finally picked a spot... and Return to Zero...

It has been on my heart since we moved here to get our Samuel garden planted...

We finally picked the perfect spot beneath this beautiful flowering tree.  

It is further along than pictured here, we are getting there... mulch is down, some flowers and plants planted, but we still have work to do... :)

It feels so good to have started on it... Our Samuel Garden in Oklahoma was so special to me... not really just a place to go and remember him, but since we don't have a cemetery to visit it is sometimes just nice to have a quiet place to sit and think on him and the beautiful short life God gave him with us...

And think on him I have been doing a lot lately... The kids and I spent last Saturday up at my parents and we watched the premiere of Return to Zero with some of my nieces, my sister in law, and my parents.  

I was so thankful to be able to watch it with them.  WOW... I am so thankful that someone tackled making a film about such a hard subject,stillbirth.  (Minnie Driver has said in an interview I saw, that we as people are willing to watch movies where people are blown apart, women abused, and so much more... it was time someone tackled this subject and give support to a group of people that deserve the support of others)  It really hit me, all of the hard/ horrific things people are willing to watch... but yet it finally took Lifetime to come through and be willing to show this very real movie.  

It was very hard to watch... Lots of tears shed... I always have a hard time with rough language and as a Christian there were tough things to watch... (not a movie for little kids at all)  but it was a true story that was told in such a realistic manner.  I really appreciated that!  Of course no two stillbirth situations are exactly the same, but these actors and actresses were pretty much right on the money in depicting a lot of what couples might experience.  And I am so thankful that others can now have a realistic picture of that.  I even think that the movie will help people know how to better support their friends or family through such a loss... 

It opened up a lot of conversations for us between commercials and afterwards... that was good for me... honestly, I know that it is still important to process my emotions at times and it helps to talk about it and share my story... I was amazed when I realized that I had never told my mom how they told me Samuel was dead...(yes... a knock on the door, a head peaking in the room and saying, "your baby has no cardiac activity, your doctor in his way!"  Head was no longer peaking in and that was it... OUCH!  It still makes me angry... how about an I'm sorry... it sounded so sterile... no cardiac activity??? How about heartbeat??? It just sounds warmer to me...)  How did I miss telling my mom all of that... 

It just goes to show me again, how shock and sadness affect a person... I know we all did our very best just to get through the loss and deep sorrow.  I may not always have dealt with it in the most ideal way ( or maybe some people have thought that)... but I truly was... and still am doing my very best with what the Lord has allowed into our lives... It is still hard... really hard... Samuel is still missed each and every day... And the trauma you experience when a baby dies while still inside of you is real... 

I am so thankful that Return to Zero will help break the silence that surrounds stillbirth...  I am so thankful for family and friends who still support me... who are still are willing to talk about and mention Samuel by name... I am so amazed by God's power to heal a shattered heart...