There are so many things swirling around in my mind, but I am not sure if I am ready to post about some of them...

not sure if people will understand where I am coming from...

not sure if I can handle the negative feedback I know that I will get from some... (that is the thing, there are things that just take time for me to know I can handle the good or the back feedback I may receive... and until I am at that point, I rather not share it)

not sure if I can articulate some of my feelings on some things without it coming across in a way I don't want it to... I know I am as confused as I sound at times...:)

We started a small group with couples from church. We meet twice a month and are studying the book Love and Respect. Already I am so incredibly thankful for the 3 other couples we meet with . I think they will be a safe place for us. Last night I laughed so hard at times and it felt so good. I love the moments when I have a good "throw your head back and let it go" laugh. At the same time we were all able to share struggles and challenge each other in our marriages. It has been a great book so far, we are only on Chapter 3 at this point. It has some revolutionary things I had NEVER really thought about, so we are looking forward to the rest of the book. Greg and I came home and were up till 1:15 just talking and talking about many things heavy on our hearts. My husband is such a good listener, but it was really so nice to hear him share his heart too.

For me a small group bible study has always been the place where your church starts to become your church family. That is one thing I have REALLY needed since we have been here, so I am so thankful that we are able to start building those relationships. It is just so hard on Sunday morning. I always stay after the service to visit. But with teaching the boys Sunday School class, making sure we are on time, and getting everyone to use the bathroom, all with Greg doing His:) thing... it just doesn't leave a whole lot of time to visit and get to know people.

I took the above pictures outside in or by Samuel's garden. There is a sense of relief that our first year without him has passed. We survived a year... we persevered through the hardest year of our lives to date, I still taught the kids, we still traveled, had food on the table, and the house didn't fall apart. I kind of feel like those are some good accomplishments considering many days I just truly felt like pulling the covers over my head and staying in bed. But just because we are one year closer to seeing Samuel in Heaven doesn't mean we miss him any less or think about him any less.

One of the biggest misconceptions I have found is that people feel like if I look like I am doing fine that if they bring up Samuel that they will bring up something I am not thinking about and that will make me sad. What they don't understand is I am still thinking about him still so much... almost all the time, consciously or subconsciously. That may not make sense to someone unless they have had a loss themselves. I still miss my boy like crazy. My chest still literally hurts some days. I think I really understand the broken heart "feeling". I never knew that was physically possible till losing Samuel. I still look at all babies and even kids up to a year and just watch them... knowing in my heart and seeing with my eyes all of the details and things we will never get the chance to experience with our son. That is still so very hard to swallow some days. Ugh! It is so interesting and almost out of body like, to watch others with their little ones just in blissful happiness from the outside. I don't know how to describe it from the outside, when you are living the exact opposite to them in regards to the babies that you carried. You know the pain and intense grief you feel, and they know of your loss to, but yet it feels like there is this total disconnect as I watch... Weird and bizarre to most probably... I don't expect people to get it but really I share here really just to help myself process things and who knows maybe someone else who has had a loss will know they are not alone. Or maybe someone will read what I say and be able to help someone else close to them who has had a loss. I just wonder when will I really get used to this "new normal"?

So here I started with not much to say or not knowing how to say anything... but huh... I seemed to get some out, even if it may have just sounded like a whole lot of rambling... still so much more in there...

We would appreciate prayers as we contemplate and pray about some different decisions we may make for our family. He is listening... He hears our prayers... The one who breathed life into us, is waiting for us to come and unload. I am so thankful he is there to take it, all of it. He is there listening... even if I don't always hear his answer or like his answer or am still waiting for His answer... I am glad He is listening.

SAYING GOODBYE... MORE LIKE SEE YOU SOON:)

JOJO THE UNICORN... ALL TUCKERED OUT.

ANNA AND MEREDITH, THE BOTTOMS GRANDDAUGHTER HAVING A SLEEP OVER... THESE TWO ARE 2 PEAS IN A POD.

CALEB WITH ONE OF THE BUNNIES AT THE BARN SALE

AT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA BOTTOMS.

We had a busy week last week with all of my friends here... by the way... I am still sad that they are gone, but so thankful for the time we had together.

Last week before our company arrived the kids and I had gone out to the Bottoms to help her cook for the barn sale that they had just this past weekend. She was going to do all of the concessions while the auction of all of the house and barn stuff was going on. I have never seen a more efficient person in the kitchen. I think we baked 4 cakes, 10 dozen cookies, and 2 pans of brownies. I have learned so many things from her in the kitchen.

The boys helped them with some outdoor stuff, and she and I cleaned out one of her deep freezes which in turn ended up blessing us with many coolers of food to take home. I was even able to make prime rib for my girlfriends. They all laughed that I went out and bought such a great cut of meat just for them. It was such a treat for all of us. Honestly, it was the first prime rib I have had and it was amazing:)

Greg and the kids went out all day Friday to help get ready for the auction the next day. The big boys slept over and got up early to help with the concessions on sale day. I have to tell you, when I arrived at the sale later that afternoon and saw all of the cars and people... I felt sick to my stomach. It was a bit rough for me... I can't imagine how it was for them. They are the most generous people... so incredibly hospitable.

Their granddaughter ended up sleeping over, so when I went back to drop her off I got a chance to tell Deena how much I appreciate them taking us under their wing this past year, during such a hard time for us. Their home here was amazing, but really they are what make their place so special and such a fun place to be. We have loved spending time with them. We will miss them so much. It was not an easy goodbye. We are so thankful that they will still need to come back up... or we can always go see them... Her daughter said we can come anytime. Actually it would be on the way if we go to Houston. When the kids heard that... they said can we try to see them twice a month... I love kids view on time... We feel so blessed to have had our time here in Oklahoma over lap with theirs for 1 year... God was good to have them here for us.

OUR NILMDTS PHOTOGRAPHER

These were pictures that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer sent to us the week of Samuel's birthday. Now I lay Me Down To Sleep is the organization that has volunteer photographers that go to the hospital to photograph babies either before they pass away or after. They give an unbelievably priceless, precious gift to us parents who have children in heaven.

Our photographer, Kaycee, has since moved to Virginia. We just love her and think that she is amazing. She went above and beyond what she needed to do for us the day Samuel died and in the months following while she edited all our pictures and made us our DVD. Months after Samuel had died I sent her some gift cards as a little thank you for all she did for us. What she did with those gift cards amazed me. She sent us a letter and these pictures the week of Samuel's birthday. She also sent a beautiful paper weight with a pictures of all of the kids together in it.

In the letter she told how she wanted to do something special with the gift cards. Now, that was the first thing that amazed me. (A lot of times if I get a gift card for me, I just spend it on something fun for me, a shirt, jewelry... whatever... but she actually put time into thinking about how to spend them. ) She decided to get a small Waterford compote. She had it engraved with one of "Samuel's" verses. Isn't it absolutely beautiful? What a meaningful way to spend our gift card... in a way that will help her remember our boy. She plans on putting it in her future baby's room as a gift from Samuel. She said she had no idea how our NILMDTS session would affect her even a year later. Her words were so sweet, she mentioned how often she thinks of us, including Samuel, and still prays for us. We so appreciat that.

I was just amazed, here this sweet gal volunteered her time to be there to capture our only moments with our son. She gave us the gift of our only photos as a family and the only photos of all 5 of our children together. We still have them all over our home. I'm sure some find it peculiar to have so many pictures around. But for now we still need that many to look at. Who knows, maybe I need them to look at. Maybe it won't always be that way, but for now it is. She did an amazing job and captured so many of the beautiful bits and pieces of our precious son. Her gift of photos is priceless. Now her gift of remembering our Samuel is priceless as well and touched us all so deeply.

I plan on writing a little more about Samuel's birthday week and either special things that were said to us, written to us, or given to us. I haven't had the chance yet... but it is in the plan...

GIRL'S WEEKEND

BECKY, DEEDEE, AND MYSELF

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "MAN CANDLES"?
THEY ARE PRETTY FUNNY AND STINKY...
SCENTS LIKE, FOOTBALL, BEER AND GARAGE...YUCK!


HANGING OUT IN DOWNTOWN COWETA...COWTOWN AS THEY AFFECTIONATELY CALL IT. I WOULD NEVER TAKE A PICTURE LIKE THIS, BUT THEY WOULDN'T LET ME SAY NO... A BIT GOOFY I KNOW.

I was so blessed this week by the visit of my girlfriends from our Seminary years. I can not tell you how much I have looked forward to this and how WONDERFUL it was for me. I have often said that I think my grief journey would have looked different if we had lost Samuel during our time at the seminary... and that would have been because of these great gals. While we were at the seminary, I think all but 1 of us lived on campus in the married housing. It was like college, but with families. This group of gals went out most Sunday nights. We would head out after 8 so the kids were mostly in bed. Last year 4 of them came down just a few weeks before Samuel died. I remember my sweet, sweet friend Becky telling me about when she had gotten them all together to tell them about Samuel and what had happened after we knew he was gone. She was one of the first couple people we called. They were all standing outside on what had been our back porch at the seminary when we had lived there. She said they were all just crying, tears dropping on our concrete, just praying and mourning with us. That spoke volumes to me. They were the ones that made the blankets for us last year. All getting together to tie them and pray for us and our kids. We all still sleep with those blankets. For some reason our "Samuel" blanket helps me feel close to him.

Anyways I get to rambling.... It was so nice, they kind of trickled in and trickled out. Some came in as early as last Tuesday night and the last gal left today at 2:00. That was such a good thing. I knew I would be so sad if they had all left at once.

I can't tell you how nice it was to have them here.... it felt like home having them here. We ate lots... laughed a lot, watched a chick flick, went for walks and runs in the neighborhood, went shopping in downtown Coweta, and mostly just hung out and visited. There are only 2 of us left at the Seminary and the rest have been placed in Nebraska, Florida, Massachusetts, and Texas. They brought us a gift of a cross that we can put in Samuel's garden. They all wrote words about our sweet boy. That was given to me right away once they had all arrived. My friend Becky even went as far as to have a card that had a leaf on it... it kind of reminded her of the one that was on our hospital room door when we had Samuel and when Faith had Joel. She remembered that ( that amazes me and just shows how much she is listening to me and absorbing the things that I tell her) and they all remembered my boy... that touched me deeply.

I had lots of opportunity to talk and continue to process things with people who knew me before this all happened and who love our family deeply. They are like family to us.... We so miss being with all of them at the seminary.

I was so blessed by our time... I miss having them all here... There was already talk of another get together next year.

I am so thankful tonight for friends... loving, caring, compassionate, sister's in Christ, friends who understand me, friends who are ok with where I am at, friends who will laugh or cry with you, friends who are really there in your deepest darkest moments (when they can be there then... you know they will be there for anything), friends who have husbands who all have the same job as pastors, friends who are so different in many ways, yet so much the same in others... friends who really love each other. Ahhhh, tonight I am thankful... missing them all again... but so thankful:)

A NEW FRIEND HAS ARRIVED... MORE FRIENDS ON THE HORIZON

WELCOME HOME SOCKS

A COUPLE OF NIGHTS AGO GREG CAME HOME FROM THE BOTTOMS WITH SOCKS, OUR NEW OUTDOOR KITTY. WE HAVE SEEN SOME MICE IN THE GARAGE AND ARE HOPING THIS LITTLE GUY WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM.

THE FIRST OF MY GIRLFRIENDS ARRIVED TONIGHT... THE OTHER 4 WILL TRICKLE IN OVER THE NEXT 2 DAYS. I CAN'T WAIT. GOD HAS PROVED FAITHFUL TO BRING DEAR FRIENDS AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME.

MORE CHILI COOK OFF PICTURES

SNUGGLING WITH MY LITTLE PUMPKIN
OK, ONE THING THAT I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT RYANE AND HER HUSBAND IN THE LAST WEEK IS THIS... THEY ARE ON OLD PEOPLE'S TIME. I SAY THIS WITH TOTAL LOVE IN MY HEART:) SHE CALLED ME ON MY DRIVE HOME. IT WAS BEFORE 9 PM. SHE WANTED TO CHECK IN TO SEE HOW THE DRIVING WAS GOING BEFORE SHE WENT TO BED. OH MY, WE HAD SOME GOOD LAUGHS ABOUT THAT OVER THE WEEKEND...

I LOVE THAT GIRL.

WHAT STARTED OUT WITH ME SORT OF MENTORING HER IN HIGH SCHOOL, HAS BLESSED ME SO GREATLY. SHE HAS BEEN SUCH A HUGE SUPPORT THIS PAST YEAR... WISE BEYOND HER 25 YEARS.

THE KIDS ENJOYING TIME WITH RY RY. SHE IS SUCH A HOOT, VERY FUN LOVING... REALLY, YOU CAN'T HANG OUT WITH RYANE AND NOT HAVE A GOOD TIME.

ANNA IS JUST SMITTEN WITH BLAKE, RYANE'S HUSBAND. IT WAS SO FUNNY TO WATCH, THE POOR GUY COULDN'T GET A BREAK FROM HER. HE WAS VERY GRACIOUS ABOUT IT:)

YOU CAN READ MORE ABOUT THE CHILI COOKOFF IN THE POST BELOW:)

THE COOK OFF IN CAJUN COUNTRY

GREG'S AUNT, COUSIN CAME OVER FROM TEXAS FOR THE COOK OFF.

THAT WAS SO NICE OF THEM, IT WAS GREAT TO SEE THEM, AND CAN I SAY ORGANIZED???? SHE CAME WITH ALL OF OUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS:) AMAZING, I AM PRETTY SURE I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED TO SHOP...YIKES! ANYWAYS, HERE THEY ARE WITH CALEB

EATING CHILI...YUM

THEY SERVE SPICY CHILI THERE IN CAJUN COUNTRY:)

JOJO IN THE JUPITER JUMP
ANNA AND JO IN FRONT OF ALL OF THE KAYAKS PEOPLE COULD TRY OUT ON THE NEIGHBORHOOD POND... THAT WAS REALLY FUN.


SOME OF THE TENTS

THE BAND THAT CAME TO PLAY

The weather couldn't have been more perfect. It was an incredibly short trip for us, but so worth it. The 9 hour drive with the kids went great. On the way down, we only stopped once, I couldn't believe it. After doing the Texas to Wisconsin drive so many times, 9 hours was not bad at all for the kids. I don't want to toot my own horn, but really my kids are great travelers.

Can I just say, I loved Louisiana. Blake and Ryane live in the cutest neighborhood. Ryane did an amazing job organizing it all. It was just a fun day. There were lots of fun things for everyone to do. I think the kids favorite was the kayaks. I got to judge the chilis... now that was hard, I liked them all.

Really, my heart just overflows that Ryane would do all of that in honor of Samuel. She raised over $5000 for Shaohannah's hope in Samuel's name. Can I just tell you how that makes this mama feel? I know my son's life has made a HUGE, forever life changing, impact on our lives... but to know now that it will have made the difference in some one else's life just warms my heart. Shaohannah's Hope will use that money to help orphans be placed in their forever families. As we wait for that ourselves, and know the cost associated with that, we know that will be a blessing to those families. We are just thrilled.

Thank you Ryane and Blake for hosting us and for all you did to put the cook off together... for blessing Shaohannah's Hope with your gift, and for cherishing Samuel's life with us.

We love you guys! We would love an Oklahoma visit anytime:)