We are all broken...

Let's be honest...
That right there is a hard thing... sometimes easier for some than others...

I am not a pessimist... we have a wonderful life... but in all honesty, it wasn't all that long ago when there were days that I wasn't sure I would survive...
TRULY...
I wasn't sure I wanted to survive...
And if I am totally honest, there are still days that my heart aches for my baby boy and I long more for Heaven than the day that is ahead of me...
These days now are few and far between now... but still present...

But being in ministry as a pastor's wife, leading an infant loss support group, I hear and see first hand many with broken hearts ALL THE TIME...

Having just experienced the blessing of Kaliyah and seeing the sorrow and pain of her birth mother as she handed over this precious little bundle she loved, showed me afresh the huge amount of brokenness that loads of people are dealing with daily...

Your brokenness might come from a place of abuse, abandonment, an area of sin that you are in bondage to, a bad job situation, the loss of a loved one, depression, addiction, loneliness, your own bad choices, dealing with someone else's bad choices, serious illnesses, battles of the mind...
I could go on and on...
Some of them could be things that maybe we had a part in creating... but most probably are areas that are really just a cross that we have to bear (ours by no action on our own part) and a result of sin being a part of this world...

Some of these areas of brokenness might be something that is bearable, a burden that you carry but that you realistically can carry in this life and still function...

Others areas of brokenness are all consuming... Really they may have you in a place of survival... I have been there... not a good place to be at all...

Could the Lord heal us of these thorns in our sides instantly... FOR SURE... does He still heal in this way today... I believe He can and does... but it doesn't always seem to work that way... Some times He heals instantly... Sometimes He heals slowly over time... Sometimes He uses modern medicine... Sometimes He uses things we may never suspect... And sometimes He heals us in Heaven...

I really do believe that these areas of brokenness, while in the moment may seem impossible and unbearable, are areas that the Lord is going to use in amazing, inconceivable ways if you let Him... But yes, I know that it takes time to get to that point in the healing process...

And in all honesty, I meant what I said... we are all broken in one way or another... I wouldn't ever judge you in your brokenness... I wouldn't judge why you are broken and I would pray that you would do the same for me and others... not judge...

There is nothing worse than feeling judged in your hurt, when you are already hurting and in need of great healing...

I have a precious friend from the state we previously lived in that was involved in the same home school coop with me...

She was amazing... We opened our hearts to each other and she was never afraid to mention Samuel's name, check in with me regarding how I was feeling, and was a listening ear, always able to make me laugh.  She was also going through a particular  time of brokenness... Very few there knew what was going on for her outside the doors of our coop... but I did... I am sure she didn't share all the hard unbearable details with me, but oh the prayers that were offered up for her family during this time... I knew they had sought help from doctors all over the country... Then on top of all of that she lost her dad very suddenly... talk about hard...

I have so much love and respect for her... I love that she has shared their story... I love that she is being open and honest about a part of their story that isn't easy to share... This is HUGE and could bless others in a HUGE way...
She and her son recently shared a video about a type of therapy that has been a huge blessing to her, her son, and as a result her whole family... It has changed their lives... I wanted to share her video because if there is anything that might help another person in a similar situation I would love for others to experience healing in one way or another... I believe it offers great hope for the future...

Please watch when you have a free moment... I am so touched that they shared their story to help others who are going through the struggles of mental illness...


Hayden from BMC Ferrell on Vimeo.

Here are just a few words from my sweet friend Michelle about sharing this video...
Someone asked me if they could share and yes, that's totally fine. It's our goal to share our story so that we can bring awareness not only to NF, but also to the struggle of living with mental health disorders and the lack of modern medicine's ability to truly cure the brain. Mental health disorders carry such a negative stigma, and unless we educate, people who struggle will continue to be labeled. 


I am so touched that they shared their story to help others who are going through the struggles of mental illness... I do not deal with depression on a regular basis, but it is something I struggled with after losing our son in 2008... My heart goes out to those that struggle in this area...

Here is a link to learn more about neuro feedback...

http://www.abundantlivingneurofeedback.com/

I would love to see people showing deep love, care, and concern for all who struggle with illnesses of any kind... I am so thankful that God can use so many different ways to help and heal us...

Why MEND exists...

This is a text I received yesterday morning... Our monthly MEND infant loss support group meeting was the night before and I wasn't able to lead due to still being in Arizona.  I am so grateful for the ladies that assist me and help these hurting families along side of me... It means so very much to me... I have a passion for MEND because it was a lifeline to me after Samuel died...not all of these ladies experienced MEND for themselves after their own losses but have so graciously allowed God to use the deepest pain of thier hearts to minister to others...here is the text... It was from a gal who delivered her still born son a week ago and was at MEND for the first time...

 I didn't share this with you last evening but as ------- was leaving she thanked me and said how good this was for her to come. She asked if she could hug me. Her parting words were "I don't like the club but I have really enjoyed the people. Thanks for letting me see past a few weeks, to a few years and more"..... I think that sums up what or who we are, what we hope to offer. Thought you would enjoy this.

Oh yes, can I relate to that... I remember my first MEND meeting 3 weeks after the still birth of Samuel at 40 full weeks.  I remember feeling like I would never survive this and there they were... ladies 6 months out,  1 year out,  4 years out from their loss. There they were still remembering that precious child, yet very much alive and even thriving after a devastating loss.  It gave me HOPE!! 

This is a gift to me... To know that God doesn't waste our pain... He uses it ALL  when we let him... Thank you Jesus for using and bringing something beautiful from the broken places of our lives...

Beautiful day celebrating our boy...

ALWAYS remembered...

ALWAYS loved...

ALWAYS missed...

ALWAYS treasured...

We had a beautiful day celebrating the precious life of our Samuel !  

7 WHOLE years closer to Heaven!!!

7 years closer to heaven...

Louis and his baby brother...
The beautiful love of a big brother... What a protector he would have been for Samuel... Strong, faithful, big brother... 

Two  of the hardest, most traumatic, and most beautiful days of my life...

The day we found out you were already with your Creator... 10-29-08

And the day we got to hold your precious body in our arms... 10-30-08

One of my favorite pictures... always will be... my first 5 children... 

These beautiful faces and these hard feelings and emotions felt by all of us seared into my memory...

Just look at their eyes... 

The sweetest, most loving big sister ever... Oh the love and pride that was flowing out of her that day... not a hint of fear... just love... Kiss right on his lips... 

I wanted him in my arms... But so did she... So did all of us... 

And so passed the 4 hours and 50 minutes we had him in our arms... As Samuel's body was passed from one loving set of arms to the next... 

A lifetime of kisses given...

A lifetime of love felt...

A lifetime only lived in my womb...

And all of our lives changed forever...

Samuel Mark Hintz

9lb. 2 oz. 

He was perfect, except for the places where his skin was already loosening up... 

Beautiful ruby red lips,  full cheeks,  sweet round face, full head of hair.  God was showing off when He made Samuel... he was so handsome... 

There is nothing like going through the fire to see what your relationships are made of...

Some crumble... some thrive... some surprise you... Some don't surprise you at all... 

But this man... I believe God knew fully how the depth of how this loss would affect me... and He gave me the perfect partner to walk through sorrow and suffering with... 

Ever patient, ever loving, ever present, ever faithful, ever kind, ever prayerful in the darkness of night for my heart, my mind and thoughts, and my physical life... thank you God for giving me a man that didn't rush me... 

Sweet baby lover Caleb... Oh how excited he was to meet his baby brother... A boy who still to this day, holds his emotions in check... 

I will never forget Samuel's first birthday in Heaven... 

We watched the video that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer made for us... 

We were hunkered down on the couch under our Samuel blanket (the one hand tied by 4 families that we were close to at the Seminary, each tie of the blanket tied while praying over our kids and family as a whole... What a beautiful sacrifice of time and love for us... still blows me away:)

Caleb was just quiet, so quiet... All I said was, "It is ok to cry Caleb..." 

And oh the tears that flowed... 

You love big... You hurt big... 

And there is not a thing wrong with that... 6 years ago and even now... 

I know God hand picked the photographer that spent time with us that day... Kaycee Deen Hopper.
She was kind, loving, and captured all the details of Samuel... I had no idea the magnitude of her gift to us that day... How often I would pour over each picture... 

What a gift... Some of the only pictures of our son... 

Besides the totally tactless nurse who peeked her head in my hospital room to tell me, "Your doctor is on his way, there is no cardiac activity in your baby..." 

Ahhhh... wait a minute, not even the care to come to my bedside and make sure I understood fully what those words meant... or a statement of sympathy... Nope... Just the quiet words as she peeked around the door into my room and she was gone...

And there we were left to pick up the pieces...

Actually more like to feel the pieces of our shattered hearts coming undone...

But besides her, my nurses during labor were nothing short of amazing... I know they were sent specifically by God for me... Praying for me when I didn't think I could go on another minute... Calling on the Holy Spirit for comfort... 

They knew what I really needed, more than what I knew...

And so it is when you know you are going to have to hand over one of your greatest gifts in life... 

You breath in deep... smell his scent... You unwrap and lay them bare to take in every inch and try to sear it into your memory forever...

You hold them close cheek to cheek, lips to lips, soft skin to tear streaked skin... 

knowing this is all you have... right now... And once you hand them over...

They are gone... forever... this side of Heaven....

Little toes just like daddy... curved outward... 

Dark hair like Louis and Caleb, round face like Anna, full body like Jojo... 

He was amazing... 

After waiting so long to see him... I was beaming with pride, yet heart broken beyond what I ever thought possible... 

Even now, tears fall... Oh what I would give just to hold his 7 year old little boy body in my arms... Oh to smell his scent again... Oh to hear his voice call out, "mama", oh to see the love his siblings have for him played out in real time,  oh to watch him behave like a rascal just like the rest of the kids,  oh to realize what he would look like at 7, oh to have a heart that doesn't bear the scars of losing a child, Oh to have all of my kids with me...

Could I do it... Wish for it to be any different than it is right now? For all of the reasons above.... Yes...

But realistically, For his sake, Samuel's sake, Could I wish for him to be in this broken world instead of completely healthy and whole in Heaven... Not a chance...

God sees that big picture... right from the start... 

For Us, when we are in the throws of sorrow and suffering... All we see if the deep darkness surrounding us... All we feel is the painfulness of the separation in this life... 

But slowly, the further you step away from that broken broken place, you see the darkness and the light... 

You feel the joy and the pain... all at once sometimes...

You see the broken pieces of your heart being planted by the creator and new green life emerging...

A life that NEVER  would have been possible with out the beautiful precious life of Samuel... but also would NEVER have been possible with out the devastating loss of that same precious boy... 

How do I resolve all of this in my mind, now 7 years later?

I constantly surrender it... to His ALMIGHTY will and plan... 

I recall God's faithfulness through it all because I truly have seen it, felt it and known HIS love and faithfulness in a way I never did before... 

I feel what I need to, when I need to... 

I open my heart to allowing God to continue to use His BEAUTIFUL gift of Samuel in any way He chooses... 

And I thank HIM again and again for every single second I had with our 5th born...

 I cherish the memories... 

 I keep his memory alive for His siblings... 

 I thank God for the lessons I have learned about others, myself, my God, and real love...

 I value Samuel's life, every bit of it only lived in my womb.  

As deeply as I have hurt... I would not for a second change, the gift of carrying Samuel and losing him a day after my due date... Truly... I wouldn't... 

It has taken a lot of time... And even as I remember through tears... I remember with great great joy as well... I am so thankful God chose me to be Samuel's mom... 

Today and tomorrow we will celebrate his beautiful life... We will eat cake, proclaim God's faithfulness to us in the past year, as we decorate the cake, like we do every single year. We will release balloons, we will spend the afternoon remembering and being together as a family... 

Samuel Mark Hintz, you are God's gift to us... You have changed us, given us a new perspective on life.. Your life has grown in us new passions and purpose... 

You are remembered ALWAYS...

 thought of EVERY single day... 

Your life is valued and treasured...

 And you are LOVED SO DEEPLY... 

7 years closer to heaven and seeing you again Sweet boy... 

What kindness...

This came in the mail a couple of days ago...

It is titled ...

A mommies love goes with you...

And oh, that is so true... 

I will never forget the moment I handed Samuel over for the last time to Greg, who handed him to the nurse...

She so tenderly put him in the bassinet and wrapped a paper looking cover around him... Put a sticker on the front of it to keep it closed and walked out the door pushing the bassinet in front of her...

And just like that... My son, in the physical sense, was gone from my life forever...

This sweet gift came from a friend who has walked the same journey of stillbirth and infant loss...

She knows...

 She has her own story of saying goodbye to her precious daughter emily before she ever wanted to...

What a beautiful kind gesture to know he isn't forgotten by others outside of our family... Even now almost 7 years later!

This blessed my heart today... It literally ripped my heart out as I can not believe for a second that I have been apart from Samuel for almost 7 years... That pain still cuts deep...

I am more reflective and contemplative for sure as I walk through the motions of these days... I just can't help it... And no matter what, October is hard... The end of the month harder...

But at the same time... It blesses me to look back and treasure my time with him... To feel it all...  To remember... 

I am thankful today for kindness, friends, and that I don't walk this journey here alone...

I have dear sweet friends that walk with me... And most importantly, a savior who is right beside me or carrying me when needed...

 Despite the hurt... 

He is still SO GOOD!

Christmas isn't always easy or joyfilled... when your heart is hurting...

My heart has an ache in it and is heavy...

Heavy for all the new families that have joined our MEND group in the last 2 months...

Heavy for all of those that are struggling because the holidays and Christmas are hard when  piece of your heart is in Heaven...

Heavy for a precious 10 grader from our old church school who lost her mom in 3rd grade and whose dad is critically ill in the hospital and not expected to live... from what I have been told...
(Could you imagine being 15 and potentially with out parents???  My heart just absolutely breaks for her... she didn't have any siblings either... ) I see kids like this all the time in uganda... but not here... I am so very sad for her...

Would you please pray for Emily... that if God sees fit for her dad's life to be spared that it would be... for strength for her and comfort for her heart... for people to raise up and surround her fully in your love... That if he does pass that God has the perfect family for her to be a part of...  She really could use the prayers of God's people.

I remember that first Christmas after Samuel died, and the truth be told... I kind of was hoping Christmas could just slip right passed us... That of course didn't happen...

 It was hard as a different mom, dad and newborn baby played Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus in the church program... ( We were assigned those roles before Samuel was born)

It was hard trying to shop for the other kids, listen to Christmas music,  or cook a Christmas meal when really that all seemed so insignificant in the big picture of grief and sorrow.

If you have someone that you know that has had a loss recently or if you know anyone that is hurting this Christmas, please reach out lovingly  and tenderly to them ... please approach the throne of grace lifting them up to the Father...

Special memories...

It was a beautiful day to send up messages to our little man...

The little guys totally got into releasing balloons this year... The 3 littles chased them all the way across the field as they lifted off... It was really sweet!

What a special day we had yesterday celebrating Samuel's precious life... We all went and saw Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Day.   (our tradition each year to go see a family movie) 

Oh my goodness did we all laugh... It was really cute:) We had the theatre all to ourselves except for one gentleman in the back with his phone out the whole time... We joked that maybe he was pirating the movie... That part was kind of weird.... But we had a great time...

This year as we decorated Samuel's cake I was so thankful to the Lord for the growth of the older kids... Of course from the little kids, we got lots of precious or funny things that they were thankful for... But for the older kids, I am amazed at how insightful and thoughtful they were...

Evidence that God really has used Samuel's sweet life in their lives...

My prayer has always been that somehow the Lord would use all that my kids went through (losing their brother Samuel, the stillbirth of Joel that we were going to adopt just 8 mos later, a miscarriage, and an iffy adoption) in those early years of our losses to make them more compassionate, tenderhearted, and bold to reach out to others especially when someone else experiences a loss of some kind... Thank God He is answering those prayers... I see them do or say things often, that never would have been said had it not been for the Lord working through these hard things to refine and grow them all... I am so thankful for that!

Here is what my sweet Louis posted on facebook yesterday... It warms my heart to see and hear how he feels about his brother Samuel in Heaven... 

6 years... 72 months... 2,191 days... 52,584 hours... 3,155,040 seconds... Since I've seen your precious face, since I've held your tiny hands, since we've been together. It seems so long yet so short at the same time. I miss you so much and think of you all the time. I wish you could be here so I could teach you how to play soccer. I wish you could be here so I could take pictures of your cute chubby face. I wish lots of things, but they aren't things for this life. God had a different plan for our lives! I know one day I'll see you again, and boy oh boy will that be a glorious day! I love and miss you so so so much lil bro! Until that beautiful day when I see you again! Samuel Mark Hintz 10/30/08

 — with Caleb Hintz and 2 others.

There were those... thank God for those....

With any anniversary comes strong memories... especially when it comes to spending the one and only day with the little one that you carried for close to 10 months...

I seem to do a lot of thinking while I run... This week that thinking has been on my boy... my sweet Samuel...

So with the running and the memories inevitably come the tears... boy that can get ugly... at least for any passersby... it kind of makes me laugh just to think of how it all must look...

Of course there are the precious memories of that day... taking in every single little bit of him that I could absorb in my mind... How I wish I could have multiplied that time with him by 1,000... It was painful and so beautiful all at the same time...

Yesterday Anna hit the nail on the head when in her writing journal she wrote, "I kept trying to take him away from my mom because I wanted to keep holding him."  She did!  Boy was it hard to balance letting everyone have a chance with their brother and me just wanting him the whole time in my arms...

My biggest regret... not have the wear with all in my mind to stay at the hospital till my mom got there to see and hold him... Why I thought it was a good idea to say our goodbyes and hand him over and then drive to the airport to pick her up is still beyond me... Why someone didn't say, "She will want to see him."  Heck, why we didn't turn around and go back to the hospital for her to see him... His body was there in the refrigerator just waiting for the funeral home... I honestly, can't beat myself up over it... You do the best you can in the shock of what you are experiencing, but it still makes me sad and angry...

Of course a million things run through my mind as I was running this week...

The incredible pain of the loneliness I felt that first year... on top of my grief...
The struggle to get through the days with my living kiddos...
The many times insensitive things were said, or done (for example the sweet grandma who just couldn't contain herself my first night back at church less than 2 weeks later and had to gush and show me all the pictures of her new grand baby... knife to the heart!)  Truly, she is more than forgiven... :)

(My sweet Anna, so tenderhearted...)

(One of my all time favorite pictures... no fear of death...  no uncomfortableness... only true, deep love for her little brother... and she wanted to show it!)

 I was going to write out some of those hard hard things that daily made my life hard, really made Sundays the hardest day of the week for me...

Instead I wanted to share with you the beautiful precious things and people who made such a difference in the early days of my sorrow and loss... Their actions, stepping out of their comfort zones to do what must have been hard is so remembered by me... I know I will forget many and my intention isn't to make anyone ever feel bad... These are just the things that have popped into my head today as I remember my son...

(Inspecting every detail of my little guy)

There are those...

There were those nurses who prayed over me during labor when I couldn't go on... Thank you Lord for the bible belt... they were the two sweetest nurses ever...

There are those friends who put their boots on with their umbrella in hand, to stand with me in the falling rain of the early storms of sorrow... (you know who you are!)

There is the friend who barely knew me who asked, "Do you want to talk about him or would you rather not?"  You gave me the chance to share him with others... I SOOOOO needed to do that... I wanted his precious life shared...

There are those family members who drove hours arriving late into the night to share their love and gifts of music at His memorial service... Then driving through the night home... your sacrifice was precious to me... His service was exactly as I would have wanted it!

There are those total strangers to me who at my brothers church laid hands on me and prayed for the healing of my heart... That hadn't happened at our church and oh how I had needed that from day one and they supplied a need abundantly... Thank you Jesus!

There is the family member who said to me, "Take as long as you need!" and he meant it... healing nonjudgmental words from his heart... Never to be forgotten!"

There is the friend, who after noticing the kids and I weren't at our home church for two months, just took it upon herself to drive over, sit at the computer and pour over pictures of Samuel with me... I will NEVER forget it... she cared, she went out of her way to be Jesus in the flesh to me... I don't know when I might have returned without her...

There is the friend who consistently prayed for the rain of God's healing to flood my soul and stood with me in God's perfect plan for our family... Boy this friend got the "crazy" calls from me... and again and again reassured me that "I would be ok... she would feel the same way... and what I was feeling and thinking was normal"... What would I have done with out you sweet Nebraska friend???

There were the packages sent by dear family of my favorite fruit, pomegranates, and my favorite cookies just to make sure I felt loved and I did...

There was the sweet older lady who become our Oklahoma grandma to our kids... she too had lost a daughter... the conversations are precious to my heart that we shared...

There were those new "baby loss mamas" that became dear friends who lent so much support as we walked this new road together...

There were prayers offered hand in hand by sweet out of town friends when they would visit... Just what my heart needed at that time...

There was the calls from a few friends, truly that I didn't know super well from out of town, that made a point to call me... I didn't have the energy or strength to make many phone calls myself, but I so needed someone to talk to on the days she called... God knew...

There was the sweet elderly couple who called to bring dessert, we invited to dinner, and stayed asking to see what he looked like...They stayed for hours...  My heart was so touched... a special bond was shared...

There were those that drove to us to spend special weekends and holidays with us knowing we were alone and needed company that loved and knew us...

There was the friend, I hadn't talked to in years that upon hearing the news called me right away to let me know how much she cared and how sad she was...

There were those at MEND who lovingly remembered honored and valued our sons life with us... And gave me hope that I would heal in time...

There were those who even meeting the first time shed tears over our story of loss... I knew I had just found a dear friend right in that moment... Thank you Jesus!

There were those that celebrated his first birthday in Heaven with us... lovingly knowing we may cancel at any minute, but were game to share memories, tears and love...

There was the friends that God sent to care for our kids while we delivered Samuel.  The wife was the one and only person we knew to see my Samuel and shares such a special piece of my heart knowing that at least someone else we know and loved held that precious boy in their arms... God knew and ordained mighty plans to place us in the same city...

(Brothers then... today... forever!)

Truly, being in a new place made my grief so hard and lonely but I know God had big plans he laid in my heart to even in that loneliness weave a compassion in my heart for people to not have to grieve alone...

To focus on all the beautiful things people did for us... those friends near by and mostly those who made a point to do it from afar brings my heart great joy today...

It is a beautiful thing to see the body of Christ be the body... especially when it takes great effort from a distance...

They had to make even more of an effort and it didn't go unnoticed... Their love for Jesus and our family stretched across the miles to my broken heart and showed me our family was worth the effort to love, support and care for in our hardest days...

Beautiful ruby red lips of our Samuel Mark... Forever loved... Forever missed...

6 years closer to Heaven

My precious 6 year old Samuel...

Six years closer to Heaven, my boy, and six years closer to you...

What does six years with out you look like for me?

I miss you...

There are days when Levi repeats my name, "mom...mom...MOM...MOM...MOM!!!" before he can get the next word out and I wonder if that is God's precious way of blessing my heart... to hear a sweet little boy call me mom again and again... because you never were able to...

I miss all that you would be to us in the day in and day out of busy family life...

My heart hurts for Jojo who I know feels the loss of you daily... he may not even realize it... but he is lonely at times... a lot of times... I KNOW, that had you lived, you would be his right hand man... and there probably would be very little lonliness in his days...

Your sweet sister Anna still asks why you couldn't stay here with us... She still plays songs on the piano and sings about you... Oh you would have loved the way she would have played with you and helped take care of you... But yet I know for you... Heaven is SO much better...

I miss just being able to cuddle you, feel your sweaty soft head next to mine... curl your fingers around mine on family walks, watch you learn how to ride a bike for the first time, start big boy school as a kindergartener, and rough house with the little ones...

I my minds eye... you would have dark hair, be sort of slight in build, be on the quiet side, but yet have a good dose of the rascal in ya... just like every single one of your siblings... 

I know you would make me laugh... just like the rest of them...

Not a day goes by that this mama's heart doesn't feel the weight that you aren't here with us... I rejoice for you my precious boy... but on earth it still hurts... the memories run deep and don't really ever fade of that single day we actually got to hold you in our arms... I don't ever want them to... But tonight in bed I realized I couldn't remember your smell... at all... that made me sad...

As much as there is still a sadness and a deep missing and longing for you... I praise God that with that He has brought my heart great joy at your memory...


How perfectly the Lord knit you together... all 9 lb. 2 oz of you... Your sweet soft head of dark hair, your funny curved little toes, the fuzz by your ears, your full cheeks... every last bit of you... I loved carrying you inside of me for all 40 weeks... As sick as I was at times, as BIG as I became... I treasured it... You were a part of me... you were an important part of our family... You still are, That won't EVER change...

But you  changed us...

You changed me... (maybe in some ways that others still haven't gotten used to... maybe I haven't even gotten totally used to it:) And as hard as change can be... I welcome it... It means you lived... you were here for 40 weeks and 1 day and your life mattered so much!  Because of you I now do things maybe I never dreamed I would... God has strengthened me because of your short but precious time with us...

I would go back and do it all again in a heart beat... All 40 weeks and 1 day of pregnancy... just to hold you in my arms again...

And I would go back and do the hard part all over again too... Today 6 years ago, the day I realized you were gone... Tomorrow 6 years ago, the day I gave birth to you still and silent in my arms, my precious son... and the very lonely road of grief that followed... I would do it all again , just to see you in your dad, sister, and brother's arms...

I trust the Father so completely with the plan He had for your life... the number of days He ordained for you in my womb... But in my humanness there is a longing just to have you here... to have the whole family together...

You are loved more and more... your life is valued and treasured more and more... and you are missed so deeply my sweet fifth born...

My precious Samuel...

When you first died people tried to comfort me with the fact that I would see you again in Heaven...

 But in all honesty, in my shock and despair HEAVEN SEEMED JUST TOO FAR AWAY...  What if I lived to be 80?  Heaven was still 40 some years away.... Too long...

It just took a little time and healing to where Heaven brings my heart GREAT JOY!!

Whether I live 10 more minutes, months, years or more... I can see and feel we are getting closer and closer  to that beautiful reunion with each passing day...

Six years closer to Heaven, my boy... 

Six years closer to meeting my savior face to face...

And Six years closer to you.... 

A God appointment...

Yesterday I was blessed to spend the day exploring Chicago with the ladies from the Dallas chapter of MEND.

(Seeing as how we have only lived here 1 year and only have made it downtown on 1 occasion, I was a terrible hostess... I have no idea how to use the train system, where anything is located or even what are the best ways to get around... We figured it out, but I felt bad that I could offer no direction whatsoever... :) I think the deep dish pizza we all had at midnight made it all better:)

Truly, we had a great time...

Unfortunately, the founder of MEND Rebekah ended up not feeling well which had delayed our start to getting into the city... We were so glad that later in the day she was up to giving exploring Chicago a try...

We hit Portillos for some famous Chicago Style hot dogs...
We hit Navy Pier for a ride on the Ferris wheel...
We hit the sky deck at the Willis tower (yes that is the ledge that cracked just a few weeks back... and yes... it is TOTALLY freaky standing on a clear ledge 103 stories up in the air:)

We were on our way to Millennium park to see the bean when we decided to stop in at Fannie May for the Dallas girls to buy some Chicago chocolate...

As we were checking out, the checker, a sweet young gal, I would guess no older than 20, waited on us...  She commented on the purple sweatshirts some of the girls were wearing, and asked if they were breast cancer sweatshirts.

One of the girls explained that no, we were actually a part of a support group called MEND that was for women who had lost babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death... We told her about the group that we just started here in the Chicagoland area this week...

She sort of had a blank look on her face and asked, "Why would you do that??"  It was sort of an odd question that seemed to have more meaning behind it... And of course one of us shared that we had all indeed lost babies either to stillbirth or hours after birth.

Our director asked... "Do you know anyone who might have lost a baby?"

"I might..." was her reply and then she sort of quickly disappeared...

Immediately our director thought it was her that had lost a child...
We scrambled to find a business card with some MEND info on it... but ended up not having any, and found a Fannie May card to write our website, my email and number on it.

When she came back she had to wipe away tears... I just reached out and asked if she was ok... and another of our gals quickly gave her a hug...

She indeed had lost her twins just last year...
What a God appointment... to meet this precious young girl... We visited for a few minutes assuring her that the feelings that she was having were indeed normal and ok to have.  We invited her to group and to sign up for the newsletter. My heart just ached for her... it just felt as if this was one of the first times she had felt free to talk about them.

She has been heavy on my heart.

My prayer is that she somehow will reach out to MEND... even if she can not ever make it out to group... that she would feel the Love that God really has for her, that she would know the support that comes from sharing the burden she feels, and that she would know that she doesn't have to walk this journey alone...

I am so thankful that the Lord placed this precious young lady right in our path yesterday... What a sweet God appointment...

finally picked a spot... and Return to Zero...

It has been on my heart since we moved here to get our Samuel garden planted...

We finally picked the perfect spot beneath this beautiful flowering tree.  

It is further along than pictured here, we are getting there... mulch is down, some flowers and plants planted, but we still have work to do... :)

It feels so good to have started on it... Our Samuel Garden in Oklahoma was so special to me... not really just a place to go and remember him, but since we don't have a cemetery to visit it is sometimes just nice to have a quiet place to sit and think on him and the beautiful short life God gave him with us...

And think on him I have been doing a lot lately... The kids and I spent last Saturday up at my parents and we watched the premiere of Return to Zero with some of my nieces, my sister in law, and my parents.  

I was so thankful to be able to watch it with them.  WOW... I am so thankful that someone tackled making a film about such a hard subject,stillbirth.  (Minnie Driver has said in an interview I saw, that we as people are willing to watch movies where people are blown apart, women abused, and so much more... it was time someone tackled this subject and give support to a group of people that deserve the support of others)  It really hit me, all of the hard/ horrific things people are willing to watch... but yet it finally took Lifetime to come through and be willing to show this very real movie.  

It was very hard to watch... Lots of tears shed... I always have a hard time with rough language and as a Christian there were tough things to watch... (not a movie for little kids at all)  but it was a true story that was told in such a realistic manner.  I really appreciated that!  Of course no two stillbirth situations are exactly the same, but these actors and actresses were pretty much right on the money in depicting a lot of what couples might experience.  And I am so thankful that others can now have a realistic picture of that.  I even think that the movie will help people know how to better support their friends or family through such a loss... 

It opened up a lot of conversations for us between commercials and afterwards... that was good for me... honestly, I know that it is still important to process my emotions at times and it helps to talk about it and share my story... I was amazed when I realized that I had never told my mom how they told me Samuel was dead...(yes... a knock on the door, a head peaking in the room and saying, "your baby has no cardiac activity, your doctor in his way!"  Head was no longer peaking in and that was it... OUCH!  It still makes me angry... how about an I'm sorry... it sounded so sterile... no cardiac activity??? How about heartbeat??? It just sounds warmer to me...)  How did I miss telling my mom all of that... 

It just goes to show me again, how shock and sadness affect a person... I know we all did our very best just to get through the loss and deep sorrow.  I may not always have dealt with it in the most ideal way ( or maybe some people have thought that)... but I truly was... and still am doing my very best with what the Lord has allowed into our lives... It is still hard... really hard... Samuel is still missed each and every day... And the trauma you experience when a baby dies while still inside of you is real... 

I am so thankful that Return to Zero will help break the silence that surrounds stillbirth...  I am so thankful for family and friends who still support me... who are still are willing to talk about and mention Samuel by name... I am so amazed by God's power to heal a shattered heart... 

Lessons learned from a 4 year old...

Grief is a funny thing...

More like grief is a brutal, mind blowing, life altering, new normal starting, awful, beautiful, funny thing...

I think doing the prep work for starting my MEND infant loss support group here in the Chicagoland area in a few months has me reflecting more often...  knowing I will soon be working even so much more closely with new friends in fresh grief... Trust me... losing a child is something you never forget or get over...  but as of late I can't help but reflect more on the whole process of grieving someone you love so much...

When I look back over the last 5 1/2 years I am in awe and so confused at the same time...

I am in awe of the goodness and faithfulness of our God to carry me and our family through the deepest despair and sorrow I ever thought possible and to lovingly carry us to the other side with a joy I never thought possible...

I am confused too by the "crazy" things people say to you when you are grieving...

I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious... Back to that in a minute...


Just a few examples of some of the things that people say... some of these said to me within days of my loss...

You should be so thankful for the 4 kids you have at home...
You can always have more...
He must have had something wrong with him...
He is in a better place...

The last one I will share with you today... the friend, who said this said she was upset with me for "not expecting her to get it". and I truly believe she meant this... Her words..."I do get it, I look at his picture every once in a while and I cry."   Really??  Unless a person has walked through 40 weeks and 1 day of a baby growing and wiggling inside of them, only to deliver them lifeless, discolored and still into their arms... I don't think they can really "GET IT"  Nor does looking at his picture and crying every once in a while qualify as getting it... It is totally ok that they don't understand it... How could I ever expect them to if they haven't ever, praise God for that, experienced it for themselves... 

The funny thing is.... while those responses HURT big time at the moment... I can for myself write them down with a much more understanding heart now...  knowing where I have come from... I am not in any way invalidating someone's hurt feelings when insensitive comments are said.  In a time of fresh loss and for much time after, some things said can seem to add to your pain... But now I know most people said them meaning for good... not intending to hurt me... I think they wanted to help, didn't  know what to say, or maybe didn't even think before they spoke... Truth be told, I am sure I have said things that didn't help or were maybe inappropriate in others times of loss.  (I give those examples not to point any fingers at all... my heart has forgiven the hurt...)

( I think I will write a post soon articulating how those words can hurt... what a freshly grieving person is really thinking when those words are said... and what might be a better thing to say:)

Again, I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious...

This is my nephew little Luther.  He was the baby that came into our family just a few months after Samuel died... 

Isn't he a cutie pie??

Being a person who has dealt with "sub fertility" my whole life... He came to my brother and his lovely wife Lyndsey, (who I like to say, gets pregnant when they look at each other... I mean that joyfully now:) and is the 4th of their 6 kids now 9 and under)

Here is where my lacking grace came in...
While I am a firm believer in being gentle to yourself after a loss... not putting yourself in "extra tough" situations, doing really whatever it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other on those hard days... I KNOW that I didn't always tackle things in the best manner... No where close...

Looking back I can honestly say that the 4-8 month time period after Samuel died was the hardest for me... Luther was born around 4 months after Samuel died...

Luther had a stroke in uetero right at the end of the pregnancy... and had some early issues with some seizures that were closely monitored in the NICU... There were many many people praying for this little guy... (who just happened to walk up to me with the CUTEST CHOCOLATE PUDDING MUSTACHE EVER!!!) And praise God he recovered really well and is doing great... I think it was one of those wait and see kind of deals to reevaluate progress as he has grown older.

The very sad thing... in my grief... combined with some words spoken that I just couldn't shake...when he was born and arrived with concern, while I was concerned and praying for him,  all I could think was "He is alive... they need to be so thankful He is alive"  And I even had the nerve to write those words to my brother in an email...

Ugh... it makes me sick thinking about it... How could my eyes have been so focused on myself?? I know personal perspective is something, but, I said one of the dumbest things... in one of their most trying times... very similar to the silly things people said to me... OUCH!  It is embarrassing to admit...

My grief journey has been full of apologies for ways that I made people uncomfortable... I think most people with babies didn't know how to react to me... so they avoided me... then I felt really awkward... built a wall and started to avoid them... kind of a vicious cycle... Like I said... I have made many apologies for behavior like that... Most were received REALLY well.... most tried to understand... other apologies were not so well received... :(

Thank God for this sweet little bundle of love, Luther... 

Thank God for Luther's understanding parents to not hold a grudge against me when I said stupid things and for being patient with me and the time I needed to spend time together like we always had before I lost Samuel...

 Thank God for His healing touch to literally bring my heart to a beautiful place of fully enjoying this little guy. I love Luther so much... Big lump in my throat over how much I do love him and would have loved seeing Samuel and him raising a ruckus together:):)

I admit, there were many times I would snuggle him up this past weekend and just sort of ponder what it would feel like to have Samuel in my arms... He would be so very big, almost ready for Kindergarten... It boggles my mind:)

So as I move forward... I pray that the Lord would fill me up... fill me up with...

• The grace to be more forgiving... (really who I am to be stingy with forgiveness after how many times the Lord has lavished His grace on me)
• The grace to stop, slow down and pray for the right words to say to someone when they are hurting...
• The grace to expect less from others and more from myself... With the lord's help...
• The grace to look at the heart intent of people, not just at what I think or feel that they might be saying...
• The grace to pour into others and not expect A THING in return for myself...
• the grace to extend that hand of gracious love, kindness, and peace to others... even when my heart is stinging...   

That is truly where the rubber meets the road... It is easy to forgive and be gracious when someone is mostly kind to you... but oh, so much harder when they seem to be oblivious to your hurt or are even insensitive at times.  Only through His strength in our lives is that possible...

I am so very thankful that God saw fit to bring little Luther into our family...

I am in awe of how God can use something that brought such hurt in those early days of grief to teach me so much and to bring an extra special dose of healing to my heart!

And... His name was Sam

It was a beautiful night here in Illinois...

Anna, Jojo, Hope, Levi and I went trudging through the new 7 inches of freshly fallen snow to deliver cookies to a couple of the neighbors... 

OH... MY.,.  GOODNESS... It was gorgeous out... 

Jojo right away said, "Mom, we need to do this more often... go for walks in the snow"  

We had a blast making snow angels, eating snow, playing king of the hill (you should see the HUGE piles of snow from the plows the clear the church parking lots)  It was so fun...

We had a later dinner and off I went to pick up a few things from the grocery store... 

My checker was such a nice young man... did his job well and with a smile on his face...

My eyes bounced to his name tag... and then I saw... His name was SAM...

Immediately my eyes were brimming with tears... (strange how, where and when the sadness hits you...)

I couldn't help but inspect him more closely... not in the creeper sense:):) But just to observe him... 

He had dark hair, he was just so helpful... he had a little bit bigger build...

The questions in my mind started milling... Would Samuel's hair have stayed dark like it was at birth... What would he have done for his first job? would he have had such a willing heart to help?  

My thoughts couldn't help but go to what we are missing out on with him not here with us... There should have been another little 5 year sweetie diving in the  snow with me tonight...I will never be able to see if school came easy to him or not... I will never hear his sweet voice call me mama... or see him walk down the aisle with his new bride... Seeing that young man named Sam tonight brought it all to the front of my mind...

For Samuel's sake I would never wish any different for him... He is much safer in Heaven... God knew the exact number of his days. ... I can accept that now... (that was a journey)  

But the void is undeniable... there is as hole in our family... part of my heart is in Heaven... We laugh, and we find great joy in our days... but I can't tell you how often things don't seem quite right and someone in the family says... "WHO IS MISSING?"

We miss him... We miss the giggles of a 5 year old rough housing with his 2 younger brothers... we miss the chatter and love he would have added to our home...  

As I was talking with a friend earlier today sharing some struggles I was having as of late... She said, "I am just counting on Jesus coming back!"  Oh... how my heart longs for that...

Heaven is my home... this world is beautiful, wonderful, and hard... There is joy/pain... total bliss/total heartache... And how I long for the day He returns... I have always said that Samuel has made me long for Heaven in a whole new way... I am so grateful for that eternal perspective that His precious life has given me.  I wouldn't trade that for the world... And for friends who continue to share that longing for Heaven with me... both are such gifts...