Tuesday, October 20, 2009

VISITS WITH GRANDPARENTS

THE KIDS WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA HINTZ

JOJO IN SAMUEL'S GARDEN... NEXT TO THE "TODAY, TOMORROW, FOREVER'
PLANT THAT GRANDMA AND GRANDPA BROUGHT TO PUT IN THERE. JOJO AND GRANDMA SPENT LOADS OF TIME WEEDING THE GARDEN... AND IT LOOKS SO NICE NOW. SHE THANKED ME FOR LETTING HER WORK IN THERE... IT WENT UNSAID, BUT I THINK THAT SHE FELT CLOSE TO SAMUEL WHILE SHE WORKED IN THERE. I THINK SHE FELT JUST LIKE ME, THAT IN SOME SMALL, STRANGE, WAY, IT IS HOW WE CAN CARE FOR HIM EVEN THOUGH HE IS GONE.


JOJO'S PRIZE WORM:)

THE KIDS WITH GRANDPA AND GRANDMA BOTTOM

We have had a busy last week, but it was nice. I have REALLY needed the distraction. We decided last Monday that my in-laws would come last week. So we hurried and got in a full weeks worth of school before they arrived on Thursday...oh the beauty of homeschooling.
Beverly is a pretty motivated gal, and given my lack of motivation in the last year... it was so nice to have her here. When she came at the beginning of August we had bought shelving paper for my kitchen. It was still just sitting in a drawer when they came last week. She helped me finally get that done. The huge project we accomplished was switching out the boys bedroom with the extra bedroom. It was a BIG job. (Our church had given us a big baby shower before Samuel was born... we literally have had probably 20 packages of diapers and wipes packed in the extra bedroom closet since then... I just NEVER would have thought that we wouldn't have had a chance to use them by now. We were told back in Feb. that we should have a car seat ready because we were one of only 2 families in Tulsa that would accept biracial babies... but yet, here we wait almost 9 months later... what is God up to here? Well I guess that is for a whole other post...) Basically because we moved from up north where you have basements... let's just say our closets are full:)
I never could have gotten it done without her and Dad's help. I know I would have stopped midway when the mess was at it's worst... so it was a Huge blessing to have her help. And the rooms are in much better shape now. We had such a nice time with them here. Greg and I even got to go out on a much needed date. Thank you mom and dad for making the trip up to see us all.
We were able to introduce them to Grandma and Grandpa Bottom. We took dinner over to them on Sunday and as usual they sent us home with all sorts of goodies... It was hilarious Caleb went up to her and asked her if he could buy a jar of her apricot jam... of course she sent him home with one... so precious. She was so thoughtful, she sent the kids home with Christmas trees for their bedrooms and she has a tree for Samuel, all white with angels, and a beautiful nativity set that she always put by his tree. How incredibly kind and it just made me cry that she would even think of Samuel and to give us that to remember him with. They decided that they will move to Dallas to be by their kids, so they are clearing out. There were lots of tears that day at our house when we got that news. We will miss them so much. But we are so happy for them. If you think of it would you pray for them... especially for Larry's health and for God to sustain them as so much is changing for them.
I also could REALLY use your prayers. I have had a really rough couple of days, I know it all has to do with Samuel's birthday being around the corner next week. Last night I had it out with God, I know He already knows my anger so as I walked in the neighborhood in the complete darkness we had some talking to do. When I sat in Samuel's garden I think I realized for the first time that this is something that is mine and mine alone, my grief. I have struggled with the difference between Greg's grief and my own. I have always known it would be different, yet at times that angered me too. I just want him to feel my depth of pain and grief... But how can he, he didn't know Samuel intimately like I did for all of those months... he didn't carry and nourish and grow him for almost 10 months... he didn't love him the way a mother does with all of her being because Samuel was literally a part of me... he didn't feel him wiggle, kick, hiccup all of those months... he is a man and men feel things differently... Really as much as even some of my friends try to understand... I know they just can't unless you have lived it, you can't fully grasp all of the emotions and pain... this is a pain I must bear all my own except for sharing it with my fellow baby loss mamas. That hit me a little hard last night... I so badly want Greg to fully grasp it all, but even though Samuel was his too, he just can't truly understand how I feel. Even though he saw it as a dad and husband, it wasn't his body whose womb suddenly went still, his body that had to sit and wait knowing that it was carrying a dead child within, it wasn't his body that had to feel pain and push forth a deeply loved child that was just so still. It wasn't his body and it wasn't him. I want us to be united in it, but there is much he will never understand. So the realization that this is a pain that I will carry differently as a mom who misses her son deeply hit hard last night. Even though I have had better days the last few months, I still think about him all of the time. I still miss him intensely and really I don't think that will really ever go away fully. I know it will come and go probably throughout my whole life. I think it is coming to accept that grief and sorrow will always have a place in your heart that is REALLY HARD to accept. Now I know that some (trust me I have had it happen many times already) will be perturbed by that comment "that it will always have a place in my heart" But because they haven't experienced the loss of a child, they don't understand that you can have pain and sorrow in your heart and yet still have joy and gladness for the other things you are experiencing in life. I know God can heal and I think that he has...yet there is still much pain there. I will choose to be joyful even though my heart is still sad.... Thanks in advance for your prayers as we approach Samuel's heavenly birthday.
Ok, all that being said to ask for your prayers. I still am processing so much. I am anxious over what next Thursday and Friday will hold as those will mark one whole year since we knew Samuel was gone and since we held him in our arms. What I wouldn't give, even with all of the heartache, to go back and feel him alive inside of me, and to just be able to hold him again. This is just hard... Thank you for your prayers.



6 comments:

carlotta said...

Looks like you all had a great time! Are those "Grandma and Grandpa" Bottom on the last picture?

Carlotta

mom2many said...

I have so much I could say to you, but instead I will just continue to weep with you and pray for you. I wish we lived closer...

mom2many said...

Oh...P.S. We have a "Jacob" tree that our homeschool group bought us in memory of Jacob. It grows right outside our dining room window so we see it and remember him at each meal. I totally get it.

Rachel said...

Glad you had good visits with everyone!

You're heavy on my heart as I think about all you're feeling. I understand! I know that many people around me think that b/c Caleb's on his way, that I've moved past Felicity's death. I haven't and never will, like you said. We're planning on doing OCC shoeboxes and I'm going to do one for Felicity and I just know it's going to be painful, pioking out little girl stuff. Plus, until Caleb's screaming in my arms, I feel like there's so much uncertainty that he will join our family. I'm hoping he will, of course. So my heart aches even more for you Sara, since you've spent so much time this past year WAITING and feeling like nothing is happening.

All I can say is that nothing you're feeling is wrong. Do what you need to do to remember Samuel, even if it's messy crying sessions! Someday soon, you'll hold him in your arms again, of that I am sure!
Love,
Rachel

Tonya said...

I absolutely hate that I missed you tonight. You have been SO heavy on my heart today and tonight that I just can't explain it. The urge to call you was overwhelming. I resisted until I couldn't anymore. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and praying for you. I hope we can talk soon...

I wanted to have a garden in memory of my mom, and I never made one. I wanted to have one for Grady, and I never made one. Subconsciously, I think I'll kill everything that I plant and that would be worse. I do NOT have a green thumb! I'm so glad your MIL worked in Samuel's garden and got it looking beautiful again. What a healing and special place you've created in honor and remembrance of him.

I know exactly what you mean about your grief being your own. I feel that exact same way. No one else loved Grady as I did or knew him as I did, just as you said. How can I expect anyone else to grieve him as deeply and intensely as I do? Please know that while I don't know your exact grief for your Baby Samuel, as everyone is different, I know the grief that my heart feels for my Baby Grady and you're not alone.

Praying fervently for you my friend. Hang in there. He's carrying us these days...I fully believe that!

Love and (((hugs))),
Tonya

Marcie said...

I love that you have a garden specifically dedicated to Samuel. It was nice to see you tonight at group and know that I will be praying for you during this especially tough time of Samuel's one year birthday.