I mean that in a good way:)... She is just so precious to me.
This morning I went for a run in the pouring rain. It was beautiful. When Louis and I did the first lap, it was just a sprinkle. When Anna and I started out on the third lap, (don't be too impressed they are short laps:) she cruising on her little blue bike, me running along side of her, it was just drizzling. When we got to the other side of the neighborhood it got heavier and heavier until it was just pouring on us. At first Anna was questioning me, "Mommy it's starting to rain should we head back?" I told her it kind of felt good lets keep going. Then she started giggling, and said, "This is kind of fun." Then a full out yell from her, " I like this!!!!" as she sped off from me. It was just precious.
I can't tell you how good it felt to have the rain pelting me in the face. I felt more alive than I have felt in almost 10 months. I just threw my head back enjoying the cool rain, I felt like I could sob, laugh, and scream all at the same time. It was just the fact that I was out with my little girl... actually enjoying life. It felt good to be alive. No it actually felt GREAT! Did I just say that?... that it feels great to alive.
Steven Curtis Chapman has a song off his latest CD called MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT. I wanted to put it on my playlist, but couldn't find it... There are a few lines in the song... many lines in the song that resonate with, really the whole song does. He talks about having a time machine, and if we did, would we really want to go back and change everything. He wrote this song before his 5 year old died after being hit by a car driven by his 17 year old. Wooh, I admire this guy, but I have to wonder if NOW he would go back and change it all. For his son, to have to live with that?? Intense and almost too much I would thik.I know if I could I would still go back and change the end of last October... Is that wrong? I know that I can't... and I trust that God has His best in mind for me. It is just His best is so different than what my best would have been.
It was interesting when Steven Curtis lost his little girl on May 21st 2008 I was checking his manager's blog often to see how they were coping. Greg would tell me, he thought I was addicted to it, and spent too much time checking it. Now fast forward just 5 months later to our loss of Samuel. I was so thankful that I had been checking it, it gave me a REAL example of Christian grief... not just Sunday morning grief... where we put on that mask that it is all OK. This was gut level brutal honesty about a brutal loss. It comforted me to hear their heart and see them walk this journey. I still read Mary Beth Chapman's blog and it still ministers to my heart.
Anyways back to the song. There is also a part where it says.... And if it brings you tears, taste them as they fall, let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, throw your head back and let it go, you gotta let it go! I feel like I have been fully tasting them for the last almost 10 months... I still need to work on the softening of my heart. There are still times of real anger and bitterness about things. But there are times of great joy for all that God has done and times of throwing my head back with laughter. It is so interesting to me that all of those intensely strong emotions can exist at the same time.
I have been phone consulting with a natural Doctor in Wisconsin, who did some saliva testing, blood work to see where I am at hormonally and maybe to help with fertility and mood. As most of you know... even though we have had 5 children... only 1 came easy, with the rest it was a long road with years of trying and getting help. It was kind of comical, once she got my results she told me that my serotonin level was quite low. That is the chemical that regulates the feeel good part of the brain. I could have told her that months ago. She found lots of interesting things. I have been taking some supplements for the last month. And I have to say, Praise God, I really feel like it is helping. This last week, I feel mentally a bit more like the me of before Samuel.
Now I say that knowing full well, that I am feeling good now, and hopefully that will continue more often, but knowing that there will still be many times of deep sorrow and grief. But I am hoping it will be more manageable from here on out.
So as usual, we are treasuring the miracle of each day and all the crazy, funny things that each day holds for us. We treasure that precious plump 9 lb 2 oz miracle of Samuel that God blessed us with last October. And we treasure the time that we had with Faith, the birth mom that lived with us this summer. We are thankful that we had the opportunity to look forward to adding a sweet little baby this fall. That brought much joy to this home as we started preparing again. Even though it didn't end at all how we had hoped, we treasure that God created that tiny little baby Joel even for the 28 weeks that he lived here inside of Faith. Wow, God is a miracle worker.
Thanking God for the MIRACLE OF THE MOMENTS of this life... even beautiful runs in the POURING RAIN!