Thursday, October 29, 2015

7 years closer to heaven...


Louis and his baby brother...
The beautiful love of a big brother... What a protector he would have been for Samuel... Strong, faithful, big brother... 

Two  of the hardest, most traumatic, and most beautiful days of my life...
The day we found out you were already with your Creator... 10-29-08
And the day we got to hold your precious body in our arms... 10-30-08


One of my favorite pictures... always will be... my first 5 children... 
These beautiful faces and these hard feelings and emotions felt by all of us seared into my memory...
Just look at their eyes... 


The sweetest, most loving big sister ever... Oh the love and pride that was flowing out of her that day... not a hint of fear... just love... Kiss right on his lips... 

I wanted him in my arms... But so did she... So did all of us... 

And so passed the 4 hours and 50 minutes we had him in our arms... As Samuel's body was passed from one loving set of arms to the next... 
A lifetime of kisses given...
A lifetime of love felt...
A lifetime only lived in my womb...
And all of our lives changed forever...


Samuel Mark Hintz
9lb. 2 oz. 
He was perfect, except for the places where his skin was already loosening up... 
Beautiful ruby red lips,  full cheeks,  sweet round face, full head of hair.  God was showing off when He made Samuel... he was so handsome... 


There is nothing like going through the fire to see what your relationships are made of...
Some crumble... some thrive... some surprise you... Some don't surprise you at all... 

But this man... I believe God knew fully how the depth of how this loss would affect me... and He gave me the perfect partner to walk through sorrow and suffering with... 
Ever patient, ever loving, ever present, ever faithful, ever kind, ever prayerful in the darkness of night for my heart, my mind and thoughts, and my physical life... thank you God for giving me a man that didn't rush me... 


Sweet baby lover Caleb... Oh how excited he was to meet his baby brother... A boy who still to this day, holds his emotions in check... 
I will never forget Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... 
We watched the video that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer made for us... 
We were hunkered down on the couch under our Samuel blanket (the one hand tied by 4 families that we were close to at the Seminary, each tie of the blanket tied while praying over our kids and family as a whole... What a beautiful sacrifice of time and love for us... still blows me away:)
Caleb was just quiet, so quiet... All I said was, "It is ok to cry Caleb..." 
And oh the tears that flowed... 

You love big... You hurt big... 
And there is not a thing wrong with that... 6 years ago and even now... 


I know God hand picked the photographer that spent time with us that day... Kaycee Deen Hopper.
She was kind, loving, and captured all the details of Samuel... I had no idea the magnitude of her gift to us that day... How often I would pour over each picture... 
What a gift... Some of the only pictures of our son... 


Besides the totally tactless nurse who peeked her head in my hospital room to tell me, "Your doctor is on his way, there is no cardiac activity in your baby..." 
Ahhhh... wait a minute, not even the care to come to my bedside and make sure I understood fully what those words meant... or a statement of sympathy... Nope... Just the quiet words as she peeked around the door into my room and she was gone...

And there we were left to pick up the pieces...
Actually more like to feel the pieces of our shattered hearts coming undone...

But besides her, my nurses during labor were nothing short of amazing... I know they were sent specifically by God for me... Praying for me when I didn't think I could go on another minute... Calling on the Holy Spirit for comfort... 
They knew what I really needed, more than what I knew...


And so it is when you know you are going to have to hand over one of your greatest gifts in life... 

You breath in deep... smell his scent... You unwrap and lay them bare to take in every inch and try to sear it into your memory forever...
You hold them close cheek to cheek, lips to lips, soft skin to tear streaked skin... 

knowing this is all you have... right now... And once you hand them over...
They are gone... forever... this side of Heaven....


Little toes just like daddy... curved outward... 
Dark hair like Louis and Caleb, round face like Anna, full body like Jojo... 
He was amazing... 
After waiting so long to see him... I was beaming with pride, yet heart broken beyond what I ever thought possible... 


Even now, tears fall... Oh what I would give just to hold his 7 year old little boy body in my arms... Oh to smell his scent again... Oh to hear his voice call out, "mama", oh to see the love his siblings have for him played out in real time,  oh to watch him behave like a rascal just like the rest of the kids,  oh to realize what he would look like at 7, oh to have a heart that doesn't bear the scars of losing a child, Oh to have all of my kids with me...


Could I do it... Wish for it to be any different than it is right now? For all of the reasons above.... Yes...

But realistically, For his sake, Samuel's sake, Could I wish for him to be in this broken world instead of completely healthy and whole in Heaven... Not a chance...

God sees that big picture... right from the start... 

For Us, when we are in the throws of sorrow and suffering... All we see if the deep darkness surrounding us... All we feel is the painfulness of the separation in this life... 

But slowly, the further you step away from that broken broken place, you see the darkness and the light... 
You feel the joy and the pain... all at once sometimes...
You see the broken pieces of your heart being planted by the creator and new green life emerging...

A life that NEVER  would have been possible with out the beautiful precious life of Samuel... but also would NEVER have been possible with out the devastating loss of that same precious boy... 

How do I resolve all of this in my mind, now 7 years later?

I constantly surrender it... to His ALMIGHTY will and plan... 
I recall God's faithfulness through it all because I truly have seen it, felt it and known HIS love and faithfulness in a way I never did before... 
I feel what I need to, when I need to... 
I open my heart to allowing God to continue to use His BEAUTIFUL gift of Samuel in any way He chooses... 
And I thank HIM again and again for every single second I had with our 5th born...
 I cherish the memories... 
 I keep his memory alive for His siblings... 
 I thank God for the lessons I have learned about others, myself, my God, and real love...
 I value Samuel's life, every bit of it only lived in my womb.  

As deeply as I have hurt... I would not for a second change, the gift of carrying Samuel and losing him a day after my due date... Truly... I wouldn't... 
It has taken a lot of time... And even as I remember through tears... I remember with great great joy as well... I am so thankful God chose me to be Samuel's mom... 

Today and tomorrow we will celebrate his beautiful life... We will eat cake, proclaim God's faithfulness to us in the past year, as we decorate the cake, like we do every single year. We will release balloons, we will spend the afternoon remembering and being together as a family... 

Samuel Mark Hintz, you are God's gift to us... You have changed us, given us a new perspective on life.. Your life has grown in us new passions and purpose... 
You are remembered ALWAYS...
 thought of EVERY single day... 
Your life is valued and treasured...
 And you are LOVED SO DEEPLY... 

7 years closer to heaven and seeing you again Sweet boy... 




Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What kindness...



This came in the mail a couple of days ago...

It is titled ...
A mommies love goes with you...

And oh, that is so true... 

I will never forget the moment I handed Samuel over for the last time to Greg, who handed him to the nurse...

She so tenderly put him in the bassinet and wrapped a paper looking cover around him... Put a sticker on the front of it to keep it closed and walked out the door pushing the bassinet in front of her...

And just like that... My son, in the physical sense, was gone from my life forever...

This sweet gift came from a friend who has walked the same journey of stillbirth and infant loss...

She knows...

 She has her own story of saying goodbye to her precious daughter emily before she ever wanted to...

What a beautiful kind gesture to know he isn't forgotten by others outside of our family... Even now almost 7 years later!

This blessed my heart today... It literally ripped my heart out as I can not believe for a second that I have been apart from Samuel for almost 7 years... That pain still cuts deep...

I am more reflective and contemplative for sure as I walk through the motions of these days... I just can't help it... And no matter what, October is hard... The end of the month harder...

But at the same time... It blesses me to look back and treasure my time with him... To feel it all...  To remember... 

I am thankful today for kindness, friends, and that I don't walk this journey here alone...

I have dear sweet friends that walk with me... And most importantly, a savior who is right beside me or carrying me when needed...

 Despite the hurt... 
He is still SO GOOD!






Monday, October 26, 2015

Trunk or treat 2015

And here you have it...
Trunk or treat 2015...

Our kitten, dinosaur, lion...
And YES, that is Jojo as a barn!  

Hilarious... That kid continues to crack me up!  

Between his "barn" costume and Hope's posing... 😂😂😂. This is so just like both of them!

What a gift they each are to my heart!



Fall fest...

We are so blessed to live right on campus where the church is at...
Never thought I would really like living right where Greg works or so close to where all the action happens...

But we love it!  We have a country like setting for the back yard, but yet are 5 minutes from pretty much anything we could need... that is a gift and something I don't take for granted... 

One of the HUGE blessings for us has been for our kids to be involved at the church school.  Hope attends first grade full time...
But Jojo and Anna can just pop over for a class here and there...
They are both doing PE this year and Anna is doing art... They also get to participate in extracurricular activities, like choir or cross country:) It is such a HUGE blessing!

This past week was our annual Fall Fest... 
It was a really fun day... We had lots of mom help in preschool and the older kids loved it too:)  


Jojo with his hot chocolate!


With my 2 favorite tigers!  


This llama was hilarious... And Isaiah was TOTALLY enamored with it!



They had pumpkin decorating, a bouncy house, hay ride, relay races, bowling with pumpkins, a petting zoo, and more...

 It was so much fun!  It was a beautiful day! 

God has given us such an incredible fall... It has been super warm... like beyond nice... 

As much as I love winter and the snow... This gorgeous weather has got me wondering if we are going to get hammered by the cold and snow this year... We will see:)

We are taking one day at a time and cherishing all the blessings God has for us each day!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

They melt me...



While Greg was gone a couple of weeks ago... One of these lil' punkins joined me for the nights...  It didn't talk long till the other munchkin joined Levi and me:):)  


Can you stand the love?


They are the best little buddies and I am so blessed by them... 

How did we get the priveledge of being their parents:)??  So thankful!


Thursday, October 15, 2015

Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015


October 30, 2008

Today October 15th, Infant loss and Remembrance Day, almost 7 years later we remember this beautiful gift from God...
 Samuel Mark Hintz.  

The amount of people we hold dear in our life that have lost babies is at times overwhelming... In today's day and age where we can instantly send messages around the world, you would think we could keep perfectly healthy babies alive in their mother's wombs.  

It is a continual surrendering of my will to the will of the Father and His best plans for our lives.  

Thankfully, He has used it all...
every tear...
every hurtful word...
every lost dream...
every bit of loneliness...
every bit of my aching arms...
every bit of it all... and my heart is so grateful! 

Tonight we remember Samuel Mark Hintz, Baby Joel (the baby we were set to adopt), baby hintz who we miscarried...
Baby Emily, Grady, Owen, Felicity, Emmy, Airrington, Jesse, Brooke, Phoenix, Genesis, Nate, and so so many more...

Tonight we will light a candle at 7pm. in memory of each and every one of their precious, beautiful, treasured, and missed lives...

So thankful for Heaven... 

Monday, October 12, 2015

We have a little news.... REJOICE WITH US:):)



One of my favorite photos pre- ISAIAH:)


2nd set of paperwork finally getting mailed out...


Foster care approval to take on ZERO additional children... (not exactly what we wanted or needed:)

Foster care approval to take on ONE additional child... WAHOO!!!!

Oh the run around to get that accomplished...


All that to say...


 (I know you may need to blow that one up:):)

LOVE MAKES A FAMILY...
and we are ...
Waiting to be matched:)  
We are adopting again... 

Many many prayers for God's guidance...
Hours and hours to complete mountains of paperwork...
Loads  of meetings and home reviews with our social worker...
Loads of interviews and reference letters sent in...
Lots of resources spent joyfully...
Many fingerprints and background checks completed...

And we are praising God that the door is FINALLY open to bringing another child into our home...

Our hearts are ready and waiting... And are filled with REJOICING!!!

We are stepping out in faith and now we wait on God's perfect plans to unfold for our family...

We have more love to give and if there is a child needing that love we are ready to welcome him/her with open arms!!

When we talked with the kids... EVERY SINGLE ONE said, "YES... please let's adopt again!" 

Rejoice with us and we'd love your prayers as we walk down the adoption journey again...

Oh the amazing miracles that have unfolded to bring home HOPE, LEVI, and ISAIAH... 

But I ALWAYS tell people adoption is not for the faint of heart...  

Almost every adoption journey is filled with hurt, pain, and lots of times very rough beginnings.  

We cover your prayers 
* for the Lords protection over the little one or little ones He may bring to our family...

*for the precious mom who is carrying that little one, that she may be drawn somehow to know our Savior through this difficult time and that she would know how loved she is... BY US AND OUR SAVIOR JESUS

*if that child is older that the Lord will have protected him/her in a miraculous way before bringing them to our family

*for patience and full trust in the Lords plans and timing for our family...

*for clear guidance  and leading from God as our profile is shown to many different mamas.

Our family is thrilled!  Join with us rejoicing and in prayer as we wait to be matched with the baby/child that is 

Already so loved...
Already so wanted.. 

And will be...
GOD's answer to many prayers...

THANK YOU FRIENDS!







Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Recovery...



My crazy son and I... model pose day after surgery... Yeah right... So bad!

 Sometimes you have to laugh and keep your sense of humor...



Oh to catch up on sleep and have your mama care for you!  It has felt so good... (I know, funny right?  It felt good to recover from surgery???)  It is true though... 

My family has been so amazing over the last 5 days.  They have stepped up and really taken care of me!  

My mom came into town and literally worked from sun up to sun down... cooking, cleaning, deep cleaning closets and clutter, doing laundry, motivating big kids to help... all on top of taking care of the littlest and ME!  She was amazing!  What a huge blessing, and one I do not take for granted for a second!  She is such a gift to me!  

So I went back to work today... part time preschool teacher, back in business!  

I actually feel great!   My neck is a little stiff, but besides that I feel REALLY good!  I KNOW that I have caught up on sleep (which hasn't happened in FOREVER!) and I have really taken it easy and it feels really good.  

My parathyroid gland was down into my chest, not in my neck like it was supposed to be... so that complicated things a bit and made the surgery last longer.  I was so thankful to be downtown at a hospital with doctors that had more experience with surgeries like this... I am not sure they could have gotten to it at the local hospital.  God was good to go ahead of me and prepare for me to be exactly where I needed to be:)  

Hopefully, that will be the end of my kidney stones (well as least for new ones:)  I will still need to get the ones I already have blasted but this should solve the problem of forming them in the future!  I am thankful for that!

Thankful for good doctors!
Thankful for caring family!
Thankful for a loving mama! 
Thankful for the Great Physician that heals!

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Would love your prayers...

I would love your prayers as I head in for  parathyroid surgery tomorrow morning.

I have a great surgeon that I trust so I am thankful for that.

We aren't sure yet how many glands are affected so it may or may not be out patient surgery, but we are trusting God knows exactly what it will be:)

Our hope and prayer is that this will solve my kidney stone issue and that I will stop forming new ones and that the existing ones that I have won't grow any more.  :) It does look like I will need to go in for some kidney stone blasting sometime this fall as well... and then Lord willing  I will be good to go:)

So prayers for a successful surgery and good recovery would be greatly appreciated:)  The shorter amount of time I need to be away from my favorite 26 preschoolers the better... :)

Thanks so much friends!