6 years closer to Heaven

My precious 6 year old Samuel...

Six years closer to Heaven, my boy, and six years closer to you...

What does six years with out you look like for me?

I miss you...

There are days when Levi repeats my name, "mom...mom...MOM...MOM...MOM!!!" before he can get the next word out and I wonder if that is God's precious way of blessing my heart... to hear a sweet little boy call me mom again and again... because you never were able to...

I miss all that you would be to us in the day in and day out of busy family life...

My heart hurts for Jojo who I know feels the loss of you daily... he may not even realize it... but he is lonely at times... a lot of times... I KNOW, that had you lived, you would be his right hand man... and there probably would be very little lonliness in his days...

Your sweet sister Anna still asks why you couldn't stay here with us... She still plays songs on the piano and sings about you... Oh you would have loved the way she would have played with you and helped take care of you... But yet I know for you... Heaven is SO much better...

I miss just being able to cuddle you, feel your sweaty soft head next to mine... curl your fingers around mine on family walks, watch you learn how to ride a bike for the first time, start big boy school as a kindergartener, and rough house with the little ones...

I my minds eye... you would have dark hair, be sort of slight in build, be on the quiet side, but yet have a good dose of the rascal in ya... just like every single one of your siblings... 

I know you would make me laugh... just like the rest of them...

Not a day goes by that this mama's heart doesn't feel the weight that you aren't here with us... I rejoice for you my precious boy... but on earth it still hurts... the memories run deep and don't really ever fade of that single day we actually got to hold you in our arms... I don't ever want them to... But tonight in bed I realized I couldn't remember your smell... at all... that made me sad...

As much as there is still a sadness and a deep missing and longing for you... I praise God that with that He has brought my heart great joy at your memory...


How perfectly the Lord knit you together... all 9 lb. 2 oz of you... Your sweet soft head of dark hair, your funny curved little toes, the fuzz by your ears, your full cheeks... every last bit of you... I loved carrying you inside of me for all 40 weeks... As sick as I was at times, as BIG as I became... I treasured it... You were a part of me... you were an important part of our family... You still are, That won't EVER change...

But you  changed us...

You changed me... (maybe in some ways that others still haven't gotten used to... maybe I haven't even gotten totally used to it:) And as hard as change can be... I welcome it... It means you lived... you were here for 40 weeks and 1 day and your life mattered so much!  Because of you I now do things maybe I never dreamed I would... God has strengthened me because of your short but precious time with us...

I would go back and do it all again in a heart beat... All 40 weeks and 1 day of pregnancy... just to hold you in my arms again...

And I would go back and do the hard part all over again too... Today 6 years ago, the day I realized you were gone... Tomorrow 6 years ago, the day I gave birth to you still and silent in my arms, my precious son... and the very lonely road of grief that followed... I would do it all again , just to see you in your dad, sister, and brother's arms...

I trust the Father so completely with the plan He had for your life... the number of days He ordained for you in my womb... But in my humanness there is a longing just to have you here... to have the whole family together...

You are loved more and more... your life is valued and treasured more and more... and you are missed so deeply my sweet fifth born...

My precious Samuel...

When you first died people tried to comfort me with the fact that I would see you again in Heaven...

 But in all honesty, in my shock and despair HEAVEN SEEMED JUST TOO FAR AWAY...  What if I lived to be 80?  Heaven was still 40 some years away.... Too long...

It just took a little time and healing to where Heaven brings my heart GREAT JOY!!

Whether I live 10 more minutes, months, years or more... I can see and feel we are getting closer and closer  to that beautiful reunion with each passing day...

Six years closer to Heaven, my boy... 

Six years closer to meeting my savior face to face...

And Six years closer to you.... 

A God appointment...

Yesterday I was blessed to spend the day exploring Chicago with the ladies from the Dallas chapter of MEND.

(Seeing as how we have only lived here 1 year and only have made it downtown on 1 occasion, I was a terrible hostess... I have no idea how to use the train system, where anything is located or even what are the best ways to get around... We figured it out, but I felt bad that I could offer no direction whatsoever... :) I think the deep dish pizza we all had at midnight made it all better:)

Truly, we had a great time...

Unfortunately, the founder of MEND Rebekah ended up not feeling well which had delayed our start to getting into the city... We were so glad that later in the day she was up to giving exploring Chicago a try...

We hit Portillos for some famous Chicago Style hot dogs...
We hit Navy Pier for a ride on the Ferris wheel...
We hit the sky deck at the Willis tower (yes that is the ledge that cracked just a few weeks back... and yes... it is TOTALLY freaky standing on a clear ledge 103 stories up in the air:)

We were on our way to Millennium park to see the bean when we decided to stop in at Fannie May for the Dallas girls to buy some Chicago chocolate...

As we were checking out, the checker, a sweet young gal, I would guess no older than 20, waited on us...  She commented on the purple sweatshirts some of the girls were wearing, and asked if they were breast cancer sweatshirts.

One of the girls explained that no, we were actually a part of a support group called MEND that was for women who had lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death... We told her about the group that we just started here in the Chicagoland area this week...

She sort of had a blank look on her face and asked, "Why would you do that??"  It was sort of an odd question that seemed to have more meaning behind it... And of course one of us shared that we had all indeed lost babies either to stillbirth or hours after birth.

Our director asked... "Do you know anyone who might have lost a baby?"

"I might..." was her reply and then she sort of quickly disappeared...

Immediately our director thought it was her that had lost a child...
We scrambled to find a business card with some MEND info on it... but ended up not having any, and found a Fannie May card to write our website, my email and number on it.

When she came back she had to wipe away tears... I just reached out and asked if she was ok... and another of our gals quickly gave her a hug...

She indeed had lost her twins just last year...
What a God appointment... to meet this precious young girl... We visited for a few minutes assuring her that the feelings that she was having were indeed normal and ok to have.  We invited her to group and to sign up for the newsletter. My heart just ached for her... it just felt as if this was one of the first times she had felt free to talk about them.

She has been heavy on my heart.

My prayer is that she somehow will reach out to MEND... even if she can not ever make it out to group... that she would feel the Love that God really has for her, that she would know the support that comes from sharing the burden she feels, and that she would know that she doesn't have to walk this journey alone...

I am so thankful that the Lord placed this precious young lady right in our path yesterday... What a sweet God appointment...

finally picked a spot... and Return to Zero...

It has been on my heart since we moved here to get our Samuel garden planted...

We finally picked the perfect spot beneath this beautiful flowering tree.  

It is further along than pictured here, we are getting there... mulch is down, some flowers and plants planted, but we still have work to do... :)

It feels so good to have started on it... Our Samuel Garden in Oklahoma was so special to me... not really just a place to go and remember him, but since we don't have a cemetery to visit it is sometimes just nice to have a quiet place to sit and think on him and the beautiful short life God gave him with us...

And think on him I have been doing a lot lately... The kids and I spent last Saturday up at my parents and we watched the premiere of Return to Zero with some of my nieces, my sister in law, and my parents.  

I was so thankful to be able to watch it with them.  WOW... I am so thankful that someone tackled making a film about such a hard subject,stillbirth.  (Minnie Driver has said in an interview I saw, that we as people are willing to watch movies where people are blown apart, women abused, and so much more... it was time someone tackled this subject and give support to a group of people that deserve the support of others)  It really hit me, all of the hard/ horrific things people are willing to watch... but yet it finally took Lifetime to come through and be willing to show this very real movie.  

It was very hard to watch... Lots of tears shed... I always have a hard time with rough language and as a Christian there were tough things to watch... (not a movie for little kids at all)  but it was a true story that was told in such a realistic manner.  I really appreciated that!  Of course no two stillbirth situations are exactly the same, but these actors and actresses were pretty much right on the money in depicting a lot of what couples might experience.  And I am so thankful that others can now have a realistic picture of that.  I even think that the movie will help people know how to better support their friends or family through such a loss... 

It opened up a lot of conversations for us between commercials and afterwards... that was good for me... honestly, I know that it is still important to process my emotions at times and it helps to talk about it and share my story... I was amazed when I realized that I had never told my mom how they told me Samuel was dead...(yes... a knock on the door, a head peaking in the room and saying, "your baby has no cardiac activity, your doctor in his way!"  Head was no longer peaking in and that was it... OUCH!  It still makes me angry... how about an I'm sorry... it sounded so sterile... no cardiac activity??? How about heartbeat??? It just sounds warmer to me...)  How did I miss telling my mom all of that... 

It just goes to show me again, how shock and sadness affect a person... I know we all did our very best just to get through the loss and deep sorrow.  I may not always have dealt with it in the most ideal way ( or maybe some people have thought that)... but I truly was... and still am doing my very best with what the Lord has allowed into our lives... It is still hard... really hard... Samuel is still missed each and every day... And the trauma you experience when a baby dies while still inside of you is real... 

I am so thankful that Return to Zero will help break the silence that surrounds stillbirth...  I am so thankful for family and friends who still support me... who are still are willing to talk about and mention Samuel by name... I am so amazed by God's power to heal a shattered heart...