Wednesday, October 28, 2009

TO TURN BACK TIME...


FOR MONTHS IT WAS JUST TOO HARD TO LOOK AT ANY OF MY PICTURES FROM SAMUEL'S PREGNANCY... IT STILL IS SUCH A MIX OF EMOTIONS... TO THINK HE WAS ALIVE IN ME IN THESE PICTURES. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO GO BACK IN TIME AND FEEL HIM MOVING WITHIN ME AGAIN. I LOVED EVERY BIT OF BEING PREGNANT... I TREASURED ALL THOSE KICKS, WIGGLES, AND HICCUPS... EVEN THE BACK PAIN AND PUKING... IT IS ALL A PART OF THE MIRACLE AS GREG WOULD SAY:)
MY HEART LONGS TO EXPERIENCE IT AGAIN...
MY HEART LONGS TO REMEMBER SAMUEL'S LIFE WITH JOY, NOT SUCH HEARTACHE... WILL THAT EVER HAPPEN?
IT IS HARD NOT TO THINK... A YEAR AGO TODAY WAS MY DUE DATE IT WAS THE NIGHT THAT I LAST FELT HIM ALIVE WITHIN ME... LOTS OF MOVEMENT WHILE I SAT ON THAT COUCH... I EVEN LAUGHED AS I DREW GREG'S ATTENTION TO IT... LOTS OF MOVEMENT, BUT NOTHING THAT ALARMED ME IN THE LEAST...
IT IS HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE TRAUMA OF ALL WE EXPERIENCED IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS... REALLY WHEN I LOOK BACK IT ALMOST SEEMED LESS TRAUMATIC AT THE TIME THAN AS THE MEMORIES OF IT ALL, I WAS COMPLETELY IN SHOCK. I REMEMBER IT ALL VIVIDLY, EVERY LAST DESPAIRING DETAIL OF IT ALL... AND EVERY LAST BEAUTIFUL DETAIL OF IT ALL.
A PART OF ME WANTS TO REMEMBER IT ALL, THINK THROUGH IT ALL... GETTING THE NEWS THAT THERE WAS NO CARDIAC ACTIVITY, LABORING KNOWING THERE WOULD BE NO WONDERFUL REWARD AT THE END... JUST SADNESS, NURSES PRAYING OVER ME WHEN THE SOUNDS COMING OUT OF ME WERE UNRECOGNIZABLE, WHEN IT CAME TIME TO PUSH... JUST SAYING, "NO WAY, I CAN'T DO IT, I AM NOT READY FOR THIS", SAYING HELLO TO HIM, TELLING HIM OVER AN OVER AGAIN HOW MUCH WE LOVED HIM, INSPECTING EVERY DETAIL OF HIS BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT, BUT STILL, MOTIONLESS BODY, HANDING HIM OVER TO THE NURSE FOR THE LAST TIME...
BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW WHERE THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THAT WILL TAKE ME TO... A VERY DEEP DARK PLACE. BUT CRAZILY, I KNOW THIS WILL SOUND WEIRD, BUT THAT IS WHERE I FEEL CLOSE TO SAMUEL... SO IT FEELS GOOD TO BE THERE FOR A TIME. I JUST KNOW I CAN'T STAY THERE...
SO MANY MIXED EMOTIONS ALL AT THE FOREFRONT OF MY MIND... SO MANY PRECIOUS, BEAUTIFUL, YET GUT WRENCHING MEMORIES. I WANT TO HONOR HIS SWEET SHORT LIFE... I WANT TO HONOR MY PRECIOUS SON SAMUEL. THANKYOU FOR REMEMBERING HIM WITH ME.

15 comments:

Heather said...

Sara,

I am thinking and praying about, for and with you today. Remembering Samuel, beautiful sweet Samuel Mark Hintz today. Remembering checking your blog over and over again for news. And then...sobbing when we heard. Hurting with you and your family (in such a small degree compared to yours) as we worshiped in church the following day and sang, "You Never Let Go." God never lets go, Sara, and He is holding on to you with all of His might today.

God bless,
Heather

Lula said...

Dear Sara,
we also will never forget this day. When you called and arranged for a checkup we were sure we all would be laughing about it later and that everything would be just fine. We all were just sure to celebrate Samuel's birth very soon. And then we received the phone call ... without time to really get to know him like you did he was already taken to heaven. I will always be so thankful that I had the chance to hold him on this side of heaven too. He's waiting for you, Sara, like all my babies that had to leave this world way too soon. Trusting in God's loving kindness,
Lula

cheryl said...

Sara,
I am thinking about you so much today. We have not forgotton you or Samuel here in Wisconsin. As I am writing this, I have a terrible cold. Samuel is lucky. He is experiencing pure joy with His Savior! Happy one year in heaven Samuel.
Praying for you,
Cheryl

Christa said...

Sara,

You are in my thoughts and prayers today. Samuel is beautiful and will always be remembered.

Sending you hugs from Texas today!

Love,
Christa

Tonya said...

Thinking of you. Remembering Beautiful Samuel. Praying for you. Hoping you find some peace and have a beautiful time in all that you do to remembering your special baby boy.

With much love,
Tonya

thepipers said...

Hi Sara,

Could've written that post myself over and over at diffferent times during the past 2 years.

I wish I could just give you a hug today and cry with you.

Beth said...

Love you Sara. And we love our sweet nephew Samuel. Would he have been as crazy as Jo, or anything like Caleb or Louis. One day we will know. Praying for all of you and all that you will do these 2 days.
We send our love.
Beth

Dave said...

Sara,

The tears are dripping down my face as I write this... The pain we felt for you that day is just as real today as it was then.

I still think of you and Samuel every time I sing "Blessed Be Your Name". I can never make it through "You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name..."

We love you, Greg, and your family so much, and continue to pray for healing for all of you.

All our love,
David

Ellena said...

I've always felt close to your family and Samuel, because his due-date (today) is my birthday. I'll be praying for you in the next few days, God bless you!

Samantha said...

Sara, Greg, and kids,
Prayers and much love sent your way over the next couple of days. Love Samuel's little rose-bud lips, just precious and beautiful you guys. Looking forward to being reunited with our little ones in Heaven soon...Many hugs and prayers of grace and peace these days--love you, Sam and the Cecil Clan

Kaycee Deen Hopper said...

Thinking of and praying for you all often, but especially today. Remembering Samuel's sweetness!

Laura said...

What a beautiful belly. I pray that one day you will be able to look at your belly pictures with a smile on your face and in your heart. I can understand the mixed emotions. It took me a while to be able to remember my pregnancy with Mya with good memories, and with a smile. There's still always a bit of hurt when I look at those pictures, but I am able to enjoy them again.

Corie said...

Sara...with tears pouring down my face I want you to know I am lifing you in prayer. The words on here are so descriptive...so complete...so filled with sorrw! I understand them all...thinking of you often.

Ebe said...

love you Sara. Thinking of and missing sweet little Samuel today.
Praying for comfort that only our Father can give.

love,
ebe

Casadeboggs said...

We're praying for you, precious Hintz family. We remember that beautiful baby boy, Samuel Mark and how his short little life has made an impact on this side of heaven. It was so nice to visit with you last night and I'm looking forward to seeing you in person. I especially pray for you this weekend and and I think what you have planned is so, so special. The Boggs bunch loves you guys, and again I say we're praying boldly for the Lord to work His mighty hand.