Sunday, October 4, 2009


On the way to church today...

Anna: Mama the speed limit here is 45 mph. (a little hesitation) Mama you are going 50 mph.

Me deciding to make this a teachable moment: So Anna which is faster, 45 mph or 50 mph?

Anna: 50 mph.

Me: How much faster is 50 mph than 45 mph?

Anna: A schniblet faster... (She is so her mothers daughter... is schniblet even a word? Whether it is or isn't is neither here nor there... it is totally a word I would use. )

Tonight while Jojo and I were going on a little walk... he was riding his bike...

Jojo: Mama scratch my forehead, I have an itch.

Me: (while he is still riding of course... I scratch his head) There Jojo how does that feel?

Jojo: Great Mama, I always thought it was a three head not a forehead...

I just had to sit there and think is this kid for real... but he was completely serious. These are the things that keep me going. We have had such an emotional few days.

The adoption seminar was great but quite emotionally exhausting for us. They did such a great job and it was really educational for us. They had lots of panel discussions the first of which was with a group of birth moms. (They also had panel discussions with grown adopted children, and with adoptive parents. These were so great to see all of it played out before you) It was so amazing... Wow, the sacrifice they make. All of them talked about how hard and incredibly painful it was for them to leave the hospital with out their baby. Oh how I could relate... It was gut wrenching listening to them. I just had a pit in my stomach. Obviously we are praying in earnest that the Lord would grant us a baby through adoption... we would love that baby soooo deeply just as if he/she came from my womb... but to think of truly leaving the hospital and taking another woman's baby knowing first hand for myself how she is feeling at that moment leaving herself with out the baby she carried for 9 months. I know she would be doing it willingly, out of love for her baby, to give her baby a life that she couldn't provide... but wow, it had the emotions churning for me that is for-sure. When the Lord chooses to bless us in that way... I will ALWAYS honor that birth mom, ALWAYS praise her for the sacrifice she made, ALWAYS be so incredibly grateful for her gift to us.

October has hit me hard. I never realized what a sensory person I am. But just with the cooler weather, the smells, it has the memories of last October so fresh on my mind. This is what I was trying to explain to Greg when we walked today... I don't think he really understood, and I know couldn't really relate... today was one of those days I was asking did we really suffer the same loss? We grieve sooooo differently. For most others, they have long ago moved on from the loss of Samuel, whether it is family or friends. For me there are the moments where I feel like I have lived a whole lifetime in the last year. But for the most part I remember the events of last October 29th and 30th as if they happened last week. Truthfully they are that vivid and that clear in my mind.

I remember the moment I KNEW something was VERY wrong. I remember pushing up on my belly and just feeling my son bouncing up and down onto my hand.... It was just a bounce... involuntarily, just from my push, no resistance from him. I knew it felt all wrong. I remember after telling the ultrasound tech, "You better get someone in her ASAP to tell me what is going on." Her 15 minutes later just peeking her head in the room, " I just wanted to let you know your doctor is on his way in, the ultrasound showed no cardiac activity in the baby." That was it, no I am sorry, no feeling, no emotion, just the words... no cardiac activity. She didn't even have the decency to come to my bedside... are you kidding me, I still can't believe it? I remember it all, every last detail of pushing out a lifeless baby... I remember hearing the crying and sniffles of the nurses, doctor and my husband... at that moment I don't think I had a tear left in me to cry... but an hour later they had replenished. I remember being in church 3 days later and hearing a newborn cry and right away my milk coming in. I remember hugging people at the memorial service being in so much pain.

The other morning I walked in my bathroom, and as I was walking across the cold tile... it sent me right back to last October... it was the weirdest thing... but I immediately felt that awful, cold, empty, despairing feeling that I had last fall when I felt my empty cold womb had betrayed me. I honestly didn't want to leave my room or my bed. But just walking on that floor put me right back there. I have NEVER had that happen before.

This all leaves me a bit worried about the next month. I kind of figured that once the one year date passed maybe it would be easier... but now I have a feeling I will be remembering afresh all that I was feeling so deeply right after we lost him. I think because most others have moved on, but yet my memories are still so fresh, the pain still fresh, it has this month feeling much differently than I would have anticipated. I knew it would be hard... but it has been harder than I expected already. I know I am going to need to be in constant prayer about it all and in God's word for comfort and reassurance. I would really appreciate your prayers if you think about it all. I just never would have expected to be here where we are. I really felt that maybe God would have performed a miracle and have allowed us to get pregnant with all the fertility help we had sought out this past year, or that he would have blessed us through adoption. I just never thought we would be HERE almost a year later. There we go again with having to wait on the Lord's timing:)

I had a great and much needed talk with my sister-in-law tonight about being refined and walking through the fire or fires that God might have for us. It is in that refining that we grow and learn to trust Him more... but at the same time the refining hurts, it isn't a comfortable process. Isaiah 48:10 says, Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. So as we still are in that refining fire, that furnace of affliction, I am praying for the Lord's work to be done in us. I want him to remove all of the impurities and change what need to be changed in us. I guess this is all a part of the process. From where we are right now it doesn't look so pretty. But I am praying for us to come out of the fire a beautiful creation He has made...

I hope this wasn't a total downer...
Do you see now, how those sweet, silly light hearted things that my kids say just lift my spirits... I so need them each day... they are just such a precious gift.


Rachel said...

I know what you mean, Sara, about the weather bringing you back to last fall and about how Greg can't always relate to what you are going through. It's also true here. Though yesterday, I think Paul was feeling much like I was, but was trying to stifle it. We had a "good" weekend though, redoing the landscaping and then yesterday celebrating Felicity. (Paul has to work on the 6th, so we did it on the weekend.) There were many tears on my part and Ethan's (who hasn't cried about Felicity in a long time.) I hope your kids confide in each other and you how they're feeling. Ethan doesn't really open up and say how he's feeling, I have to read into his behavior to know. I guess maybe that's typical for boys?

We did have plans to go to the cities on Tuesday, Felicity's actual birthday and go to a museum with my mom, but the boys are both sick (runny noses, sore throats), so I don't think we're going to be able to do that tomorrow. So, now I'm really glad we had our celebration yesterday.

I'm praying for you too, Sara. Thanks for being such a faithful friend with your prayers for me! I am blessed to have you in my life!

Molly Koop said...

It was interesting what you said about wondering if you and your husband had even experienced the same loss. Brendan and I recently had a discussion about that. I have been especially emotional lately (especially as Thanksgiving plans are underway already and I so clearly remember wondering if Henry's movements were slowing down on Thanksgiving.) Anyway, Brendan brought up a good point and that is that in some ways, he never met Henry before he died whereas I had known him SO intimately for those nine months he lived in my womb. Not that Brendan never felt his movements or talked to Henry, or saw him dance on the ultrasound. But really, although he lost his son, he hadn't known his son in the same way. And so in many ways, we moms have been given the gift of knowing our babies in this way, but in some ways that gift is what makes the pain so deep.
Thank you, Sara, for your openness. We will all pray each other through this difficult season.

Tonya said...

As usual, I related to all that you said. Fall has always been my favorite season, but it is hard this year. The memories of happiness and excitement of Grady this time last year are coming in with the cool air, but this year replaced with sadness and longing for my baby boy. I'm having more bad days than good again, and Gib doesn't understand it. He tries but he just doesn't "get it". We men and women do grieve so differently. I'm amazed at times how so many marriages survive such a loss. My girls' hugs and cute things they say definitely keep me going.

I was walking Buddy last night thinking how I would love to meet you soon. How neat it would be if we could plan a real-life meeting this fall... If only it were that easy!

I'm so thankful for you in my life. Your friendship has meant, and means, SO much to me! Praying for you that God will hold you close and comfort your broken heart as only He can.

Love and hugs!

Dulinfam said...

You are right. It feels like "okay God come on. You're soverign and all so where's the baby, where are you to fill this awful hole. How much longer must we wait."

I am so sorry Sara. That feeling is lonely and overwhelming and I felt like giving up. I completely understand. Many people judged me for the lack of faith they thought I had. Just made it worse. I still don't understand -

You are in my prayers every day.
See you soon........Julie Dulin