I often look at this picture of our WHOLE family, one of the few that we have, and inspect everyones faces. Each person's expressions tells so much of what they were feeling that day and also how they were processing what had happened. My heart grieves looking at my older boys and Greg's expressions. They were trying so hard to smile, yet you see the sadness in their eyes. Then you see sweet Anna and Jojo, certainly not really grasping all that had happened. Then there is sweet Samuel's body right there in the middle of us all.
That right there is what pains me too. His body was there, but not his spirit. Did he ever feel the love that this family had for him and still has? Did he know that love? Could he feel any of that when he was in my womb? Could he feel the love and excitement of his brothers and sister when they painted my belly? I know I did my best to care for him while he was growing inside me... but the thought they he may not have known the love of all of us, our whole family just saddens me.
I am going to be up front... this is not a feel good kind of post. So if you are looking for that you might not want to keep reading. But you know this is my blog, and I am going to be honest about where I am at and how I am feeling. I know there are many other women who are unfortunately, walking the same path I am on and I know they understand. I guess part of why I put it out there is to help others who aren't on the same path of grief to understand it a little better.
Today is Wednesday the 29th and tomorrow is Thursday the 30th. For some reason that makes it worse for me this month. Usually the 29th hasn't fallen on a Wednesday like it does this week. I remember exactly 6 months ago at this time, I was probably vacuuming the house clueless as to what had happened to Samuel yet... I hadn't noticed his lack of movement. Praise God I have had a better last couple of weeks... but I could slowly feel that slipping away over the past couple of days. Greg and I have really been in prayer about it... but I think that is part of the grief journey. For the past couple of weeks I felt like I could really accept God's will in taking Samuel so early. I didn't like it, or how it felt, but I could accept it. I didn't really have any questions that were pressing on my heart and mind. The anger and bitterness had subsided. Praise God!
Starting yesterday, with more disappointing news that we received, I could feel the questions coming back again. I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing between all of the stages of grief.... heck, I don't even know them all... I can't think clearly these days... grief, denial, acceptance, anger, grief, denial, acceptance, anger. It is exhausting! It is amazing how just when you feel you have conquered one or passed that stage you can go back and revisit it. You know with each disappointment that comes my way... I just question what is God's plan or purpose in all this pain and hurt? Last week I didn't feel the need to understand God's plan at all, this week it is different. I just don't understand his purpose in taking Samuel so soon. I feel like I keep getting put in almost unbearable situations... for example, a room full of people, this person could choose ANYWHERE to sit with the newborn she is holding, but yet chooses the seat right in front of me. She knows my situation. So there I sat with that newborns face over her shoulder bouncing in my face, having to watch them adore every coo and sweet thing that baby did. I get it...it is adorable. But when you just gave up your newborn it is not easy to watch, let alone have to watch so up close. I of course cried, almost got up and left, but the Lord gave me strength. Things like that, what is the purpose in that Lord?
One more example, this sweet birth mom who is living at our house, had a Dr.s appt. scheduled today at the same hospital we delivered Samuel at, on a Wednesday the 29th, at almost the exact same time we headed there to find out Samuel was already gone. I just knew I wouldn't be able to drive her to that place TODAY of all days. Does that make sense to anyone? Thankfully the appt. got cancelled. Now, I know it is no ones fault, but what are the chances of all of that coming together at the same time? Sometimes I wonder, what are you doing Lord, what is your purpose in all of this? You know there are times I wonder if I will ever see His good in all of this on this side of heaven. You hear of stillborns happening to others, rarely though, but why did it have to happen to us, to our family, to my children? Why not us, I guess?
I am weary today. I am tired of walking by the closet packed with diapers, (thanks to our generous congregation), wondering if the Lord will ever bless us with another child to use them on. I am tired of looking at the boxes of brand new, sweet, precious, baby clothes, and wondering if they will ever get used, I am tired of tired of snuggling up in sweet soft blankets and not snuggling up to my sweet soft baby boy. I am tired of my empty arms.
Mainly, today I am feeling brokenhearted again, my heart still aches everyday for Samuel, but today the intensity of it all is back. The kids talk every day about what he would be doing by now. I can't believe that he would be 6 months old already. Having had other children before Him, I FULLY know all that I am missing and that is hard. I know some may not want to hear all of this... but this the reality of what GRIEF looks like 6 months later, and it isn't really very pretty, nor does it feel pretty. So we would appreciate any prayers on our behalf. Greg and I both know the next couple of days will be rough. We are thankful that even during the brutal, really difficult times we know that the Lord is close to us.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit.