Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Our family with Faith...
My how much difference one year can make... I think that Louis has changed the most, but they all look different.

I don't want people to always think I am living in the past... but sometimes I think the only way to really see how far you have come is to look back to where you have come from.

When I look back at pictures from one year ago... we were in such a different place. I can see great healing in my heart... Praise God. (I know I say this a lot,but I can't help myself... here it goes) Don't get me wrong, I still grieve the loss of my son Samuel every single day... in fact for some reason the ache in my heart for him has been heavier on my heart the last couple of days... I have had the tears come more often because I just down right miss him being here with us... I feel the void of him not being here with us. I miss what could have been, how things would be with him here. I look at sweet baby girl and I think what if we could have had them both.... I still want them both... I still desperately long for my son... right now there is the all too familiar feeling of that lump in my throat.

But even with all that being said, even with all that missing and longing... I am so thankful.

Thankful for the Lord carrying us through all that we experienced with Faith last summer. At this time a year ago... we were looking forward to the birth of her baby girl... who turned out to be a boy:) The baby girl we were to call our own... I remember being covered in an unexplainable peace the day of Joel's memorial service.

I am thankful that the Lord has brought sisters in Christ to my side. When I think of the deep loneliness I had been feeling... I am so thankful that the Lord brought me friends here near me that weren't afraid to be with me in my grief. I am thankful for the new friends he has brought me through my loss, that I never would have met otherwise. I now consider them dear real life friends. And I am so incredibly thankful for the girlfriends from far away, who were a lifeline to me last year and still are many days.

I am thankful for all the Lord has taught me through this journey the last 19 mos. I am thankful for Him restoring relationships that needed restoring.

I am thankful for Him walking along side of me through it all. And for Him carrying me when I couldn't take another step on my own.

I am so thankful for the precious new life he brought into our family in sweet baby girl last December... even though we still wait to see how things will turn out with her... we are so thankful for the joy and laughter she adds to our life... not to mention the constant commotion ... man, she is truly one of the busiest little people I know:)

And right now I am so very thankful for the Beth Moore Bible Study we started at church tonight. Wow, does that woman have a gift for unwrapping the most amazing details and nuggets of God's truth from His word. Truly, it gets me so excited. I remember last summer feeling like Esther had been specifically written for me. And already tonight after our first week of The Patriarchs... I am just excited to study His word and go through it this summer.

She even said in tonight's video that the book of Genesis is written in narrative form... just like a story being told to us. She mentioned about History, HIS STORY, being told through our lives. Then I had to laugh because she said, easy lives don't make for good stories... Even though we had walked through Greg's cancer early in our relationship, and the loss of a job, and being away from family... I would have said prior to losing Samuel that our lives had been pretty easy. But the last 19 mos have been anything but easy... It truly made me giggle out loud. It just made me think I want His story in my life to be a good story, one people want to read...

And in that moment it made me thankful the challenges He has allowed to enter our lives... the death, the sorrow, the grief, the loneliness, all of it... I could actually say that I was thankful for it. If those things could in anyway allow people to see my Jesus, then it is all worth it... every tear, every sleepless night... every question... all of it... worth it!

Thank you Jesus for all the challenges you have allowed into our lives...
I know Lord that even though it hurt immensely, and still does, that it was all filtered through your loving hands.
Thank you Lord for not leaving us to walk this road alone... thank you for journeying with us through it... through the muddy, dirty waters of grief, and the sunny paths of joy.
Thank you for every step in this journey... for we know that you are molding us into more of who you want us to be... oooh how that molding can be painful Father, but we trust you.
Lord, may our story somehow bring you glory... somehow allow someone to see you Jesus in a new way. May my Samuel's story point people to you... Thank you for it all Lord... mostly thank you for being faithful through it all!


Tonya said...

Sara, this is a beautiful post. It is so's all worth it. And I agree that it is good to look back at where you started, what you've gone through and where you are now. It's the only way to see progress and know that you're not stagnant in your faith, grief, or whatever it is that you're evaluating. If someone had told me what I would have to go through what I did with Grady and all the other stuff in my life, I would have said "NO WAY, I CAN'T DO THAT!" But God brought me to it and He has brought (and is still bringing) me through it. I can't imagine life without faith and trust in Him. Missing Samuel, Joel and Grady with you! So thankful that God crossed our paths! Love, hugs and prayers!


Jennifer said...

I see Jesus all in your post, Sara. I praise Him for the power to redeem even the darkest moments. I continue to pray for you and your family.

I loved "The Patriarchs" when I studied it several years fact about a year after Kyler went to heaven. Beth's studies are always so encouraging. I hope you enjoy it.

Becky said...

It was fun to see those pictures, I'm so glad we had an opportunity to meet Faith last year. The Lord has blessed you with such an amazing heart of hospitality, even amongst your pain. Thanks for sharing your heart, your honesty as always. I love to hear about your beautiful son, and about the Lord's faithfulness in your life.
Love to you today!

Kristin said...

So, so true! The path of grief is difficult, but the changes and the joy that God brings out of it are priceless!

(By the way, I did that study last fall -- LOVED IT!)

mom2many said...

You will never stop missing Samuel and wondering about "what might have been". I do that every day. "What would Jacob think of "A" and Emma?" Today as we left the courthouse, my thoughts went to Jacob and how old he should be right now. I do believe God put this precious baby girl in your home for a reason. They are like ointment for our wounds. There is still a scar, but oh, what healing. My Noah (9 years old) told my mom the other day that "having A here really helps not having Jacob." I knew I felt that way, but didn't know my kids did. Love you sister!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

What a beautiful glad that I stopped by tonight...

Mary said...

how beautiful...God is good, all the mary

Ebe said...

What a beautiful post. You are so precious to our Father. He loves you so much.