Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Big steps... Big missing... What God whispers...

Big changes around this house... Big missing happening in our hearts...
But at the same time big joy and thankfulness abounds as well!

And God is so sweet to whisper things to my heart that give my heart the perspective it needs... He is so good...

If I am completely honest, I am a nostalgic one.  Ever since I knew Caleb would be heading to OK for half the summer, I was counting down with last dinners, last family movie nights, last day of work, last family devotions, even last laundry folding night ... In my heart, wanting to savor every single thing and soak up each moment committing it to memory...

That goodbye when he left for OK back in May was brutal... once you have a child in heaven, things look a little different, you think different things, and truth be told during that last hug goodbye before he left for OK, I couldn't help but wonder if I would get the chance to hug him again this side of heaven... Actually, I made him get out of the car... to get one more hug from him... I know that might sound crazy, but I know how quickly life in an instant can change and be completely different from what you were expecting.

But oh how God used that time in OK and other promptings that I know HE gave to me to prepare my heart for Caleb to head to college this fall...

And that is just what he did last Friday...

But let me back up just a touch... I had wondered how on earth I would leave this kid at college and just walk away... leaving half my heart there... But God was so good to give me something that just put it all in perspective for me..

Let me first of all say that I am 100% thrilled for him... am so thankful for where he is, who his roommates are, and I know that this is a wonderful amazingly great place for Caleb to be... It seriously is such a great fit for him!  I am SO excited for all God has in store for him and I know he is going to do great and have an amazing time!!!!

But let me also say that the hurt leaving a child at college brings about is real too:) And I knew I was going to need help from God to process and get through that part!  (Keeping it real:) For me the sadness comes because I know in my heart it is the end of the ways things have been... Things will NEVER  be the same... but I also know it is the start of a lot of really great things too...

When I dropped Caleb off at the airport last Monday...(He had the amazing opportunity to go back to OK to see his girlfriend, her sweet family, and to see a really great concert.  He couldn't pass it up:) Him going meant we would pick him up from Milwaukee Friday with the van packed full of his stuff and head right for CUW from there.
"When I dropped him at the airport last Monday... I literally cried the whole way home... Oh man my heart ached knowing his time at home, the way it has been, was over... I was SO sad...

And this is where God showed up for me in such a special way...

It seriously was in that exact same moment that I thought, "How am I going to just drop him there at school and walk away from him...?", That God whispered this to my heart...

"But you get to!"

It is so so true... I really do get to!!

Immediately, I knew what God wanted me to hold onto... I get to have a front row seat to watch all that Caleb will experience in the coming years in college... I will get to see him shine in his studies, on the soccer friend, in relationships...

I will also maybe get to see the challenges he goes through, some struggles he may face, maybe even some failures along the way...

But it 100% is a privilege to GET TO witness this time in his life.  There are many families who won't get to see their child walk, talk, get their first job, go to college... I won't ever  get to see Samuel experience any of that... Not a single one of us is guaranteed tomorrow.  And as much as it is sad for me to not have him here, I keep reminding myself that I am so very blessed to GET TO be a part of Caleb's life right now... It is an honor and privilege and I am so very grateful!


So when I did drop Caleb off at Concordia University on Friday, Greg was on the other side of the world, literally... in Poland...  My heart has been preparing to take our first child going away to school on my own... Well not really, seeing as how I had 6 of the best little helpers/siblings joining me.  (Thankfully I also had a dear friend who was able to help us get Caleb's car up there as well... which also made the ride back SO much better to have a friend along!)


When we picked him up at the Milwaukee airport, I was so thankful for a 30 minute drive with him all to myself to catch up, get in my last bits of mom advice, and soak him in...

Here he is in front of his dorm with the kids (not sure why the photos are so blurry:(



Moving in and getting all unpacked... sweet Jojo, so tenderhearted... it was a hard day for him... 


So the band aid of dropping him off, literally got ripped off in a hurry!!!  We unpacked him, got him all settled, and then I had to head to a parent meeting for soccer from 1-2.  The whole team of boys (all his brand new friends:) showed up a few minutes before for their team meeting that was from 2-3... Literally I got a quick hug from him, and "I love you!" and off they all went into the meeting room... My brain was thinking... "That is it?  I sort of think that the coach plans it that way... ouch!!!

There was no way I was going to be a blubbering hot mess in front of his new coaches and teammates... although it took everything in me... :)

We miss Caleb so much!  I even miss seeing his beater JEEP in the driveway... The house seems quieter, there is less food to be made, it is just different... my steady eddy is no longer here...

But at the same time, I know he is doing great there at school, enjoying his roommates, and settling into the soccer routine.  I know he is really enjoying it!

And I know there will be a different kind of sweetness here at home... One that we all will get used to in time... I am so very thankful that God walks right with us through the amazingly difficult and beautiful times in life! And I couldn't be prouder of Caleb:)

And I am so thankful that I get to... 
It is such a great reminder to my heart of all the sweet little blessings and challenges that we are blessed to be able to experience each day... even the laundry, dishes, child training... every bit is really a privilege:)