God continues to use this precious little boy...I am so very thankful for that...
I can't tell you how much I still miss this little guy...ouch...
There have been so so many times that some have made me to feel that his life didn't count to them, wasn't a full life, because he never breathed a breath of air outside of my womb, or because they never saw him with their own eyes.
Over the last 33 months I have seen glimpses of how God has used his sweet little life to make an impact on others besides just members of our family. I remember the secretary from our church up north sending me a letter telling me all the ways that Samuel's short life had touched her life... That was one of the most precious gifts I have ever received...
Conversations with my dear friend from seminary where she will repeatedly mention Samuel and how it opened her eyes to so many things, changed her and how she sees things differently because of him; how she interacts differently with hurting people all because of his short life. She and her husband would have been Samuel's godparents... instead they are Hope's:)
Oh... my... Most people do not think to bring him up (I get it... it has been a long time:(... some are willing to talk about Samuel if I bring him up in conversation... some, I know, would run the other way if I brought him up...
But the few others who actually make it a point to mention him...ask me how I am doing at this point ... things like this are like a healing salve to my momma's heart... still 33 months later...
Does that sound crazy? 33 months later... I am just shaking my head looking at those words, 33 months later... I just wrote this same friend a letter last night telling her sometimes I feel like I have awoken from a 2 1/2 year coma...
Since Levi has arrived I feel like myself in ways that I haven't in SUCH A LONG TIME...
I catch myself rockin out to songs in the radio just to get the kids to giggle...
It feels so good... so so good....
Anyways, back to the point of my post...
I have said from day 1... Lord please don't waste this pain... please use it somehow...
Well, like I said I have seen glimpses of how God has used Samuel in other's lives. Two very exciting things are happening that are obvious ways that God is using Samuel to bring Him glory.
When I head up north with the kids, (Greg will be staying home and joining us down the road) we will make a stop in St. Louis for me to speak on campus at the seminary... The pro-life group has asked me to come and share our story of the last few years since we left the seminary.... God's story of Samuel, Hope and Levi...
Honestly, I am totally humbled. I am not in any way a public speaker. But given the opportunity to share about my kids and the miracles that He has worked through bringing each of them to us in such unique ways... I can't pass that up. If you think of it, I would appreciate any prayers... that I can articulate exactly what God wants me to, to this group of people. I can't wait to share with them the blessing and value of a life no matter how short or long it was lived here on earth.
The leader also wants me to talk about how we can help those that are grieving, and to leave time for questions. That will actually happen a week from today. Who knows, there may only be a few people there or more... I know God will bring the exact people that He wants to bring there.
Another sweet opportunity that has come my way is to help take over the infant loss support group that I attend every month, MEND Tulsa. Our wonderful leader is resigning and a sweet friend and I are going to take over the leadership. She will be the head director and I will assist her. When I heard that our leader was going to resign, the very first thing I thought was that there was no way that we could let this ministry end... it is too vital to so many mama's who have lost babies and to the many mama's who will lose babies in the future in the Tulsa area.
MEND was a lifeline to me in the first year and has been such a huge blessing to me since then. As much as others might think that they understand, unless they have lived it as well, they really don't fully understand. They can sympathize with you, but really don't "get it" so to speak.
So, to provide a safe place to heal and share with others who have walked in the same shoes, is so vital when your world has been turned upside down. I am really looking forward to continuing to use our "Samuel experience" to help give others hope... that you really will survive the loss. You will forever be changed. You will forever miss and grieve for that sweet baby... but God is faithful to carry you through...
I just wanted to share with you how God is still using our Samuel 33 months later... and that feels so good!
3 comments:
Wow, Praise God for his faithfulness! Sounds like awesome opportunities for you. :-) Im so glad that God does use tragedy to bring others close to his heart.
You know, 33 months in not really a long time. Its really not. On the one hand I can see how it is a HUGE accomplishment to have continued putting one foot in front of the other for the past 33 months- that is no easy task! But as far as this not feeling so fresh and so painful, I think it really makes sense that it still has the "yesterday" feeling to it. I mean, you lost you BABY (a very cute and beautiful baby, by the way) Im sure that on a regular basis you think of what Samuel would be doing now, at 33 months of age if he had not made his flight home to Jesus...Hope and Levi probably make milestones that make you wonder how Samuel would have fared at that activity. You think about ALL of your children on a daily basis- that's pretty normal for a mama to do! It just so happens that you have lost one of those precious lives, it doesn't mean you are not going to think of him.
I Haven't started nursing school yet but I have all my text books already.I was looking at it the other day while I fantasied about becoming a doula....There was a chapter in my ENORMOUS maternity and pediatric nursing book about pregnancy and infant loss. The emphasis in the book was really on the nurses roll to be compassionate to the family. I found myself thinking of you and your sweet Samuel. I haven't known anybody in my real-time life who has suffered the loss of a child/pregnancy- at least not that they have shared with me. One thing I wish the book would have included was a section of the chapter that said "things NOT to say." As a matter of fact, I felt on of the suggestions of things TO say would be incredibly difficult to hear, even if it was true from a medical stand-point. It was, "Most miscarriages happen because there is something genetically wrong with the baby. Its nothing you did."-- I just feel like if I was a freshly grieving mother I WOULD NOT want to hear that my precious baby was not perfect--although I understand the intent is to assure the woman that she did not do anything wrong in order to cause the miscarriage or whatever it was which is usually true, but couldn't they find a more tactful way to say that? Maybe "sometimes these things just happen but medical science has proven over and over that it is not usually anything the mother did, and that there was nothing she could have done to help the baby." or something, I don't know...I'm rambling here but as I read my book I found myself hoping they would have a guest speaker come and share about her experience with infant or pregnancy loss so that students could get a real picture as to what the people might be feeling.
AMEN! I stumbled onto your blog through another that I frequent. Almost 6 years ago I suffered a miscarriage at 5 months pregnancy. She was a baby, my baby, and it was so hard. But it was even harder when people acted as if she wasn't a "real" being. I miss and grieve for Zoe everyday, and reading your post helped me in some way to realize that its OK to value her as a real person. Thank you, and Samuel for that .
Sara, I know that God will have the exact words that He needs you to say when you speak in St. Louis. I knew deep down in my heart that you would be asked to speak to others about Samuel and your journey, that He would use the pain, tears, and growth to help others in their journey. I am very proud of you and your courage and faith.
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