Lessons learned from a 4 year old...

Grief is a funny thing...

More like grief is a brutal, mind blowing, life altering, new normal starting, awful, beautiful, funny thing...

I think doing the prep work for starting my MEND infant loss support group here in the Chicagoland area in a few months has me reflecting more often...  knowing I will soon be working even so much more closely with new friends in fresh grief... Trust me... losing a child is something you never forget or get over...  but as of late I can't help but reflect more on the whole process of grieving someone you love so much...

When I look back over the last 5 1/2 years I am in awe and so confused at the same time...

I am in awe of the goodness and faithfulness of our God to carry me and our family through the deepest despair and sorrow I ever thought possible and to lovingly carry us to the other side with a joy I never thought possible...

I am confused too by the "crazy" things people say to you when you are grieving...

I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious... Back to that in a minute...


Just a few examples of some of the things that people say... some of these said to me within days of my loss...

You should be so thankful for the 4 kids you have at home...
You can always have more...
He must have had something wrong with him...
He is in a better place...

The last one I will share with you today... the friend, who said this said she was upset with me for "not expecting her to get it". and I truly believe she meant this... Her words..."I do get it, I look at his picture every once in a while and I cry."   Really??  Unless a person has walked through 40 weeks and 1 day of a baby growing and wiggling inside of them, only to deliver them lifeless, discolored and still into their arms... I don't think they can really "GET IT"  Nor does looking at his picture and crying every once in a while qualify as getting it... It is totally ok that they don't understand it... How could I ever expect them to if they haven't ever, praise God for that, experienced it for themselves... 

The funny thing is.... while those responses HURT big time at the moment... I can for myself write them down with a much more understanding heart now...  knowing where I have come from... I am not in any way invalidating someone's hurt feelings when insensitive comments are said.  In a time of fresh loss and for much time after, some things said can seem to add to your pain... But now I know most people said them meaning for good... not intending to hurt me... I think they wanted to help, didn't  know what to say, or maybe didn't even think before they spoke... Truth be told, I am sure I have said things that didn't help or were maybe inappropriate in others times of loss.  (I give those examples not to point any fingers at all... my heart has forgiven the hurt...)

( I think I will write a post soon articulating how those words can hurt... what a freshly grieving person is really thinking when those words are said... and what might be a better thing to say:)

Again, I am even more confused by my response at times...
Looking back I wish I had been more gracious...

This is my nephew little Luther.  He was the baby that came into our family just a few months after Samuel died... 

Isn't he a cutie pie??

Being a person who has dealt with "sub fertility" my whole life... He came to my brother and his lovely wife Lyndsey, (who I like to say, gets pregnant when they look at each other... I mean that joyfully now:) and is the 4th of their 6 kids now 9 and under)

Here is where my lacking grace came in...
While I am a firm believer in being gentle to yourself after a loss... not putting yourself in "extra tough" situations, doing really whatever it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other on those hard days... I KNOW that I didn't always tackle things in the best manner... No where close...

Looking back I can honestly say that the 4-8 month time period after Samuel died was the hardest for me... Luther was born around 4 months after Samuel died...

Luther had a stroke in uetero right at the end of the pregnancy... and had some early issues with some seizures that were closely monitored in the NICU... There were many many people praying for this little guy... (who just happened to walk up to me with the CUTEST CHOCOLATE PUDDING MUSTACHE EVER!!!) And praise God he recovered really well and is doing great... I think it was one of those wait and see kind of deals to reevaluate progress as he has grown older.

The very sad thing... in my grief... combined with some words spoken that I just couldn't shake...when he was born and arrived with concern, while I was concerned and praying for him,  all I could think was "He is alive... they need to be so thankful He is alive"  And I even had the nerve to write those words to my brother in an email...

Ugh... it makes me sick thinking about it... How could my eyes have been so focused on myself?? I know personal perspective is something, but, I said one of the dumbest things... in one of their most trying times... very similar to the silly things people said to me... OUCH!  It is embarrassing to admit...

My grief journey has been full of apologies for ways that I made people uncomfortable... I think most people with babies didn't know how to react to me... so they avoided me... then I felt really awkward... built a wall and started to avoid them... kind of a vicious cycle... Like I said... I have made many apologies for behavior like that... Most were received REALLY well.... most tried to understand... other apologies were not so well received... :(

Thank God for this sweet little bundle of love, Luther... 

Thank God for Luther's understanding parents to not hold a grudge against me when I said stupid things and for being patient with me and the time I needed to spend time together like we always had before I lost Samuel...

 Thank God for His healing touch to literally bring my heart to a beautiful place of fully enjoying this little guy. I love Luther so much... Big lump in my throat over how much I do love him and would have loved seeing Samuel and him raising a ruckus together:):)

I admit, there were many times I would snuggle him up this past weekend and just sort of ponder what it would feel like to have Samuel in my arms... He would be so very big, almost ready for Kindergarten... It boggles my mind:)

So as I move forward... I pray that the Lord would fill me up... fill me up with...

• The grace to be more forgiving... (really who I am to be stingy with forgiveness after how many times the Lord has lavished His grace on me)
• The grace to stop, slow down and pray for the right words to say to someone when they are hurting...
• The grace to expect less from others and more from myself... With the lord's help...
• The grace to look at the heart intent of people, not just at what I think or feel that they might be saying...
• The grace to pour into others and not expect A THING in return for myself...
• the grace to extend that hand of gracious love, kindness, and peace to others... even when my heart is stinging...   

That is truly where the rubber meets the road... It is easy to forgive and be gracious when someone is mostly kind to you... but oh, so much harder when they seem to be oblivious to your hurt or are even insensitive at times.  Only through His strength in our lives is that possible...

I am so very thankful that God saw fit to bring little Luther into our family...

I am in awe of how God can use something that brought such hurt in those early days of grief to teach me so much and to bring an extra special dose of healing to my heart!