Friday, October 5, 2012

Capturing your grief...

Carly Marie who wrote Samuel's name in the sand for me on the beach in Australia is doing a series this month called Capture your grief... I know that I won't participate every day... but I may just do some summary posts every few days or so...

Day 2... Before the loss...

I remember taking this picture like it was yesterday... Sitting in the back of our minivan watching the kids play in the driveway just a few days before my due date... Just days... I thought maybe even just hours before our little one would be in my arms...
Day 3... After the loss
mmmm... I loved touching his soft skin and putting his head right up against my face and cheek... my big beautiful 9 lb. 2 oz Samuel.  
The pictures that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer took are some of my most treasured possessions.  And really they are pretty much the only pictures taken of me after the loss for at least 6 months... I couldn't find any others... It is amazing to me how I was a completely different person than I was in the other picture posted above... In a matter of days... complete life change... 

I am so thankful that even though I have changed... my relationships have changed... my thoughts and feelings have changed... my heart has changed... 
That the Lord NEVER changes... He is the same yesterday, today and forever!  
He was the same before Samuel died and after... 

Although to be completely honest... it took me a long time to wrestle out what my relationship with Him was gonna entail after that... I wasn't sure I could trust in His plans for me...
Oh the Lord has brought great healing to a lot of areas of life...
Day 5 Memorial... 
Just one of the things I did in memory of Samuel was to get his footprint tattooed on my foot.   I love it!  I love that it is like I have a part of him with me all the time...It also has given me so many opportunities to talk about him when I other wise wouldn't have had the chance.  Oh, how I treasure the chance to talk about him with someone who really wants to hear...still...

Another thing that we keep close are Samuel's ashes... I am so thankful that those are his earthly remains, but that his soul is safely in Heaven...

I remember the day Greg went to pick up Samuel's ashes from the funeral home... It was the same day that his death certificate came in the mail... Not a good day at all... He had a meeting that night that he wasn't allowed to miss... so in he walked with our son in a box and out he walked shortly there after.  It wasn't a good night to be alone... I know it wasn't at all his fault... Greg would have done anything for me, I know that...
 
This might be too much for some people... but it is a reality of life for me... I remember distinctly him being home later that night... I don't know what it was... but I just had to look at his ashes... It was all I had left of him in the physical sense...  Well let me just say... I was hysterical...   I was screaming for Greg from across the house ... Honestly, it is a wonder to me that I survived moments like that at all... It is only by the grace of God... It wasn't at all what I expected... in fact we almost took them back to the funeral home because it just didn't seem right for them to be how they were... I think they should have explained it all a little better in the beginning...

As much as there are times that I wish I had somewhere to visit... I love that I can walk out to our Samuel garden and feel close to him... and I am so thankful that his ashes are here with us.  I wouldn't want them anywhere else.  We were not sure we were going to be staying here when Samuel died and I could not bear the thought of leaving him here... So cremating him was by far the best option for us...  
 
This journey of grief and loss is never what I really have expected.  
Even now as we get ready to celebrate Samuel's 4th birthday in Heaven there is much processing to do.  
I mourn for some of the changes in relationships around me that I KNOW would be so different if Samuel had lived... it is hard...
Sometimes I still feel like people don't forgive me for the person that I am now and the changes that have taken place in me... I know there are many that can and do embrace me for who I am now...(And I am soooooo thankful to God for them!!)  But there are others that I think honestly don't really want much to do with me... that is hard...  You can't go back... you can't change what happened... Trust me if there was anything I could have done to keep him here... I would have...But you are left to continue on as best as you know how with a part of your heart in Heaven... not an easy task...  And I guess it is not an easy task for some to just love you for who you are and where you are at... and embrace you hurt, tears, joys, progress, healing, pain and all...
That is still something that I have to work through... 
 
I am so thankful for a Savior who knows exactly what I need... Who fills those voids when others can't... He is so good and faithful and I am so thankful for the friends and family that He has given me who have walked along side of me... 


 
 
 

4 comments:

Becky said...

Whew, crying after reading that. How can it be four years? I remember too that picture of you guys in the van ( I have a similar one of you in my mind, us pulling away from your church and the wind catching your maternity shirt, we were laughing and anticipating his arrival) and then a few weeks later - the tears splashing on the sidewalk with your friends crying and praying for you in your old backyard. I remember too how you felt about Samuel's ashes, the details of your support and the people around you...MEND, the photos that tried to capture that day. Praying for you dear friend, love you~Becky

Shelley of The Faust Five said...

I love you just the way you are! Your experiences have made you who are today....for a reason. His reason.

Anonymous said...

Thankful for who you are and how you are walking this journey. Love you, sweet friend. chris and mary

Tesha said...

SO beautiful Sara I am crying. The things you wrote to say and not say are perfect you really have a great ability to put it into words. I feel like it has been such a short amount of time after losing Jonathan people would remember that they said that to me. I feel the same way about being different also. It has been hard on so many relationships in my life what a true gift to feel unconditionally loved by some! You did a wonderful job writing this post my friend.