Why MEND exists...

This is a text I received yesterday morning... Our monthly MEND infant loss support group meeting was the night before and I wasn't able to lead due to still being in Arizona.  I am so grateful for the ladies that assist me and help these hurting families along side of me... It means so very much to me... I have a passion for MEND because it was a lifeline to me after Samuel died...not all of these ladies experienced MEND for themselves after their own losses but have so graciously allowed God to use the deepest pain of thier hearts to minister to others...here is the text... It was from a gal who delivered her still born son a week ago and was at MEND for the first time...

 I didn't share this with you last evening but as ------- was leaving she thanked me and said how good this was for her to come. She asked if she could hug me. Her parting words were "I don't like the club but I have really enjoyed the people. Thanks for letting me see past a few weeks, to a few years and more"..... I think that sums up what or who we are, what we hope to offer. Thought you would enjoy this.

Oh yes, can I relate to that... I remember my first MEND meeting 3 weeks after the still birth of Samuel at 40 full weeks.  I remember feeling like I would never survive this and there they were... ladies 6 months out,  1 year out,  4 years out from their loss. There they were still remembering that precious child, yet very much alive and even thriving after a devastating loss.  It gave me HOPE!! 

This is a gift to me... To know that God doesn't waste our pain... He uses it ALL  when we let him... Thank you Jesus for using and bringing something beautiful from the broken places of our lives...

MEND tree at the zoo lights...

MEND was blessed this year to have a tree at the Brookfield Zoo Lights Display...

There were almost 500 trees that lined the mall at the zoo and were decorated by different groups or businesses.

We all took to the zoo amidst the first snow fall of the year.
We had one gal who worked very hard to get decorations and make ornaments remembering every MEND Chicagoland baby...

My heart was so touched and the tree turned out beautiful!

Some of the precious ladies that come to our MEND meetings each month...

We even had an envelope with extra MEND angel ornaments for others to add their baby to the MEND tree if they wanted to remember their baby with us, as well as information on our monthly meetings.

Samuel's ornament...

What a special day it was... Beautiful snow falling... friends with a unique bond that few fully understand... 

It was another great way for us to get the message of MEND out to some people who may not know that MEND even exists...

But most importantly it is another way for us to remember the beautiful and precious children that God has blessed us with, that are no longer here with us... 

No longer here...

But NEVER EVER forgotten... 

Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015

October 30, 2008

Today October 15th, Infant loss and Remembrance Day, almost 7 years later we remember this beautiful gift from God...

 Samuel Mark Hintz.  

The amount of people we hold dear in our life that have lost babies is at times overwhelming... In today's day and age where we can instantly send messages around the world, you would think we could keep perfectly healthy babies alive in their mother's wombs.  

It is a continual surrendering of my will to the will of the Father and His best plans for our lives.  

Thankfully, He has used it all...

every tear...

every hurtful word...

every lost dream...

every bit of loneliness...

every bit of my aching arms...

every bit of it all... and my heart is so grateful! 

Tonight we remember Samuel Mark Hintz, Baby Joel (the baby we were set to adopt), baby hintz who we miscarried...

Baby Emily, Grady, Owen, Felicity, Emmy, Airrington, Jesse, Brooke, Phoenix, Genesis, Nate, and so so many more...

Tonight we will light a candle at 7pm. in memory of each and every one of their precious, beautiful, treasured, and missed lives...

So thankful for Heaven... 

Sharing MEND in Chicagoland:)

I am super blessed to have a friend that is willing to help promote MEND in our area...

Thank you Jen for helping us share MEND with others in the Chicagoland area...

We are always trying to get the word out that MEND is here and available to anyone in our area who is hurting from the loss of their baby...

Here is our most recent promo for MEND... Kind of funny, the whole mom of the month thing...
I know anyone who knows us knows the messes of our life, the messes of our house... and the JOY that abounds even in the new mess that every new day brings into our family... We are so happy, thankful, joy filled... but our days are always full of challenges too...

We (MEND Chicagoland) meets tomorrow... This is Mother's Day week... always bittersweet when you are a mom to a baby already in Heaven... If you know of anyone who needs support in walking the journey of the loss of a baby please let them know about MEND... We don't want anyone to grieve alone...

There is hope for healing... and having support along the way is a blessing to a hurting heart...

Much love friends...

Christmas isn't always easy or joyfilled... when your heart is hurting...

My heart has an ache in it and is heavy...

Heavy for all the new families that have joined our MEND group in the last 2 months...

Heavy for all of those that are struggling because the holidays and Christmas are hard when  piece of your heart is in Heaven...

Heavy for a precious 10 grader from our old church school who lost her mom in 3rd grade and whose dad is critically ill in the hospital and not expected to live... from what I have been told...
(Could you imagine being 15 and potentially with out parents???  My heart just absolutely breaks for her... she didn't have any siblings either... ) I see kids like this all the time in uganda... but not here... I am so very sad for her...

Would you please pray for Emily... that if God sees fit for her dad's life to be spared that it would be... for strength for her and comfort for her heart... for people to raise up and surround her fully in your love... That if he does pass that God has the perfect family for her to be a part of...  She really could use the prayers of God's people.

I remember that first Christmas after Samuel died, and the truth be told... I kind of was hoping Christmas could just slip right passed us... That of course didn't happen...

 It was hard as a different mom, dad and newborn baby played Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus in the church program... ( We were assigned those roles before Samuel was born)

It was hard trying to shop for the other kids, listen to Christmas music,  or cook a Christmas meal when really that all seemed so insignificant in the big picture of grief and sorrow.

If you have someone that you know that has had a loss recently or if you know anyone that is hurting this Christmas, please reach out lovingly  and tenderly to them ... please approach the throne of grace lifting them up to the Father...

MEND Chicagoland opens its doors...

About a week ago I mentioned a God appointment that my Dallas MEND friends and I experienced while exploring Chicago... 

Today I just want to mention a bit about MEND Chicagoland's first meeting... 

Today I spoke with a grandma that had attended last weeks meeting...

Her daughter is just weeks out from losing a baby at full term...

At MEND we always end our meetings by mentioning anything positive that may have come from the life of the baby/babies that we lost...

Sometimes it may take months before someone might be able to sincerely feel something positive... we always let mom's know that is totally normal... 

While I love giving support, care and compassion to grieving mamas... I too love this part of the meeting... 

I have ALWAYS said, "Lord, do not waste this pain that I am feeling!"  And it is a gift to me to hear anything positive that might come out of someone else's loss as well... God is so very faithful to bring those good things to light in time...

This morning I was given one of those little gifts of how last weeks meeting already made a difference in someone's life... Even through the loss of her little baby boy God is giving focus and new direction to this young mom's life who attended last week... I am grateful that God will use MEND here in Chicago...

Last week we were blessed to have 14 people present for our first meeting... Not a big crowd, but nice for sharing... I am so thankful that MEND is in the Lord's hands and that He can use and speak words of comfort and care to these hurting mamas through us:)  

The view from the sky deck at Willis tower... We had the weirdest rain and fog just over parts of the city that day...

The bean at Millenium park... really cool!

Up in the Willis tower on the ledge... 103 floors is HIGH when there is only a 1 1/2 inch piece of glass between you and the concrete 103 stories below... It is quite a beautiful view though:)

The Dallas MEND ladies and I at Millenium Park... 

A God appointment...

Yesterday I was blessed to spend the day exploring Chicago with the ladies from the Dallas chapter of MEND.

(Seeing as how we have only lived here 1 year and only have made it downtown on 1 occasion, I was a terrible hostess... I have no idea how to use the train system, where anything is located or even what are the best ways to get around... We figured it out, but I felt bad that I could offer no direction whatsoever... :) I think the deep dish pizza we all had at midnight made it all better:)

Truly, we had a great time...

Unfortunately, the founder of MEND Rebekah ended up not feeling well which had delayed our start to getting into the city... We were so glad that later in the day she was up to giving exploring Chicago a try...

We hit Portillos for some famous Chicago Style hot dogs...
We hit Navy Pier for a ride on the Ferris wheel...
We hit the sky deck at the Willis tower (yes that is the ledge that cracked just a few weeks back... and yes... it is TOTALLY freaky standing on a clear ledge 103 stories up in the air:)

We were on our way to Millennium park to see the bean when we decided to stop in at Fannie May for the Dallas girls to buy some Chicago chocolate...

As we were checking out, the checker, a sweet young gal, I would guess no older than 20, waited on us...  She commented on the purple sweatshirts some of the girls were wearing, and asked if they were breast cancer sweatshirts.

One of the girls explained that no, we were actually a part of a support group called MEND that was for women who had lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death... We told her about the group that we just started here in the Chicagoland area this week...

She sort of had a blank look on her face and asked, "Why would you do that??"  It was sort of an odd question that seemed to have more meaning behind it... And of course one of us shared that we had all indeed lost babies either to stillbirth or hours after birth.

Our director asked... "Do you know anyone who might have lost a baby?"

"I might..." was her reply and then she sort of quickly disappeared...

Immediately our director thought it was her that had lost a child...
We scrambled to find a business card with some MEND info on it... but ended up not having any, and found a Fannie May card to write our website, my email and number on it.

When she came back she had to wipe away tears... I just reached out and asked if she was ok... and another of our gals quickly gave her a hug...

She indeed had lost her twins just last year...
What a God appointment... to meet this precious young girl... We visited for a few minutes assuring her that the feelings that she was having were indeed normal and ok to have.  We invited her to group and to sign up for the newsletter. My heart just ached for her... it just felt as if this was one of the first times she had felt free to talk about them.

She has been heavy on my heart.

My prayer is that she somehow will reach out to MEND... even if she can not ever make it out to group... that she would feel the Love that God really has for her, that she would know the support that comes from sharing the burden she feels, and that she would know that she doesn't have to walk this journey alone...

I am so thankful that the Lord placed this precious young lady right in our path yesterday... What a sweet God appointment...

RETURN TO ZERO

Hello friends...
This Saturday, the new movie Return to Zero premieres on the Lifetime channel.  This is a movie that I have known was in the making for the last 2 years.  It focuses on the true story of a couple that experiences the stillbirth of their first child.  I have known from day 1 that this was a hugely important film to the community of parents whom have lost a child.

I have not seen the whole movie... nor do I know all of the details of the storyline or the producer's viewpoint on Heaven... But what I do know from watching the trailer,and from everything that I have heard,  is that it seems to realistically depict the grief and sorrow of this couple as they walk the unbearable journey of the loss of their infant child.

My prayer is that this movie will help to break the silence that surrounds infant loss, that it will help families heal, and that it will open up the lines of communication and the eyes of those who support family or friends when they have received the devastating news that their baby has died while still in the womb.  

If you can, please take the time to watch this important movie this coming Saturday, May 17th.

Here is the official synopsis from the Return to Zero website... 

RETURN TO ZERO is based on the true story of a successful couple, Maggie (MINNIEDRIVER) and Aaron (PAUL ADELSTEIN) who are preparing for the arrival of their first child. Just weeks before their due date they are devastated to discover that their baby son has died in the womb and will be stillborn.

Maggie and Aaron attempt to go on with their lives but cannot escape their postpartum grief. Their lives and relationship have been forever altered by this loss. And no one seems to understand the hell they are going through. Aaron’s dad, Robert (ALFRED MOLINA), encourages his son to bury himself in work, while Maggie’s Mom, Kathleen (KATHY BAKER), always says the wrong thing.

Maggie and Aaron try to cope in a myriad of ways — through denial, escape, and alcohol — but when Maggie ultimately discovers that Aaron is having an affair with Dana (SARAH JONES), a co-worker, she decides to end the marriage.

Just when Maggie believes she has started a new life, she discovers that she is pregnant by Aaron (from a last ditch ‘save the marriage’ getaway to Vegas.) With the help of Claire (CONNIE NIELSEN), an empathetic doctor who experienced a similar loss years ago, Maggie finally grieves for the loss of her son. Then she and Aaron must reunite to face a turbulent and terrifying pregnancy.

“RETURN TO ZERO premieres in the US & CANADA on SATURDAY, MAY 17th at 8pm/7pm Central on LIFETIME! Please check your local listings as times may vary depending on your cable or satellite provider.”

Post by Return To Zero.

June can't come soon enough...

I have a friend...

Just 2 days ago she messaged me about a friend of hers whose baby girl was found to no longer have a heart beat at 37 weeks pregnant...

This was the 3rd such message I have gotten from this same friend in the past 10 months...

All of these 3 young women live pretty close to me...

I have been blessed to get together with 2 of these precious young women in the past few months... There is for me an undeniable automatic bond I feel to someone whom I know has experienced the same  heart wrenching loss of a child.

My heart absolutely breaks for this young couple whose sweet baby girl is already safely in Heaven...

Don't get me wrong... I am the wife of a pastor... I know FULLY the HOPE we have in HEAVEN... and my heart fully rejoices now in the reunion I will one day have with Samuel, baby Joel we were to adopt, and baby Taylor (the baby we miscarried in February 2010)

But in all honesty, when Samuel died even Heaven seemed TOO far away... what if I lived to be 70... or 80?  That meant that I wouldn't be with my baby, that I so desperately wanted right then, for at least 33 years... That thought was unbearable...

So even though I don't know this young mama... my heart hurts with her... my heart grieves with hers... She is not far from  my mind... She has been in my prayers so often over the last few days...

For this reason... June can not come soon enough... Of course I am happy to offer any help or support right  now at any time... but I can not wait to have MEND Chicagoland up and running where women like these young ladies can know that they do not have journey through this loss alone...

We will be there to support them, listen to them, remember their babies with them, care for them, pray for them... cry with them... As much as I hate that there is another family that will walk the hard journey of life with out one of their child here with them...

I am so thankful that there will soon be a place here where they can go where people really do get it... they get it because they too have experienced the same... walking forward each and everyday missing their babies... walking forward in HOPE of eternity... walking forward with the support of other moms and dads who truly understand...

I appreciate any prayers for getting MEND going here... All of our brochures and sympathy cards are being printed and soon we start the push to promote MEND here in the Chicagoland area in Hospitals, church, funeral homes, and Doctor's offices... Thanks so much friends...

Lessons learned from a 4 year old...

Grief is a funny thing...

More like grief is a brutal, mind blowing, life altering, new normal starting, awful, beautiful, funny thing...

I think doing the prep work for starting my MEND infant loss support group here in the Chicagoland area in a few months has me reflecting more often...  knowing I will soon be working even so much more closely with new friends in fresh grief... Trust me... losing a child is something you never forget or get over...  but as of late I can't help but reflect more on the whole process of grieving someone you love so much...

When I look back over the last 5 1/2 years I am in awe and so confused at the same time...

I am in awe of the goodness and faithfulness of our God to carry me and our family through the deepest despair and sorrow I ever thought possible and to lovingly carry us to the other side with a joy I never thought possible...

I am confused too by the "crazy" things people say to you when you are grieving...

I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious... Back to that in a minute...


Just a few examples of some of the things that people say... some of these said to me within days of my loss...

You should be so thankful for the 4 kids you have at home...
You can always have more...
He must have had something wrong with him...
He is in a better place...

The last one I will share with you today... the friend, who said this said she was upset with me for "not expecting her to get it". and I truly believe she meant this... Her words..."I do get it, I look at his picture every once in a while and I cry."   Really??  Unless a person has walked through 40 weeks and 1 day of a baby growing and wiggling inside of them, only to deliver them lifeless, discolored and still into their arms... I don't think they can really "GET IT"  Nor does looking at his picture and crying every once in a while qualify as getting it... It is totally ok that they don't understand it... How could I ever expect them to if they haven't ever, praise God for that, experienced it for themselves... 

The funny thing is.... while those responses HURT big time at the moment... I can for myself write them down with a much more understanding heart now...  knowing where I have come from... I am not in any way invalidating someone's hurt feelings when insensitive comments are said.  In a time of fresh loss and for much time after, some things said can seem to add to your pain... But now I know most people said them meaning for good... not intending to hurt me... I think they wanted to help, didn't  know what to say, or maybe didn't even think before they spoke... Truth be told, I am sure I have said things that didn't help or were maybe inappropriate in others times of loss.  (I give those examples not to point any fingers at all... my heart has forgiven the hurt...)

( I think I will write a post soon articulating how those words can hurt... what a freshly grieving person is really thinking when those words are said... and what might be a better thing to say:)

Again, I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious...

This is my nephew little Luther.  He was the baby that came into our family just a few months after Samuel died... 

Isn't he a cutie pie??

Being a person who has dealt with "sub fertility" my whole life... He came to my brother and his lovely wife Lyndsey, (who I like to say, gets pregnant when they look at each other... I mean that joyfully now:) and is the 4th of their 6 kids now 9 and under)

Here is where my lacking grace came in...
While I am a firm believer in being gentle to yourself after a loss... not putting yourself in "extra tough" situations, doing really whatever it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other on those hard days... I KNOW that I didn't always tackle things in the best manner... No where close...

Looking back I can honestly say that the 4-8 month time period after Samuel died was the hardest for me... Luther was born around 4 months after Samuel died...

Luther had a stroke in uetero right at the end of the pregnancy... and had some early issues with some seizures that were closely monitored in the NICU... There were many many people praying for this little guy... (who just happened to walk up to me with the CUTEST CHOCOLATE PUDDING MUSTACHE EVER!!!) And praise God he recovered really well and is doing great... I think it was one of those wait and see kind of deals to reevaluate progress as he has grown older.

The very sad thing... in my grief... combined with some words spoken that I just couldn't shake...when he was born and arrived with concern, while I was concerned and praying for him,  all I could think was "He is alive... they need to be so thankful He is alive"  And I even had the nerve to write those words to my brother in an email...

Ugh... it makes me sick thinking about it... How could my eyes have been so focused on myself?? I know personal perspective is something, but, I said one of the dumbest things... in one of their most trying times... very similar to the silly things people said to me... OUCH!  It is embarrassing to admit...

My grief journey has been full of apologies for ways that I made people uncomfortable... I think most people with babies didn't know how to react to me... so they avoided me... then I felt really awkward... built a wall and started to avoid them... kind of a vicious cycle... Like I said... I have made many apologies for behavior like that... Most were received REALLY well.... most tried to understand... other apologies were not so well received... :(

Thank God for this sweet little bundle of love, Luther... 

Thank God for Luther's understanding parents to not hold a grudge against me when I said stupid things and for being patient with me and the time I needed to spend time together like we always had before I lost Samuel...

 Thank God for His healing touch to literally bring my heart to a beautiful place of fully enjoying this little guy. I love Luther so much... Big lump in my throat over how much I do love him and would have loved seeing Samuel and him raising a ruckus together:):)

I admit, there were many times I would snuggle him up this past weekend and just sort of ponder what it would feel like to have Samuel in my arms... He would be so very big, almost ready for Kindergarten... It boggles my mind:)

So as I move forward... I pray that the Lord would fill me up... fill me up with...

• The grace to be more forgiving... (really who I am to be stingy with forgiveness after how many times the Lord has lavished His grace on me)
• The grace to stop, slow down and pray for the right words to say to someone when they are hurting...
• The grace to expect less from others and more from myself... With the lord's help...
• The grace to look at the heart intent of people, not just at what I think or feel that they might be saying...
• The grace to pour into others and not expect A THING in return for myself...
• the grace to extend that hand of gracious love, kindness, and peace to others... even when my heart is stinging...   

That is truly where the rubber meets the road... It is easy to forgive and be gracious when someone is mostly kind to you... but oh, so much harder when they seem to be oblivious to your hurt or are even insensitive at times.  Only through His strength in our lives is that possible...

I am so very thankful that God saw fit to bring little Luther into our family...

I am in awe of how God can use something that brought such hurt in those early days of grief to teach me so much and to bring an extra special dose of healing to my heart!

family time... me time...

Can you believe these two precious sweeties... Honestly... I can not tell you how often I look at them, all my kids for that matter, and am overwhelmed by the goodness of God... It is like staring His faithfulness right in the eye.   I know I say it again and again... but it is the truth... Having wondered if we would ever have kids... and I look at them all and how they came to us and am amazed at all God can do:)  He is so faithful... would still be faithful had we never gotten these children... but I am so thankful that HE saw fit to give us each and every one of these special kids:)

Today we were blessed to have the opportunity to worship at our old church in Texas... What a gift to us.  We absolutely love our new church home and are so thankful to be a part of the ministry team there:)  But it was such a treat to go back to the church Greg and I were at when we were first married.  We were fresh out of college and there were many times people mistook me for a students:) We saw all sorts of faculty we had worked with... students... parents of students... previous pastors... and friends...  It had me feeling so nostalgic... It was such a precious time in our lives when we were worshipping there... fun to be back in our old stomping grounds:)  The worship amazing... prayer time so special and such a delight to hug so many old friends:)  

About my MEND conference... It is hard to describe the weekend.  First off I actually had a room/bathroom to myself.  I had moments of total quiet and it was a treat:)  I made many new friends who went above and beyond to make me feel comfortable and to help me in any way to get MEND Chicagoland rolling.  I learned so much...and got so many great ideas...

But I think most of all... Simply put, the conference got me so excited to begin the MEND Chicagoland chapter.  So many great reminders of why it will so worth it to bring MEND here.  Starting up will probably be the hardest... but I am so thrilled with the opportunity to reach out to families who are grieving the loss of their precious babies.  It was a very encouraging time for me and even hearing the other chapter directors and their assistants stories was such a good reminder that we don't walk this journey alone.   I don't necessarily feel equipped... but I know that the Lord equips those HE calls.  

Again the Lord reaffirmed in my heart the beauty of loving support during a loss.  A friend and I randomly started talked about the baby that she miscarried 30 years ago.  Yes... mommies who lose babies still miss their baby,  years and years later...You carry that baby, whether they lived for a year, 2 months, for 2 weeks,  so close to your heart  forever.                                                                                                                                                                           

Now off to bed... the rest of the work can wait for morning:)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

A new MEND chapter starting near you...

I am so very excited to share with you all that I was approved to start a new chapter of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) in the Chicagoland area.

I have always felt a stirring in my heart that if we ever moved that the Lord might open up the doors for me to start a new MEND infant loss support group wherever He might place us...

After we moved... each time I got a new MEND newsletter I could feel God working on me.  I knew that certainly He was leading me to take the next step and actually get one up and running here. 

I am super excited to head to Dallas this next week for our annual leadership conference.  I have lots of loose ends to tie up with Uganda... like loads of Thank yous... and then I know I will have more time to truly focus on getting MEND rolling here.  I am hoping that we can start meeting later in the Spring or in early summer. 

If you are in the Chicagoland area and want to be a part of our new infant loss support group through either helping or just attending, email me at hintzmom27@yahoo.com  and I can give you more information:) 

I am so thankful that the Lord has opened up this door for me.  After grieving the loss of Samuel in a brand new city... He burdened me for people who have suffered a loss and don't necessarily have a great support system in place.  Even if you have excellent support, unless someone has lived through the loss of a baby, most people truly just don't understand all that goes into grieving, recovering from and healing from a loss like that.  (I just met with a new mom yesterday, who lost her baby girl 6 weeks prior... my heart hurts for her deeply today... that fresh grief is SO HARD, and it only reconfirmed in my heart the blessing MEND is to hurting moms.)

While I NEVER wished to be a part of this baby loss community, I know first hand that MEND Tulsa was a lifeline for me in my first year after Samuel's death.  Truly, I am not sure I would have survived it with out MEND, and of course my faith... but having those other women who understood my pain, in the flesh to walk along side of me was a HUGE blessing. 

I am so looking forward to coming along side of hurting families in the Chicagoland area and offering them  support and Hope during their times of loss and sorrow.  Let me know if any of you have any questions... I love sharing about MEND, their mission, and how we can help those who have suffered the loss of a baby...

A first goodbye...

 

This past Tuesday I went to my last MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatel Death) meeting here in Oklahoma.  I tried not to even think about the fact that this could potentially be my last MEND meeting ever.... I didn't do a very good job of not thinking about that. 

 

We had 2 new gals this month, one losing a baby to stillbirth and the other lost her baby girl at 4 days old.  It was so sad... It NEVER gets any less sad.  To see those girls in the depths of a fresh loss... breaks my heart.  It NEVER  gets any easier... especially after you have been there and you know full well, that most likely it is going to get much harder before it gets any easier. 

 

At the end of the meeting our director gave us each a rose for Mother's Day.  (They won't meet again until after Mother's Day)  For some of those girls it may be the only recognition they receive for being a mom since the child they lost is their only child to date. 

 

I held it together pretty well, until the very end.  They were thanking me for helping these last 3 1/2 years... but honesty, I was already breaking down, but knew there was no reason they should have been thanking me, but rather, me thanking them.  And then I LOST IT!   Totally!

 

Obviously, the Lord walked this journey right along side of us but with out MEND I am not sure how I would have survived that first year after Samuel died. 

Living in a new city when we lost him didn't help matters. 

 I have NEVER been more lonely in my life. 

 My heart was shattered (at times I thought unrepairable) but at MEND I never felt alone and my new normal actually felt normal. 

I was encouraged by seeing gals further in their grief journey actually surviving the loss of their child...

It gave me hope for the future. 

 

 

These women NEVER made me feel judged in my grief,

never pushed me to be somewhere else in the process than where I was,

made sure I knew I wasn't alone,

fully supported me,

said the hard things to me when I needed to hear that,

literally walked through the valley of the shadow of death with me (instead of turning the other way and running)  And they did it willingly... and with such tenderness and compassion.  Even with saying all of that... those words don't even come close to describing what they have meant to me.  It was hard saying goodbye...OUCH!! 

 

What an amazing organization! I have been so blessed by their ministry.  We will see if the Lord ever opens the doors to start a group where we will be moving to.  God knows and we will rest in that:) But I know that I often still cry out for the Lord to never allow me to waste the pain I felt after Samuel died. I want him to conitnue to use that pain for His glory and  something beautiful.

 

 

NEVER ONCE...

This song touched my heart deeply today...

I got an email from one of the MOST precious people in my life needing prayer today... my heart was burdened and heavy for her... She is one of the people that I would call after Samuel died and express my "crazy" thoughts to... She NEVER ONCE judged me... just loved me and walked right along side of me during the darkest of times... I felt so alone at times... but she was ALWAYS there... 

As I was driving home from my MEND (Mommy's enduring Neonatal Death) support group that I help lead, I had this song playing...

These women are some of the strongest I know... Some of what they have gone through is unimaginable to most... But there is a fellowship among these women that I can hardly describe... We had 2 new gals tonight... one of which held her 26 week old precious son 2 weeks ago as he slipped from this earth to eternity... Hard Hard things to shoulder and carry through this life...

I was so encouraged by this song... 

simple basic words... 

simple basic truths...

That no matter what trial or hardship you are going through...

even if the Lord seems quiet or even silent at times... 

even when you think there is NO WAY that you can take another step on your own...

YOU NEVER WALK ALONE...

THE LORD IS FAITHFUL TO NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE...

HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH THE FIRE TO THE OTHER SIDE WHERE IT IS EVEN POSSIBLE TO CRY OUT WITH JOY IN YOUR HEART... 

"GOD YOU ARE SO FAITHFUL!!"

If you are hurting today, be encouraged by this video... He will never leave you or forsake you... The heavier the burden gets, PRESS FURTHER INTO HIM... 

The Lord can shoulder the heaviest of BURDENS...

If you need someone to talk to or have any special prayer requests please leave them in the comments or email me at hintzmom27@yahoo.com

Don't forget to pause the music down on the sidebar on the right so you can hear the video...

 

She is almost 1/2 my age:)

Meet my sweet friend Katie...
She is almost 1/2 my age...

We share a bond most friends would never want to share... our children are sharing Heaven with the God of the Universe...(Sharing Heaven with the God of the Universe is AWESOME!  We only wish we could have had more time with our babies before they got to meet their Savior... that is the hard part as mommies!)

I will never forget getting a phone call last August while I was on the road to meet a friend in Kansas... This couple from our church had a college age daughter, this young daughter's best friend was in labor with a baby girl, Emily, that would be born still... She was only 21 years old...

My heart was immediately broken for her...
How would she handle this at 21??? How did I handle it at 37?  She was about to meet her baby girl face to face for the first time... but nothing about it would be as she planned...  It would be a beautiful but gut wrenching and traumatic time....

They gave me her phone number and I called her the night before Emily's funeral service... She was expecting my call... When I told her who I was, through tears, her first words were, "How do you do this?"  We cried together and a friendship started to form...

I met Katie face to face at the funeral for Emily the next day...


God has been so sweet to allow my friend Katie and I to get to know one another.  (Isn't she precious??) Although, I wish we would have met under different circumstances.  I am so thankful that the Lord gives us people to walk this journey with us... especially people who understand it first hand.

 She only lives about 5 minutes away... so tonight we went for a run/visit:)  Even though, I could almost be her mom... my time with her is so special to me.  We share the most intimate of heart wounds... the death of a child... and no matter what age you are, when you are a mom with one of your children in Heaven... there are things you deal with or think on a daily basis that not many would get... So to be able to share those thoughts and feelings with someone and not have them judge you or think you might have just lost your mind is a gift.

She is beautiful, inside and out... funny... honest...she doesn't mince words... so open and supportive of me, our family and our life! I love her!  My whole family does! 

WHAT IS NEW...

 SWEET LEVI IS 7 MONTHS OLD...

 SOME OF THE KIDS SNUGGLING IN MOM AND DAD'S BED:)

ANNA, HOPE AND JO PLAYING UNDER THE KNEELER...

PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE DUST ON THE KNEELER SHELF... OH MY!

MY SISTER IN LAW PICKED THIS OLD CHURCH KNEELER UP SOMEWHERE YEARS AGO. I USED TO USE IT...BUT HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF THE HANG OF ACTUALLY PRAYING AT IT... I WANT TO PICK THAT UP AGAIN...

I came home from the doctors office stentless today... PRAISE GOD!!  They said that the one kidney looked clear and that the stent could come out.  Within an hour I passed 2 fairly large stones that I am assuming were stuck above the stent and were too big to come out with it in... I am sooooo glad to have that thing out.  I do have some stones in the other kidney that he wasn't sure would be able to pass on their own with out getting stuck... so it looks like I will probably have the lithrotripsy done one more time in the next couple of weeks I am hoping.  They won't need to put a stent back in so I am so happy about that. When I saw the stent, that was no lie about 10 inches long, I thought, it was no wonder I have been uncomfortable for the last 5 weeks.

I am so excited to be starting a women's study at church on Sunday mornings. It is one I did a few years back at our church in Wisconsin... Just getting into the homework for it has been amazing!!!  It is called Wisdom for Mothers. It is sooooo good and God is so faithful to bring it back into my life at just the right time.

We had a balloon release tonight at our MEND meeting.  Gosh, it was a precious time.  I love those ladies so much and it was such a blessing to me.  I think that I may share some different loss/grief types of things over the next week or so as we get ready for Samuel's birthday.  My new friend Katie and I have some plans for a way to commemorate her baby.  I will try to get her permission to post a picture maybe at some point.  It is crazy, she is almost 1/2 my age, but I so enjoy the time that we can share together.  We laughed that her mom would think that the 40 year old Pastor's wife that she is hanging out with is a bad influence:)  Can you guess what she might be planning on doing?

The youth group from church is heading to Joplin again to help in the clean up... The youth director invited our whole family... so off we will go on Friday.  I am not sure how long the little ones and I will stay... maybe a day or two.  I am really looking forward to helping in some way, even if it is just cooking or sorting things at the church...

Although as of today... ( I wrote all of the above last night) the littles, myself and Caleb will have to be postponing Joplin for at least another day... Caleb has some sort of stomach bug... We are praying that none of the rest of us get it.  I had to sort of laugh, within minutes of his first episode of throwing up....Louis was giving out our immune builder tincture, emergence drink and vitamins to the rest of us... Praying it works! 

A WALK TO REMEMBER....

A WALK TO REMEMBER OUR BABIES....

This weekend we took the whole family down to Dallas to participate in their Walk to Remember Ceremony.  We had to go as a part in our training to take over our Tulsa chapter of MEND...

Needless to say, it was an emotional day...HARD!

The boys and I worked really hard with the Dallas team on all the preparations and Greg held down the fort at the hotel with the little ones.... he did amazingly well:)

It was such a special day... we had over 1,000 people attend the walk to honor the lives of their babies.

As we started the walk to go to where the ceremony would be held, Greg and I  looked ahead of us and behind us at how many people were there remembering the lives of their babies.   He right away said, "This will certainly show you that you are not a lone!"  Sometimes you feel so alone in the loss of a baby or child and yesterday I didn't feel that way at all!

Everyone who attends gets to release a balloon for their baby... blue for boy, pink for girl, and white for a miscarriage... Once we started to release the balloons it was absolutely breathtaking...

 They also give you an ornament for each loss and when the call the names of your babies you get to take your ornaments up and hang them on the MEND tree... special!

I am so thankful for MEND, an organization that works so hard to help validate the life of your baby, no matter how short.... 

MORE ABOUT THE WALK TO REMEMBER...

THE ORNAMENTS THAT WE RECEIVED IN REMEMBRANCE OF SAMUEL AND OUR MISCARRIAGE, TO HANG ON THE REMEMBRANCE TREE.

HERE IS MY SWEET PRECIOUS JOJO... WHEN WE WERE WALKING OUT FROM THE CHURCH TO WHERE THE CEREMONY WOULD BE HELD, I SAID TO HIM, "JOJO THIS A TIME THAT WE CAN REMEMBER BABY SAMUEL AND THINK ABOUT HIM." HE THEN SAID BACK TO ME, "BUT MAMA I THINK ABOUT SAMUEL ALL THE TIME.:)"

I AM CONSTANTLY STRUCK BY HIS INNOCENT FAITH; SO HONEST AND SWEET IS OUR JOJO:)



THIS IS OUR MEND TULSA CHAPTER DIRECTOR MICHELE (IN THE MIDDLE) AND MARCIE AS THEY READ THE NAMES OF ALL THE BABIES WE WERE REMEMBERING YESTERDAY.




OUR WALK TO THE CEREMONY


SOME REMEMBRANCE ITEMS THAT SOMEONE BROUGHT IN TO SHARE...





Tulsa's first Walk to Remember ceremony was beautiful. God blessed us with beautiful weather. The boys and I worked really hard helping to set up the night before and the morning of... but when it came time for the ceremony I could totally feel my focus change, and I felt just like a participant... my focus was on my babies, the ones already with Jesus...



The whole ceremony was so touching and emotional for me. I am not sure anyone can fully understand how I describe what it meant to me, unless you maybe have experienced the loss of a child yourself... but I will try to explain.




To see all of my MEND friends and to know the stories of their babies lives in detail, and to be able to remember their babies with them touched my heart deeply. To know the great support I have felt from them, the full acceptance of my grief, their encouragement over the past 2 years that I would make it through the sorrow and despair I have felt at times made the ceremony take on a whole new meaning for me. To be able to spend this time focusing on my sweet Samuel and the other baby the Lord blessed us with for such a short time early in 2010 is something I needed to do.




I have to quickly explain about baby Joel... because Joel was a baby that we were going to adopt but that was stillborn at 28 weeks, I didn't know if we should mention him in our losses. I am torn... If that precious boy would have been ours we would have mentioned him. With adoption you never know if the birthmom will change her mind or some other family member would come forward... there are a lot of what ifs... And for some reason I didn't feel a right to claim him so to speak... Does that make sense?



This is where the confusion comes in for me. We absolutely love Joel's birthmom and her family. But I really doubt that they do anything to remember his life. I only say that because I think for them, they really wanted to move forward with this young girls life, and not really focus or remember the situation. When Joel was born, they wanted us to go to the funeral home, make all the arrangements for the service and burial, and gave us all the remembrance items from the hospital.




I really feel like every single life that God creates, whether for 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 years or 50 years deserves to have its place in a family. They deserve for their life to have value to someone and to be honored and remembered. So we may have to include Joel next year for our family. I will have to talk to Greg about it.




Back to the ceremony... there was something about being pregnant that made the ceremony a blessing too... this baby will be Samuel's little brother. This baby will in no way EVER be a replacement for Samuel. But he will hear all about his precious big brother whose very short life blessed us so greatly.




There were many tears shed, by me of course, and by some of the kids. It felt good:) It felt good to share the hope that we have for eternity in heaven with our Savior and our babies. It felt good to publicly remember our Hintz babies.




I remember that I prayed for months, probably for well over a year that the Lord would allow me to some day be able to look back on Samuel's life with joy in my heart. I can honestly say that now I can... not always, but some days I truly can say I do feel joy when I think of him... I can see how God is using Samuel's story to encourage others... the pain is still there, brutally painful at times still, but I know my heart is being healed and put back together by a very gracious God, who has held me through it all!

THE WALK TO REMEMBER AND SOME OF THE FACES OF LOSS...

LOUIS WAS ASKED TO READ HIS POEM, A BROTHER'S LOVE" AS A PART OF THE CEREMONY. HE DID A GREAT JOB... THIS MAMA HAD A HARD TIME... MY FRIEND LISA AND HER FAMILY HANGING THEIR ORNAMENT ON THE TREE IN REMEMBRANCE OF THEIR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER BROOKE.

THE BALLOON RELEASE...

INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY

TODAY IS NATIONAL INFANT LOSS REMEMBRANCE DAY.

TODAY WE REMEMBER OUR PRECIOUS SAMUEL WHO WE MISS SO MUCH AND THINK ABOUT SO OFTEN...

WE TOO THINK ABOUT THE SWEET LITTLE BABY WHO WE MISCARRIED LAST FEBRUARY.

IT IS NICE TO THINK OF THEM IN HEAVEN TOGETHER WITH BABY JOEL, THE BABY WE WERE GOING TO ADOPT.

WE HAVE A SUPER BUSY DAY AS WE HEAD OUT TO GET TOGETHER WITH HOPE'S BIRTH MOM IN 40 MINUTES AND THEN COME BACK TO GET READY FOR MENDS FIRST WALK TO REMEMBER TOMORROW.

I CAN'T HELP BUT BE THINKING OF AND PRAYING FOR ALL MY PRECIOUS FRIENDS THAT I HAVE MET THROUGH BLOGS OR MEND, THAT ARE WALKING THE SAME ROAD OF GRIEF AND HAVE SUPPORTED ME IN WAYS I HAVE TRULY NEEDED. I AM PRAYING FOR YOU LADIES, AND REMEMBERING YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES TODAY AS WELL.

WE WILL BE LIGHTING A CANDLE AT 7 PM TONIGHT IN MEMORY OF OUR SWEET BABIES WHO PRAISE GOD, ARE PERFECTLY WHOLE IN HEAVEN....