So we are settling back into the homeschooling week. The kids have worked so hard despite all the struggles of this year and I am really proud of them. We usually hit it really hard in the beginning of the year, so things are already easing up a bit. They are loving the extra bit of play time, this is a gorgeous time of year here in OK. I am actually debating doing some of our school over the summer. I have never done that before, but living here where it is so hot in the summer, I am tossing the idea around. I figure if we hit History and Science hard over summer during those hours when it is almost too hot to be outside, it would lighten the load during the rest of the year. Do any of you homeschoolers out there do school over summer? I'd love any thoughts and advice on that. It is just an idea, so we will have to see what happens.
So the other night Louis came out quite a while after he had gone to bed. He asked right away, "Is God mad at you when you are mad at Him?" It is so interesting to me to see how each child in our family has grieved differently and at different levels. You can see the maturity of Louis, that he is experiencing the loss of Samuel in a much different way than the others. So we talked a lot about anger. We talked about God creating us with emotions and that it is important to not sin in our anger. I admitted to him, there are many times that I am still angry about what happened to Samuel. We talked about the stages of grief. I am glad he came out to talk, I hate to think of him in his room unable to sleep and stewing about things. I know how things seem so much worse at night, I have been there. The darkness and the mind are a powerful combination at times. So I was thankful that we could talk about it. Death brings about a lot of tough questions.
I am praising God that I have felt better this week. It is amazing all of the different levels of sorrow one can experience. I even set up an appt. to talk with the counselor in a month. She could see a difference in me as well. It is funny, I was a little freaked out to just say I was done and not have a time set up on the calendar... so putting it out a month felt good. I am so thankful for her and how she has helped me. Sometimes I think, it must be hard for her to counsel someone who has lost a child... because of her own loss, she knows the pain all too well. But God is using her in a way that most others can't be used. I am so thankful that she is willing to be used by him, in such a difficult way.
Someone mentioned to me, that they felt guilty when they felt good and had a good day, that they were in some way not still grieving their loss. I am thankful that at this point I don't feel that. I know I may down the road, I hope not though. I know the depth of my own pain most days so when the Lord gives me a break from the intensity of grief, I am relieved. I will praise Him for the reprieve. I know that it is an up and down journey so the valleys will return I am sure.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly Lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1 : 17
I am thankful for all of the gifts that God has given us. But especially today I am thankful that...
I am feeling better.
that... He doesn't change... He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
that... My husband has hung in there with me these past months... what a blessing and gift he is to me.
that.... The Lord keeps doors of communications open in our family to talk and heal in a healthy way.
that... the kids got a new pet... a pregnant rabbit who should have babies in about 3 weeks.
that... God has given us some beautiful sunny days, ahhh, that certainly helps to lift my spirits.
There is much to thank God for these days. He is Faithful to provide!