We are all broken...

Let's be honest...
That right there is a hard thing... sometimes easier for some than others...

I am not a pessimist... we have a wonderful life... but in all honesty, it wasn't all that long ago when there were days that I wasn't sure I would survive...
TRULY...
I wasn't sure I wanted to survive...
And if I am totally honest, there are still days that my heart aches for my baby boy and I long more for Heaven than the day that is ahead of me...
These days now are few and far between now... but still present...

But being in ministry as a pastor's wife, leading an infant loss support group, I hear and see first hand many with broken hearts ALL THE TIME...

Having just experienced the blessing of Kaliyah and seeing the sorrow and pain of her birth mother as she handed over this precious little bundle she loved, showed me afresh the huge amount of brokenness that loads of people are dealing with daily...

Your brokenness might come from a place of abuse, abandonment, an area of sin that you are in bondage to, a bad job situation, the loss of a loved one, depression, addiction, loneliness, your own bad choices, dealing with someone else's bad choices, serious illnesses, battles of the mind...
I could go on and on...
Some of them could be things that maybe we had a part in creating... but most probably are areas that are really just a cross that we have to bear (ours by no action on our own part) and a result of sin being a part of this world...

Some of these areas of brokenness might be something that is bearable, a burden that you carry but that you realistically can carry in this life and still function...

Others areas of brokenness are all consuming... Really they may have you in a place of survival... I have been there... not a good place to be at all...

Could the Lord heal us of these thorns in our sides instantly... FOR SURE... does He still heal in this way today... I believe He can and does... but it doesn't always seem to work that way... Some times He heals instantly... Sometimes He heals slowly over time... Sometimes He uses modern medicine... Sometimes He uses things we may never suspect... And sometimes He heals us in Heaven...

I really do believe that these areas of brokenness, while in the moment may seem impossible and unbearable, are areas that the Lord is going to use in amazing, inconceivable ways if you let Him... But yes, I know that it takes time to get to that point in the healing process...

And in all honesty, I meant what I said... we are all broken in one way or another... I wouldn't ever judge you in your brokenness... I wouldn't judge why you are broken and I would pray that you would do the same for me and others... not judge...

There is nothing worse than feeling judged in your hurt, when you are already hurting and in need of great healing...

I have a precious friend from the state we previously lived in that was involved in the same home school coop with me...

She was amazing... We opened our hearts to each other and she was never afraid to mention Samuel's name, check in with me regarding how I was feeling, and was a listening ear, always able to make me laugh.  She was also going through a particular  time of brokenness... Very few there knew what was going on for her outside the doors of our coop... but I did... I am sure she didn't share all the hard unbearable details with me, but oh the prayers that were offered up for her family during this time... I knew they had sought help from doctors all over the country... Then on top of all of that she lost her dad very suddenly... talk about hard...

I have so much love and respect for her... I love that she has shared their story... I love that she is being open and honest about a part of their story that isn't easy to share... This is HUGE and could bless others in a HUGE way...
She and her son recently shared a video about a type of therapy that has been a huge blessing to her, her son, and as a result her whole family... It has changed their lives... I wanted to share her video because if there is anything that might help another person in a similar situation I would love for others to experience healing in one way or another... I believe it offers great hope for the future...

Please watch when you have a free moment... I am so touched that they shared their story to help others who are going through the struggles of mental illness...


Hayden from BMC Ferrell on Vimeo.

Here are just a few words from my sweet friend Michelle about sharing this video...
Someone asked me if they could share and yes, that's totally fine. It's our goal to share our story so that we can bring awareness not only to NF, but also to the struggle of living with mental health disorders and the lack of modern medicine's ability to truly cure the brain. Mental health disorders carry such a negative stigma, and unless we educate, people who struggle will continue to be labeled. 


I am so touched that they shared their story to help others who are going through the struggles of mental illness... I do not deal with depression on a regular basis, but it is something I struggled with after losing our son in 2008... My heart goes out to those that struggle in this area...

Here is a link to learn more about neuro feedback...

http://www.abundantlivingneurofeedback.com/

I would love to see people showing deep love, care, and concern for all who struggle with illnesses of any kind... I am so thankful that God can use so many different ways to help and heal us...

Why MEND exists...

This is a text I received yesterday morning... Our monthly MEND infant loss support group meeting was the night before and I wasn't able to lead due to still being in Arizona.  I am so grateful for the ladies that assist me and help these hurting families along side of me... It means so very much to me... I have a passion for MEND because it was a lifeline to me after Samuel died...not all of these ladies experienced MEND for themselves after their own losses but have so graciously allowed God to use the deepest pain of thier hearts to minister to others...here is the text... It was from a gal who delivered her still born son a week ago and was at MEND for the first time...

 I didn't share this with you last evening but as ------- was leaving she thanked me and said how good this was for her to come. She asked if she could hug me. Her parting words were "I don't like the club but I have really enjoyed the people. Thanks for letting me see past a few weeks, to a few years and more"..... I think that sums up what or who we are, what we hope to offer. Thought you would enjoy this.

Oh yes, can I relate to that... I remember my first MEND meeting 3 weeks after the still birth of Samuel at 40 full weeks.  I remember feeling like I would never survive this and there they were... ladies 6 months out,  1 year out,  4 years out from their loss. There they were still remembering that precious child, yet very much alive and even thriving after a devastating loss.  It gave me HOPE!! 

This is a gift to me... To know that God doesn't waste our pain... He uses it ALL  when we let him... Thank you Jesus for using and bringing something beautiful from the broken places of our lives...

MEND tree at the zoo lights...

MEND was blessed this year to have a tree at the Brookfield Zoo Lights Display...

There were almost 500 trees that lined the mall at the zoo and were decorated by different groups or businesses.

We all took to the zoo amidst the first snow fall of the year.
We had one gal who worked very hard to get decorations and make ornaments remembering every MEND Chicagoland baby...

My heart was so touched and the tree turned out beautiful!

Some of the precious ladies that come to our MEND meetings each month...

We even had an envelope with extra MEND angel ornaments for others to add their baby to the MEND tree if they wanted to remember their baby with us, as well as information on our monthly meetings.

Samuel's ornament...

What a special day it was... Beautiful snow falling... friends with a unique bond that few fully understand... 

It was another great way for us to get the message of MEND out to some people who may not know that MEND even exists...

But most importantly it is another way for us to remember the beautiful and precious children that God has blessed us with, that are no longer here with us... 

No longer here...

But NEVER EVER forgotten... 

Beautiful day celebrating our boy...

ALWAYS remembered...

ALWAYS loved...

ALWAYS missed...

ALWAYS treasured...

We had a beautiful day celebrating the precious life of our Samuel !  

7 WHOLE years closer to Heaven!!!

7 years closer to heaven...

Louis and his baby brother...
The beautiful love of a big brother... What a protector he would have been for Samuel... Strong, faithful, big brother... 

Two  of the hardest, most traumatic, and most beautiful days of my life...

The day we found out you were already with your Creator... 10-29-08

And the day we got to hold your precious body in our arms... 10-30-08

One of my favorite pictures... always will be... my first 5 children... 

These beautiful faces and these hard feelings and emotions felt by all of us seared into my memory...

Just look at their eyes... 

The sweetest, most loving big sister ever... Oh the love and pride that was flowing out of her that day... not a hint of fear... just love... Kiss right on his lips... 

I wanted him in my arms... But so did she... So did all of us... 

And so passed the 4 hours and 50 minutes we had him in our arms... As Samuel's body was passed from one loving set of arms to the next... 

A lifetime of kisses given...

A lifetime of love felt...

A lifetime only lived in my womb...

And all of our lives changed forever...

Samuel Mark Hintz

9lb. 2 oz. 

He was perfect, except for the places where his skin was already loosening up... 

Beautiful ruby red lips,  full cheeks,  sweet round face, full head of hair.  God was showing off when He made Samuel... he was so handsome... 

There is nothing like going through the fire to see what your relationships are made of...

Some crumble... some thrive... some surprise you... Some don't surprise you at all... 

But this man... I believe God knew fully how the depth of how this loss would affect me... and He gave me the perfect partner to walk through sorrow and suffering with... 

Ever patient, ever loving, ever present, ever faithful, ever kind, ever prayerful in the darkness of night for my heart, my mind and thoughts, and my physical life... thank you God for giving me a man that didn't rush me... 

Sweet baby lover Caleb... Oh how excited he was to meet his baby brother... A boy who still to this day, holds his emotions in check... 

I will never forget Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... 

We watched the video that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer made for us... 

We were hunkered down on the couch under our Samuel blanket (the one hand tied by 4 families that we were close to at the Seminary, each tie of the blanket tied while praying over our kids and family as a whole... What a beautiful sacrifice of time and love for us... still blows me away:)

Caleb was just quiet, so quiet... All I said was, "It is ok to cry Caleb..." 

And oh the tears that flowed... 

You love big... You hurt big... 

And there is not a thing wrong with that... 6 years ago and even now... 

I know God hand picked the photographer that spent time with us that day... Kaycee Deen Hopper.
She was kind, loving, and captured all the details of Samuel... I had no idea the magnitude of her gift to us that day... How often I would pour over each picture... 

What a gift... Some of the only pictures of our son... 

Besides the totally tactless nurse who peeked her head in my hospital room to tell me, "Your doctor is on his way, there is no cardiac activity in your baby..." 

Ahhhh... wait a minute, not even the care to come to my bedside and make sure I understood fully what those words meant... or a statement of sympathy... Nope... Just the quiet words as she peeked around the door into my room and she was gone...

And there we were left to pick up the pieces...

Actually more like to feel the pieces of our shattered hearts coming undone...

But besides her, my nurses during labor were nothing short of amazing... I know they were sent specifically by God for me... Praying for me when I didn't think I could go on another minute... Calling on the Holy Spirit for comfort... 

They knew what I really needed, more than what I knew...

And so it is when you know you are going to have to hand over one of your greatest gifts in life... 

You breath in deep... smell his scent... You unwrap and lay them bare to take in every inch and try to sear it into your memory forever...

You hold them close cheek to cheek, lips to lips, soft skin to tear streaked skin... 

knowing this is all you have... right now... And once you hand them over...

They are gone... forever... this side of Heaven....

Little toes just like daddy... curved outward... 

Dark hair like Louis and Caleb, round face like Anna, full body like Jojo... 

He was amazing... 

After waiting so long to see him... I was beaming with pride, yet heart broken beyond what I ever thought possible... 

Even now, tears fall... Oh what I would give just to hold his 7 year old little boy body in my arms... Oh to smell his scent again... Oh to hear his voice call out, "mama", oh to see the love his siblings have for him played out in real time,  oh to watch him behave like a rascal just like the rest of the kids,  oh to realize what he would look like at 7, oh to have a heart that doesn't bear the scars of losing a child, Oh to have all of my kids with me...

Could I do it... Wish for it to be any different than it is right now? For all of the reasons above.... Yes...

But realistically, For his sake, Samuel's sake, Could I wish for him to be in this broken world instead of completely healthy and whole in Heaven... Not a chance...

God sees that big picture... right from the start... 

For Us, when we are in the throws of sorrow and suffering... All we see if the deep darkness surrounding us... All we feel is the painfulness of the separation in this life... 

But slowly, the further you step away from that broken broken place, you see the darkness and the light... 

You feel the joy and the pain... all at once sometimes...

You see the broken pieces of your heart being planted by the creator and new green life emerging...

A life that NEVER  would have been possible with out the beautiful precious life of Samuel... but also would NEVER have been possible with out the devastating loss of that same precious boy... 

How do I resolve all of this in my mind, now 7 years later?

I constantly surrender it... to His ALMIGHTY will and plan... 

I recall God's faithfulness through it all because I truly have seen it, felt it and known HIS love and faithfulness in a way I never did before... 

I feel what I need to, when I need to... 

I open my heart to allowing God to continue to use His BEAUTIFUL gift of Samuel in any way He chooses... 

And I thank HIM again and again for every single second I had with our 5th born...

 I cherish the memories... 

 I keep his memory alive for His siblings... 

 I thank God for the lessons I have learned about others, myself, my God, and real love...

 I value Samuel's life, every bit of it only lived in my womb.  

As deeply as I have hurt... I would not for a second change, the gift of carrying Samuel and losing him a day after my due date... Truly... I wouldn't... 

It has taken a lot of time... And even as I remember through tears... I remember with great great joy as well... I am so thankful God chose me to be Samuel's mom... 

Today and tomorrow we will celebrate his beautiful life... We will eat cake, proclaim God's faithfulness to us in the past year, as we decorate the cake, like we do every single year. We will release balloons, we will spend the afternoon remembering and being together as a family... 

Samuel Mark Hintz, you are God's gift to us... You have changed us, given us a new perspective on life.. Your life has grown in us new passions and purpose... 

You are remembered ALWAYS...

 thought of EVERY single day... 

Your life is valued and treasured...

 And you are LOVED SO DEEPLY... 

7 years closer to heaven and seeing you again Sweet boy... 

What kindness...

This came in the mail a couple of days ago...

It is titled ...

A mommies love goes with you...

And oh, that is so true... 

I will never forget the moment I handed Samuel over for the last time to Greg, who handed him to the nurse...

She so tenderly put him in the bassinet and wrapped a paper looking cover around him... Put a sticker on the front of it to keep it closed and walked out the door pushing the bassinet in front of her...

And just like that... My son, in the physical sense, was gone from my life forever...

This sweet gift came from a friend who has walked the same journey of stillbirth and infant loss...

She knows...

 She has her own story of saying goodbye to her precious daughter emily before she ever wanted to...

What a beautiful kind gesture to know he isn't forgotten by others outside of our family... Even now almost 7 years later!

This blessed my heart today... It literally ripped my heart out as I can not believe for a second that I have been apart from Samuel for almost 7 years... That pain still cuts deep...

I am more reflective and contemplative for sure as I walk through the motions of these days... I just can't help it... And no matter what, October is hard... The end of the month harder...

But at the same time... It blesses me to look back and treasure my time with him... To feel it all...  To remember... 

I am thankful today for kindness, friends, and that I don't walk this journey here alone...

I have dear sweet friends that walk with me... And most importantly, a savior who is right beside me or carrying me when needed...

 Despite the hurt... 

He is still SO GOOD!

Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015

October 30, 2008

Today October 15th, Infant loss and Remembrance Day, almost 7 years later we remember this beautiful gift from God...

 Samuel Mark Hintz.  

The amount of people we hold dear in our life that have lost babies is at times overwhelming... In today's day and age where we can instantly send messages around the world, you would think we could keep perfectly healthy babies alive in their mother's wombs.  

It is a continual surrendering of my will to the will of the Father and His best plans for our lives.  

Thankfully, He has used it all...

every tear...

every hurtful word...

every lost dream...

every bit of loneliness...

every bit of my aching arms...

every bit of it all... and my heart is so grateful! 

Tonight we remember Samuel Mark Hintz, Baby Joel (the baby we were set to adopt), baby hintz who we miscarried...

Baby Emily, Grady, Owen, Felicity, Emmy, Airrington, Jesse, Brooke, Phoenix, Genesis, Nate, and so so many more...

Tonight we will light a candle at 7pm. in memory of each and every one of their precious, beautiful, treasured, and missed lives...

So thankful for Heaven... 

Treasured friend

God has brought me some pretty amazing relationships out of losing my sweet baby Samuel.

My sweet friend Katie lost her baby girl Emily about 2 1/2 years after Samuel died and my very first conversation with her was the night before Emily's funeral.  And the very first time I met her was the day she buried her baby girl.  One of the things I admire most about Katie is that she see what you get. She is transparent, kind, generous, and sincere.  She is funny and oh so honest!

Never could I have imagined all that we have experienced together since meeting 4 years ago.  We have stayed close even thought now we are 12 hours apart from one another... She used to live literally 5 minutes away when we lived in Oklahoma and I can't tell you how many times she helped me fold laundry while Caleb made her bacon.  :)  Katie was went on my first trip to Uganda with me!  What an amazing thing to experience together!

I am old enough to be her mom:) Truly! She loves my kids and we all love her!

Lucky for us she has a special friend about 2 hours away from us so we have been blessed to be able to spend some time with her lately!

Here we are at Feed My Starving Children making meals in memory of Samuel and Emily!  We packed enough for  56 kids to eat for a year... LOVE IT!!!

We even got to go check out my old stomping grounds where Greg and I met at Concordia on the lakefront in Wisconsin.  The campus is even prettier than I remember it:)  You can't tell by his expression in this picture, but Isaiah loves her so much:)

 

My heart is amazed and thankful that God ALWAYS proves himself faithful!

He is fully capable of bring beauty from the ashes and does it a million times over!  

He is able to weave these amazing friends, relationships, right directly out of our hurt!

Company:)

Some of my most precious memories of seminary life were with my dear lady friends...

My Sunday Night Club girls...

Oh the laughs we would have as we shared half price appetizers at Applebee's after 9pm on Sunday nights:)

Oh the deep conversations that were shared as we all adjusted to the fact that each of our husbands had left  "real world"jobs to answer Gods call to go back to school to become a pastor...

Oh the fun we would have at the Seminary Wives Valentines Dance... seriously memories that I still smile and giggle about to this day...

Oh the fun of Friday night family BBQ's right outside our back door on campus in the Woods...

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was blessed by my upstairs Seminary neighbor MaryAnne coming to stay the night while Greg and that big boys were in Haiti... 

Last week I got to visit over the phone with my dearest most precious Friend Becky... oh the passions, and loves that we have in common!

 And last Monday my sweet Sunday night club friend Shari and her family came and visited from Texas! 

We used to be right on their way when we lived in Texas and were able to be a good stopping point for them on their road trips home... 

It blessed my heart to be with their family... The big boys got to experience exploring downtown on Segways with them.  And most of all, I just loved getting to visit!  

What a gift to my heart to either see or hear from 3 of my dear precious Seminary friends all in the last couple of weeks...

All 3 of these families tied blankets for our 4 kids after Samuel died,  and all together (with one additional family) made a huge family blanket for us... They stood tying that blanket and praying over us ... Those gestures won't ever be forgotten... And all 5 blankets still get loads of use in this house! 

Tonight my heart is thankful for friends... new and old...

When my knees hit the ground...

Have you ever had those hurts... that still years later... still hurt...  Not all the time... but from time to time... you just can't deny that the hurt remains...

You know you have forgiven those who have hurt you... or it may not even be because of something someone else did, but just due to life circumstances...
Even though you have gotten through the initial shock of the hurt and maybe a lot of the healing...

Regardless of all of that... it doesn't mean your heart has forgotten the hurt...  or doesn't still ache at times because of the hurt... At first like a scab that can be torn off again... or later like scar that is still tender...

So much of those hurts for me reflect back on my time after losing Samuel... Oh how badly my heart hurt, and how broken I was as a person...

PRAISE GOD, He doesn't leave us in our brokenness forever...

Last night we had MEND and we talked a lot about Mother's Day and what that day is like when you don't have all of your children here with you...

This song is one I have been hitting over and over again on my play list as I run lately... It is so beautiful...

"I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground!" Oh, we are so close to the Father's heart when we are in prayer communicating with him... And my babies are with Him... Wow... how thankful I am for that...

And when I am at the table for Communion during church I can't help but think of communing with all the saints here on earth and in Heaven... All of us worshiping the Savior together at the same time... My Babies and I doing the same thing... Them in Heaven and me still here on earth...

 I have thought so often lately of What Heaven is like for Samuel, Joel, or the baby we miscarried...

 I know there isn't any pain or sorrow... I can't help but wonder if there are moms who had to leave their babies too soon that on this Mother's Day are hanging out with my mine...
or are there grandmas that never got to rock their grand babies that will  scoop them  right up on their laps...

 I know it doesn't really matter because whatever is happening...

 It is perfect...

It brings my heart comfort to think of those things...

Enjoy Touch the Sky... by Hillsong United...

The Human video...

update:
The link to the video isn't working because the church decided to edit it a bit... I will repost it when I hear that it is up:)

Here is a copy of the human video that the St. Pauls youth kids did last Sunday that I posted about yesterday...

Still so touched and grateful for those precious people...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CuW8vCLeBH8

Have you ever felt invisible? Do they?

Have you ever felt invisible?

Can you relate to being in a room full of people and yet feeling all alone?

I have been there... 

Many times in life... I have been there...

I especially remember after Samuel died being in church and feeling totally unnoticed...

Let me rephrase that...

I felt like I was being watched.  I knew I was being watched... I was the lady whose baby had died... I felt the eyes on me... yet even with tears overflowing out of my eyes...Most days there wasn't a response... I felt totally unnoticed... 

I felt almost invisible... 

Then I didn't just feel totally broken hearted... but I felt brokenhearted and worthless...

Sad, but true...

(Praise God for His amazing healing and faithfulness to restore what was once broken and rebuild a shattered life into something beautiful again... He is soooooo good!)

Have you ever felt that way... 

Invisible...

Unnoticed...

Maybe even that you life might be lacking worth???  I would guess that most of us have at one point or another...

What about Tony?  How did he feel as his life reached a near life or death point severely malnourished and abused?

Or precious Jackson... How does he feel being deaf and having CP?

Or this sweet sweet baby Joshua with severe burns from a house fire... Will he feel invisible as he grows and watches how people may stare?  

(I love how every time I looked at him, he just got cuter and cuter... I noticed those burns less and less with each passing moment... Oh how I miss this baby so much... my heart is aching to hold him again and hear his amazing laugh...  He is such a precious gift!)

While in Uganda I was  talking with our leader about how I was feeling embarrassed and convicted that  I knew people at our current church that had special needs children... Some of them similar to the kids we had been working with daily at The Gem Foundation, and I had yet to approach those kids... I had spoken with their parents... but sadly not taken the time to reach out directly to the children... and speak directly with them....

Our leader right away said, "They must feel so invisible..."  

In that moment... My heart broke... 

Lord forgive me for the times I have made any of your precious children, young or old, perfectly healthy or not, in their right mind or not... feel invisible... 

I mention about my feelings after Samuel died, not with any ill intent... but  only because I get it... 

In people's own uncomfortableness with me and my baby dying they found it difficult to reach out to me...

And I have done the same thing... in a different situation... but ultimately, a very similar thing... probably having the same exact result... Because many times things have been outside my comfort zone, I haven't reached out... I haven't made an effort... I've stepped away... and...

The end  result has probably been me hurting those people many times over... ouch!

My heart breaks over that... is embarrassed by it... And thankfully recognizes it and wants to change. it... 

Does Bethany look invisible?

What a beautiful smile and and wonderful JOY that radiates from her... 

Does Jerome look invisible?

What tender love and Care Liz shows him each day... showing him... You are worth it!

What about this precious new little guy?  Does he look invisible?

Day after Day I watched Albert tickle, feed, and push the older boys in cars... all these young boys beaming in delight at the experience of knowing that someone loves them...

What about Shafik?  Living with Autism, does He look invisible to you?

Cradled in the arms of his caregiver... He knows he is home!

What about Tony... severely malnourished and abused... does he appear invisible?

This Tony, with eyes that captured my heart... continually with Rita by his side (and Maciej never far away while we were there:) tenderly being shown... he matters... His life is precious... His life is of unbelievable worth to God and us....

Each and everyday, we may not know fully what those around us are feeling...

Each and everyday... we can make someone feel special, loved, cared for and precious...
We can cast away our judging human eyes...
And see them how God sees them...

Oh the lessons that God impressed upon my heart while in Uganda...

I am excited... I have been in conversation with one of the moms from our church who has a child like some of the kids we cared for in Uganda... first I apologized... Then I asked to hear more about this precious boys story...

I can't wait to get connected with them...

I am so thankful for God's goodness to me...
I am so thankful that He continually teaches me...
And I am so thankful for all the different, unique, amazing precious people He uses in my life to teach me...

Christmas isn't always easy or joyfilled... when your heart is hurting...

My heart has an ache in it and is heavy...

Heavy for all the new families that have joined our MEND group in the last 2 months...

Heavy for all of those that are struggling because the holidays and Christmas are hard when  piece of your heart is in Heaven...

Heavy for a precious 10 grader from our old church school who lost her mom in 3rd grade and whose dad is critically ill in the hospital and not expected to live... from what I have been told...
(Could you imagine being 15 and potentially with out parents???  My heart just absolutely breaks for her... she didn't have any siblings either... ) I see kids like this all the time in uganda... but not here... I am so very sad for her...

Would you please pray for Emily... that if God sees fit for her dad's life to be spared that it would be... for strength for her and comfort for her heart... for people to raise up and surround her fully in your love... That if he does pass that God has the perfect family for her to be a part of...  She really could use the prayers of God's people.

I remember that first Christmas after Samuel died, and the truth be told... I kind of was hoping Christmas could just slip right passed us... That of course didn't happen...

 It was hard as a different mom, dad and newborn baby played Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus in the church program... ( We were assigned those roles before Samuel was born)

It was hard trying to shop for the other kids, listen to Christmas music,  or cook a Christmas meal when really that all seemed so insignificant in the big picture of grief and sorrow.

If you have someone that you know that has had a loss recently or if you know anyone that is hurting this Christmas, please reach out lovingly  and tenderly to them ... please approach the throne of grace lifting them up to the Father...

Special memories...

It was a beautiful day to send up messages to our little man...

The little guys totally got into releasing balloons this year... The 3 littles chased them all the way across the field as they lifted off... It was really sweet!

What a special day we had yesterday celebrating Samuel's precious life... We all went and saw Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Day.   (our tradition each year to go see a family movie) 

Oh my goodness did we all laugh... It was really cute:) We had the theatre all to ourselves except for one gentleman in the back with his phone out the whole time... We joked that maybe he was pirating the movie... That part was kind of weird.... But we had a great time...

This year as we decorated Samuel's cake I was so thankful to the Lord for the growth of the older kids... Of course from the little kids, we got lots of precious or funny things that they were thankful for... But for the older kids, I am amazed at how insightful and thoughtful they were...

Evidence that God really has used Samuel's sweet life in their lives...

My prayer has always been that somehow the Lord would use all that my kids went through (losing their brother Samuel, the stillbirth of Joel that we were going to adopt just 8 mos later, a miscarriage, and an iffy adoption) in those early years of our losses to make them more compassionate, tenderhearted, and bold to reach out to others especially when someone else experiences a loss of some kind... Thank God He is answering those prayers... I see them do or say things often, that never would have been said had it not been for the Lord working through these hard things to refine and grow them all... I am so thankful for that!

Here is what my sweet Louis posted on facebook yesterday... It warms my heart to see and hear how he feels about his brother Samuel in Heaven... 

6 years... 72 months... 2,191 days... 52,584 hours... 3,155,040 seconds... Since I've seen your precious face, since I've held your tiny hands, since we've been together. It seems so long yet so short at the same time. I miss you so much and think of you all the time. I wish you could be here so I could teach you how to play soccer. I wish you could be here so I could take pictures of your cute chubby face. I wish lots of things, but they aren't things for this life. God had a different plan for our lives! I know one day I'll see you again, and boy oh boy will that be a glorious day! I love and miss you so so so much lil bro! Until that beautiful day when I see you again! Samuel Mark Hintz 10/30/08

 — with Caleb Hintz and 2 others.

There were those... thank God for those....

With any anniversary comes strong memories... especially when it comes to spending the one and only day with the little one that you carried for close to 10 months...

I seem to do a lot of thinking while I run... This week that thinking has been on my boy... my sweet Samuel...

So with the running and the memories inevitably come the tears... boy that can get ugly... at least for any passersby... it kind of makes me laugh just to think of how it all must look...

Of course there are the precious memories of that day... taking in every single little bit of him that I could absorb in my mind... How I wish I could have multiplied that time with him by 1,000... It was painful and so beautiful all at the same time...

Yesterday Anna hit the nail on the head when in her writing journal she wrote, "I kept trying to take him away from my mom because I wanted to keep holding him."  She did!  Boy was it hard to balance letting everyone have a chance with their brother and me just wanting him the whole time in my arms...

My biggest regret... not have the wear with all in my mind to stay at the hospital till my mom got there to see and hold him... Why I thought it was a good idea to say our goodbyes and hand him over and then drive to the airport to pick her up is still beyond me... Why someone didn't say, "She will want to see him."  Heck, why we didn't turn around and go back to the hospital for her to see him... His body was there in the refrigerator just waiting for the funeral home... I honestly, can't beat myself up over it... You do the best you can in the shock of what you are experiencing, but it still makes me sad and angry...

Of course a million things run through my mind as I was running this week...

The incredible pain of the loneliness I felt that first year... on top of my grief...
The struggle to get through the days with my living kiddos...
The many times insensitive things were said, or done (for example the sweet grandma who just couldn't contain herself my first night back at church less than 2 weeks later and had to gush and show me all the pictures of her new grand baby... knife to the heart!)  Truly, she is more than forgiven... :)

(My sweet Anna, so tenderhearted...)

(One of my all time favorite pictures... no fear of death...  no uncomfortableness... only true, deep love for her little brother... and she wanted to show it!)

 I was going to write out some of those hard hard things that daily made my life hard, really made Sundays the hardest day of the week for me...

Instead I wanted to share with you the beautiful precious things and people who made such a difference in the early days of my sorrow and loss... Their actions, stepping out of their comfort zones to do what must have been hard is so remembered by me... I know I will forget many and my intention isn't to make anyone ever feel bad... These are just the things that have popped into my head today as I remember my son...

(Inspecting every detail of my little guy)

There are those...

There were those nurses who prayed over me during labor when I couldn't go on... Thank you Lord for the bible belt... they were the two sweetest nurses ever...

There are those friends who put their boots on with their umbrella in hand, to stand with me in the falling rain of the early storms of sorrow... (you know who you are!)

There is the friend who barely knew me who asked, "Do you want to talk about him or would you rather not?"  You gave me the chance to share him with others... I SOOOOO needed to do that... I wanted his precious life shared...

There are those family members who drove hours arriving late into the night to share their love and gifts of music at His memorial service... Then driving through the night home... your sacrifice was precious to me... His service was exactly as I would have wanted it!

There are those total strangers to me who at my brothers church laid hands on me and prayed for the healing of my heart... That hadn't happened at our church and oh how I had needed that from day one and they supplied a need abundantly... Thank you Jesus!

There is the family member who said to me, "Take as long as you need!" and he meant it... healing nonjudgmental words from his heart... Never to be forgotten!"

There is the friend, who after noticing the kids and I weren't at our home church for two months, just took it upon herself to drive over, sit at the computer and pour over pictures of Samuel with me... I will NEVER forget it... she cared, she went out of her way to be Jesus in the flesh to me... I don't know when I might have returned without her...

There is the friend who consistently prayed for the rain of God's healing to flood my soul and stood with me in God's perfect plan for our family... Boy this friend got the "crazy" calls from me... and again and again reassured me that "I would be ok... she would feel the same way... and what I was feeling and thinking was normal"... What would I have done with out you sweet Nebraska friend???

There were the packages sent by dear family of my favorite fruit, pomegranates, and my favorite cookies just to make sure I felt loved and I did...

There was the sweet older lady who become our Oklahoma grandma to our kids... she too had lost a daughter... the conversations are precious to my heart that we shared...

There were those new "baby loss mamas" that became dear friends who lent so much support as we walked this new road together...

There were prayers offered hand in hand by sweet out of town friends when they would visit... Just what my heart needed at that time...

There was the calls from a few friends, truly that I didn't know super well from out of town, that made a point to call me... I didn't have the energy or strength to make many phone calls myself, but I so needed someone to talk to on the days she called... God knew...

There was the sweet elderly couple who called to bring dessert, we invited to dinner, and stayed asking to see what he looked like...They stayed for hours...  My heart was so touched... a special bond was shared...

There were those that drove to us to spend special weekends and holidays with us knowing we were alone and needed company that loved and knew us...

There was the friend, I hadn't talked to in years that upon hearing the news called me right away to let me know how much she cared and how sad she was...

There were those at MEND who lovingly remembered honored and valued our sons life with us... And gave me hope that I would heal in time...

There were those who even meeting the first time shed tears over our story of loss... I knew I had just found a dear friend right in that moment... Thank you Jesus!

There were those that celebrated his first birthday in Heaven with us... lovingly knowing we may cancel at any minute, but were game to share memories, tears and love...

There was the friends that God sent to care for our kids while we delivered Samuel.  The wife was the one and only person we knew to see my Samuel and shares such a special piece of my heart knowing that at least someone else we know and loved held that precious boy in their arms... God knew and ordained mighty plans to place us in the same city...

(Brothers then... today... forever!)

Truly, being in a new place made my grief so hard and lonely but I know God had big plans he laid in my heart to even in that loneliness weave a compassion in my heart for people to not have to grieve alone...

To focus on all the beautiful things people did for us... those friends near by and mostly those who made a point to do it from afar brings my heart great joy today...

It is a beautiful thing to see the body of Christ be the body... especially when it takes great effort from a distance...

They had to make even more of an effort and it didn't go unnoticed... Their love for Jesus and our family stretched across the miles to my broken heart and showed me our family was worth the effort to love, support and care for in our hardest days...

Beautiful ruby red lips of our Samuel Mark... Forever loved... Forever missed...