MISSING MY BOY FOR 10 MONTHS

How can it possibly be 10 months since I said hello and goodbye to you all in the same day.

How can it be so long since I was able to snuggle your precious face next to mine and smell that beautiful newborn baby smell. I miss it so much... I miss your chubby cheeks. I miss gazing at each little piece of you. I miss touching your soft silky skin. I miss the kids being able to kiss you square on your rosy red lips like they did when they met you. I miss you Samuel, every bit of you more than I could possibly express in words.

How can it be that you have been gone longer than we had you with us... I remember the pure joy of your sister when she screamed across the seminary campus to people just to let them know that she was going to be a big sister again. It was such an answer to prayer, your brothers and sister had been praying for you for a good year+ before we ever knew you had come to be. Your daddy and I had been praying for even longer. All of the kids looked so forward to having you to hold, snuggle, love on. They still talk about you daily sweet boy.

You have changed our lives forever Samuel. This mommy and this family will never be the same again. There is a special Samuel shaped hole in our hearts. No one could ever replace you. We would never want that. Though we long for another child, that doesn't ever change the fact that we still long for you. The last 10 months have been filled with more heartache than I ever knew could possibly exist. The pain still cuts deep, my chest still literally hurts when I think of how much time we have missed being with you.

But even with all of the pain of the last 10 months, it was so worth it. I would never change a thing about the 9 months I carried you inside of me... the 9 months that you grew under my heart and in it. They were beautiful months... I was so happy to have you be a part of me. Wow, what an amazing gift to be able to call you my son. Now the day after those 9 months when I didn't feel you moving anymore... that day I would change... I wish I could. Samuel, there are still many days that I feel my body betrayed me. I wish I could have protected you somehow. I guess I feel bad that you died inside of me, that I couldn't do anything to help you. I hope you didn't feel anything, but that thought does haunt me still sometimes. But now that you are with our Savior I am not sad for you. You were spared from so much, you are in a perfect place, perfectly healthy. I am just sad for us.

But there is one special gift I have received from walking this journey of life without you with us... I don't at all fear death. We long for the day when we will all be reunited with you. I think of you with all the other little ones of my new friends that I have met this past year that have lost children. I think of you with your great grandparents... I think of you with Joel. I think of all of you in the presence of our Lord.

For now sweet boy, know that you were so loved here on earth and are still loved with a fierce love that only your family could have for you. We will never forget our time with you. We think of you every single day. We still thank God for the time He gave us with you Samuel. My heart aches, my arms ache to hold you again, the tears are falling from my eyes precious boy...

I love you Samuel,

You are so missed.

I still know that with God's help we will be alright... today is just a harder day... memories are fresh.

(I know Greg always says that he doesn't really think that those in Heaven are looking down on us from Heaven... because that might cause them sadness, and in Heaven there is no sadness, no tears. So I don't really think that Samuel can see this note... but for some reason it makes me feel good to talk to him and share my heart with him. I don't know if that is normal... I just know that it feels right.)