To say or not to say... that is the question??

Day 7... What not to say...

Let me start off by saying that I am so thankful to God for bringing me to a place where I can handle so much more of what people might say to me... It may get under my skin a bit...  but earlier in my grief journey certain comments added more pain to the pain I was already feeling and truthfully sometimes sent me into feeling really badly for longer than I would like to admit...

I really don't want to focus on what not to say... but at the same time I think that it might be helpful to others to know some of things in general that aren't good to say to grieving mommies..  I know that even some of these things may not have been said with the intent to hurt a grieving mom... and most people have good intentions... but the end result is the same that these comments can hurt...

1.  If you haven't lost a baby, don't say that you understand... I literally have had people tell me that they understood what I was feeling because they from time to time glanced at Samuel's picture and shed some tears... This can only lead to invalidating what a grieving mom feels... To feel that pain 24/7 is much different then thinking about it on occassion...

2.  Don't say, "You can have another child, you are still young."  You never know, that person may not be able to have more children... that was a VERY REAL possibility for us... We tried to get pregnant for years with Samuel... and then it took adopting embryos to be able to have another... one just never knows...

3.  Don't tell someone to be thankful for the children that they do have...  I have used this analogy many times... Pretend I have 2 good legs and 2 good arms... All of a sudden I lose one of those good legs in a horrific accident... I would still need to learn how to function without my missing leg ... I would need to relearn many things... I would miss my leg even though I still had one other leg and 2 good arms... Even though one may have other children, and be INCREDIBLY thankful for them... they will still be missing their child that isn't with them any more... 2 more kids, 10 more kids... it doesn't matter... none of them could take the place of the child that has died.

4.  Please don't tell some one that the child must have had some health issue... When you lose a child you just love them deeply no matter what... you would have loved them with or with out a disease... It just doesn't bring comfort.

5.  Please don't compare losses... for ex. by saying, "Wouldn't it have been harder if that child would have been born alive but lived to 2 or 5 years of age?"  You know, it really doesn't matter how long you had that child with you... 5 weeks, 40 weeks in the womb, or beyond... that child was loved and deeply valued... saying something like that only seems to feel like someone is trying to minimize your loss...

6.  Please don't tell people that you don't want to make them sad by bringing up their child... the truth is... they are already sad... and truthfully they are probably already thinking about it...

7.  Don't tell them you wish they were the person they used to be... most likely there is a HUGE part of them that misses the old person they were as well.  They are probably still trying to figure out how to live as this new person...

8.  Don't make remarks like... "It has been _____ long, aren't you over that by now, or you are still thinking about that? There is no time table for grief... many different factors contribute to how the grieving process goes for someone... You really don't get over it... you learn to cope with it better and your sort of get through it, not over it and  only by the grace of God...

9. In the early days of grief, don't use Christian Cliches... for example... God works all things for the good... While that is TOTALLY true...  It usually takes a bit for someone to get to that point... and it sort of just makes them feel unrelateable...

There are soooo many more things I could mention but those are some of the big ones off the top of my head...

Day 8:  Here are some things to do or say...

1.  Mention their child by name... they don't hear that name very often and it will be like music to their ears.

2.  Rather than give that person your number and say call me if you need to ... Actually pick up the phone and call them... I had various people write their number in a card (thank you if you actually did that:)  and would mention for me to call if need be... but honestly, I just DID NOT have the energy to pick up the phone and call, yet when someone called me after the first month or so I really did want to talk.

3.  If you call in the early days and don't hear back from that person... keep calling every once in a while... even if you just say... " I was thinking of you... I was praying for you... I thought of _____ today"   A lot of times in those early days that person may just not be up for conversation.

4.  Even if you are uncomfortable... Try to get over that hump and put yourself out there... most people feel like some one else MUST be talking to that grieving mama... but chances are more likely that someone isn't talking to them.  No matter how uncomfortable you are... chances are they are far more uncomfortable grieving alone...

5.  Sometimes you don't even have to say anything... just give them a hug and tell them you love them.

6.  Cry with them... Share that burden with them... that is what the body of Christ was designed to do...

7.  Ask specific questions... not just how are you??  But maybe... What has been the hardest part about losing _____ as of late?  What was your favorite memory of ______?  What is one thing that I can do for you to help you this week.

8.  Do make and deliver food...

9.  Do pay attention to the answers you receive from the grieving person... For example... if you ask, How are you doing?  And the person replies with a tentative... "hanging in there."  or "ok."  chances are that is an open door for further talking...  They are probably just hanging on by a thread...

10.  Give the person time to share about the specific experience of loss... Let them tell their story... This kind of intense painful experience needs many tellings...  And chances are if they don't feel like it they will tell you...

11.  Do encourage them greatly and walk along side of them... Celebrate the small healing victories with them...

12.  Do reassure them that the life of their baby mattered, was valued, and will not be forgotten by you...

13.  Do remember that day in future years... you do not know what a gift that will be to them.

14.  Do love them exactly where they are at in their journey... try not to judge them in any way... that just adds to their pain.

Wow... I think I could go on and on here too... But that will give you somethings to chew on:):) 

 Day 9  Jewelry
I had this necklace made shortly after Samuel died... I love it!  I love having something that represents him close to my heart... I have a few different necklaces that either I purchased or were given to me... I rarely am with out one on me...
Sorry for being long winded:)