6 years closer to Heaven

My precious 6 year old Samuel...

Six years closer to Heaven, my boy, and six years closer to you...

What does six years with out you look like for me?

I miss you...

There are days when Levi repeats my name, "mom...mom...MOM...MOM...MOM!!!" before he can get the next word out and I wonder if that is God's precious way of blessing my heart... to hear a sweet little boy call me mom again and again... because you never were able to...

I miss all that you would be to us in the day in and day out of busy family life...

My heart hurts for Jojo who I know feels the loss of you daily... he may not even realize it... but he is lonely at times... a lot of times... I KNOW, that had you lived, you would be his right hand man... and there probably would be very little lonliness in his days...

Your sweet sister Anna still asks why you couldn't stay here with us... She still plays songs on the piano and sings about you... Oh you would have loved the way she would have played with you and helped take care of you... But yet I know for you... Heaven is SO much better...

I miss just being able to cuddle you, feel your sweaty soft head next to mine... curl your fingers around mine on family walks, watch you learn how to ride a bike for the first time, start big boy school as a kindergartener, and rough house with the little ones...

I my minds eye... you would have dark hair, be sort of slight in build, be on the quiet side, but yet have a good dose of the rascal in ya... just like every single one of your siblings... 

I know you would make me laugh... just like the rest of them...

Not a day goes by that this mama's heart doesn't feel the weight that you aren't here with us... I rejoice for you my precious boy... but on earth it still hurts... the memories run deep and don't really ever fade of that single day we actually got to hold you in our arms... I don't ever want them to... But tonight in bed I realized I couldn't remember your smell... at all... that made me sad...

As much as there is still a sadness and a deep missing and longing for you... I praise God that with that He has brought my heart great joy at your memory...


How perfectly the Lord knit you together... all 9 lb. 2 oz of you... Your sweet soft head of dark hair, your funny curved little toes, the fuzz by your ears, your full cheeks... every last bit of you... I loved carrying you inside of me for all 40 weeks... As sick as I was at times, as BIG as I became... I treasured it... You were a part of me... you were an important part of our family... You still are, That won't EVER change...

But you  changed us...

You changed me... (maybe in some ways that others still haven't gotten used to... maybe I haven't even gotten totally used to it:) And as hard as change can be... I welcome it... It means you lived... you were here for 40 weeks and 1 day and your life mattered so much!  Because of you I now do things maybe I never dreamed I would... God has strengthened me because of your short but precious time with us...

I would go back and do it all again in a heart beat... All 40 weeks and 1 day of pregnancy... just to hold you in my arms again...

And I would go back and do the hard part all over again too... Today 6 years ago, the day I realized you were gone... Tomorrow 6 years ago, the day I gave birth to you still and silent in my arms, my precious son... and the very lonely road of grief that followed... I would do it all again , just to see you in your dad, sister, and brother's arms...

I trust the Father so completely with the plan He had for your life... the number of days He ordained for you in my womb... But in my humanness there is a longing just to have you here... to have the whole family together...

You are loved more and more... your life is valued and treasured more and more... and you are missed so deeply my sweet fifth born...

My precious Samuel...

When you first died people tried to comfort me with the fact that I would see you again in Heaven...

 But in all honesty, in my shock and despair HEAVEN SEEMED JUST TOO FAR AWAY...  What if I lived to be 80?  Heaven was still 40 some years away.... Too long...

It just took a little time and healing to where Heaven brings my heart GREAT JOY!!

Whether I live 10 more minutes, months, years or more... I can see and feel we are getting closer and closer  to that beautiful reunion with each passing day...

Six years closer to Heaven, my boy... 

Six years closer to meeting my savior face to face...

And Six years closer to you....