7 years closer to heaven...

Louis and his baby brother...
The beautiful love of a big brother... What a protector he would have been for Samuel... Strong, faithful, big brother... 

Two  of the hardest, most traumatic, and most beautiful days of my life...

The day we found out you were already with your Creator... 10-29-08

And the day we got to hold your precious body in our arms... 10-30-08

One of my favorite pictures... always will be... my first 5 children... 

These beautiful faces and these hard feelings and emotions felt by all of us seared into my memory...

Just look at their eyes... 

The sweetest, most loving big sister ever... Oh the love and pride that was flowing out of her that day... not a hint of fear... just love... Kiss right on his lips... 

I wanted him in my arms... But so did she... So did all of us... 

And so passed the 4 hours and 50 minutes we had him in our arms... As Samuel's body was passed from one loving set of arms to the next... 

A lifetime of kisses given...

A lifetime of love felt...

A lifetime only lived in my womb...

And all of our lives changed forever...

Samuel Mark Hintz

9lb. 2 oz. 

He was perfect, except for the places where his skin was already loosening up... 

Beautiful ruby red lips,  full cheeks,  sweet round face, full head of hair.  God was showing off when He made Samuel... he was so handsome... 

There is nothing like going through the fire to see what your relationships are made of...

Some crumble... some thrive... some surprise you... Some don't surprise you at all... 

But this man... I believe God knew fully how the depth of how this loss would affect me... and He gave me the perfect partner to walk through sorrow and suffering with... 

Ever patient, ever loving, ever present, ever faithful, ever kind, ever prayerful in the darkness of night for my heart, my mind and thoughts, and my physical life... thank you God for giving me a man that didn't rush me... 

Sweet baby lover Caleb... Oh how excited he was to meet his baby brother... A boy who still to this day, holds his emotions in check... 

I will never forget Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... 

We watched the video that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer made for us... 

We were hunkered down on the couch under our Samuel blanket (the one hand tied by 4 families that we were close to at the Seminary, each tie of the blanket tied while praying over our kids and family as a whole... What a beautiful sacrifice of time and love for us... still blows me away:)

Caleb was just quiet, so quiet... All I said was, "It is ok to cry Caleb..." 

And oh the tears that flowed... 

You love big... You hurt big... 

And there is not a thing wrong with that... 6 years ago and even now... 

I know God hand picked the photographer that spent time with us that day... Kaycee Deen Hopper.
She was kind, loving, and captured all the details of Samuel... I had no idea the magnitude of her gift to us that day... How often I would pour over each picture... 

What a gift... Some of the only pictures of our son... 

Besides the totally tactless nurse who peeked her head in my hospital room to tell me, "Your doctor is on his way, there is no cardiac activity in your baby..." 

Ahhhh... wait a minute, not even the care to come to my bedside and make sure I understood fully what those words meant... or a statement of sympathy... Nope... Just the quiet words as she peeked around the door into my room and she was gone...

And there we were left to pick up the pieces...

Actually more like to feel the pieces of our shattered hearts coming undone...

But besides her, my nurses during labor were nothing short of amazing... I know they were sent specifically by God for me... Praying for me when I didn't think I could go on another minute... Calling on the Holy Spirit for comfort... 

They knew what I really needed, more than what I knew...

And so it is when you know you are going to have to hand over one of your greatest gifts in life... 

You breath in deep... smell his scent... You unwrap and lay them bare to take in every inch and try to sear it into your memory forever...

You hold them close cheek to cheek, lips to lips, soft skin to tear streaked skin... 

knowing this is all you have... right now... And once you hand them over...

They are gone... forever... this side of Heaven....

Little toes just like daddy... curved outward... 

Dark hair like Louis and Caleb, round face like Anna, full body like Jojo... 

He was amazing... 

After waiting so long to see him... I was beaming with pride, yet heart broken beyond what I ever thought possible... 

Even now, tears fall... Oh what I would give just to hold his 7 year old little boy body in my arms... Oh to smell his scent again... Oh to hear his voice call out, "mama", oh to see the love his siblings have for him played out in real time,  oh to watch him behave like a rascal just like the rest of the kids,  oh to realize what he would look like at 7, oh to have a heart that doesn't bear the scars of losing a child, Oh to have all of my kids with me...

Could I do it... Wish for it to be any different than it is right now? For all of the reasons above.... Yes...

But realistically, For his sake, Samuel's sake, Could I wish for him to be in this broken world instead of completely healthy and whole in Heaven... Not a chance...

God sees that big picture... right from the start... 

For Us, when we are in the throws of sorrow and suffering... All we see if the deep darkness surrounding us... All we feel is the painfulness of the separation in this life... 

But slowly, the further you step away from that broken broken place, you see the darkness and the light... 

You feel the joy and the pain... all at once sometimes...

You see the broken pieces of your heart being planted by the creator and new green life emerging...

A life that NEVER  would have been possible with out the beautiful precious life of Samuel... but also would NEVER have been possible with out the devastating loss of that same precious boy... 

How do I resolve all of this in my mind, now 7 years later?

I constantly surrender it... to His ALMIGHTY will and plan... 

I recall God's faithfulness through it all because I truly have seen it, felt it and known HIS love and faithfulness in a way I never did before... 

I feel what I need to, when I need to... 

I open my heart to allowing God to continue to use His BEAUTIFUL gift of Samuel in any way He chooses... 

And I thank HIM again and again for every single second I had with our 5th born...

 I cherish the memories... 

 I keep his memory alive for His siblings... 

 I thank God for the lessons I have learned about others, myself, my God, and real love...

 I value Samuel's life, every bit of it only lived in my womb.  

As deeply as I have hurt... I would not for a second change, the gift of carrying Samuel and losing him a day after my due date... Truly... I wouldn't... 

It has taken a lot of time... And even as I remember through tears... I remember with great great joy as well... I am so thankful God chose me to be Samuel's mom... 

Today and tomorrow we will celebrate his beautiful life... We will eat cake, proclaim God's faithfulness to us in the past year, as we decorate the cake, like we do every single year. We will release balloons, we will spend the afternoon remembering and being together as a family... 

Samuel Mark Hintz, you are God's gift to us... You have changed us, given us a new perspective on life.. Your life has grown in us new passions and purpose... 

You are remembered ALWAYS...

 thought of EVERY single day... 

Your life is valued and treasured...

 And you are LOVED SO DEEPLY... 

7 years closer to heaven and seeing you again Sweet boy...