MEND tree at the zoo lights...

MEND was blessed this year to have a tree at the Brookfield Zoo Lights Display...

There were almost 500 trees that lined the mall at the zoo and were decorated by different groups or businesses.

We all took to the zoo amidst the first snow fall of the year.
We had one gal who worked very hard to get decorations and make ornaments remembering every MEND Chicagoland baby...

My heart was so touched and the tree turned out beautiful!

Some of the precious ladies that come to our MEND meetings each month...

We even had an envelope with extra MEND angel ornaments for others to add their baby to the MEND tree if they wanted to remember their baby with us, as well as information on our monthly meetings.

Samuel's ornament...

What a special day it was... Beautiful snow falling... friends with a unique bond that few fully understand... 

It was another great way for us to get the message of MEND out to some people who may not know that MEND even exists...

But most importantly it is another way for us to remember the beautiful and precious children that God has blessed us with, that are no longer here with us... 

No longer here...

But NEVER EVER forgotten... 

7 years closer to heaven...

Louis and his baby brother...
The beautiful love of a big brother... What a protector he would have been for Samuel... Strong, faithful, big brother... 

Two  of the hardest, most traumatic, and most beautiful days of my life...

The day we found out you were already with your Creator... 10-29-08

And the day we got to hold your precious body in our arms... 10-30-08

One of my favorite pictures... always will be... my first 5 children... 

These beautiful faces and these hard feelings and emotions felt by all of us seared into my memory...

Just look at their eyes... 

The sweetest, most loving big sister ever... Oh the love and pride that was flowing out of her that day... not a hint of fear... just love... Kiss right on his lips... 

I wanted him in my arms... But so did she... So did all of us... 

And so passed the 4 hours and 50 minutes we had him in our arms... As Samuel's body was passed from one loving set of arms to the next... 

A lifetime of kisses given...

A lifetime of love felt...

A lifetime only lived in my womb...

And all of our lives changed forever...

Samuel Mark Hintz

9lb. 2 oz. 

He was perfect, except for the places where his skin was already loosening up... 

Beautiful ruby red lips,  full cheeks,  sweet round face, full head of hair.  God was showing off when He made Samuel... he was so handsome... 

There is nothing like going through the fire to see what your relationships are made of...

Some crumble... some thrive... some surprise you... Some don't surprise you at all... 

But this man... I believe God knew fully how the depth of how this loss would affect me... and He gave me the perfect partner to walk through sorrow and suffering with... 

Ever patient, ever loving, ever present, ever faithful, ever kind, ever prayerful in the darkness of night for my heart, my mind and thoughts, and my physical life... thank you God for giving me a man that didn't rush me... 

Sweet baby lover Caleb... Oh how excited he was to meet his baby brother... A boy who still to this day, holds his emotions in check... 

I will never forget Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... 

We watched the video that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer made for us... 

We were hunkered down on the couch under our Samuel blanket (the one hand tied by 4 families that we were close to at the Seminary, each tie of the blanket tied while praying over our kids and family as a whole... What a beautiful sacrifice of time and love for us... still blows me away:)

Caleb was just quiet, so quiet... All I said was, "It is ok to cry Caleb..." 

And oh the tears that flowed... 

You love big... You hurt big... 

And there is not a thing wrong with that... 6 years ago and even now... 

I know God hand picked the photographer that spent time with us that day... Kaycee Deen Hopper.
She was kind, loving, and captured all the details of Samuel... I had no idea the magnitude of her gift to us that day... How often I would pour over each picture... 

What a gift... Some of the only pictures of our son... 

Besides the totally tactless nurse who peeked her head in my hospital room to tell me, "Your doctor is on his way, there is no cardiac activity in your baby..." 

Ahhhh... wait a minute, not even the care to come to my bedside and make sure I understood fully what those words meant... or a statement of sympathy... Nope... Just the quiet words as she peeked around the door into my room and she was gone...

And there we were left to pick up the pieces...

Actually more like to feel the pieces of our shattered hearts coming undone...

But besides her, my nurses during labor were nothing short of amazing... I know they were sent specifically by God for me... Praying for me when I didn't think I could go on another minute... Calling on the Holy Spirit for comfort... 

They knew what I really needed, more than what I knew...

And so it is when you know you are going to have to hand over one of your greatest gifts in life... 

You breath in deep... smell his scent... You unwrap and lay them bare to take in every inch and try to sear it into your memory forever...

You hold them close cheek to cheek, lips to lips, soft skin to tear streaked skin... 

knowing this is all you have... right now... And once you hand them over...

They are gone... forever... this side of Heaven....

Little toes just like daddy... curved outward... 

Dark hair like Louis and Caleb, round face like Anna, full body like Jojo... 

He was amazing... 

After waiting so long to see him... I was beaming with pride, yet heart broken beyond what I ever thought possible... 

Even now, tears fall... Oh what I would give just to hold his 7 year old little boy body in my arms... Oh to smell his scent again... Oh to hear his voice call out, "mama", oh to see the love his siblings have for him played out in real time,  oh to watch him behave like a rascal just like the rest of the kids,  oh to realize what he would look like at 7, oh to have a heart that doesn't bear the scars of losing a child, Oh to have all of my kids with me...

Could I do it... Wish for it to be any different than it is right now? For all of the reasons above.... Yes...

But realistically, For his sake, Samuel's sake, Could I wish for him to be in this broken world instead of completely healthy and whole in Heaven... Not a chance...

God sees that big picture... right from the start... 

For Us, when we are in the throws of sorrow and suffering... All we see if the deep darkness surrounding us... All we feel is the painfulness of the separation in this life... 

But slowly, the further you step away from that broken broken place, you see the darkness and the light... 

You feel the joy and the pain... all at once sometimes...

You see the broken pieces of your heart being planted by the creator and new green life emerging...

A life that NEVER  would have been possible with out the beautiful precious life of Samuel... but also would NEVER have been possible with out the devastating loss of that same precious boy... 

How do I resolve all of this in my mind, now 7 years later?

I constantly surrender it... to His ALMIGHTY will and plan... 

I recall God's faithfulness through it all because I truly have seen it, felt it and known HIS love and faithfulness in a way I never did before... 

I feel what I need to, when I need to... 

I open my heart to allowing God to continue to use His BEAUTIFUL gift of Samuel in any way He chooses... 

And I thank HIM again and again for every single second I had with our 5th born...

 I cherish the memories... 

 I keep his memory alive for His siblings... 

 I thank God for the lessons I have learned about others, myself, my God, and real love...

 I value Samuel's life, every bit of it only lived in my womb.  

As deeply as I have hurt... I would not for a second change, the gift of carrying Samuel and losing him a day after my due date... Truly... I wouldn't... 

It has taken a lot of time... And even as I remember through tears... I remember with great great joy as well... I am so thankful God chose me to be Samuel's mom... 

Today and tomorrow we will celebrate his beautiful life... We will eat cake, proclaim God's faithfulness to us in the past year, as we decorate the cake, like we do every single year. We will release balloons, we will spend the afternoon remembering and being together as a family... 

Samuel Mark Hintz, you are God's gift to us... You have changed us, given us a new perspective on life.. Your life has grown in us new passions and purpose... 

You are remembered ALWAYS...

 thought of EVERY single day... 

Your life is valued and treasured...

 And you are LOVED SO DEEPLY... 

7 years closer to heaven and seeing you again Sweet boy... 

Infant Loss Remembrance Day 2015

October 30, 2008

Today October 15th, Infant loss and Remembrance Day, almost 7 years later we remember this beautiful gift from God...

 Samuel Mark Hintz.  

The amount of people we hold dear in our life that have lost babies is at times overwhelming... In today's day and age where we can instantly send messages around the world, you would think we could keep perfectly healthy babies alive in their mother's wombs.  

It is a continual surrendering of my will to the will of the Father and His best plans for our lives.  

Thankfully, He has used it all...

every tear...

every hurtful word...

every lost dream...

every bit of loneliness...

every bit of my aching arms...

every bit of it all... and my heart is so grateful! 

Tonight we remember Samuel Mark Hintz, Baby Joel (the baby we were set to adopt), baby hintz who we miscarried...

Baby Emily, Grady, Owen, Felicity, Emmy, Airrington, Jesse, Brooke, Phoenix, Genesis, Nate, and so so many more...

Tonight we will light a candle at 7pm. in memory of each and every one of their precious, beautiful, treasured, and missed lives...

So thankful for Heaven... 

RETURN TO ZERO

Hello friends...
This Saturday, the new movie Return to Zero premieres on the Lifetime channel.  This is a movie that I have known was in the making for the last 2 years.  It focuses on the true story of a couple that experiences the stillbirth of their first child.  I have known from day 1 that this was a hugely important film to the community of parents whom have lost a child.

I have not seen the whole movie... nor do I know all of the details of the storyline or the producer's viewpoint on Heaven... But what I do know from watching the trailer,and from everything that I have heard,  is that it seems to realistically depict the grief and sorrow of this couple as they walk the unbearable journey of the loss of their infant child.

My prayer is that this movie will help to break the silence that surrounds infant loss, that it will help families heal, and that it will open up the lines of communication and the eyes of those who support family or friends when they have received the devastating news that their baby has died while still in the womb.  

If you can, please take the time to watch this important movie this coming Saturday, May 17th.

Here is the official synopsis from the Return to Zero website... 

RETURN TO ZERO is based on the true story of a successful couple, Maggie (MINNIEDRIVER) and Aaron (PAUL ADELSTEIN) who are preparing for the arrival of their first child. Just weeks before their due date they are devastated to discover that their baby son has died in the womb and will be stillborn.

Maggie and Aaron attempt to go on with their lives but cannot escape their postpartum grief. Their lives and relationship have been forever altered by this loss. And no one seems to understand the hell they are going through. Aaron’s dad, Robert (ALFRED MOLINA), encourages his son to bury himself in work, while Maggie’s Mom, Kathleen (KATHY BAKER), always says the wrong thing.

Maggie and Aaron try to cope in a myriad of ways — through denial, escape, and alcohol — but when Maggie ultimately discovers that Aaron is having an affair with Dana (SARAH JONES), a co-worker, she decides to end the marriage.

Just when Maggie believes she has started a new life, she discovers that she is pregnant by Aaron (from a last ditch ‘save the marriage’ getaway to Vegas.) With the help of Claire (CONNIE NIELSEN), an empathetic doctor who experienced a similar loss years ago, Maggie finally grieves for the loss of her son. Then she and Aaron must reunite to face a turbulent and terrifying pregnancy.

“RETURN TO ZERO premieres in the US & CANADA on SATURDAY, MAY 17th at 8pm/7pm Central on LIFETIME! Please check your local listings as times may vary depending on your cable or satellite provider.”

Post by Return To Zero.