AND COWBOY BOOTS:)
Yes, these are 2 of the 5 people that keep me going each day... Anna and Jojo. Jojo is one of those kids that continually cracks you up by his goofy antics. He likes to run around not fully clothed. The other day when I looked outside to see what all the laughing was about, the first thing I saw was Jojo naked jumping on the trampoline. Now how could I help but laugh and tell him to put some clothes back on:) He makes me smile.
God has been gracious this week. I have always had a relationship with my Lord, but that has been taken to a whole new level over the last 6 months. I feel like I used to think I really knew Him, now I feel like as much as we think we know Him... He is SOOOOOO beyond our understanding. And certainly what he allows or ordains is way beyond our understanding as well. You know when things are going well, it is easy to understand and appreciate His ways. We have learned first hand it doesn't always go the way we think it will or hope it will. But the less I understand Him and His ways the more I am resting in Him. I am trusting that His ways are good. I feel like it is a constant surrendering for me. My life is not what I had planned at all. I never expected to have to say goodbye to a child before I ever really had a chance to say hello. I am surrendering to his ways... it isn't easy, but I am doing it day by day, sometimes moment by moment.
I have never relied on my Lord more than I have as of late. Mornings are definitely the hardest for me. That hasn't always been the case, right after Samuel died, nights were by far the hardest... Lots of nightmares, not much sleep, lots of soaking my pillow with tears, and lots of despair. For me everything has always appeared worse after midnight, and that certainly was the case in my grief. Now, almost 6 months later, I would have to say that mornings are the hardest. This is the crazy thing about grief, it changes you. I am normally a very positive, optimistic person all of the time. But for some reason... the obvious reason, I wake up each day feeling a great sadness surround me. I don't even have to think about it, it is just there. I don't think that it is something I can control at all. Before, being the positive person I am, I would've thought that one could control that. Now I know if it isn't something I have experienced personally I can not EVER say how someone should feel or react. Obviously we hope to react to grief or loss in a way that would glorify God. But I think He gets it. He heard the prayers that were raised for over 2 years for that sweet little boy. He knows how much we all loved Samuel from the minute he was conceived. He is love. He must understand the sadness of losing one we love so dearly. He lost His only son.
Ok, back to my mornings. Usually I lay there and pray for a while before I can get the gumption to get out of bed. I think that is the start of my surrender and reliance on the Lord... from the minute I open my eyes I am struck with the truth that I can not make it through the day with out Him. I start the day asking him to walk it with me minute by minute. I am continually asking for His peace, comfort, and sustaining power, to rest on me as I move through the day. It really is complete reliance on HIM.
I used to be able to handle the tasks of my day with ease... homeschool the 3 older kids, keep Jojo busy, cook the meals, keep the house somewhat presentable etc. Since October that has changed. You know I could do it before... not that I was always doing it well. But it really feels so much better to know I can't do it on my own. It is kind of freeing, it takes the pressure off somehow. I know HE IS ABLE. So I will just rest in Him to do it through me.
So here is where the patience comes in... what will He do in us and through us as a couple and family. I feel like God has great things in store for us ministry wise relating to the loss of Samuel. I just have no idea what it is. And maybe it isn't any particular thing, maybe it is just how God will use us to minister and offer comfort to others who have a loss in the future. My eyes have been opened in a new way to hurting people around me. We will continue to surrender and rest in Him as we see His plans unfold.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE, because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his mercies never fail, they are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. I say to myself the Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him. Lamentations 3:21-24
AMEN TO THAT!