Adoption... the amazing, painful truth...

Our precious Isaiah James...
 His name means.... The Lord is generous... God is salvation...

Oh, the joy this precious little man brings to my heart and our home... God was so generous to us when He blessed our lives with this sweet little soul...

EVERY SINGLE DAY.... we are so overwhelmingly blessed to be able to experience the amazing miracles in our lives because of the gift of adoption...

Yet... there are days that undeniably I am struck by the craziness of the adoption journey each of our adopted children have experienced... 

Adoption is amazing...  and yet...

Adoption can be painful... 

As an adoptive family, we for the most part, get to experience the amazing, wonderful, awesome part of adoption... What a gift!

That probably isn't the case for most birth parents...

Whether international, domestic, or embryo adoption... I think every single adoption starts with a loss... This is a very real part of each story... I can not tell you how often I pray over when and how we will handle and approach certain parts of their early beginnings... Beginnings are beautiful and wonderful... and beginnings that are extremely painful, rough, and hurtful...

I will NEVER FORGET the first time we met Isaiah's birth mom... He had been born the day before... and we had not yet met our son, who was waiting in the NICU...

Adoption can be painful...

Into the room we walked... thrilled, nervous, excited... what a gamut of emotions... 

This dear precious lady was broken... She was in a VERY difficult spot in life... but yet here she was about to give her beautiful son to us FOREVER!!!  What a totally selfless act... While we knew he had a rough start growing in her, we still immediately loved her...I can't even describe it to you... 

She, even at 36 years of age, had said she wished she could be be loved by a family like ours... I will never forget fighting back tears as she wept talking with us... When we finally left her room to go meet Isaiah, I literally sobbed in Greg's arms... my heart was broken for her... 

What tremendous loss she was experiencing... and truth be told... he was too... He was without the only mama he had grown to know over the almost 10 months inside of her... It was her blood that nurtured and grew him... her heartbeat he had been hearing... (while I would never make her out to be a saint... none of us are... and she certainly had immense struggles that she inevitably shared with him as he grew) But, she was his mom, had given him life, and was a precious, special lady to us RIGHT FROM THE VERY START...

Adoption can be painful...

Pieces are starting to fall into place for me... 

Prior to moving from Oklahoma, we visited with Isaiah's birth parents on the day we finalized the adoption... they knew we were going to be moving, making visits far more difficult... They seemed sad and worried about not getting to see him as often, yet in no way pushy or anything like that... We discussed how we could still make visits happen on our trips to Texas etc... We would be staying in contact regarding those times through the agency although I would her pictures by email...

Then just a few months later while in Oklahoma, I took a few of the kids with Isaiah and made the 2 hour trek to OKC to see them for lunch at the Agency... Literally, as I pulled in the parking lot, they canceled... :(:(  I still took the kids inside, had lunch, visited with our amazing agency staff, piled them back in the car and headed back to Tulsa... I was sad.  Truthfully, I was questioning a little bit of the reason behind canceling, only because I know their history of habits... But I didn't think too much of it...

Adoption can be painful... 

We tried to facilitate a visit with his birth mom while driving down to Texas a few weeks ago to go to the MEND leadership training as well as see family... No one could not get a hold of her...There wasn't a way for the agency to reach her by phone anymore... no response to my emails... no response to the agency emails...

Immediately, I could not help the worry that struck my heart... And instantly I remembered a precious email I received from her last fall... She was reiterating how thankful she was that we had him, that she was totally at peace with us raising him... and here is the part that twists my gut... Should anything happen to her, we are to make sure Isaiah knows how much she loved him... When I received the email it touched my heart, all of the sweet things that she had said... But in light of her falling off the radar, my heart could not help but think... Was that some sort of goodbye letter???

It makes me so sad just thinking about it... Knowing her past... I am worried about her big time... I can not describe how you can love someone so much because of the incredible gift she gave us... We pray for our kids birth/biological parents every single day, I am sure that is why our love for her continues to grow... While she has many struggles (we all do) she is a precious part of this family and my heart is sad and worried... And more importantly I am sad for Isaiah... what if that was it??? What if he never gets to see her with his own eyes someday... What if something really bad has happened to her?  As far as we and the agency know, she is still alive...

I know well enough that worrying will not get me anywhere... but from how our communication started with her, I JUST DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING... 

I know many, even within our own families, don't fully understand why we are fine with or even prefer open adoption... (that is a whole other post for another time) I think for most in their minds the words OPEN ADOPTION strikes fear or worry... for us open adoption holds many of the pieces to what makes up our kids puzzle of their lives... And for us right now there is a big piece missing... A piece we didn't really expect to go missing....for how long we don't know... 

If you think of it... would you pray for her protection... And that God's very best will is done in her life and in Isaiah's as he grows... We fully wants God's will for Isaiah's birthmom, Isaiah, and our family...

That is just a sliver of the painful part of adoption...

We are so so very grateful to experience the beautiful, miraculous parts of adoption every single day...

Isn't that just how life is... 

such a mix of joy and pain...

That beautiful tapestry that God has woven of our lives, the bright light spots mixed right in with the deep darker spots.... 

You need it all... 

The beautiful... the difficult... the challenges... the growth...  to make the beautiful picture God intended for you....