Wednesday, April 29, 2009

STILL SO MANY QUESTIONS

Our precious, precious Samuel


I often look at this picture of our WHOLE family, one of the few that we have, and inspect everyones faces. Each person's expressions tells so much of what they were feeling that day and also how they were processing what had happened. My heart grieves looking at my older boys and Greg's expressions. They were trying so hard to smile, yet you see the sadness in their eyes. Then you see sweet Anna and Jojo, certainly not really grasping all that had happened. Then there is sweet Samuel's body right there in the middle of us all.
That right there is what pains me too. His body was there, but not his spirit. Did he ever feel the love that this family had for him and still has? Did he know that love? Could he feel any of that when he was in my womb? Could he feel the love and excitement of his brothers and sister when they painted my belly? I know I did my best to care for him while he was growing inside me... but the thought they he may not have known the love of all of us, our whole family just saddens me.
I am going to be up front... this is not a feel good kind of post. So if you are looking for that you might not want to keep reading. But you know this is my blog, and I am going to be honest about where I am at and how I am feeling. I know there are many other women who are unfortunately, walking the same path I am on and I know they understand. I guess part of why I put it out there is to help others who aren't on the same path of grief to understand it a little better.
Today is Wednesday the 29th and tomorrow is Thursday the 30th. For some reason that makes it worse for me this month. Usually the 29th hasn't fallen on a Wednesday like it does this week. I remember exactly 6 months ago at this time, I was probably vacuuming the house clueless as to what had happened to Samuel yet... I hadn't noticed his lack of movement. Praise God I have had a better last couple of weeks... but I could slowly feel that slipping away over the past couple of days. Greg and I have really been in prayer about it... but I think that is part of the grief journey. For the past couple of weeks I felt like I could really accept God's will in taking Samuel so early. I didn't like it, or how it felt, but I could accept it. I didn't really have any questions that were pressing on my heart and mind. The anger and bitterness had subsided. Praise God!
Starting yesterday, with more disappointing news that we received, I could feel the questions coming back again. I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing between all of the stages of grief.... heck, I don't even know them all... I can't think clearly these days... grief, denial, acceptance, anger, grief, denial, acceptance, anger. It is exhausting! It is amazing how just when you feel you have conquered one or passed that stage you can go back and revisit it. You know with each disappointment that comes my way... I just question what is God's plan or purpose in all this pain and hurt? Last week I didn't feel the need to understand God's plan at all, this week it is different. I just don't understand his purpose in taking Samuel so soon. I feel like I keep getting put in almost unbearable situations... for example, a room full of people, this person could choose ANYWHERE to sit with the newborn she is holding, but yet chooses the seat right in front of me. She knows my situation. So there I sat with that newborns face over her shoulder bouncing in my face, having to watch them adore every coo and sweet thing that baby did. I get it...it is adorable. But when you just gave up your newborn it is not easy to watch, let alone have to watch so up close. I of course cried, almost got up and left, but the Lord gave me strength. Things like that, what is the purpose in that Lord?
One more example, this sweet birth mom who is living at our house, had a Dr.s appt. scheduled today at the same hospital we delivered Samuel at, on a Wednesday the 29th, at almost the exact same time we headed there to find out Samuel was already gone. I just knew I wouldn't be able to drive her to that place TODAY of all days. Does that make sense to anyone? Thankfully the appt. got cancelled. Now, I know it is no ones fault, but what are the chances of all of that coming together at the same time? Sometimes I wonder, what are you doing Lord, what is your purpose in all of this? You know there are times I wonder if I will ever see His good in all of this on this side of heaven. You hear of stillborns happening to others, rarely though, but why did it have to happen to us, to our family, to my children? Why not us, I guess?
I am weary today. I am tired of walking by the closet packed with diapers, (thanks to our generous congregation), wondering if the Lord will ever bless us with another child to use them on. I am tired of looking at the boxes of brand new, sweet, precious, baby clothes, and wondering if they will ever get used, I am tired of tired of snuggling up in sweet soft blankets and not snuggling up to my sweet soft baby boy. I am tired of my empty arms.
Mainly, today I am feeling brokenhearted again, my heart still aches everyday for Samuel, but today the intensity of it all is back. The kids talk every day about what he would be doing by now. I can't believe that he would be 6 months old already. Having had other children before Him, I FULLY know all that I am missing and that is hard. I know some may not want to hear all of this... but this the reality of what GRIEF looks like 6 months later, and it isn't really very pretty, nor does it feel pretty. So we would appreciate any prayers on our behalf. Greg and I both know the next couple of days will be rough. We are thankful that even during the brutal, really difficult times we know that the Lord is close to us.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

8 comments:

Ebe said...

Sara, Samuel is just so, so precious.

Your honesty is wonderful. It is so good to ask these hard questions, to be honest with others about them and the real pain that you are experiencing.
Because no one 'met' our babies or have shared memories of them, people just don't get the magnitude of our pain and the loss of our sweet babies- unless we can talk openly about our grief and our love for our babies.

I still have questions too, Sara. 18 months later, some days the questions are just the same.
But some days, there is a comfort and a peace filling everything around me and I don't need or want an answer. I pray for these days to come to you as well.
Praying for you, and missing Samuel with you,
ebe

Rachel said...

Thank you for being open, Sara, even if it isn't what the world deems "pretty" Your heartache and grief over Samuel's absence on earth is one of the ways you parent him since he isn't here. It shows your deep love for him and gives his legacy more meaning as it teaches non-grievers what this is like and will help future grievers as they navigate this difficult journey. I'm praying for you and am constantly reminded of how you must be feeling. You're not alone even if it feels like that at times

Pink Slippers said...

Praying for you.

Heather said...

Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your heart ~ it gives me a chance to pray for you and shows me a bit of what your experience must be like. My heart aches for you and your family, for your loss and your pain.

This is my prayer for you today from 2 Thess. 2.16,17 - Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and our God and Father, who has loved us and given us everlasting consolation and good hope by grace, comfort your hearts and establish you in every good word and work.

Laura said...

sigh. I hurt with you, Sara. Grief is so painful. When those questions came to my mind when Mya died, and I would try to understand WHY God would allow my sweet, perfect baby to die, a verse that gave me some comfort was Isaiah 55:8-9:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

The reason I found it comforting is because it meant I didn't HAVE to understand WHY. God's mind is WAY bigger than mine and even though I couldn't possibly find a good reason, it didn't mean that He doesn't have one.

I think the ups and downs that you are experiencing are normal.

I feel sad that you had to experience the situation with the newborn sitting right in front of you. That is torture! I can remember the SIMPLEST things being hard for me. A commercial on TV with a pregnant woman was even hard.

Casadeboggs said...

Bless your heart friend, our prayers will not cease for you. We'll be praying for you in the days to come too...we love you!!

Ellena said...

I am Dianna (DD) Barkette's niece. She gave us the link to your blog after Samuel, and asked us to pray for you guys. I've been following ever since, and I wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your family!

Ellena

Samantha said...

Sara,
Our family will be praying for yours Sara. Thank you for sharing your honest, open, precious heart. Praying for comfort and peace for you friend. Love you,Sam