Thursday, October 15, 2009


I wonder for how long will I have this literal ache in my chest.
I wonder when I will be able to hold a baby again.

I wonder how long I will have to swallow the lump in my throat.
I wonder when the leaves are going to start changing here in OK, I miss the fall colors of Wisconsin.
I wonder if I will ever love large crowds like I used to.
I wonder if I am permanently now just a small crowd kind of gal.
I wonder if I will ever be able to "just" make small talk with people.
I wonder when I will be truly comfortable with the "new me".
I wonder if God will ever bless us with another biological child.
I wonder if God will ever bless us with an adopted child.
I wonder how the loss of the past year will affect my kids long term.
I wonder how close to walking Samuel would have been had he lived.
I wonder what he is doing right now.
I wonder what his birthday will be like, full of joy, full of sorrow, probably both.
I wonder if I will always feel like I have had an amputation of part of my heart.
I wonder why people are so stinking uncomfortable with death... don't they realize that adds to the grief the grieving person feels.
I wonder why some people are STILL afraid to mention my son's name... I still love, love, love to hear it.
I wonder if Caleb's soccer team will win any games this fall... he did score again last weekend.
I wonder when I will get on top of all the clutter in my house.
I wonder if we will ever do anything with Samuel's ashes... they are still just in my closet. I think we need to look at something permanent to put them in... I think I just want to keep him here at home with us.
I wonder if we will get a new trampoline... ours is now in ahhhh.... 30 pieces in the garage after the wind picked it up and twisted and tore it apart in a recent storm... big bummer.
I wonder if I will ever be able to express my gratitude fully to those few dear friends and family members who have hung with me, prayed for me, consistently and constantly checked up on me, loved me where I have been in my grief, validated my feelings, and truly cared for me this past year.
I wonder why some feel like they are the expert in grief even though they have NEVER had a loss.
I wonder if Samuel will ever be a big brother... waiting is so hard.
I wonder what God will do through all this long term... I want to see the big picture and I don't want this pain wasted, I want Him to use it for His glory and to proclaim His power, not my own...
I wonder why WE were chosen to walk this road.
I wonder what we will name our new outdoor kitty that we may get... want to get the mice out of the garage.
I wonder if we will have any company for Thanksgiving or Christmas or if we will be celebrating with just our little family.
I wonder about the future God has planned for our family.

I wonder sooo sooo many things. Sometimes my head is so full of wondering... I hope through all this wondering I am learning something.... something about me... something more about my Savior...something more about the love of my husband and family...


Rachel said...

Wondering and waiting...such unfun places to be. I'm praying for you as Samuel's Heaven birthday is approaching and know you're probably feeling more than seems humanly possible to handle right now.

I pray God allows many of these wonderings to become realities!

Tonya said...

I wonder many of these same things. As I read this, I was saying to myself, "Me too" for almost every line. A great post to truly let us know your heart and what's going on inside of you right now.

I am so thankful for you and your friendship, I cannot even begin to express it in words. I think about you and pray for you every day. You are heavy on my heart as Samuel's heaven day is just around the corner. My heart aches for the excitement that filled our homes just one year ago...

I saw the baby at the preschool today who is just one week younger than Grady would be. I was talking to his mom as she held him. I kept swallowing hard and smiling as much as I could to fight back the tears. I longed for Grady SO much in that moment!

My heart aches and breaks for you. For Greg. For your children. For the longing of Samuel to be in your arms again. Even though in our minds we know our babies are in the most wonderful place possible, our hearts just haven't caught up yet. And I'm beginning to wonder when and if they will ever even come close.

Praying for you. Remembering Samuel and Baby Joel today.