He is his son... He is my son...

Last week would have been this little boys 35th birthday...

That little boy is actually this little boys (below) biological father... Isn't the resemblance amazing?

The stories I have heard of Levi's biological daddy are wonderful and so very special to us... ( I am so very thankful to have a relationship with his bio mom and grandma and other extended family!)

Thinking about Levi's Ryan's biological dad Ryan evokes a crazy amount of different emotions...

Awe over the type of personality he had and how he lived, given that he had the terrible disease Cystic Fibrosis...

Wonder as I hear story of his selflessness... (He turned down his first wish with the "Make a Wish" Foundation because his whole basketball team couldn't come with him to practice with the Chicago Bulls... He didn't want anyone to feel bad, so he ended up with his second wish, being a park ranger for a day...)

Joy as I heard of how he and his wife felt welcoming his twins into the world, Levi's full biological siblings...

A sweetness in my soul when I watch Levi and know that some of his character traits come from him...

And at the same time a feeling of overwhelming longing... longing to TRULY know him... see him... get an even clearer picture of who this man was, who makes up half of who my son is...

And a sadness when I try to resolve in my mind all it took in getting our son to us...

If this sweet man had not passed away, Levi would have been his and his wife's son... That would have been the plan all along had his life not ended at the young age of 27... Knowing and Living with grief and loss, my heart literally ached last week on Ryan's birthday... I know how much he is missed... I know how much it still hurts even years later... I know the longing for heaven...

I can't help but go there... and think of the hurt and pain his young wife went through when she was widowed so young with 2 small children.. and to think of the hurt and pain that his parents and siblings went through when they had to say goodbye... Not a moment of that is lost on me... 

  

This sweet little boy would never have been ours if Ryan had lived a full life... It is hard to resolve it all in my mind... Ryan had to die for Levi to become ours... And literally my heart hurts at the thought... 

Yet... EVERY SINGLE TIME I look at this beautiful boy I know with out a doubt that...

God created him for us... 

God breathed life into what was frozen for 5 years, for us...

God allowed that sweet tiny embryo to take hold and make a warm home inside of me for 9 mos, for us... 

God sustained his precious life while I was on bed rest in the hospital for 7 weeks, for us...

God brought forth this boy that healed so much hurt that was inside of me and our family, for us...

God knew exactly what we needed and he gave us Levi Ryan... 

God took the very best of his biological parents and wove them together to make the most amazing, sweet, joyful, funny, little man, FOR US... 

I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand why Ryan had to die... why Samuel our son had to die... I don't think it is really God's plan for me to understand this side of Heaven... But what I do know...

Is that God has taken the hurt of 2 families and brought forth the life of the most amazing little boy who will turn 5 in less than a week...

God creatively has knit our families together in the most beautiful way and my heart is FOREVER thankful for the gift of being this sweet little boy's mama... 

I will never forget a conversation I had with a dear friend weeks before we did the frozen embryo transfer with Levi... She had walked through a lot with us and loved us.  She was SO concerned for me and the fact that the odds weren't in our favor for the embryo to take... We had already suffered the loss of 3 babies during pregnancy... 

I remember just looking at her with total peace in my heart and saying, "I know there is no guarantee, but I have a peace about it... and for us, IT IS TOTALLY WORTH THE RISK!" 

Levi is worth every second of worry, fear, uncertainty, joy, thankfulness, elation, and overwhelming awe in the gracious plans of our amazing faithful God! 

(Ryan at the cubs game where he threw out the first pitch:)

( I have to laugh because we aren't a big baseball family, but Levi is a cubs lover... His biological dad loved the cubs!)

And this all just makes our family bigger... I can't wait to meet this amazing man in Heaven one day... I often can't help but think of the fact that he is a daddy up in heaven with his kids down here... and we have a little boy and 2 other babies in heaven with their parents down here... Maybe they have all met:) 

Levi is his son... He is my son... He is our son... Really He is God's son... And with it all my heart falls deeper in love with a Savior who makes this all possible... 

Astounding to me really!  This story will never get old... 

As we prepare for holy week and the death and resurrection of our Savior I am continually reminded that we believe in a God who really has made this all possible...

He  redeems what was lost and hurting, breathes life back into what was once frozen, and resurrects what was dead... 

What a gift for all of us!

Easter week... Holy Week...

I know this is a bit overdue... but at the pace we are running these days... I am thankful to get a chance to document anything... time is just zipping by...  We have jumped back into school after a 16 hour soccer tournament weekend... Super fun... but a bit exhausting:) 

We were so blessed with a beautiful Holy Week leading up to Easter... 

This was the altar on Good Friday at the Family service we had... It was pretty amazing and I am so thankful to be at church that is willing to think outside the box a little to make services even more meaningful to the members... 

Christ's death on the cross means everything to us... and obviously we don't need anything other than that to make Good Friday special... 

But I know the kids will remember laying down their chains at the foot of the cross and the sacrifice Christ gave to carry all our sins and burdens to the cross...

Hopie and Levi outside of church...


We were so blessed to be able to see some of Levi's biological family on Saturday... (I still am blown away and so thankful that God moved us closer to all of them by moving us to Illinois... what an added bonus:)

Yay!!!!  We FINALLY have made resurrection rolls... Thanks to our special company...

Every single year I say we will make them and then between all of the extra services with all the kids, it hasn't happened till this year... Super easy and super delicious....

We won't miss making them from  now on:)

Anna is totally smitten with this little one... It was pretty precious to watch!

Easter at Grandma and Grandpa's after the egg hunt with a bunch of cousins... It was a bit chilly but so much fun!

There was a lot of cousins running back and forth between the houses, the goats and trampoline...

Because Easter Sunday Greg is a bit busy, the kids and I had a wonderful Easter Breakfast up at church, went to the service... (loved hearing the beautiful Easter hymns:)  and then we hit the road for Grandma's... So it took till Monday for them to get a chance to find their own baskets:)  

Isaiah... not to thrilled with his peep horn... We couldn't help ourselves!:)

God is so good

our sweet levi before church today.... getting ready for a hair cut:) 

The after shot!! Sweet little man!

( Please excuse all the typos... still posting off my phone... still no internet here yet:)

It has been crazy busy here.  We are still unpacking... but God has been so good and faithful!  We are so grateful!

This morning, father's day, I gave 3 of the  

 boys hair cuts, got all the littles showered and off to church.  We are really loving living right here on campus in the parsonage.  We literally left 7 minutes before church was to start... so nice!  (unfortunately... I completely forgot about and missed the voters meeting an hour earlier!  Duh!!

I tell you, moving brings about a million different feelings and

 emotions... and tonight while we did our devotions after dinner when we were reading in James and got to the quick to listen... slow to speak and slow to become angry part... I had to confess my lack of self control in the slow to become angry area... we had some

 laughs about it, but sadly I have to admit the truth there...

I have been less patient than I would like to admit...  I am the homemaker and with the home in chaos... I haven't done real well!  we finally got carpet I in our whole upstairs (praise God) we were finally able to say goodbye to plywood and airmatresses:):) (I know I totally sound like a spoiled american... I am sorry!)

 I also had a down day emotionally, just being overwhelmed with the amount of work to do and missing friends... which led to the very familiar feeling of being brand new in a place... not knowing many people and missing Samuel.  It led to a new different missing of my son... no more samuel's garden... no more home where he was alive inside of me... it was a sad hard day...

I know myself well enough to rally my praying friends to ask for prayer!  What a blessing and encouragement they are to me!  

And God was so faithful to send just the right phone calls from friends, emails from friends praying as well as a super sweet arrival of dear tulsa friends tonight! God knows exactly what we need and when we need it!  I am so grateful!  

We can not wait to show these friends around town... but even more so, just excited for late night talks, cuddles with the kids, visits to local stores and just being together!   God knew months ago we would need a visit with friends and he brought them at the perfect time!  

We had a nice father's day cook out with greg.  Tonight I am feeling so thankful for the dad that raised me with loads of love and laughs... the father who raised the man that would raise 7 kids with me here on earth...my sweet husband who has immediately jumped into minstry here and works so hard so I can be home with the kids!  

Feeling amazed and so thankful to our faithful God tonight!!