Tuesday, February 18, 2014

And... His name was Sam

It was a beautiful night here in Illinois...

Anna, Jojo, Hope, Levi and I went trudging through the new 7 inches of freshly fallen snow to deliver cookies to a couple of the neighbors... 

OH... MY.,.  GOODNESS... It was gorgeous out... 
Jojo right away said, "Mom, we need to do this more often... go for walks in the snow"  

We had a blast making snow angels, eating snow, playing king of the hill (you should see the HUGE piles of snow from the plows the clear the church parking lots)  It was so fun...

We had a later dinner and off I went to pick up a few things from the grocery store... 

My checker was such a nice young man... did his job well and with a smile on his face...

My eyes bounced to his name tag... and then I saw... His name was SAM...

Immediately my eyes were brimming with tears... (strange how, where and when the sadness hits you...)
I couldn't help but inspect him more closely... not in the creeper sense:):) But just to observe him... 
He had dark hair, he was just so helpful... he had a little bit bigger build...

The questions in my mind started milling... Would Samuel's hair have stayed dark like it was at birth... What would he have done for his first job? would he have had such a willing heart to help?  

My thoughts couldn't help but go to what we are missing out on with him not here with us... There should have been another little 5 year sweetie diving in the  snow with me tonight...I will never be able to see if school came easy to him or not... I will never hear his sweet voice call me mama... or see him walk down the aisle with his new bride... Seeing that young man named Sam tonight brought it all to the front of my mind...

For Samuel's sake I would never wish any different for him... He is much safer in Heaven... God knew the exact number of his days. ... I can accept that now... (that was a journey)  

But the void is undeniable... there is as hole in our family... part of my heart is in Heaven... We laugh, and we find great joy in our days... but I can't tell you how often things don't seem quite right and someone in the family says... "WHO IS MISSING?"

We miss him... We miss the giggles of a 5 year old rough housing with his 2 younger brothers... we miss the chatter and love he would have added to our home...  

As I was talking with a friend earlier today sharing some struggles I was having as of late... She said, "I am just counting on Jesus coming back!"  Oh... how my heart longs for that...

Heaven is my home... this world is beautiful, wonderful, and hard... There is joy/pain... total bliss/total heartache... And how I long for the day He returns... I have always said that Samuel has made me long for Heaven in a whole new way... I am so grateful for that eternal perspective that His precious life has given me.  I wouldn't trade that for the world... And for friends who continue to share that longing for Heaven with me... both are such gifts... 

3 comments:

Tesha Papik said...

Such a sweet besutiful post ! How I wish that you had your little Samuel to watch grow. Your so right he's in such a wonderful place. Anticipating the day that we get to see our little boys again!

Mom Of Many said...

Hey friend, I tried to leave a comment yesterday while at the hospital but somehow it didn't post. This is such a powerful post Sara. Such grief, loss and heartache. I think sometimes people never stop to think about the loss on so many fronts. I am grateful that you share your heart. I love you dear friend and as the Lord brings her to mind, I will pray for sweet Isaiah's birth mom. xoxo

Heather said...

I want to thank you for sharing Samuel with us. I found your blog shortly before learning we were expecting our fifth child and perhaps because of the many things we have in common, he remained on my mind throughout the pregnancy.
When at 39 weeks I began to notice changes in how baby was moving, Samuel's story led me to ask questions about what was happening.
Rebekah was born via c-section 3 weeks ago with the knotted cord wrapped around her neck twice. She was in distress and would not have made it to her due date.
Many things contributed to our little girl's survival, but your precious Samuel played an important role and I wanted to say thank you.