7 years closer to heaven...

Louis and his baby brother...
The beautiful love of a big brother... What a protector he would have been for Samuel... Strong, faithful, big brother... 

Two  of the hardest, most traumatic, and most beautiful days of my life...

The day we found out you were already with your Creator... 10-29-08

And the day we got to hold your precious body in our arms... 10-30-08

One of my favorite pictures... always will be... my first 5 children... 

These beautiful faces and these hard feelings and emotions felt by all of us seared into my memory...

Just look at their eyes... 

The sweetest, most loving big sister ever... Oh the love and pride that was flowing out of her that day... not a hint of fear... just love... Kiss right on his lips... 

I wanted him in my arms... But so did she... So did all of us... 

And so passed the 4 hours and 50 minutes we had him in our arms... As Samuel's body was passed from one loving set of arms to the next... 

A lifetime of kisses given...

A lifetime of love felt...

A lifetime only lived in my womb...

And all of our lives changed forever...

Samuel Mark Hintz

9lb. 2 oz. 

He was perfect, except for the places where his skin was already loosening up... 

Beautiful ruby red lips,  full cheeks,  sweet round face, full head of hair.  God was showing off when He made Samuel... he was so handsome... 

There is nothing like going through the fire to see what your relationships are made of...

Some crumble... some thrive... some surprise you... Some don't surprise you at all... 

But this man... I believe God knew fully how the depth of how this loss would affect me... and He gave me the perfect partner to walk through sorrow and suffering with... 

Ever patient, ever loving, ever present, ever faithful, ever kind, ever prayerful in the darkness of night for my heart, my mind and thoughts, and my physical life... thank you God for giving me a man that didn't rush me... 

Sweet baby lover Caleb... Oh how excited he was to meet his baby brother... A boy who still to this day, holds his emotions in check... 

I will never forget Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... 

We watched the video that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer made for us... 

We were hunkered down on the couch under our Samuel blanket (the one hand tied by 4 families that we were close to at the Seminary, each tie of the blanket tied while praying over our kids and family as a whole... What a beautiful sacrifice of time and love for us... still blows me away:)

Caleb was just quiet, so quiet... All I said was, "It is ok to cry Caleb..." 

And oh the tears that flowed... 

You love big... You hurt big... 

And there is not a thing wrong with that... 6 years ago and even now... 

I know God hand picked the photographer that spent time with us that day... Kaycee Deen Hopper.
She was kind, loving, and captured all the details of Samuel... I had no idea the magnitude of her gift to us that day... How often I would pour over each picture... 

What a gift... Some of the only pictures of our son... 

Besides the totally tactless nurse who peeked her head in my hospital room to tell me, "Your doctor is on his way, there is no cardiac activity in your baby..." 

Ahhhh... wait a minute, not even the care to come to my bedside and make sure I understood fully what those words meant... or a statement of sympathy... Nope... Just the quiet words as she peeked around the door into my room and she was gone...

And there we were left to pick up the pieces...

Actually more like to feel the pieces of our shattered hearts coming undone...

But besides her, my nurses during labor were nothing short of amazing... I know they were sent specifically by God for me... Praying for me when I didn't think I could go on another minute... Calling on the Holy Spirit for comfort... 

They knew what I really needed, more than what I knew...

And so it is when you know you are going to have to hand over one of your greatest gifts in life... 

You breath in deep... smell his scent... You unwrap and lay them bare to take in every inch and try to sear it into your memory forever...

You hold them close cheek to cheek, lips to lips, soft skin to tear streaked skin... 

knowing this is all you have... right now... And once you hand them over...

They are gone... forever... this side of Heaven....

Little toes just like daddy... curved outward... 

Dark hair like Louis and Caleb, round face like Anna, full body like Jojo... 

He was amazing... 

After waiting so long to see him... I was beaming with pride, yet heart broken beyond what I ever thought possible... 

Even now, tears fall... Oh what I would give just to hold his 7 year old little boy body in my arms... Oh to smell his scent again... Oh to hear his voice call out, "mama", oh to see the love his siblings have for him played out in real time,  oh to watch him behave like a rascal just like the rest of the kids,  oh to realize what he would look like at 7, oh to have a heart that doesn't bear the scars of losing a child, Oh to have all of my kids with me...

Could I do it... Wish for it to be any different than it is right now? For all of the reasons above.... Yes...

But realistically, For his sake, Samuel's sake, Could I wish for him to be in this broken world instead of completely healthy and whole in Heaven... Not a chance...

God sees that big picture... right from the start... 

For Us, when we are in the throws of sorrow and suffering... All we see if the deep darkness surrounding us... All we feel is the painfulness of the separation in this life... 

But slowly, the further you step away from that broken broken place, you see the darkness and the light... 

You feel the joy and the pain... all at once sometimes...

You see the broken pieces of your heart being planted by the creator and new green life emerging...

A life that NEVER  would have been possible with out the beautiful precious life of Samuel... but also would NEVER have been possible with out the devastating loss of that same precious boy... 

How do I resolve all of this in my mind, now 7 years later?

I constantly surrender it... to His ALMIGHTY will and plan... 

I recall God's faithfulness through it all because I truly have seen it, felt it and known HIS love and faithfulness in a way I never did before... 

I feel what I need to, when I need to... 

I open my heart to allowing God to continue to use His BEAUTIFUL gift of Samuel in any way He chooses... 

And I thank HIM again and again for every single second I had with our 5th born...

 I cherish the memories... 

 I keep his memory alive for His siblings... 

 I thank God for the lessons I have learned about others, myself, my God, and real love...

 I value Samuel's life, every bit of it only lived in my womb.  

As deeply as I have hurt... I would not for a second change, the gift of carrying Samuel and losing him a day after my due date... Truly... I wouldn't... 

It has taken a lot of time... And even as I remember through tears... I remember with great great joy as well... I am so thankful God chose me to be Samuel's mom... 

Today and tomorrow we will celebrate his beautiful life... We will eat cake, proclaim God's faithfulness to us in the past year, as we decorate the cake, like we do every single year. We will release balloons, we will spend the afternoon remembering and being together as a family... 

Samuel Mark Hintz, you are God's gift to us... You have changed us, given us a new perspective on life.. Your life has grown in us new passions and purpose... 

You are remembered ALWAYS...

 thought of EVERY single day... 

Your life is valued and treasured...

 And you are LOVED SO DEEPLY... 

7 years closer to heaven and seeing you again Sweet boy... 

Why Heaven will be my eternal bora bora...

I've had a lot of time to think this summer...

In MANY ways my life (as well as some of yours) may  not be what you would have anticipated it being... and then again there are many ways it is more than I dreamed it could possibly be...

I never would have dreamed my life would include...

Losing a child...
Moving so many times...
Moving my children so many times...
Being married to a pastor...
Spending so much time away from my husband or my husband away from me...
Running an infant loss support group...

It can be easy to become discontent... or disappointed at times...

In our crazy social media driven society today, especially with facebook, instagram, and twitter blasting every one's "perfect and happy life" right in your face, it is easy to compare your life to others and become disappointed... discontent... and even disconnected...

Did you know that there have actually been studies that have confirmed that there is an association between Facebook use and depressive symptoms. (Not depression in the debilitating clinical sense, but a milder manifestation)  An article reported in TIME magazine showed the results of a scientific study where scientists studied 600 people who logged time on the social network and discovered that one felt worse after visiting the site- especially if they viewed vacation photos.   

On those days where you are still in your Jammie's at noon, when the kids are arguing,  where there have been tubs of juice spilled, multiple pairs of underwear to clean up (yay for potty training), you feel like you haven't had a shower or adult conversation in days... it can be easy to feel that maybe the grass could possibly be greener...

Or maybe it is one of those days where you missed a deadline at work, you had to waste hours of time in city traffic, you possibly lost a job, or you realized that friend you thought was a true friend, really maybe isn't... 

It is easy to long for something more... something better... maybe what some one else has or has done... dreaming for that to become your reality too...

(In all honesty,What they portray probably isn't completely their reality anyways... )

Whenever I feel that bitter little bugger of discontentment, rearing it's ugly head...
I think of Heaven...

(That is one thing that Samuel's life has given me... an eternal perspective... I am so so very grateful for that beautiful blessing amidst the pain of losing him... He has me longing for Heaven in a way that I had never experienced before)

Truly, I do... I think of Heaven... and  no matter what it is that maybe I feel I am missing out on... I focus on Heaven...

This world is like the tiniest of beginnings... while it feels like life might move slowly some days... This life is just the tiniest of dots, the start of the entire line of eternity... going on and on... FOREVER...

ALL THE THINGS WE LONG FOR OR WISH WERE DIFFERENT IN OUR LIVES... THEY PALE SO GROSSLY IN LIGHT OF ETERNITY...

That  beautiful trip to Tahiti...
Really I will have eternity in somewhere FAR MORE beautiful than Tahiti... Forever there...  It will be like waking up every single day in a place that is so much more beautiful and perfect than the best tropical paradise vacation  I can even imagine:)

That perfect body... Thank you Jesus, that we will be given new bodies in Heaven... perfect bodies... FOREVER... (on a personal note...for me, there will be...  no more kidney stones, pink eye, etc....:)  Yay!!!

That perfect marriage... (Who really has that anyways... two sinners married to one another... Ha!)
We will have that perfect Heavenly marriage... Christ married to the church... His followers... FOREVER... for all eternity...

The perfect chore helpers...(While I am sooooooo very thankful for all 7 of my kids, and so thankful for all of our possessions... With 9 of us... no matter what... we create a decent sized mess.) And sometimes the exhaustion sets in... But in Heaven, I hardly think the tedious job of  changing out seasonal clothing for the kids will be happening... nor the loads and loads of laundry... It will be a permanent vacation from the jobs that sadly take me away from my kids at times.  Can you imagine just worshipping Jesus and sitting at His feet... that being your only real job:):)

That perfect family relationship... Heaven... worshiping our Savior for all eternity... I have a feeling relationships in the sense that we have them now, will be a thing of the past...

That perfect HOME and manicured yard... I can not wait to see the mansion the Lord is preparing for me... Maybe Samuel will be the first one to show me around... CAN NOT WAIT!  That mansion is going to blow doors on any wonderful home or kitchen I could ever dream up here on earth!

That heart that is no longer hurting... He says in His word that He will wipe every tear from our eyes... Tears... no longer a thing to even worry about in Heaven... Can you imagine all the physical, emotional pain, and turmoil we feel in this life... NEVER AGAIN... Wow... just WOW!

Please hear me loud and clear... If your life contains great trips to Bora Bora every year... a beautiful 10,000 sq. ft. home... A near perfect marriage... I am not saying that is a bad thing... I am not saying anyone should not experience such wonderful things here on earth...    Truly I am happy for you...

What a special gift and blessing God has blessed with you with in this life.


 I am only saying for me... in this life...

There are many days that focusing on Heaven gives me just the perspective I need to put my heart back where it NEEDS to be...

I am only speaking from my heart...

I know that anything my heart may potentially be longing for here on earth... That Heaven is going to just blow it all out of the water...  times 100!  Have a blessed day friends!

BEHOLD HE COMES...

Wow, were we blessed with an amazing sunset last night...

Levi was fussing during and Anna went out on the back porch to give him a change of scenery and she came back in and said, "You all need to come out here!!"

One of the kids brought up the song "Days of Elijah" where it quotes the scripture...

BEHOLD HE COMES, RIDING ON THE CLOUDS..

What a glorious day that will be! 

We were discussing how so many times the clouds and the sun shining through remind us of Heaven and of course makes us think of Samuel. 

We had a funeral at church on Monday and they did a balloon release afterwards... As I was gazing up and watching the clouds float higher and higher one of my friends just look at me with caring and knowing eyes... " You do a balloon release for Samuel each year, don't you?" 

I love how God gives you those moments with those friends who know you well enough to just KNOW... I can not tell you how much such a small comment like that means to me... Mentioning my son's name... showing that you still care about him and us... Honestly, these days I get more choked up when someone shows that they still remember our son and our missing him... I don't know why it strikes me in such a profound way...

Thanking God for the amazing small and HUGE WAYS that God shows us His glory each day... And for how He sends those beautiful nuggets of love or care from one of His children to touch our hearts when we need it....