Saturday, October 31, 2009

Balloons continued


I had to laugh at Jojo's balloon message to Samuel. Going along with his whole "I love you more than a rock Mom" comment the other day... He said he loved Samuel more than a bird. What a cutie pie.








OUR BALLOON RELEASE












The kids all wanted to write messages on balloons and send them heavenward. It was so incredibly windy... they really just blew east, but then seemed to lift off.





I have to say I have a lot of mixed emotions now that we are past a full year with out our son. There were many amazing little notes that I received, gifts that were delivered, or friends that I was able to talk with over the last couple of days. I will try to either post some pictures or tell you a little bit more about them in the next week.
Just a few thoughts a couple of days later. Actually, today I think I feel worse than the last 2 days... why... I have no idea. I know I had friends praying me through the last few days... it feels kind of like Christmas... you know how you can be kind of depressed when all the hoopla is over with? I don't really mean depressed just kind of the let down after all the anticipation... it feels a little like that for me. I am not at all meaning to say that the last 2 days were a party... they weren't but I think you may be able to follow what I am saying.
Thursday which would have been the day we found out Samuel had died just a year later, was actually a really nice day. I was completely struck by the fact that I didn't really feel like I was reliving it. That is how I thought I would feel, like I was reliving it all day. And of course I did have thoughts that morning thinking... "Yeah, this was about when I called Greg home from work worried sick that something might really be wrong with the baby, this was when we went to the Dr. and were told the heart beat was great...(It was really my heart beating exceptionally fast)... I could go on and on. The thing I was struck with though was that it didn't really feel that much different than the 365 days before.
One thing I have been since day one of this journey of grief.... is real. (The only time I haven't been would be if I clearly could tell people really didn't want to know how I was doing, or if I knew the reaction I would get would just cause me further pain.) Other than that, I have been open and honest about how it feels to lose your child. If it struck me in Walmart and I cried there... then so be it. If I would start to cry during communion, where I know I am communing with all the saints gone before... (thus communing with my son, that makes me feel close to him) then I let the tears fall... When it hits me I let it hit me and go with it. I haven't stuffed it, I have grieved fully when I have needed to.
With that grieving fully and deeply comes the reliving of the whole experience. I guess those that stuff things maybe don't really relive the experience all that often... when it comes up they push it off or just don't let themselves go there. But I haven't done that, and quite honestly, I have thought about the memories of that day and how it all went down soooooo sooooo many times. I think for the first 3 months, I truthfully thought about it all the time. And since then I relive the memories of those days at least a few times a week, sometimes a few times a day. So to relive it all a whole year later really didn't feel that much different to me.
I think that has been one of the blessings of grieving fully when I need to, just that this one year anniversary of losing Samuel was not as bad as I thought it would be. The anticipation of the 2 days was actually worse for me. Don't get me wrong, there were lots of tears shed by all of us. When we watched the video that our photographer had made for us yesterday, (I still want to try to post that on here as well at some point. She did such a beautiful job... still am trying to figure out how to do that... not the smartest with the computer that is for-sure) we all just sat on the couch crying. Poor Anna was a real mess. We discussed all the precious things we remember about him and our time with him. It is so hard to go there. We still just miss him deeply, and it still hurts so much. Our hearts are still broken that we don't get to spend this life with him. You know we have gotten used to the fact that he really isn't here, but we still miss what life with Samuel would have been deeply. I am not sure that will ever go away. There will always be someone missing from our family memory making.
Thursday, Greg and I were able to go out for lunch together to our favorite, cheap, hole in the wall, Chinese restaurant. A friend watched the kids and we got some time to talk. He took off that day, and Friday is usually his day off. It was a great comfort to me, just to know that he would be here. That was really nice. Then we took the kids to see the new movie Astro boy. It actually was really good, I of course was so tired I couldn't help falling asleep during it. Then this will sound crazy, but we had a gift certificate to Babies R Us that we received for our shower for Samuel a year ago. It was going to start to lose value... so we headed over there and got something for the baby we hope to bring home through adoption or biologically if the Lord would see fit to bless us in that way. It kind of felt good. I know, that may sound a little twisted, but I let myself go there, look at the baby clothes, walked the store, picked out what we wanted and left... all on Samuel's birthday. I just had a lot of peace that day. Really it was almost strange, kind of like the day we buried Joel, there was unexplainable peace. It was a really a miracle to me, and I was so incredibly thankful to God for that.
Friday was much rougher... again, I have no idea why. We pretty much just hung out all day, slept in late, went for a run and got ready to have friends over. We did our balloon release and watched our video. I think it was the reality of just seeing our time with him on that day. Those are such precious memories to all of us. We all talked about what we remember of him, what we miss about him. It was just nice to talk about him.
We were so blessed to have some dear people who have meant so much to us this past year join us for cake. We had our friends the Tiews... Lula was the only other person to hold Samuel and they watched the kids when we had Samuel. Grandma Bottom was able to come, she is like family to us. The Dinklemans, our new friends from Sweden, they have just embraced us fully as new friends. I often think, wow, they knew what they were getting into with us as friends, they knew we were and are in the midst of sorrow and they took us on exactly where we are... that is a gift. And the Odom girls came over. Carla, has been one or those few who put their own feelings aside to be what I needed when I needed it. She was one of just a couple of people who came and sat with me, just to talk, let me let things out that first 1/2 year. We will be forever grateful to them for all they have done for us here in Tulsa over the past year. They wanted to see the video, so all the adults watched it together. I love sharing my son with people... even though I know seeing pictures of a family with their stillborn son isn't normal, it is all a part of who we are, and it is so nice to be able to be who we are with people who want to know more about Samuel. That is a gift to us.
It is strange looking back on the last year. There have been people who I never would have expected to come forward to walk this grief journey with us. That has been such a beautiful thing, to see old friends, friends from around the country where we have lived prior, rally around us. There has been the amazing blessing of completely new friends through my support group or blog land that have also had losses and completely get me. And there have been many disappointments, people who we would have expected to be there and offer support, who haven't... Friendships or relationships that you would have thought would have grown closer, have actually been distanced. It is all just so interesting to me. Disheartening at times, weird and uncomfortable at other times and amazingly beautiful at other times. All in all I would just say it is hard, very hard.
So as we head into year 2 without our son... we are thankful. Thankful that we survived, really that is how I feel. I look back and think I survived a year... how many more, Lord? We managed to have food on the table, keep the house somewhat in order, managed to home school, managed to laugh and smile, managed to be there for each other. If we can weather this, with God's help, I know we can manage whatever comes our way, with the Lord by our side. It may not be pretty, but we will manage to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. We are much closer and stronger as a result of all of this. I am amazingly blessed to have the kids that I do, they are amazing and such a blessing. It has comforted me to have them to hold, snuggle, and love on.... Greg too of course... but there is something about snuggling your kids when you have lost one.
We are thankful for all God has done for us this past year... and we cling to the hope that we have in Him... and we continue to trust Him for our future. Here is a little crazy trivia for you. On my wedding day I sang to Greg, it was a surprise for him... the reason that I mention that is because one of the lines in that song said, "We don't know what tomorrow holds, but we know who holds tomorrow." Boy, that is so true... and I am glad it is God and not me holding tomorrow.
Thank you for walking this last year with us.... the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful... We are thankful for you...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, October 30, 2009

A BRIEF BIT OF THE LAST FEW DAYS

WE HAVE HAD A GOOD LAST FEW DAYS... I AM COMPLETELY WORN OUT
PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY... I WILL TRY TO POST TOMORROW ABOUT ALL THAT WE DID TO REMEMBER OUR PRECIOUS SAMUEL, BUT FOR NOW I WILL POST A FEW PICTURES BEFORE I HEAD TO BED.
OUR SWEET, PRECIOUS ANNA



THE PICTURES GOT POSTED IN THE WRONG ORDER, BUT RIGHT NOW I AM TOO TIRED TO EVEN CARE... HERE IS THE INSIDE OF SAMUEL'S RAINBOW CAKE:)


I DECIDED, REALLY FOR MY OWN PERSONAL BENEFIT... (I AM NEEDING THE ENCOURAGEMENT)... THAT SINCE WE WERE MAKING A RAINBOW CAKE FOR SAMUEL THAT WE WOULD FOCUS ON GOD'S PROMISES. THE RAINBOW WAS A REMEMBRANCE THAT GOD WOULD NEVER DESTROY THE EARTH AGAIN WITH A FLOOD. WE STARTED WITH THE BARE CAKE BELOW. THEN WE HAD ALL OF OUR GUESTS HELP DECORATE THE CAKE. WITH EACH SKITTLE THEY STUCK TO THE CAKE THEY TOLD A TRUTH ABOUT GOD OR HIS WORD. I REALLY JUST WANTED TO HEAR THE TRUTHS OF GOD OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I HAVE NEEDED THAT REMINDER THAT REGARDLESS OF HOW I FEEL, HIS TRUTHS ARE STILL THE TRUTHS I CLING TO... HE LOVES US... HE DIED FOR US, SO ONE DAY WE CAN BE REUNITED WITH HIM AND SAMUEL... HE IS OUR PROVIDER, COMFORTER, AND HEALER... HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US... BECAUSE OF WHAT HE DID FOR US WE CAN BE A NEW CREATION... HE CONQUERED DEATH AND THE GRAVE.
OF COURSE FOR ANNA AND JOJO, THEY JUST LOVED PUTTING THE SKITTLES ON AND IT BECAME A LITTLE MORE OF A "WHAT CAN WE THANK GOD FOR... OUR HOME, OUR FAMILY, OUR FRIENDS, OUR CAR, CHRIST... FOR ME THAT WAS FINE... THAT IS THEIR WAY OF EXPRESSING THEIR FAITH... THE FAITH OF A CHILD, I LOVE IT.
I WILL NEVER FORGET LAST YEAR RIGHT AFTER WE LEFT THE HOSPITAL AFTER SAYING GOODBYE TO SAMUEL FOR THE LAST TIME, WE WENT TO THE AIRPORT TO PICK UP MY MOTHER. WHEN WE OPENED THE DOOR FOR HER TO GET IN, JOJO JUST BLURTED OUT, "GRANDMA, MY BROTHER SAMUEL IS DEAD, HE IS IN HEAVEN WITH JESUS."
HE WAS SO MATTER OF FACT. IT ALMOST BOTHERED ME A LITTLE AT THE TIME. HE JUST STATED IT, LIKE IT WAS OK. AND REALLY IT IS, (OF COURSE I STILL STRUGGLE WITH IT DAILY, BUT) WE HAVE ALWAYS TAUGHT HIM THAT IS WHERE WE LONG TO BE AT THE END OF THIS LIFE... SO WHY WOULD HE THINK ANY DIFFERENT THAN THAT IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT HIS LITTLE BORTHER WAS ALREADY THERE . IT JUST SHOWED HIS CHILD LIKE FAITH AND ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT GOD HAS ALLOWED IN HIS SHORT LIFE AT FOUR YEARS OLD.
I WILL POST MORE PICTURES AND MORE ABOUT HOW WE CELEBRATED OUR SON SAMUEL'S SHORT BUT PRECIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL LIFE....




SAMUEL'S CAKE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE NIGHT:)




Wednesday, October 28, 2009

TO TURN BACK TIME...


FOR MONTHS IT WAS JUST TOO HARD TO LOOK AT ANY OF MY PICTURES FROM SAMUEL'S PREGNANCY... IT STILL IS SUCH A MIX OF EMOTIONS... TO THINK HE WAS ALIVE IN ME IN THESE PICTURES. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND FEEL HIM MOVING WITHIN ME AGAIN. I LOVED EVERY BIT OF BEING PREGNANT... I TREASURED ALL THOSE KICKS, WIGGLES, AND HICCUPS... EVEN THE BACK PAIN AND PUKING... IT IS ALL A PART OF THE MIRACLE AS GREG WOULD SAY:)
MY HEART LONGS TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN...
MY HEART LONGS TO REMEMBER SAMUEL'S LIFE WITH JOY, NOT SUCH HEARTACHE... WILL THAT EVER HAPPEN?
IT IS HARD NOT TO THINK... A YEAR AGO TODAY WAS MY DUE DATE IT WAS THE NIGHT THAT I LAST FELT HIM ALIVE WITHIN ME... LOTS OF MOVEMENT WHILE I SAT ON THAT COUCH... I EVEN LAUGHED AS I DREW GREG'S ATTENTION TO IT... LOTS OF MOVEMENT, BUT NOTHING THAT ALARMED ME IN THE LEAST...
IT IS HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE TRAUMA OF ALL WE EXPERIENCED IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS... REALLY WHEN I LOOK BACK IT ALMOST SEEMED LESS TRAUMATIC AT THE TIME THAN AS THE MEMORIES OF IT ALL, I WAS COMPLETELY IN SHOCK. I REMEMBER IT ALL VIVIDLY, EVERY LAST DESPAIRING DETAIL OF IT ALL... AND EVERY LAST BEAUTIFUL DETAIL OF IT ALL.
A PART OF ME WANTS TO REMEMBER IT ALL, THINK THROUGH IT ALL... GETTING THE NEWS THAT THERE WAS NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY, LABORING KNOWING THERE WOULD BE NO WONDERFUL REWARD AT THE END... JUST SADNESS, NURSES PRAYING OVER ME WHEN THE SOUNDS COMING OUT OF ME WERE UNRECOGNIZABLE, WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PUSH... JUST SAYING, "NO WAY, I CAN'T DO IT, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS", SAYING HELLO TO HIM, TELLING HIM OVER AN OVER AGAIN HOW MUCH WE LOVED HIM, INSPECTING EVERY DETAIL OF HIS BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT, BUT STILL, MOTIONLESS BODY, HANDING HIM OVER TO THE NURSE FOR THE LAST TIME...
BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW WHERE THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THAT WILL TAKE ME TO... A VERY DEEP DARK PLACE. BUT CRAZILY, I KNOW THIS WILL SOUND WEIRD, BUT THAT IS WHERE I FEEL CLOSE TO SAMUEL... SO IT FEELS GOOD TO BE THERE FOR A TIME. I JUST KNOW I CAN'T STAY THERE...
SO MANY MIXED EMOTIONS ALL AT THE FOREFRONT OF MY MIND... SO MANY PRECIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, YET GUT WRENCHING MEMORIES. I WANT TO HONOR HIS SWEET SHORT LIFE... I WANT TO HONOR MY PRECIOUS SON SAMUEL. THANKYOU FOR REMEMBERING HIM WITH ME.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

IS THIS JOJO'S BLOG??

I COULDN'T RESIST... HE IS JUST THE FUNNIEST KID... FROM WHAT HE SAYS DOWN TO WHAT HE WEARS... (I KNOW I COULD MAKE HIM WEAR OTHER CLOTHES, BUT SOMETIMES WHAT HE PICKS OUT IS JUST DOWN RIGHT PRECIOUS) DOWN TO HIS CRAZY ANTICS... HE BRINGS US ALL SUCH JOY:)
JOJO... OUR SWEET LITTLE BLUE EYED BLONDIE...




TONIGHT DURING PRAYERS JOJO ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS FOR CALLING CALEB... SWEET SUSIE FRANCIS... WHO KNOWS WHERE HE CAME UP WITH THAT ONE:)
AFTER I SAID GOODNIGHT TO THE BIG BOYS HE CALLED TO ME AS HE WAS CLIMBING UP TO THE TOP BUNK... "MAMA, I LOVE YOU!"
"I LOVE YOU MORE THAN A ROCK, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CLOTHES, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY DRESSER, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CLOTHES, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN A PULL UP."
OK, ABOUT THIS TIME, I AM THINKING... MORE THAN A ROCK? THAT REALLY DOESN'T SOUND ALL THAT GREAT.
THEN HE CARRIES ON TO SAY, "MAMA WHAT WAS THAT ANIMAL WE STUDIED?... LIKE A BEAVER, ALL SPIKEY FUR..."
WELL AFTER MUCH CHATTERING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ANIMAL HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HE SAYS, "ACTUALLY MAMA, I LOVE WOMBATS AND YOU!"
SO REALLY AT THE END OF IT ALL, I KIND OF WONDERED IF I SHOULD FEEL GOOD ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME... OR WHAT?
REALLY HE IS JUST GOOD COMIC RELIEF FOR ME THESE DAYS.... NEEDLESS TO SAY, I AM READY FOR OCTOBER TO COME TO AN END... READY TO MOVE ON TO NOVEMBER...
WE HAVE LOTS OF THINGS PLANNED FOR THURSDAY AND FRIDAY... I WILL TRY TO POST PICTURES AS WE TRY TO HONOR THE PRECIOUS LIFE OF OUR SWEET SAMUEL. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR PRAYERS OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

BLOG FRIENDS CAN BE REAL FRIENDS:)

I just got off the phone from a 3 hour conversation with my sweet friend Tonya. It was the first time I had talked to her... she is my blog friend, I feel kind of funny saying it... but it is true and really I love it:).

I have to laugh because a year ago I never would have guessed I would be so excited to talk with someone I met through my blog...

I remember a few months after my loss, telling someone that I knew what I was feeling was normal because I had read many of the same things I was feeling and thinking on other women's blogs who had also had losses. This person proceeded to tell me, " What makes you think it is normal to feel that way.... come on, blogging is a little odd, don't you thin, blogging isn't really normal. So maybe these people aren't really normal, because do normal people blog?"

I can never respond quick enough... but now I could and would respond that yes, us bloggers are normal. It is just like journaling, just online. I love to write, yet never got up the gumption to journal. For some reason, blogging works for me to get my thoughts out.

I can honestly say that I am not quite sure how I would have survived the first 6 months after losing Samuel had it not been for my MEND group and for the friendships I have formed and the support of other blog moms who have lost babies.

Really, I am not sure I remember how I even stumbled across Tonya's blog at http://www.tonyatalk.blogspot.com/ But what I do know is that I have found a precious friend in Tonya. There are quite a few moms I have really connected with through their blogs and I can tell you I am so encouraged by them, strengthened by their prayers and comforted by knowing that we don't travel this journey alone.

But with Tonya, it is almost uncanny the amount of things we have in common. We both have taught childbirth classes, are baby loving fools, we both planned on making the same birthday cake for our babies heavenly birthdays, and we even have the same name picked out if either of us are blessed to ever have another daughter. We think a lot alike and I am always saying, "Yes, Yes, I think or feel that same way." while I read her blog. Her precious baby boy Grady went home to His savior last November, just 13 days after Samuel. I like to think of Samuel welcoming Grady home when he arrived. I just wish I would've known Tonya last November to walk this road together from the very beginning. Because our boys birthdays are so close together we are experiencing a lot of the same emotions right now. It was so nice to talk that all over with her. She is an incredible woman of God and the more I learn about her, the more I get to know about her, the more I respect her and am encouraged by how she has persevered under great trials in life. I am so blessed to call her my friend.

One thing that was different about us is our voices... she just had the most precious southern accent... I am not sure the midwestern accent I carry would be considered precious:)

So as I sit here tonight... up too late again:) I am thanking God for the precious friends that He has brought to me from some of the most unlikely places. This week I have seen God in some of the small things in life and that feels really good. I have also seen God working to bring friends my way, and that is a special gift.

Praising God even when it hurts.... Sara

Friday, October 23, 2009

CAN YOU SAY RASCAL??



THIS KID JUST CRACKS ME UP... AND I NEED THOSE LAUGHS.
JOJO, FUN LOVING, SILLY, SO SWEET, SO QUIET AT TIMES, SO ENERGETIC AT OTHER TIMES, BIG 2 WHEEL BIKE RIDING BOY, SO SERIOUS SOMETIMES, SUCH A HAM AT OTHER TIMES, SUCH A GOOF BALL, SUCH A TENDER SOUL...
KEEPS US ALL ON OUR TOES, KEEPS US ALL LAUGHING OUT LOUD...
SUCH A LITTLE LOVE BUG...
SUCH A PRECIOUS GIFT AND TREASURE FROM GOD...
I JUST LOVE SNUGGLING WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL BOY... EVEN IF HE HAS A PLASTIC MOUSE SUCTIONED TO HIS NOSE...:)

NOW THE RABBIT ON THE HEAD, THAT WOULD BE REAL, COURTESY OF LOUIS...

THANKFUL FOR SOME DISTRACTIONS


LOU AND JOJO BY ONE OF THE LITTLE TREES WE PLANTED LAST FALL AFTER SAMUEL DIED.

I LOVE THAT IT IS CHANGING COLORS RIGHT NOW BEFORE WE WILL CELEBRATE HIS HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY...

THE BUNNIES ARE GROWING AND ARE SOOOO CUTE



I just wanted to thank those who have been praying for me. I have needed it and praise God, He has given me some peace these last few days. Right now the house is quiet... we have our friends the Tiews four kids here with us for the next couple of days. So it is quite an accomplishment to have it quiet with 8 kids in the house. We are thrilled to have them here. The kids have had a ball together today.


I went to MEND, my infant loss support group, on Tuesday night. I knew I would be a mess, I felt it just brewing. But it was just what I needed. That morning I had woken up just feeling miserable, and shortly after getting up I got a call from a girl that usually goes to MEND but wasn't able to make it that night. She was checking in. She lost her precious daughter Tatum last Feb. It was SOOOOO nice to talk and express my feeling to somebody who could relate. She said later she knew God had prompted her to call and I was so thankful.


At the MEND meeting we talked a lot about anniversaries of our losses. Many had just had their babies heaven going anniversaries this past month. It was so good for me to hear what they did, how they coped. But when it came my time to share, I of course was a mess. We have lots of plans for what we will do next week, but it was so good to share and sort out some of my feelings. Truly, I don't know where I would be if it weren't for that support group this past year. I know I have said it before, but the comfort of knowing you are not alone in your feelings is HUGE... and knowing it is normal. The reactions of others leaves me feeling pretty not normal many days...


There were a couple of things that people said that were so profound and were just what I needed to hear. I know that there have been lies that Satan has snuck in and convinced me of and that hasn't been pretty some days. I am ready to kick that nasty Satan to the curb. I remember one of my first appt.s with my counselor, we talked about expectations. Honestly, it is something I still struggle with, how I expected or thought others would react to our loss.


I think I am a pretty empathic person in general. Sometimes though, I don't think some of what I expected wasn't too far fetched. Sure initially when Samuel died, we had a few neighbors stop by those first couple of days. After that I didn't see or talk to any of them for at least 4 months. That kind of shocked me. Our church did provide meals for a month which was a HUGE blessing and which I appreciated greatly. But, what I really needed was to know someone really cared about us, I needed people to be with me. I can remember 2 people from church who came over to see me, brought a meal and actually stayed to visit with me... 2 people. That was it, for 6 months, that was it. Because I didn't have family here or a support system in place... I was left to grieve alone, just me, my husband and kids. And I am sure you know by now, I grieve much differently than anyone else in this house:) It was an incredibly lonely 6 months. People that talked to me the week before Samuel was born at church, some haven't said more than 5 words since. We were so thankful to have the Tiews who were at the sem with us, here in Tulsa, and we would call and have them out when it got bad, we were so thankful to have them to spend Christmas with. We needed it.


It is so interesting to me the effect someone's grief has on others. There truly are very few who can handle it. I know what it felt like to come to church, even as the "almost Pastor's" wife, and to know people were watching me, but yet wouldn't approach me. I can't tell you how many times Greg would come home and ask, "Did so and so talk to you? They came up to me and asked how you were, I told them to come talk to you, did they?" Ahhhh no, week after week that was the conversation. Anyone who knows me knows, I am an open book, and I love to talk about Samuel... so had people asked, we would have done some talking about my precious boy.


Praise God, we turned over a new leaf around the 6 month mark. There was a group of women who started meeting with me to do a small group study and it was great. They have been so good to let me be me, and to be alright with that. And really it was a good thing to connect with them. I hadn't been to our church, yeah the one where my husband was preaching, for at least 6 weeks. I just couldn't go there. I felt worse there than anywhere else. I can't fully explain it, but that was the way it was.


So I am back to the expectations. I do forgive people who weren't there for me like I would have hoped or maybe still are too uncomfortable to talk with me. I don't want to hold it against them or harbor any bitterness towards them. I do forgive, but why is it so hard to forget it? I guess it is when it continues... but I know I need to be ok with that too. I do know that I don't want to be a hindrance to anyone else because of my grief. I would hope that eventually my story would be an encouragement to others. I didn't chose this journey, it was chosen for me. I do want to make the most of it. I would NEVER in a million years written my story to be what it has been this past year, but it is what it is. I want God to use it... I want Him to use Samuel's precious little life and legacy for His kingdoms glory. I just don't see or know how he will do that at this point. But another thing I also have learned is that I do NOT want others to feel how I felt. I want our church body to be the body, supporting, loving, and caring for one another wherever they are at and however long they have been at the church, one day or 50 years. I don't ever want others to feel so alone. Those of you that have lost babies know how lonely and dark the nights can be... you know what I am saying... but I don't want the days, especially the days at church to feel that way for others. I don't know how I can help that, but I have been praying that God would plant a seed in my heart or my hubby's for how we can help others heal.


I know I can be a rambler. With all that being said I hope I can at some point articulate what some of the girls said at MEND that had such a profound affect on me... And I do hope that now that I put it out there some of the feelings I have had about people's reactions to me and my grief, I hope to not mention it again. Not the grief part, because that will be on going... but the hurt feelings part. At this point... I am tired... and I need to hit the hay... but first I need to get to a couple of loads of laundry and do my bible study for tomorrow.... No rest for the weary yet... you would have thought I would have put off the blogging, but for me, it is kind of like good, free, therapy:)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

VISITS WITH GRANDPARENTS

THE KIDS WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA HINTZ

JOJO IN SAMUEL'S GARDEN... NEXT TO THE "TODAY, TOMORROW, FOREVER'
PLANT THAT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA BROUGHT TO PUT IN THERE. JOJO AND GRANDMA SPENT LOADS OF TIME WEEDING THE GARDEN... AND IT LOOKS SO NICE NOW. SHE THANKED ME FOR LETTING HER WORK IN THERE... IT WENT UNSAID, BUT I THINK THAT SHE FELT CLOSE TO SAMUEL WHILE SHE WORKED IN THERE. I THINK SHE FELT JUST LIKE ME, THAT IN SOME SMALL, STRANGE, WAY, IT IS HOW WE CAN CARE FOR HIM EVEN THOUGH HE IS GONE.


JOJO'S PRIZE WORM:)

THE KIDS WITH GRANDPA AND GRANDMA BOTTOM

We have had a busy last week, but it was nice. I have REALLY needed the distraction. We decided last Monday that my in-laws would come last week. So we hurried and got in a full weeks worth of school before they arrived on Thursday...oh the beauty of homeschooling.
Beverly is a pretty motivated gal, and given my lack of motivation in the last year... it was so nice to have her here. When she came at the beginning of August we had bought shelving paper for my kitchen. It was still just sitting in a drawer when they came last week. She helped me finally get that done. The huge project we accomplished was switching out the boys bedroom with the extra bedroom. It was a BIG job. (Our church had given us a big baby shower before Samuel was born... we literally have had probably 20 packages of diapers and wipes packed in the extra bedroom closet since then... I just NEVER would have thought that we wouldn't have had a chance to use them by now. We were told back in Feb. that we should have a car seat ready because we were one of only 2 families in Tulsa that would accept biracial babies... but yet, here we wait almost 9 months later... what is God up to here? Well I guess that is for a whole other post...) Basically because we moved from up north where you have basements... let's just say our closets are full:)
I never could have gotten it done without her and Dad's help. I know I would have stopped midway when the mess was at it's worst... so it was a Huge blessing to have her help. And the rooms are in much better shape now. We had such a nice time with them here. Greg and I even got to go out on a much needed date. Thank you mom and dad for making the trip up to see us all.
We were able to introduce them to Grandma and Grandpa Bottom. We took dinner over to them on Sunday and as usual they sent us home with all sorts of goodies... It was hilarious Caleb went up to her and asked her if he could buy a jar of her apricot jam... of course she sent him home with one... so precious. She was so thoughtful, she sent the kids home with Christmas trees for their bedrooms and she has a tree for Samuel, all white with angels, and a beautiful nativity set that she always put by his tree. How incredibly kind and it just made me cry that she would even think of Samuel and to give us that to remember him with. They decided that they will move to Dallas to be by their kids, so they are clearing out. There were lots of tears that day at our house when we got that news. We will miss them so much. But we are so happy for them. If you think of it would you pray for them... especially for Larry's health and for God to sustain them as so much is changing for them.
I also could REALLY use your prayers. I have had a really rough couple of days, I know it all has to do with Samuel's birthday being around the corner next week. Last night I had it out with God, I know He already knows my anger so as I walked in the neighborhood in the complete darkness we had some talking to do. When I sat in Samuel's garden I think I realized for the first time that this is something that is mine and mine alone, my grief. I have struggled with the difference between Greg's grief and my own. I have always known it would be different, yet at times that angered me too. I just want him to feel my depth of pain and grief... But how can he, he didn't know Samuel intimately like I did for all of those months... he didn't carry and nourish and grow him for almost 10 months... he didn't love him the way a mother does with all of her being because Samuel was literally a part of me... he didn't feel him wiggle, kick, hiccup all of those months... he is a man and men feel things differently... Really as much as even some of my friends try to understand... I know they just can't unless you have lived it, you can't fully grasp all of the emotions and pain... this is a pain I must bear all my own except for sharing it with my fellow baby loss mamas. That hit me a little hard last night... I so badly want Greg to fully grasp it all, but even though Samuel was his too, he just can't truly understand how I feel. Even though he saw it as a dad and husband, it wasn't his body whose womb suddenly went still, his body that had to sit and wait knowing that it was carrying a dead child within, it wasn't his body that had to feel pain and push forth a deeply loved child that was just so still. It wasn't his body and it wasn't him. I want us to be united in it, but there is much he will never understand. So the realization that this is a pain that I will carry differently as a mom who misses her son deeply hit hard last night. Even though I have had better days the last few months, I still think about him all of the time. I still miss him intensely and really I don't think that will really ever go away fully. I know it will come and go probably throughout my whole life. I think it is coming to accept that grief and sorrow will always have a place in your heart that is REALLY HARD to accept. Now I know that some (trust me I have had it happen many times already) will be perturbed by that comment "that it will always have a place in my heart" But because they haven't experienced the loss of a child, they don't understand that you can have pain and sorrow in your heart and yet still have joy and gladness for the other things you are experiencing in life. I know God can heal and I think that he has...yet there is still much pain there. I will choose to be joyful even though my heart is still sad.... Thanks in advance for your prayers as we approach Samuel's heavenly birthday.
Ok, all that being said to ask for your prayers. I still am processing so much. I am anxious over what next Thursday and Friday will hold as those will mark one whole year since we knew Samuel was gone and since we held him in our arms. What I wouldn't give, even with all of the heartache, to go back and feel him alive inside of me, and to just be able to hold him again. This is just hard... Thank you for your prayers.



Monday, October 19, 2009

NOT ME MONDAY

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week








I would never nick name my four year sir nakedness... just because he has to strip down EVERY time he has to use the toilet... that just couldn't be me..., nor would I ever post it publicly on my blog, he would be so embarrassed by that.

It could not be me who has a child that exclaimed isn't that a part of your rear end? When I told him he needed to put a colon after the Greeting in a business letter? No, not me, my kids would have far more class than that...

I would never broadcast on my blog that my son Caleb scored all 4 of his teams goals in yesterdays soccer game... that would rather boastful, don't you think?

I also would not still be so proud of him...even if they lost by 1 goal...:)

It couldn't be me who worked my in-laws like slaves on their vacation here this past weekend... I would never do that I would have everything neat and in order before their arrival.

I would never let my kids sleep in the same bed, like in above picture, where Anna is laughing because she is being smothered by her little brother who has been sound asleep for ahhh 30 minutes. I would never do that, just because it is so precious... I would rather have them all get optimum sleep every night.

It definitely wouldn't be me who made the kids all pool their Halloween treats from said grandparents above... just so I wouldn't find wrappers in their rooms or so I could have a piece myself when I want one.

I would never get a good hearty laugh when I stumbled upon my 4year old, who was supposed to be sleeping, sporting some of my "unmentionables" stuffed full with socks.



It has been kind of a busy week around here with lots of things we would never do:)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I WONDER??

I wonder for how long will I have this literal ache in my chest.
I wonder when I will be able to hold a baby again.

I wonder how long I will have to swallow the lump in my throat.
I wonder when the leaves are going to start changing here in OK, I miss the fall colors of Wisconsin.
I wonder if I will ever love large crowds like I used to.
I wonder if I am permanently now just a small crowd kind of gal.
I wonder if I will ever be able to "just" make small talk with people.
I wonder when I will be truly comfortable with the "new me".
I wonder if God will ever bless us with another biological child.
I wonder if God will ever bless us with an adopted child.
I wonder how the loss of the past year will affect my kids long term.
I wonder how close to walking Samuel would have been had he lived.
I wonder what he is doing right now.
I wonder what his birthday will be like, full of joy, full of sorrow, probably both.
I wonder if I will always feel like I have had an amputation of part of my heart.
I wonder why people are so stinking uncomfortable with death... don't they realize that adds to the grief the grieving person feels.
I wonder why some people are STILL afraid to mention my son's name... I still love, love, love to hear it.
I wonder if Caleb's soccer team will win any games this fall... he did score again last weekend.
I wonder when I will get on top of all the clutter in my house.
I wonder if we will ever do anything with Samuel's ashes... they are still just in my closet. I think we need to look at something permanent to put them in... I think I just want to keep him here at home with us.
I wonder if we will get a new trampoline... ours is now in ahhhh.... 30 pieces in the garage after the wind picked it up and twisted and tore it apart in a recent storm... big bummer.
I wonder if I will ever be able to express my gratitude fully to those few dear friends and family members who have hung with me, prayed for me, consistently and constantly checked up on me, loved me where I have been in my grief, validated my feelings, and truly cared for me this past year.
I wonder why some feel like they are the expert in grief even though they have NEVER had a loss.
I wonder if Samuel will ever be a big brother... waiting is so hard.
I wonder what God will do through all this long term... I want to see the big picture and I don't want this pain wasted, I want Him to use it for His glory and to proclaim His power, not my own...
I wonder why WE were chosen to walk this road.
I wonder what we will name our new outdoor kitty that we may get... want to get the mice out of the garage.
I wonder if we will have any company for Thanksgiving or Christmas or if we will be celebrating with just our little family.
I wonder about the future God has planned for our family.


I wonder sooo sooo many things. Sometimes my head is so full of wondering... I hope through all this wondering I am learning something.... something about me... something more about my Savior...something more about the love of my husband and family...

WE WILL NEVER FORGET

Baby Joel's precious foot




I don't know if I ever posted this picture because you can't really see Caleb... but look at sweet Anna, all of their expressions just cut through my heart, but Anna, little mommy at heart Anna, this was one of the few pictures where she let her true emotions of that day show. I know sweet Samuel changed all of us forever...



Isn't he just beautiful?



Samuel enveloped in his mom and dad's love, me enveloped in my husband's love.



Our only family picture, all of us together:) I love it because it is just that, the only one. I have a couple others with the kids looking this way or that, you know how that goes, but this is it. Now this is what Anna looked like in most pictures... so proud to be holding the little brother that she waited so long for. So often I look at all of our expressions and our eyes. Jojo, I don't think really understood the depth of what was happening that day. Louis, heartbroken Louis, so tenderhearted, wears his true emotions on his sleeve. Caleb, strong determined Caleb... so trying to hold it all together. Greg, my rock, that was all the smile he could muster. Me, I remember thinking if these are the only pictures I will have with my son, I want to smile. It was forced but it was there, but at the same time I look just awful. My face and eyes were so swollen.


These are true pictures, emotions and all that were felt that day... and quite honestly, still felt today, almost a year later.




Today is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
I didn't intend to post any pictures on this post, but for some reason when I started it I just thought I want to share my precious son with you... again...


Last October 15th I was anticipating the arrival of our 5th precious child. Who would have ever thought this day, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day would mean something so personally to me this year. I still wish it didn't. But we will remember our precious son every day... We will never forget that beautiful baby Samuel.


So I guess, part of what they do on this day is encourage everyone to light a candle at 7pm in your time zone for 1 hour, in memory of a baby you lost or someone you know who lost a baby. Then it will be like one continuous wave of light going around the world as it moves from time zone to time zone. We will be lighting a candle here. We will light it to remember precious Samuel and baby Joel. And we will light it to remember all of our sweet precious friend's babies, Grady, Owen, Felicity, Jeremiah, Tatum, Carter, Lucy, Nate, Nathan, Stacy... I know there are many more that were lost to early miscarriage that maybe weren't named... my mom's babies, my sister -in-love's babies...
So as I light my candle I will be praying for all my sweet friends, that the Lord will bless them with great peace, comfort, and love tonight.
Won't you like a candle with us??

Monday, October 12, 2009

NOT ME MONDAY

This is my first go at Not Me Monday... where we all admit to some of those crazy thing that we do, that we wouldn't want most to know... being brutally honest and living to tell about it...like picking the mold off your bread and making sandwiches with the rest of the loaf... or wearing the same socks for a whole week... Now really, I didn't do those things... just giving some examples...So here goes with my real not me Monday...



I most certainly did not let my four year old sit on my lap and drive us all home from Soccer practice through the neighborhood when he couldn't even see over steering wheel... Nope not me.



When the Chex Mix crumbs on the kitchen floor were driving me nuts today, it couldn't have been me who used my foot just to brush them all up under the cabinets so I wouldn't keep stepping on them. I would never be too lazy to just sweet them up.



I would NEVER stay up consistently past 2:30 am... just to really tire myself out so I get a good nights sleep... no I would never do that, it doesn't even make sense does it?



It would be gross if I went for a run, sprayed myself with body spray and then headed straight to church for Wednesday night class with out a shower... I would never do such a thing.



I would never get addicted to couponing, never, that would be a little bizarre.



And I most certainly did not giggle like a school girl when my four year did his "jiggly" dance in the nude... that would be encouraging a "not so good thing" wouldn't it. I would never do that.



It was not me who went outside and surprised the "pumpkin fairies" who were trying to surprise us with a cute little fall display in our yard. I would never ruin the surprise like that just because my children continued to yell that there were a bunch of crazy old ladies in the front yard. Not me...



And it couldn't have been me who stayed in my jammies all day, just to change late this afternoon to go for a run... no I wouldn't do that, I would probably just run in my jammies. Hmmm, actually it couldn't have been me who just changed my top and went out in half of my jammies. I would never be that much of a slacker.

Hmmm, that felt kind of good:)



I am not nearly as good at this as Mckmama is, head over to her blog to check it all out at http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Saturday, October 10, 2009

CALEB IN HIS SOCCER GAME.

ANOTHER BATCH OF BABY BUNNIES... I KNOW THEY LOOK A LITTLE
BIT LIKE MICE... THEY WILL BE SO CUTE IN A WEEK OR SO.


ANNA AND TWO FRIENDS AT THE NEIGHBORHOOD BLOCK PARTY.


SUCH A SWEET, PRECIOUS, LITTLE GIRL


So after helping with some cooking at the Bottoms house on Thursday night, after listening to the rain fall, we piled into the van and headed down their driveway only to find that there was no way we would be heading home. We were going to be staying the night, we couldn't get across a part of the driveway. It had rained 5 inches in a very short amount of time. By morning we were good to go... and the Bottoms were so gracious as usual. We all had cozy beds to sleep in and a delicious breakfast in the morning. They are such dear people. The boys went back last night to sleep over help with the chili cook off today in a town close by.
Yesterday during the day I had my ladies Bibles Study. It has been such a blessing to be with those ladies. God knew I desperately needed some friends that I could share with in the study of God's word. They, as usual, supported me when I crumbled. Do you know how nice it is to feel free to be yourself and know that you won't be judged. The funny thing is, I am pretty much an open book. And I think I have grown in the area of not worrying so much about what others think of me. I do care, because I ALWAYS want to be a good witness for my Lord... which I fail miserably at most days. But I do know that God allowed Samuel to be taken so soon, and I am trusting in Him as I grieve, not trusting in what others think. Living for an audience of ONE, that is my motto. There are times as a Pastor's wife or even just a Christian I have felt the eyes of others upon me taking my tears and grief as a lack faith. It isn't that at all. In fact I have faith in a SUPER powerful God... I know He can do anything. But even knowing that He can do anything doesn't take away the sting of living with out one that you love so dearly. And knowing that He can do anything, doesn't necessarily mean that He will do anything or do those things that we are hoping He will do. So for me it is living in the balance of HOPING, TRUSTING, and living in the reality that His plans may not be what I have planned. All that being said, I am so thankful for this group of ladies that loves me for me, no matter where I am at some days. (Boy that was a lot of rambling... to get to that point)
Then last night we had our first small group bible study here at our house. Ahhhh, I have missed having fellowship with a group of couples like that. Greg and I have almost always been a part of a small group. We have found in the past that is when our church usually has become our church family. We are so looking forward to being able to get to know these couples better. I just NEED those kinds of closer relationships. I know Greg and I also need to have a community of friends to support us and encourage us and us in return to them. It is a good thing.
Tonight our neighbors hosted a little block party... and I think I found an answer to my prayer for a music teacher for the boys. Our neighbors older son, whom I have never met before because he was out of state at college, was there with his girlfriend. Can you say precious? They kind of went off and were sitting at a table by themselves so Greg and I joined them. What a sweet, endearing young Christian couple. We totally enjoyed visiting with them and through talking discovered that he would love to lead worship at a church. When I asked him what instrument he plays, he told me he plays guitar and the drums. Caleb has always wanted to play the drums. And if you ask me, with his enormous amounts of energy:) I think it would be perfect for him. And Louis loves to sing... Greg and I have always thought the guitar would be good for him... Having 3 brothers that have all been apart of leading worship at their churches at one time or another... I kind of think that might be up Lou's alley. This young man ,Brandon, said he has never taught before, but honestly that would be perfect for us. We are kind of low key about this kind of stuff. And the beautiful thing about it is that he lives a mile down the road with his grandparents. Yeah, we would not have to drive far. I am so happy at the possibilities. Yeah God!
I am really thankful, I have been able to see God at work through lots of little things this past week and it has been really nice. Not that any were momentous things, but all together I can see the blessings He bestowed on us this week... and I am thankful. Praying you all have a blessed Sunday.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

JOJO IS AT IT AGAIN:)


Yes, that chicken is alive... and Yes, Jojo absolutely could be a farm boy! Boy does he crack me up.
We have been spending a lot of time at the Bottom's farm. It has been such a blessing to us and we hope we have been a blessing to them as well. They also lost a child, their daughter I think 20 or 25 years ago. She has had a hospice business as well, so she is just a HUGE ball of knowledge in regards to grief. They now call us the Oklahoma children and grandchildren. We love that. All of their kids live out of state, but we have gotten to meet them all which is so nice.
In fact, Grandma Deena just called to tell us to head over. She already has dinner going! She is the best cook, every time we go there, Greg and I leaving saying, "You have to roll me out of here." We are always stuffed. Going there is such a gift to me, when you live away from home, it is so nice to have a place to call home where mom just cooks and takes care of you and the kids. That is what it feels like at the Bottoms. HOME... and we love it.
Grandpa Larry hasn't been well lately and they are trying to sell their home. So we have been heading out most weekends to help with cleaning up the barn, working in the garden. Etc. We absolutely love it. Their home and land is just a dream to me. Tuesday we went over and the kids and I and Deena made 20 dozen cookies, 5 pans of brownies, 3 cakes, and 4 dozen cupcakes. She is a mad lady in the kitchen. There is a big chili cook off at the farmers market this Saturday. So they asked her to sell her goods... jams, salsa, tons of other canned cookies, and baked goods. We laughed the other night because we were filling out adoption forms and we had to list favorites of the kids. When we asked Jojo what his favorite foods were, he responded with... Grandma's corn, Grandma's rolls and jam. He didn't mention my cooking once:) I had to laugh at that. So we are heading back over tonight to cook for Saturday and the boys will stay the night tomorrow so they can help at the market on Saturday. They have been doing that most Fridays for the last couple of months. They have really loved every minute of it.
So we are blessed by our time with the Bottoms and we are praying for God's healing touch on Grandpa Larry.
The other REALLY exciting news in that my sweet lady friends from the seminary may all come for a visit. It is in the works, nothing for sure yet, but even that is a big thing to celebrate here:) They would be coming from Texas, Nebraska, Missouri, Massachusetts, and Florida. It would be sooooo wonderful to have that to look forward to in November.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES...

On the way to church today...

Anna: Mama the speed limit here is 45 mph. (a little hesitation) Mama you are going 50 mph.

Me deciding to make this a teachable moment: So Anna which is faster, 45 mph or 50 mph?

Anna: 50 mph.

Me: How much faster is 50 mph than 45 mph?

Anna: A schniblet faster... (She is so her mothers daughter... is schniblet even a word? Whether it is or isn't is neither here nor there... it is totally a word I would use. )



Tonight while Jojo and I were going on a little walk... he was riding his bike...

Jojo: Mama scratch my forehead, I have an itch.

Me: (while he is still riding of course... I scratch his head) There Jojo how does that feel?

Jojo: Great Mama, I always thought it was a three head not a forehead...

I just had to sit there and think is this kid for real... but he was completely serious. These are the things that keep me going. We have had such an emotional few days.

The adoption seminar was great but quite emotionally exhausting for us. They did such a great job and it was really educational for us. They had lots of panel discussions the first of which was with a group of birth moms. (They also had panel discussions with grown adopted children, and with adoptive parents. These were so great to see all of it played out before you) It was so amazing... Wow, the sacrifice they make. All of them talked about how hard and incredibly painful it was for them to leave the hospital with out their baby. Oh how I could relate... It was gut wrenching listening to them. I just had a pit in my stomach. Obviously we are praying in earnest that the Lord would grant us a baby through adoption... we would love that baby soooo deeply just as if he/she came from my womb... but to think of truly leaving the hospital and taking another woman's baby knowing first hand for myself how she is feeling at that moment leaving herself with out the baby she carried for 9 months. I know she would be doing it willingly, out of love for her baby, to give her baby a life that she couldn't provide... but wow, it had the emotions churning for me that is for-sure. When the Lord chooses to bless us in that way... I will ALWAYS honor that birth mom, ALWAYS praise her for the sacrifice she made, ALWAYS be so incredibly grateful for her gift to us.

October has hit me hard. I never realized what a sensory person I am. But just with the cooler weather, the smells, it has the memories of last October so fresh on my mind. This is what I was trying to explain to Greg when we walked today... I don't think he really understood, and I know couldn't really relate... today was one of those days I was asking did we really suffer the same loss? We grieve sooooo differently. For most others, they have long ago moved on from the loss of Samuel, whether it is family or friends. For me there are the moments where I feel like I have lived a whole lifetime in the last year. But for the most part I remember the events of last October 29th and 30th as if they happened last week. Truthfully they are that vivid and that clear in my mind.

I remember the moment I KNEW something was VERY wrong. I remember pushing up on my belly and just feeling my son bouncing up and down onto my hand.... It was just a bounce... involuntarily, just from my push, no resistance from him. I knew it felt all wrong. I remember after telling the ultrasound tech, "You better get someone in her ASAP to tell me what is going on." Her 15 minutes later just peeking her head in the room, " I just wanted to let you know your doctor is on his way in, the ultrasound showed no cardiac activity in the baby." That was it, no I am sorry, no feeling, no emotion, just the words... no cardiac activity. She didn't even have the decency to come to my bedside... are you kidding me, I still can't believe it? I remember it all, every last detail of pushing out a lifeless baby... I remember hearing the crying and sniffles of the nurses, doctor and my husband... at that moment I don't think I had a tear left in me to cry... but an hour later they had replenished. I remember being in church 3 days later and hearing a newborn cry and right away my milk coming in. I remember hugging people at the memorial service being in so much pain.

The other morning I walked in my bathroom, and as I was walking across the cold tile... it sent me right back to last October... it was the weirdest thing... but I immediately felt that awful, cold, empty, despairing feeling that I had last fall when I felt my empty cold womb had betrayed me. I honestly didn't want to leave my room or my bed. But just walking on that floor put me right back there. I have NEVER had that happen before.

This all leaves me a bit worried about the next month. I kind of figured that once the one year date passed maybe it would be easier... but now I have a feeling I will be remembering afresh all that I was feeling so deeply right after we lost him. I think because most others have moved on, but yet my memories are still so fresh, the pain still fresh, it has this month feeling much differently than I would have anticipated. I knew it would be hard... but it has been harder than I expected already. I know I am going to need to be in constant prayer about it all and in God's word for comfort and reassurance. I would really appreciate your prayers if you think about it all. I just never would have expected to be here where we are. I really felt that maybe God would have performed a miracle and have allowed us to get pregnant with all the fertility help we had sought out this past year, or that he would have blessed us through adoption. I just never thought we would be HERE almost a year later. There we go again with having to wait on the Lord's timing:)

I had a great and much needed talk with my sister-in-law tonight about being refined and walking through the fire or fires that God might have for us. It is in that refining that we grow and learn to trust Him more... but at the same time the refining hurts, it isn't a comfortable process. Isaiah 48:10 says, Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. So as we still are in that refining fire, that furnace of affliction, I am praying for the Lord's work to be done in us. I want him to remove all of the impurities and change what need to be changed in us. I guess this is all a part of the process. From where we are right now it doesn't look so pretty. But I am praying for us to come out of the fire a beautiful creation He has made...

I hope this wasn't a total downer...
Do you see now, how those sweet, silly light hearted things that my kids say just lift my spirits... I so need them each day... they are just such a precious gift.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?




I know this post might be a little goofy or random... but here goes:)
Ok so I know that these photos will get a rise out of some... sorry. I have always been a Packer fan... but what I also realized in the past 2 football seasons is that I truly am also a Brett Favre fan. I get that he retired... I get that, but I also get that He is a HUGE part of the reason the Packers had their glory years in the 90's. You just don't let a legend go like that... and last week's Vikings game proved it when Favre tossed a 50 yard pass into the end zone with 2 seconds left on the clock to win the game. It was done in true Favre fashion. So we are ready for the hype before and the drama that will play out next Monday on Monday night football between the Vikings and the Packers.
So the story behind the jerseys... it is kind of funny. Greg knows what a Favre fan I am. So last year for my birthday he bought me the Jets jersey. I never would have asked for it, but it was kind of fun. Really, the boys wear it mostly on games days:) Then this year I just had a feeling that the Vikings jersey was next and I was right. My dad is the only other one in the family that feels the same way about Favre as I do. So you can imagine the eyes rolling when Greg and I came down the steps to watch the Packers game last Sunday with the Jets and Viking's #4 jerseys on. It was pretty funny.
So we will see how it all plays out come Monday.... I think it will be a really good game. I bet some of you never knew I was a football fan. I actually love kicking back on a cool Sunday afternoon to watch some football. Now, don't get me wrong, I like watching one game not all 5 like the men of the house would love to do:)
Who is ready for some football?