MORE WISCONSIN HANGING TIME

AT NATURE'S VILLA TAKING THE GOLF CART BACK FROM THE LAKE

JOJO ENJOYING THE BUBBLER...YEP, THAT IS WHAT WE CALL THESE
THINGS IN WISCONSIN.


AT THE PARK FOR A PICNIC WITH FRIENDS THEN HEADING TO THE POOL:)

What a busy, but great week. Wednesday I headed to Whitefish Bay to see Amy, a sweet, sweet, friend of mine from High School. We don't stay in touch nearly as often as I would like to. We have moved so many times, it is so hard to stay in touch with everyone, I wish I was better at that. Amy is one friend who as soon as she heard the news about Samuel was on the phone to me. She left me a couple messages on my cell, I could hear the distress and concern in her voice. We finally connected a couple of weeks later, I was able to tell her the whole story. She right away offered to come down. I knew that even though I hadn't seen her in a couple of years... she would have been there in a heartbeat. She is a tried and true friend.

We had such a wonderful lunch together. We left all the kids at home, and were free from distractions. It was beautiful. I have missed her so much, it was just such a delight to talk, and share my heart. She is one who has a natural gift of empathy, and for validating how one is feeling. We had some wonderful discussions about all sorts of stuff. I dropped her off back at home and just drove home with a peace in my heart... it was so nice

The next morning I went for a run with my brother, after the run, we were able to talk about my healing. He prayed with me... Then later in the day he called just to tell me, "Take all the time you need." Do you know what it is like to actually hear those works from someones mouth? I have had tears come to my eyes a few times since just knowing that he is ok, with where I am at, and is ok with the journey I am on, no matter how short or long it may take me. I had a great talk with my parents right after that. There are so many things that just need communicating. I was able to tell them what I really need from them. It is so hard being so far away and not being able to communicate in person very often. My mom told me, she often doesn't bring up Samuel or the situation with Joel, for fear that she will make me sad... I had to tell her, she wouldn't make me sad, I already am. This is really the first time our family has gone through something like this... it is new territory. I was so thankful that they were willing to listen to me and hear what I need, not what they might think that I need.

Thursday we met up with my friend Rebecca, (I think I have known her for as long as I can remember) and Samantha, my college roommate. We met at the park for a picnic and then off to the waterpark. The kids had a ball, and the moms were able to plunk down and just relax and visit. Such a treat. The whole week was filled with visiting with old friends. I can not tell you how good that was for me. There is just something about being with people who know your heart and have known it for a long time. Because they know me, there is just a peace about sharing your heart and knowing you won't be looked at funny, or be expected to be anything other than who you are.

During the week, we also had a pretty lake pot luck at my mom and dad's house with all of our old neighbors and friends. We also headed out to another friends lake to swim and catch lunch. We hit downtown Oconomowoc for a movie on main street. They literally shut down main street and about 4-5,000 people plunked their chairs down and we watched the Wizard of Oz on a HUGE blow up screen. Oconomowoc has such small town charm.

What a NICE week. It was just what we all needed. We are so thankful that God blessed us with safety and a chance for a nice get away from normal life.

CHANGES

HOW I HAVE CHANGED SINCE THE DAY THIS SWEET BOY WAS BORN... isn't he beautiful?

*I used to be very organized... now you would be afraid to see the bags of paper work that I need to get to...

*I used to return calls... much more quickly... sorry if I haven't gotten back to you yet...

*I used to be a night owl who could get by on little sleep... now the exhaustion has set in... I can sleep 9 hours now and still be yawning ...(maybe it is the fact that 9 hours of fitful rest and bad dreams just doesn't always cut it.)

*I used to love any and all babies... now it is just too difficult to get too close...

*I used to have a good memory and was pretty on top of things... now I think I am functioning with about 1/2 of my brain working. (The other day I literally pulled into a parking lot, put the van in park and got out... Greg had to call me back in to turn the car off...Scary... I can't remember what I am going to say mid sentence... so if I am telling you something for the 3rd time... please be patient I can tell all the synapses aren't firing up there...

*I used to love Orange Juice... not any more... that is what I was told to drink to try to get Samuel moving when I didn't feel him that October morning...

*I used to love to get out, not excessively, but now I am much more of a home body...

*I used to LOVE writing letters and thank you notes... now I find it VERY hard to get motivated (Sorry Heather I am still meaning to write back to you after you sent that wonderful letter a few weeks back... it touched my heart...)

*I haven't been able to sit on my new blue couch since that day in October when I was sitting there doing Science with the kids and the panic started to set in...

There are so many things that have changed about me since October 29th when I knew that my son was already with his Savior before he had a chance to breathe a breath of air on this earth. I do miss the carefree person that I was. I am praying that the Lord will restore me in His time. I mention these things not to give excuses for myself but to help others understand that a loss doesn't just affect the emotions of a person. There is so much more that is affected. And there is no set time table for grief... people grieve in different ways and for different amounts of time. If you know someone who is grieving, don't rush them... be patient and accept where they are at.

But praise God there are some ways that I am the same. I still trust God and God alone for my future...it is so out of my control. I am still putting my HOPE in Him. I am still so grateful for the precious gift of all 5 of my children and my dear husband.

There are some good changes that have come to me because of losing Samuel. I have never relied more on the Lord from one moment to the next of each day. I am constantly crying out for Him to comfort, rescue, give me strength to put one foot in front of the other day by day. Sounds sad that I am still at that point almost 5 months later, but it is the case some days. Greg and I communicate so much better than we did, our relationship is totally different because of sweet Samuel. The trivial things that used to seem so important in life, just don't anymore. I am majoring on the majors:) I have had friends stick by me that have been so faithful to call across the miles of many states to check on me, these friends know that if they pick up the phone and just hear whimpering or crying it is probably me, honestly I know coping would have been so difficult with out them these last months. I am so blessed by them and I cherish those friendships so much more than I did before.

And even amidst all of the changes that have taken place in me these last months, I am so thankful that God doesn't change. I will be the first to admit, I am not real happy with certain things that have happened. I know God could have intervened last October and for some reason He didn't. That can be hard to accept at times. But He is still the Sovereign One, the same yesterday, today and forever. I know I can't rely on my feelings. I know I need to rely on HIM and all of the truths I know about Him from His word.