CHANGES

HOW I HAVE CHANGED SINCE THE DAY THIS SWEET BOY WAS BORN... isn't he beautiful?

*I used to be very organized... now you would be afraid to see the bags of paper work that I need to get to...

*I used to return calls... much more quickly... sorry if I haven't gotten back to you yet...

*I used to be a night owl who could get by on little sleep... now the exhaustion has set in... I can sleep 9 hours now and still be yawning ...(maybe it is the fact that 9 hours of fitful rest and bad dreams just doesn't always cut it.)

*I used to love any and all babies... now it is just too difficult to get too close...

*I used to have a good memory and was pretty on top of things... now I think I am functioning with about 1/2 of my brain working. (The other day I literally pulled into a parking lot, put the van in park and got out... Greg had to call me back in to turn the car off...Scary... I can't remember what I am going to say mid sentence... so if I am telling you something for the 3rd time... please be patient I can tell all the synapses aren't firing up there...

*I used to love Orange Juice... not any more... that is what I was told to drink to try to get Samuel moving when I didn't feel him that October morning...

*I used to love to get out, not excessively, but now I am much more of a home body...

*I used to LOVE writing letters and thank you notes... now I find it VERY hard to get motivated (Sorry Heather I am still meaning to write back to you after you sent that wonderful letter a few weeks back... it touched my heart...)

*I haven't been able to sit on my new blue couch since that day in October when I was sitting there doing Science with the kids and the panic started to set in...

There are so many things that have changed about me since October 29th when I knew that my son was already with his Savior before he had a chance to breathe a breath of air on this earth. I do miss the carefree person that I was. I am praying that the Lord will restore me in His time. I mention these things not to give excuses for myself but to help others understand that a loss doesn't just affect the emotions of a person. There is so much more that is affected. And there is no set time table for grief... people grieve in different ways and for different amounts of time. If you know someone who is grieving, don't rush them... be patient and accept where they are at.

But praise God there are some ways that I am the same. I still trust God and God alone for my future...it is so out of my control. I am still putting my HOPE in Him. I am still so grateful for the precious gift of all 5 of my children and my dear husband.

There are some good changes that have come to me because of losing Samuel. I have never relied more on the Lord from one moment to the next of each day. I am constantly crying out for Him to comfort, rescue, give me strength to put one foot in front of the other day by day. Sounds sad that I am still at that point almost 5 months later, but it is the case some days. Greg and I communicate so much better than we did, our relationship is totally different because of sweet Samuel. The trivial things that used to seem so important in life, just don't anymore. I am majoring on the majors:) I have had friends stick by me that have been so faithful to call across the miles of many states to check on me, these friends know that if they pick up the phone and just hear whimpering or crying it is probably me, honestly I know coping would have been so difficult with out them these last months. I am so blessed by them and I cherish those friendships so much more than I did before.

And even amidst all of the changes that have taken place in me these last months, I am so thankful that God doesn't change. I will be the first to admit, I am not real happy with certain things that have happened. I know God could have intervened last October and for some reason He didn't. That can be hard to accept at times. But He is still the Sovereign One, the same yesterday, today and forever. I know I can't rely on my feelings. I know I need to rely on HIM and all of the truths I know about Him from His word.