Friday, August 28, 2009





We have a house for sale next door. It just so happens to have an apple tree on the property... and no one lives there. The kids couldn't help themselves, we know the builder doesn't pick them... so the kids picked every last one of them. They had such a ball. Greg wants an apple pie... and it looks like we will be canning applesauce with the extras. It is a lot of work, but I am one of those crazy people who actually enjoys canning:)
This is going to be a long one.... Hang with me...
Now on to the reason for the title of this post... ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I heard this song by Sara Groves a couple of months back. Music always speaks to me, and this was no different. There is a line where she talks about gaining strength from what is tearing you apart. In a sense I have never felt weaker and more torn apart than I have in the last 10 months. Yet there are moments when I amazed that I have survived this, that we are still standing... there are actually moments where I feel strong. I know that is only by the grace of God that I can say that. And his word does say that when we are weak he is strong.
I loved the song from the moment I heard it. I knew I would want to put it on my playlist... yet quite honestly I couldn't put it on there, because I didn't believe it. In my heart I still didn't think that we would be alright. I wasn't sure that we would come out the other side of this tremendous loss and rough year, in one piece. But praise God, I can now say that I do believe that I will be alright. Sure doubt tends to creep back in. I have actually waited a little while to post about this, because I have had times in the last 10 months where I could actually say that I felt good, but it would only last a couple of days and then WHAM, the grief would be sooooo strong again, unbearable. But I have actually had the first "good week" that I have had in 10 months. I feel funny admitting it, but it is the truth. And you know what...IT FEELS GOOD TO FEEL GOOD!
I have never been one to be prone to depression, but let me tell you, I have such a more understanding heart toward those that suffer with depression on an ongoing basis. Wow, I certainly can say that I have been depressed over these past months. Of course I was depressed, the son that I planned on spending years raising didn't make it out of my womb alive. That is depressing, and for me it was really hard to see what is the depression of normal grief and what is depression that you need to get help for. I had lots of talks with my counselor about it, and the MEND leader who is also a counselor. I had the prescription for an antidepressant filled and in my drawer in the bathroom. I just didn't want to take it unless I really felt like I had to.
I don't think there is anything wrong with taking them. Sometimes I am really not sure if your brain can catch up chemically. I just knew that I wasn't quite at that point yet. But wooh, my heart goes out to those that are prone to depression. It is such a tough place to be... so dark, so lonely, so isolating. I know I have had many other issues and factors that have added to the depression in the last months. I have had people try to get me to be more positive, or give me a sort of pep-talk. But unless you have been there, I don't think that most can understand that you can't positive think your way into feeling better about your child dying. I think that has to come with time and acceptance. I don't know if I will ever feel better about it, but I think I will be able to accept the reality of it all more. Does that make any sense?
So even though I am feeling better in general, that doesn't mean that I am over my loss.... never will be. I think it will be a constant journey through loss until I am an old lady:) It doesn't mean that I won't still be sad and cry... In fact I had a really good cry tonight just thinking that it has almost been 10 months since I held that precious Samuel in my arms. It is hard, really hard. It doesn't mean that I won't be conciously or subconciously thinking about Samuel and our loss. Right now, 10 months later I can honestly say that the whole situation is ALWAYS on my mind to some level.
I really think that the supplements that the natural lady put me on have helped. From the sounds of it, I had quite a few things that weren't quite working right, my thyroid, just to name one. So I think that working to get all of me working the way that it should will help all of the way around. Honestly, I have had a few moments this week where I remembered things that I was surprised I remembered. I know that sounds so small, but for me with how absent minded I have felt, it was a blessing. We are praying that it will help with all of the fertility stuff too.
Do you want to hear the funny thing about this natural Doctor? I had to chuckle. The place is called ANEW skin and wellness. Well, when I got there, it was hysterical, out of one of the rooms walks a lady maybe 60 years old. She clearly had just gotten botox or something injected into her lips. Now that just doesn't sound very natural does it? It seemed so twilight zone like to me. I walked in the office and she had all of these credentials of being a doctor of natural healing. It was funny. I think she shares office space with some others. Anyways, I am thankful that what she has given me seems to be helping.

Basically, with all of that said, I can say that I do believe that IT IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I have had so many times over the last months that God has seemed so far from me. I know some say, "When God seems far away, it is you who moved" Sometimes that might be the case, but truthfully I think that at other times that can be a bunch of bunk!...Sorry, When there are times that you are begging God to show up, be near, allow you to feel His presence, give you peace, and it doesn't happen, it is hard. I don't think it is you who moved, rather that God is up to something, just something we can't see or feel or understand. It can be such a spiritual attack.
I am praising God that I can feel His presence lately, I can feel his sustaining power. I can feel Him walking along side of me. And it feels good. IT IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!
Enjoy the song:)


mom2many said...

Your baby dying is never going to be okay with you on this side of Heaven. But as you said, it's something we have to accept. We don't have to like it, but we have to accept what it is allow the Master to move us on. It was about 10 months after Jacob died that I finally started to have more than just a couple of days in a row of good...and it seems like my mind has been in less of a fog, too. It just takes time. You are still so new to all of this loss of a child stuff (as am I) so we are just gonna have to wing it and trust that one day our Savior will redeem the loss. He will.

Ebe said...

Sara, I continue to pray for you and remember sweet Samuel. I love love love to think of our boys playing together in Heaven. What full lives they have!

I know what you mean...there are moments of clarity and peace (where you know it is the Spirit in you) and you just know that it is all for good.
It's hard to explain...not that we are okay that our babies are dead...
we are learning to believe that our Father is perfect in his wisdom and his plans.
We always miss them. They are always on our minds...

love you friend.

Lula said...

Dear Sara,

I'm so happy to hear about a better week for you. Have a great time in Texas - we miss you and hope we can get together again soon!