We are all broken...

Let's be honest...
That right there is a hard thing... sometimes easier for some than others...

I am not a pessimist... we have a wonderful life... but in all honesty, it wasn't all that long ago when there were days that I wasn't sure I would survive...
TRULY...
I wasn't sure I wanted to survive...
And if I am totally honest, there are still days that my heart aches for my baby boy and I long more for Heaven than the day that is ahead of me...
These days now are few and far between now... but still present...

But being in ministry as a pastor's wife, leading an infant loss support group, I hear and see first hand many with broken hearts ALL THE TIME...

Having just experienced the blessing of Kaliyah and seeing the sorrow and pain of her birth mother as she handed over this precious little bundle she loved, showed me afresh the huge amount of brokenness that loads of people are dealing with daily...

Your brokenness might come from a place of abuse, abandonment, an area of sin that you are in bondage to, a bad job situation, the loss of a loved one, depression, addiction, loneliness, your own bad choices, dealing with someone else's bad choices, serious illnesses, battles of the mind...
I could go on and on...
Some of them could be things that maybe we had a part in creating... but most probably are areas that are really just a cross that we have to bear (ours by no action on our own part) and a result of sin being a part of this world...

Some of these areas of brokenness might be something that is bearable, a burden that you carry but that you realistically can carry in this life and still function...

Others areas of brokenness are all consuming... Really they may have you in a place of survival... I have been there... not a good place to be at all...

Could the Lord heal us of these thorns in our sides instantly... FOR SURE... does He still heal in this way today... I believe He can and does... but it doesn't always seem to work that way... Some times He heals instantly... Sometimes He heals slowly over time... Sometimes He uses modern medicine... Sometimes He uses things we may never suspect... And sometimes He heals us in Heaven...

I really do believe that these areas of brokenness, while in the moment may seem impossible and unbearable, are areas that the Lord is going to use in amazing, inconceivable ways if you let Him... But yes, I know that it takes time to get to that point in the healing process...

And in all honesty, I meant what I said... we are all broken in one way or another... I wouldn't ever judge you in your brokenness... I wouldn't judge why you are broken and I would pray that you would do the same for me and others... not judge...

There is nothing worse than feeling judged in your hurt, when you are already hurting and in need of great healing...

I have a precious friend from the state we previously lived in that was involved in the same home school coop with me...

She was amazing... We opened our hearts to each other and she was never afraid to mention Samuel's name, check in with me regarding how I was feeling, and was a listening ear, always able to make me laugh.  She was also going through a particular  time of brokenness... Very few there knew what was going on for her outside the doors of our coop... but I did... I am sure she didn't share all the hard unbearable details with me, but oh the prayers that were offered up for her family during this time... I knew they had sought help from doctors all over the country... Then on top of all of that she lost her dad very suddenly... talk about hard...

I have so much love and respect for her... I love that she has shared their story... I love that she is being open and honest about a part of their story that isn't easy to share... This is HUGE and could bless others in a HUGE way...
She and her son recently shared a video about a type of therapy that has been a huge blessing to her, her son, and as a result her whole family... It has changed their lives... I wanted to share her video because if there is anything that might help another person in a similar situation I would love for others to experience healing in one way or another... I believe it offers great hope for the future...

Please watch when you have a free moment... I am so touched that they shared their story to help others who are going through the struggles of mental illness...


Hayden from BMC Ferrell on Vimeo.

Here are just a few words from my sweet friend Michelle about sharing this video...
Someone asked me if they could share and yes, that's totally fine. It's our goal to share our story so that we can bring awareness not only to NF, but also to the struggle of living with mental health disorders and the lack of modern medicine's ability to truly cure the brain. Mental health disorders carry such a negative stigma, and unless we educate, people who struggle will continue to be labeled. 


I am so touched that they shared their story to help others who are going through the struggles of mental illness... I do not deal with depression on a regular basis, but it is something I struggled with after losing our son in 2008... My heart goes out to those that struggle in this area...

Here is a link to learn more about neuro feedback...

http://www.abundantlivingneurofeedback.com/

I would love to see people showing deep love, care, and concern for all who struggle with illnesses of any kind... I am so thankful that God can use so many different ways to help and heal us...

Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015

October 30, 2008

Today October 15th, Infant loss and Remembrance Day, almost 7 years later we remember this beautiful gift from God...

 Samuel Mark Hintz.  

The amount of people we hold dear in our life that have lost babies is at times overwhelming... In today's day and age where we can instantly send messages around the world, you would think we could keep perfectly healthy babies alive in their mother's wombs.  

It is a continual surrendering of my will to the will of the Father and His best plans for our lives.  

Thankfully, He has used it all...

every tear...

every hurtful word...

every lost dream...

every bit of loneliness...

every bit of my aching arms...

every bit of it all... and my heart is so grateful! 

Tonight we remember Samuel Mark Hintz, Baby Joel (the baby we were set to adopt), baby hintz who we miscarried...

Baby Emily, Grady, Owen, Felicity, Emmy, Airrington, Jesse, Brooke, Phoenix, Genesis, Nate, and so so many more...

Tonight we will light a candle at 7pm. in memory of each and every one of their precious, beautiful, treasured, and missed lives...

So thankful for Heaven... 

June can't come soon enough...

I have a friend...

Just 2 days ago she messaged me about a friend of hers whose baby girl was found to no longer have a heart beat at 37 weeks pregnant...

This was the 3rd such message I have gotten from this same friend in the past 10 months...

All of these 3 young women live pretty close to me...

I have been blessed to get together with 2 of these precious young women in the past few months... There is for me an undeniable automatic bond I feel to someone whom I know has experienced the same  heart wrenching loss of a child.

My heart absolutely breaks for this young couple whose sweet baby girl is already safely in Heaven...

Don't get me wrong... I am the wife of a pastor... I know FULLY the HOPE we have in HEAVEN... and my heart fully rejoices now in the reunion I will one day have with Samuel, baby Joel we were to adopt, and baby Taylor (the baby we miscarried in February 2010)

But in all honesty, when Samuel died even Heaven seemed TOO far away... what if I lived to be 70... or 80?  That meant that I wouldn't be with my baby, that I so desperately wanted right then, for at least 33 years... That thought was unbearable...

So even though I don't know this young mama... my heart hurts with her... my heart grieves with hers... She is not far from  my mind... She has been in my prayers so often over the last few days...

For this reason... June can not come soon enough... Of course I am happy to offer any help or support right  now at any time... but I can not wait to have MEND Chicagoland up and running where women like these young ladies can know that they do not have journey through this loss alone...

We will be there to support them, listen to them, remember their babies with them, care for them, pray for them... cry with them... As much as I hate that there is another family that will walk the hard journey of life with out one of their child here with them...

I am so thankful that there will soon be a place here where they can go where people really do get it... they get it because they too have experienced the same... walking forward each and everyday missing their babies... walking forward in HOPE of eternity... walking forward with the support of other moms and dads who truly understand...

I appreciate any prayers for getting MEND going here... All of our brochures and sympathy cards are being printed and soon we start the push to promote MEND here in the Chicagoland area in Hospitals, church, funeral homes, and Doctor's offices... Thanks so much friends...

We won't be shaken...

Today I had the blessed time of taking my 7 plus 3 kid friends to the pool...

Honestly, as I sat in the kiddie pool with Levi, Hope and Isaiah I could not help but think..."This is the life!"  It was such a sweet time.  I was reveling in the sweetness of wild and crazy Hope flying around the pool... Levi's sweet squeals... and Isaiah's ginormous toothless grin... (Goodness, he gets this huge smile and it literally is so big it changes the shape of his nose... so cute!)

The big kids were having a ball in the big pool and were off and on checking in with me or me with them.  I am treasuring these last few weeks of the more relaxed days of summer.  School is just right around the corner...

After we left, we literally scrounged up enough change from the car to hit Aldi's and buy a box of ice cream bars... as we left the parking lot this song by building 429 came on the radio...

WE WON'T BE SHAKEN! 

It hit me so suddenly the reality of who was in my car... and the words of this song that were being proclaimed loudly as we drove...


Whatever will come our way...
Through fire or pouring rain...
We won't be shaken... We won't be shaken...
What ever tomorrow brings...
together we'll rise and sing that
We won't be shaken... We won't be shaken...

We will trust in you... We will not be moved...  We will trust in you...

I had one young girl... not even a teenager yet, who lost her father recently after a long battle with cancer...
I had another young girl getting ready to head to college who had lost her mother suddenly just a few years ago...
I had a young boy who has lost 2 siblings in the past few years...
And then our bunch having lost a son/brother...

Wow, the faithfulness of the Lord was surrounding me quite literally as I could see clearly joy in these sweet kids faces...

They have survived so so much in their short lives already...
They have survived more than most may in their entire lives...
They have survived surely by the grace of God...

I know that when I look think on the sudden shocking loss of my son Samuel and then having to deliver him no longer alive, I truly can not believe I am standing... When I remember the horror and details of that devastating day I know it is only by the grace and faithfulness of our Lord that we continue to move forward...

And dare I say, move forward with  JOY in our hearts...
A deeper joy... a richer love... a fuller heart... a more grateful heart...

I KNOW that losing Samuel has made me appreciate the faithfulness of our God in a way I can barely describe sometimes... It you had been a fly on the wall in the middle of those nights after losing Samuel you would get a clearer picture... there are very few that I actually share those thoughts and feelings with... too much... I am sure Greg remembers it clearly...

 I remember all too well standing in the ultrasound just 9 months later as the sonographer was searching for a heartbeat in Joel's little body, the baby we were to adopt, knowing full well in my heart that his sweet little heart was no longer beating. Then just months later suffering the miscarriage of a baby we so badly wanted.  There were questions... heartbreak upon heartbreak ...

To have been in that place and to be where we are now...

Nothing short of a miracle in my heart!  He is so good and faithful!  I can say that fully knowing I don't know what His plans are... I could have another child die... I could lose my dear husband... None of us are guaranteed tomorrow... and because I have seen and felt that first hand... I hold my Savior's promises more close to my heart than ever... He will carry you and sustain you through life's hardest times.

He is faithful!  He can transform lives... He can heal BROKEN, SHATTERED hearts!   And because I know that He will work good from our heartache...  I can loudly proclaim... We won't be shaken...

I know those kids in my car may not have even realized all I was thinking today... all God was showing me... But I see the faithfulness of our Lord clear in their life... They may not even fully see or realize it till they are even older... But wow... did God bless me by being witness to His faithfulness in our lives and in theirs! 

If you are in one of those places in life that you can barely see out of... please hang on ... be encouraged that He will NEVER leave you... He will walk right along side of you, carry you when needed... He will bring beauty out of your pain... somehow, miraculously he does... If you are hurting, I would love to pray for you... email me, leave a comment...

Now take a moment and listen to this sweet song... I pray it blesses you today...

NEVER ONCE...

This song touched my heart deeply today...

I got an email from one of the MOST precious people in my life needing prayer today... my heart was burdened and heavy for her... She is one of the people that I would call after Samuel died and express my "crazy" thoughts to... She NEVER ONCE judged me... just loved me and walked right along side of me during the darkest of times... I felt so alone at times... but she was ALWAYS there... 

As I was driving home from my MEND (Mommy's enduring Neonatal Death) support group that I help lead, I had this song playing...

These women are some of the strongest I know... Some of what they have gone through is unimaginable to most... But there is a fellowship among these women that I can hardly describe... We had 2 new gals tonight... one of which held her 26 week old precious son 2 weeks ago as he slipped from this earth to eternity... Hard Hard things to shoulder and carry through this life...

I was so encouraged by this song... 

simple basic words... 

simple basic truths...

That no matter what trial or hardship you are going through...

even if the Lord seems quiet or even silent at times... 

even when you think there is NO WAY that you can take another step on your own...

YOU NEVER WALK ALONE...

THE LORD IS FAITHFUL TO NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE...

HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH THE FIRE TO THE OTHER SIDE WHERE IT IS EVEN POSSIBLE TO CRY OUT WITH JOY IN YOUR HEART... 

"GOD YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL!!"

If you are hurting today, be encouraged by this video... He will never leave you or forsake you... The heavier the burden gets, PRESS FURTHER INTO HIM... 

The Lord can shoulder the heaviest of BURDENS...

If you need someone to talk to or have any special prayer requests please leave them in the comments or email me at hintzmom27@yahoo.com

Don't forget to pause the music down on the sidebar on the right so you can hear the video...

 

A WALK TO REMEMBER....

A WALK TO REMEMBER OUR BABIES....

This weekend we took the whole family down to Dallas to participate in their Walk to Remember Ceremony.  We had to go as a part in our training to take over our Tulsa chapter of MEND...

Needless to say, it was an emotional day...HARD!

The boys and I worked really hard with the Dallas team on all the preparations and Greg held down the fort at the hotel with the little ones.... he did amazingly well:)

It was such a special day... we had over 1,000 people attend the walk to honor the lives of their babies.

As we started the walk to go to where the ceremony would be held, Greg and I  looked ahead of us and behind us at how many people were there remembering the lives of their babies.   He right away said, "This will certainly show you that you are not a lone!"  Sometimes you feel so alone in the loss of a baby or child and yesterday I didn't feel that way at all!

Everyone who attends gets to release a balloon for their baby... blue for boy, pink for girl, and white for a miscarriage... Once we started to release the balloons it was absolutely breathtaking...

 They also give you an ornament for each loss and when the call the names of your babies you get to take your ornaments up and hang them on the MEND tree... special!

I am so thankful for MEND, an organization that works so hard to help validate the life of your baby, no matter how short.... 

INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY

TODAY IS NATIONAL INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY.

TODAY WE REMEMBER OUR PRECIOUS SAMUEL WHO WE MISS SO MUCH AND THINK ABOUT SO OFTEN...

WE TOO THINK ABOUT THE SWEET LITTLE BABY WHO WE MISCARRIED LAST FEBRUARY.

IT IS NICE TO THINK OF THEM IN HEAVEN TOGETHER WITH BABY JOEL, THE BABY WE WERE GOING TO ADOPT.

WE HAVE A SUPER BUSY DAY AS WE HEAD OUT TO GET TOGETHER WITH HOPE'S BIRTH MOM IN 40 MINUTES AND THEN COME BACK TO GET READY FOR MENDS FIRST WALK TO REMEMBER TOMORROW.

I CAN'T HELP BUT BE THINKING OF AND PRAYING FOR ALL MY PRECIOUS FRIENDS THAT I HAVE MET THROUGH BLOGS OR MEND, THAT ARE WALKING THE SAME ROAD OF GRIEF AND HAVE SUPPORTED ME IN WAYS I HAVE TRULY NEEDED. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU LADIES, AND REMEMBERING YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES TODAY AS WELL.

WE WILL BE LIGHTING A CANDLE AT 7 PM TONIGHT IN MEMORY OF OUR SWEET BABIES WHO PRAISE GOD, ARE PERFECTLY WHOLE IN HEAVEN....

SOMEONE OUGHT TO REMEMBER:)

Yesterday was baby Joel's first birthday in heaven... Actually he probably had been gone for a couple of weeks, but yesterday a year ago was the day he was born... We will see his birth mother and family tomorrow... we are excited about that.

Remembering the precious creation that God made in Joel... remembering his short life...ULTIMATELY REMEMBERING THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL AND MAKES NO MISTAKES! REMEMBERING THAT HE LOVES US DEEPLY NO MATTER HOW WE MAY BE FEELING, HOW BLEAK THINGS MIGHT LOOK AT TIMES, HOW FAR AWAY IT MAY FEEL LIKE HE IS, OR HOW CRAZY OUR CIRCUMSTANCES MIGHT SEEM.

GOD IS GOOD AND FAITHFUL THROUGH IT ALL!

THIS TIME LAST YEAR... IT IS ALL WORTH IT

Our family with Faith...
My how much difference one year can make... I think that Louis has changed the most, but they all look different.


I don't want people to always think I am living in the past... but sometimes I think the only way to really see how far you have come is to look back to where you have come from.

When I look back at pictures from one year ago... we were in such a different place. I can see great healing in my heart... Praise God. (I know I say this a lot,but I can't help myself... here it goes) Don't get me wrong, I still grieve the loss of my son Samuel every single day... in fact for some reason the ache in my heart for him has been heavier on my heart the last couple of days... I have had the tears come more often because I just down right miss him being here with us... I feel the void of him not being here with us. I miss what could have been, how things would be with him here. I look at sweet baby girl and I think what if we could have had them both.... I still want them both... I still desperately long for my son... right now there is the all too familiar feeling of that lump in my throat.


But even with all that being said, even with all that missing and longing... I am so thankful.

Thankful for the Lord carrying us through all that we experienced with Faith last summer. At this time a year ago... we were looking forward to the birth of her baby girl... who turned out to be a boy:) The baby girl we were to call our own... I remember being covered in an unexplainable peace the day of Joel's memorial service.

I am thankful that the Lord has brought sisters in Christ to my side. When I think of the deep loneliness I had been feeling... I am so thankful that the Lord brought me friends here near me that weren't afraid to be with me in my grief. I am thankful for the new friends he has brought me through my loss, that I never would have met otherwise. I now consider them dear real life friends. And I am so incredibly thankful for the girlfriends from far away, who were a lifeline to me last year and still are many days.

I am thankful for all the Lord has taught me through this journey the last 19 mos. I am thankful for Him restoring relationships that needed restoring.

I am thankful for Him walking along side of me through it all. And for Him carrying me when I couldn't take another step on my own.

I am so thankful for the precious new life he brought into our family in sweet baby girl last December... even though we still wait to see how things will turn out with her... we are so thankful for the joy and laughter she adds to our life... not to mention the constant commotion ... man, she is truly one of the busiest little people I know:)

And right now I am so very thankful for the Beth Moore Bible Study we started at church tonight. Wow, does that woman have a gift for unwrapping the most amazing details and nuggets of God's truth from His word. Truly, it gets me so excited. I remember last summer feeling like Esther had been specifically written for me. And already tonight after our first week of The Patriarchs... I am just excited to study His word and go through it this summer.

She even said in tonight's video that the book of Genesis is written in narrative form... just like a story being told to us. She mentioned about History, HIS STORY, being told through our lives. Then I had to laugh because she said, easy lives don't make for good stories... Even though we had walked through Greg's cancer early in our relationship, and the loss of a job, and being away from family... I would have said prior to losing Samuel that our lives had been pretty easy. But the last 19 mos have been anything but easy... It truly made me giggle out loud. It just made me think I want His story in my life to be a good story, one people want to read...

And in that moment it made me thankful the challenges He has allowed to enter our lives... the death, the sorrow, the grief, the loneliness, all of it... I could actually say that I was thankful for it. If those things could in anyway allow people to see my Jesus, then it is all worth it... every tear, every sleepless night... every question... all of it... worth it!


Thank you Jesus for all the challenges you have allowed into our lives...
I know Lord that even though it hurt immensely, and still does, that it was all filtered through your loving hands.
Thank you Lord for not leaving us to walk this road alone... thank you for journeying with us through it... through the muddy, dirty waters of grief, and the sunny paths of joy.
Thank you for every step in this journey... for we know that you are molding us into more of who you want us to be... oooh how that molding can be painful Father, but we trust you.
Lord, may our story somehow bring you glory... somehow allow someone to see you Jesus in a new way. May my Samuel's story point people to you... Thank you for it all Lord... mostly thank you for being faithful through it all!

WE WILL NEVER FORGET

Baby Joel's precious foot

I don't know if I ever posted this picture because you can't really see Caleb... but look at sweet Anna, all of their expressions just cut through my heart, but Anna, little mommy at heart Anna, this was one of the few pictures where she let her true emotions of that day show. I know sweet Samuel changed all of us forever...



Isn't he just beautiful?

Samuel enveloped in his mom and dad's love, me enveloped in my husband's love.

Our only family picture, all of us together:) I love it because it is just that, the only one. I have a couple others with the kids looking this way or that, you know how that goes, but this is it. Now this is what Anna looked like in most pictures... so proud to be holding the little brother that she waited so long for. So often I look at all of our expressions and our eyes. Jojo, I don't think really understood the depth of what was happening that day. Louis, heartbroken Louis, so tenderhearted, wears his true emotions on his sleeve. Caleb, strong determined Caleb... so trying to hold it all together. Greg, my rock, that was all the smile he could muster. Me, I remember thinking if these are the only pictures I will have with my son, I want to smile. It was forced but it was there, but at the same time I look just awful. My face and eyes were so swollen.

These are true pictures, emotions and all that were felt that day... and quite honestly, still felt today, almost a year later.

Today is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I didn't intend to post any pictures on this post, but for some reason when I started it I just thought I want to share my precious son with you... again...

Last October 15th I was anticipating the arrival of our 5th precious child. Who would have ever thought this day, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day would mean something so personally to me this year. I still wish it didn't. But we will remember our precious son every day... We will never forget that beautiful baby Samuel.

So I guess, part of what they do on this day is encourage everyone to light a candle at 7pm in your time zone for 1 hour, in memory of a baby you lost or someone you know who lost a baby. Then it will be like one continuous wave of light going around the world as it moves from time zone to time zone. We will be lighting a candle here. We will light it to remember precious Samuel and baby Joel. And we will light it to remember all of our sweet precious friend's babies, Grady, Owen, Felicity, Jeremiah, Tatum, Carter, Lucy, Nate, Nathan, Stacy... I know there are many more that were lost to early miscarriage that maybe weren't named... my mom's babies, my sister -in-love's babies...

So as I light my candle I will be praying for all my sweet friends, that the Lord will bless them with great peace, comfort, and love tonight.

Won't you like a candle with us??

Baby Joel

A few days ago we got our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep pictures from when Joel was born.

The top picture is the little card they tape to the door of the room that has a family inside that has lost their baby... we all remember that same card from the day we lost Samuel as well.

I feel like my hands look huge in the second picture... Joel was just that small... teeny, tiny, but still perfectly created by our creator.

Just thought I would share a couple with you.

Tonight we had Faith and her family over. We haven't seen her in over a month. We all miss her. We got to meet her little brother and cousin. Her mom, grandma and little sister came too. We had an absolutely wonderful time. They invited us for Thanksgiving if we are around and don't have plans. I thought that was so nice. There were so many times I looked around all night and just felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Anna was sitting on Faith's grandmas lap just laughing away, the rest of us all were playing Monopoly Deal together having a really nice time. The kids were absolutely thrilled to have them all here. I am so glad she is doing well, and am so thankful that God brought them into our lives. I really have learned so much from them and I think them from us. This may sound odd, but I haven't had that many opportunities to spend tons of time with any other African Americans. Honestly, I NEVER even notice any color difference when we are with them...(except when they bring over greens for us to try, boy were they delicious... loved them:) We are all just people who love each other. It really is such a great thing for us and the kids. I will say it does make me long for that little black baby Joel who would have been a part of our family already or very shortly had he lived.

This verse gives me comfort in the fact that both Samuel and Joel were here on this earth for exactly the amount of days that the Lord had planned for them... not what I had planned for them, but God's ways are sovereign and good... even when they don't necessarily feel good.

For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are WONDERFUL, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

Continually trusting in the one who holds our future...

IT'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT

CALEB UP IN THE TREE PICKING APPLES AND TOSSING THEM DOWN FOR THE OTHER KIDS TO CATCH IN A TOWEL... THEY HAD QUITE A SYSTEM GOING...

JOJO TRYING REALLY HARD TO GET THROUGH THE SKIN:)

A BUMPER CROP

We have a house for sale next door. It just so happens to have an apple tree on the property... and no one lives there. The kids couldn't help themselves, we know the builder doesn't pick them... so the kids picked every last one of them. They had such a ball. Greg wants an apple pie... and it looks like we will be canning applesauce with the extras. It is a lot of work, but I am one of those crazy people who actually enjoys canning:)

This is going to be a long one.... Hang with me...

Now on to the reason for the title of this post... ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I heard this song by Sara Groves a couple of months back. Music always speaks to me, and this was no different. There is a line where she talks about gaining strength from what is tearing you apart. In a sense I have never felt weaker and more torn apart than I have in the last 10 months. Yet there are moments when I amazed that I have survived this, that we are still standing... there are actually moments where I feel strong. I know that is only by the grace of God that I can say that. And his word does say that when we are weak he is strong.

I loved the song from the moment I heard it. I knew I would want to put it on my playlist... yet quite honestly I couldn't put it on there, because I didn't believe it. In my heart I still didn't think that we would be alright. I wasn't sure that we would come out the other side of this tremendous loss and rough year, in one piece. But praise God, I can now say that I do believe that I will be alright. Sure doubt tends to creep back in. I have actually waited a little while to post about this, because I have had times in the last 10 months where I could actually say that I felt good, but it would only last a couple of days and then WHAM, the grief would be sooooo strong again, unbearable. But I have actually had the first "good week" that I have had in 10 months. I feel funny admitting it, but it is the truth. And you know what...IT FEELS GOOD TO FEEL GOOD!

I have never been one to be prone to depression, but let me tell you, I have such a more understanding heart toward those that suffer with depression on an ongoing basis. Wow, I certainly can say that I have been depressed over these past months. Of course I was depressed, the son that I planned on spending years raising didn't make it out of my womb alive. That is depressing, and for me it was really hard to see what is the depression of normal grief and what is depression that you need to get help for. I had lots of talks with my counselor about it, and the MEND leader who is also a counselor. I had the prescription for an antidepressant filled and in my drawer in the bathroom. I just didn't want to take it unless I really felt like I had to.

I don't think there is anything wrong with taking them. Sometimes I am really not sure if your brain can catch up chemically. I just knew that I wasn't quite at that point yet. But wooh, my heart goes out to those that are prone to depression. It is such a tough place to be... so dark, so lonely, so isolating. I know I have had many other issues and factors that have added to the depression in the last months. I have had people try to get me to be more positive, or give me a sort of pep-talk. But unless you have been there, I don't think that most can understand that you can't positive think your way into feeling better about your child dying. I think that has to come with time and acceptance. I don't know if I will ever feel better about it, but I think I will be able to accept the reality of it all more. Does that make any sense?

So even though I am feeling better in general, that doesn't mean that I am over my loss.... never will be. I think it will be a constant journey through loss until I am an old lady:) It doesn't mean that I won't still be sad and cry... In fact I had a really good cry tonight just thinking that it has almost been 10 months since I held that precious Samuel in my arms. It is hard, really hard. It doesn't mean that I won't be conciously or subconciously thinking about Samuel and our loss. Right now, 10 months later I can honestly say that the whole situation is ALWAYS on my mind to some level.

I really think that the supplements that the natural lady put me on have helped. From the sounds of it, I had quite a few things that weren't quite working right, my thyroid, just to name one. So I think that working to get all of me working the way that it should will help all of the way around. Honestly, I have had a few moments this week where I remembered things that I was surprised I remembered. I know that sounds so small, but for me with how absent minded I have felt, it was a blessing. We are praying that it will help with all of the fertility stuff too.

Do you want to hear the funny thing about this natural Doctor? I had to chuckle. The place is called ANEW skin and wellness. Well, when I got there, it was hysterical, out of one of the rooms walks a lady maybe 60 years old. She clearly had just gotten botox or something injected into her lips. Now that just doesn't sound very natural does it? It seemed so twilight zone like to me. I walked in the office and she had all of these credentials of being a doctor of natural healing. It was funny. I think she shares office space with some others. Anyways, I am thankful that what she has given me seems to be helping.

Basically, with all of that said, I can say that I do believe that IT IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I have had so many times over the last months that God has seemed so far from me. I know some say, "When God seems far away, it is you who moved" Sometimes that might be the case, but truthfully I think that at other times that can be a bunch of bunk!...Sorry, When there are times that you are begging God to show up, be near, allow you to feel His presence, give you peace, and it doesn't happen, it is hard. I don't think it is you who moved, rather that God is up to something, just something we can't see or feel or understand. It can be such a spiritual attack.

I am praising God that I can feel His presence lately, I can feel his sustaining power. I can feel Him walking along side of me. And it feels good. IT IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!

Enjoy the song:)

I'M ALIVE!!!

Doesn't my Anna have an elf - like sort of smile...

I mean that in a good way:)... She is just so precious to me.

This morning I went for a run in the pouring rain. It was beautiful. When Louis and I did the first lap, it was just a sprinkle. When Anna and I started out on the third lap, (don't be too impressed they are short laps:) she cruising on her little blue bike, me running along side of her, it was just drizzling. When we got to the other side of the neighborhood it got heavier and heavier until it was just pouring on us. At first Anna was questioning me, "Mommy it's starting to rain should we head back?" I told her it kind of felt good lets keep going. Then she started giggling, and said, "This is kind of fun." Then a full out yell from her, " I like this!!!!" as she sped off from me. It was just precious.

I can't tell you how good it felt to have the rain pelting me in the face. I felt more alive than I have felt in almost 10 months. I just threw my head back enjoying the cool rain, I felt like I could sob, laugh, and scream all at the same time. It was just the fact that I was out with my little girl... actually enjoying life. It felt good to be alive. No it actually felt GREAT! Did I just say that?... that it feels great to alive.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song off his latest CD called MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT. I wanted to put it on my playlist, but couldn't find it... There are a few lines in the song... many lines in the song that resonate with, really the whole song does. He talks about having a time machine, and if we did, would we really want to go back and change everything. He wrote this song before his 5 year old died after being hit by a car driven by his 17 year old. Wooh, I admire this guy, but I have to wonder if NOW he would go back and change it all. For his son, to have to live with that?? Intense and almost too much I would thik.I know if I could I would still go back and change the end of last October... Is that wrong? I know that I can't... and I trust that God has His best in mind for me. It is just His best is so different than what my best would have been.

It was interesting when Steven Curtis lost his little girl on May 21st 2008 I was checking his manager's blog often to see how they were coping. Greg would tell me, he thought I was addicted to it, and spent too much time checking it. Now fast forward just 5 months later to our loss of Samuel. I was so thankful that I had been checking it, it gave me a REAL example of Christian grief... not just Sunday morning grief... where we put on that mask that it is all OK. This was gut level brutal honesty about a brutal loss. It comforted me to hear their heart and see them walk this journey. I still read Mary Beth Chapman's blog and it still ministers to my heart.

Anyways back to the song. There is also a part where it says.... And if it brings you tears, taste them as they fall, let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, throw your head back and let it go, you gotta let it go! I feel like I have been fully tasting them for the last almost 10 months... I still need to work on the softening of my heart. There are still times of real anger and bitterness about things. But there are times of great joy for all that God has done and times of throwing my head back with laughter. It is so interesting to me that all of those intensely strong emotions can exist at the same time.

I have been phone consulting with a natural Doctor in Wisconsin, who did some saliva testing, blood work to see where I am at hormonally and maybe to help with fertility and mood. As most of you know... even though we have had 5 children... only 1 came easy, with the rest it was a long road with years of trying and getting help. It was kind of comical, once she got my results she told me that my serotonin level was quite low. That is the chemical that regulates the feeel good part of the brain. I could have told her that months ago. She found lots of interesting things. I have been taking some supplements for the last month. And I have to say, Praise God, I really feel like it is helping. This last week, I feel mentally a bit more like the me of before Samuel.

Now I say that knowing full well, that I am feeling good now, and hopefully that will continue more often, but knowing that there will still be many times of deep sorrow and grief. But I am hoping it will be more manageable from here on out.

So as usual, we are treasuring the miracle of each day and all the crazy, funny things that each day holds for us. We treasure that precious plump 9 lb 2 oz miracle of Samuel that God blessed us with last October. And we treasure the time that we had with Faith, the birth mom that lived with us this summer. We are thankful that we had the opportunity to look forward to adding a sweet little baby this fall. That brought much joy to this home as we started preparing again. Even though it didn't end at all how we had hoped, we treasure that God created that tiny little baby Joel even for the 28 weeks that he lived here inside of Faith. Wow, God is a miracle worker.

Thanking God for the MIRACLE OF THE MOMENTS of this life... even beautiful runs in the POURING RAIN!

GREG'S ORDINATION...AND MY PORTION

That's a whole lot of pastors:)

Greg and his very proud parents



Greg and his sister Lisa and daughter Maddie.

All of us with the birth mother's family... she is on the left of Greg.

Well, the day is finally here and over. I know for those of you who have never been to an ordination... it looks like a big deal. I am not sure I had ever been to one and given that I grew up in a Lutheran church that wasn't super traditional, this too was new for me. And when one of our friends kids asked me about Mr. Greg's bat man cape... I had to snicker a little. I couldn't tell you the name of it myself:)

But it does feel good to have it done. It was a lot of hard work on Greg's part and a lot of sacrifice on a lot of other people's part. We have had so many people that have supported us financially and with prayers and encouragement while we were at the seminary. We are so thankful for them. And we are thankful to be at this point. Now we will see how the Lord uses Greg in his ministry... he has such a creative, compassionate heart and has so many ideas of things that he wants to do at our church... I pray the Lord gives him stamina and perseverance for the road ahead.

We were so blessed to have our parents here, and Greg's sister. We had some dear friends, the Northends, from the seminary here too. Our pastor from our home church prior to going to seminary flew down for it as well. And our sweet friends the Tiews and Stocktons were here as well. It is so nice to be surrounded by family and friends that we call family. I love the distraction of company and hustle and bustle of it all. It is so nice to have a bit of a break from the daily grind of the reality of living without my son. I don't know how to explain it, I still thought about Samuel and even Joel everyday... many times a day. ( I will post about the differences of the two for me sometime) It is ALWAYS on my mind to a certain degree. I am sure if you haven't had a loss, that might not make sense to you. But I guess the intensity is lessened a little when we have company around. It was nice.

So the big boys are with my parents traveling to Colorado. Please pray for their safety if you think of it. I used to be very laid back, not a real worrier at all... but that has changed a quite a bit. When you lose a child, then lose a child that you were hoping to add to your family through adoption... and lose them in such similar circumstances... When you see the heartache of your friends when they lose 2 children in a matter of 18 months....YOU KNOW there is no guarantee that you won't lose another or all of them for that matter. So there you have it, the fear that is present in my heart and mind many days. I know the Lord is in control... but that also means I don't know what His plan is... and it also means that you live with the reality of... if God allowed you to lose a child before... he may allow it again. I am not trying to be a pessimist... just a realist. We all hope and pray that our children will grow old... but really we have no idea the number of their days.... With Samuel it was 9 months and one day this side of heaven, with Joel roughly 196 days. I guess the truth of the matter is I trust that God is sovereign... but it doesn't always mean I like the ways things play out. I will trust that His ways are best... even when it doesn't feel like it or makes NO sense to me.

I just read this today in my Beth Moore bible study:

The favor God has on His children causes that "lot" to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction, the child will discover that her portion turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose.

Here you are beloved, Satan tried to destroy you along your life's path, but clearly, he didn't get his way. You're still standing, aren't you? Instead of falling apart, your lines are starting to fall together. Piece by piece.

Once you wrap you mind around the favor God has had on you and the richness of the portion He assigned to you even through disaster, you can't help but share your portion with others.

I totally can not say yet that what has happened in the last year in our family is good, or even right. I trust that because allowed it, that it is best. But my heart feels so much the contrary, this isn't as it should be. I pray that with time I will fully feel in my heart that this was good and right. But I have said it before that I feel that when I emerge from the fire of the deep grief I still feel that I will feel a richness for what the Lord has taught me and what he will have done in me. I do want to see this whole experience as full of purpose... but I just don't really see what that is yet.

To my fellow mommies out there who have lost children... I want to encourage you today. I love you all more than you know. I love the support I have received from you and the encouragement that you give to me. I love that I don't feel as alone in this journey because of the bond that we share. I love that there are people out there who GET me, and really GET all the aspects of what I have gone through. Ladies, let's continue to trust one step at a time that this lot we have been cast will reveal part of our destiny as women of God. I can't wait to down the road see the amazing ways he will use our struggles, grief and tragedies to further the work of His kingdom here on earth. Let's continue to spur one another on and give God the glory for each victory and proclaim His glory through each defeat we may have.

BABY JOEL'S SERVICE

This was when we were praying over the birth mom.

Can you see little Jojo leaning in? Could he be more precious?

Here is Caleb and the birth mom's grandma putting their roses by Joel's little casket.

We were so thrilled today when we got a call from our birth mom saying that they (herself, her mom, and her grandma) wanted to make sure they didn't miss Greg's ordination. I told them it was on Sunday and they were really excited that they will be able to come. The kids were absolutely thrilled when they heard this. Yeah! I asked Louis today if he felt like someone is always missing... He said, he felt like 3 people are missing... Samuel, baby Joel, and the birth mom. We knew she wouldn't stay with us forever... but we were anticipating her staying for a bit longer than she did. We really do miss her, but it sounds like she is really doing well, and we are so happy for her.

I thought I would post a few pictures from Joel's graveside service. I will try to post some from our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer that came the day Joel was born when we receive them. When I look back on all that has happened to us and our friends over the past year... honestly, I am weary. I know that God won't give us more than we can handle... but really, I feel close. I don't want to hear any more bad news. A friend and I were laughing that when people see my number on the caller ID, they may not want to answer for fear or more bad news. I can't wait for the Lord to turn the tables, and for us to be able to see some good come from it all. Or heck, turn the tables and work some amazing miracles in our midst. Wouldn't it be awesome to be witness to that greatness. Right now it kind of feels a little like, actually a lot like survival mode.

We will have a super busy weekend. Greg's parents, his sister, and her daughter arrived today. Praise God for wonderful Mother-in-laws that bring dinner with them:) What a treat to have them have it all ready for us tonight. My parents come tomorrow. And then we have other pastors, and friends coming in over the weekend. Greg's ordination will be on Sunday... Yeah, all of his hard work at the seminary and here for the last year... will finally be complete... he will be a pastor... The work will continue:) But the organized part of the learning will be done. Well that is until he starts up another class next month for his masters in Marriage and family ministry. This was a degree that he had worked on prior to going to the sem. He is excited to finish it, maybe next fall. Poor guy, I think when he is done with that degree, he will REALLY be done.

Much love to you all!

GOD IS GOD AND I AM NOT

MY SWEET 4TH OF JULY JOJO

:) THE KIDS ENJOYING THE STINETTES WHEN THEY VISITED

SPENDING TIME WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA HINTZ

Tuesday Greg's parents came for a visit on their way to Indiana. It has been such a blessing to have them here. Greg's mom was a huge help with food and dishes... some days I just don't have the motivation like I used to. It has been such a treat to have help with that. Today we went to the aquarium together... we were blessed with a membership from some friends. Wow, there is so much to see. I can't wait to be able to take the kids back during the school year. His parents will leave tomorrow... bummer, but they will be back in a few weeks for Greg's ordination.

Having company this summer has been such a HUGE blessing for us. We have really needed the fellowship of loved ones and people who have known us before everything happened with Samuel. We are so looking forward to our dear Texas friends who will be here in a couple of weeks and then just after that a week or two lots of family for the ordination on the 2nd of August. It will be so nice. I do have to say, that all of the dates hold significance to our birth mom's due date. At ordination time, it would have been about 7 weeks to go. Oh how quickly things can change.

So I mentioned before that I am doing the Beth Moore Esther study on Wednesday nights at church. I have to confess that I was really looking forward to it, but kind of thought, I have read Esther so many times, how much can we really get from Esther? Wow, I was so wrong. Each week, I have felt she was writing it, or speaking it directly to me. It has been crazy... but crazy great. I have been blessed to be able to lead one of the small groups after we watch the video. I just love hearing what these ladies have to say, and having the opportunity to pray for them. It has a been a blessing for me to get to know them.

Beth was talking all about waiting. Oh waiting, so very hard for me. Is it this hard for everyone? Ever since Samuel died, I have felt like I have been waiting. Really waiting for the Lord to do something. I really felt like, if the Lord allowed Samuel to be taken, that He would do something big and quick. Almost 9 months have passed, and yet we are still waiting. We thought maybe He was doing something with the young birth mom living with us. Now it turns out, He certainly was doing something, but definitely not what I was hoping for.

I have had many people speculate why the Lord has allowed our last year to be what it has for us. I would love to list them all out for you... but I won't... too exhausting for me. And quite honestly I AM DONE SPECULATING! The more I wait, the more I realize there is so little I understand... and no amount of trying to figure it out will really get me any closer to figuring it out. We can not begin to comprehend the mind of God or why or how He does things. It is so beyond our understanding. So right now I am content to say that GOD IS GOD, AND I AM NOT. His ways are not our ways, nor his thoughts our thoughts. His ways and plans are so much bigger than we can understand.

So this brings me back to Beth's study. She was mentioning how exhausting it can be to wait. That it is just draining. I couldn't agree more.

She referenced Isaiah 40:31...

But those who wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall soar on wings like eagles. They shall run and not grow weary they shall walk and not grow faint.

I have heard that verse a million times... but it has taken on new meaning for me. Her point was that waiting can be so tiring... but when we wait on the Lord, He will RENEW our strength. When we wait on the event... the new job, the new house, the new baby, the new car, etc. we will never be strengthened. We need to wait on the Lord, He will renew us and strengthen us as we wait. Not that we are to no longer desire certain things or pray for them... but it is where our focus is... is it on the event or thing? Or is it on the Lord?

Wow, I was convicted and refocused. Praise God. This may all seem so elementary. And it is something I have known for as long as I can remember... but I heard it with new ears tonight... the ears of a mother who longs for her son... the ears of a mother who has been waiting... the ears of a daughter of the Most High God.

PRAISE GOD, THAT HE IS GOD AND I AM NOT.

TODAY...

Wow, what a day. This morning when I was hitting the road jogging with Louis seems like days ago.

We had the graveside service today for baby Joel. Obviously, it was hard, but really it was good. Our birth mom seemed a little fragile yet seemed to being doing pretty well. She herself would say that she isn't an emotional person at all. But yet, praise God, I think she is really dealing with what has happened and grieving her loss. I am so thankful for that, given that when she goes back home even her siblings will have no idea what she has just gone through. Yesterday she and I were talking on the phone about how she was looking so forward to being able to come over after she had the baby to visit. She was really looking forward to seeing Joel grow and change. We will both miss that tremendously. She looked beautiful and handled the situation so beautifully. I still can't get over what this 15 year old has gone through.

When we first got to the funeral home, they ushered us into a little room where Joel's casket was. I am so glad that Greg's parents came into town last night, and that they were able to meet this sweet young lady, her mom, and her grandma. There were probably 5-6 ladies there too from Crisis Pregnancy Outreach. They have been so supportive of this young girl. After we had been in the room for about 5 minutes Louis just whispered in my ear, "Is that little box where baby Joel is?" It hadn't really dawned on me that they wouldn't know that. When I said yes, he just started crying... bless his heart. It is gut wrenching to see that tiny little box and know that inside was the child you were hoping to raise in your home. He had a difficult time through the whole time. What a precious sensitive young man. The rest of the kids were sad, but praise God seem to be handling it as well as can be expected.

Greg led the short little service. My poor husband, he usually holds it together amazingly well in situations where I am surprised he can remain so composed. Today was different. There were a few spots in the service where he just lost it. This is going to sound bad... but I am so happy to see him visibly grieving. I want him to be able to release what he is really feeling, not just shove it aside because his job or the situation warrants it. I know men and women grieve differently, but he has consistently been so strong. I have wondered many times if he really has even dealt with the loss of Samuel. He did a great job, I have an amazing husband... who no matter what the circumstances, cancer, job loss, death of a child, he is ALWAYS steadfast in His faith. I have NEVER met anyone who was more solid in their faith. He is unwavering.

When he was done we were all able to surround the birth mom and pray for her. I am praying that the Lord will draw her closer to Himself through this whole experience. Greg's mom said that the birth mom's grandma had told her that never in her life did she think she would ever see the 2 cultures come together like we have. They really have become like family in a lot of ways. We are really hoping to maintain contact with them. I told her Grandma today that I am holding her to her promise of coming over to make greens and gumbo:) They are very special to all of us.

Thank you so much for the prayers. Actually, tonight I can really feel an indescribable peace. I am praising God for that. Between yesterday and today I have really been able to see God at work. I will try to share some pictures of Joel or the service at some point.

Please continue to pray for this young girl. We really appreciate that.

I better hit the hay because I am dozing off here at the computer.

Blessings!