Thursday, October 11, 2012

Moments that knock the wind right out of you....


I am sure to most people four years seems like 4 years... feels like 1460 days... 
For me in regards to certain things in life it does feel like that...
In regards to other things, like remembering my time with Samuel after he was born it doesn't...

Memories like that are etched in my heart and mind like it was yesterday...
And sometimes things happen that unexpectedly send you right back to that moment...

While what happened the other night was not at all meant to hurt me... or may seem like a total downer to most... I share it just to let others know the on going struggle and pain of loss that can happen even when you least expect it...

What most people expect you to get over in a certain amount of time... Just plainly doesn't happen... 
You may heal, you may have more good days than bad days, you may find much more happiness and joy in your days... 
But really that HUGE loss, the memories, the trauma, that deep pain is sort of just below the surface or right in your subconscious... sort of waiting for the perfect storm or set of circumstances to unleash it.... so to speak... 

2 nights ago I unexpectedly experienced that set of circumstances... and honestly... I am still recovering... I miss Samuel so so much... I would give anything just to be able to go back to that day... Even with all of the sadness, just to hold him again, just to snuggle his sweet precious body up to my face and breath in his perfect little scent... just to be able to see him in Greg's arms... my kids arms... just to touch his soft velvety skin... All of it, I would do it over again in an instant...

It sort of leaves me thinking... Really God??? How did all of this come together like this????  What??? Why tonight?  Why with Greg, soooo unassuming and with not a bad intent or bone in his body???  The crazy thing is, even in this I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW... that the Lord will use this fresh hurt for something... I will understand better another grieving mama or hurting heart... that is my cry Lord... use even this... Please, use it for your glory somehow at some point in time...

 
So 2 nights ago Greg  got home from his elder meeting around 9:30... I was busy cleaning up the little kids room... In he walks... My eyes immediately drop to what he is holding in his hands... my heart sank... I immediately recognized what he was holding but was literally frozen... 


He of course has no clue and starts to say... "Yeah, so and so brought these rags up to church... they are from the hospital (I immediately start shaking my head NO... NO... and saying No... NO...) he goes on to say they are the rags they use up there at the hospital... they are all cleaned but we can use them..." Once he looked me in the face and noticed what I was doing and saying he said, "What???  What is going on?? "
 
 
Those were the exact blue cloths that  they used during my delivery with Samuel... That is what they wrapped him in when he was first put on my chest... They aren't soft and never should have been used knowing that the skin on babies that are already dead is already loosening up... They tore him up big time on his stomach and neck especially... (I am still am a bit mad at that... so thankful that his face was fine... But they should have known that... ugh)
 
Oh my word... I was a wreck... talk about immediately feeling like you were right back in that moment looking over every bit of his body and taking all that he was into my mind...   I  haven't thought of those stupid blue rags in months... Of course haven't seen them in almost 4 years...but immediately, I knew in an instant what they were... I will never forget them.... 
 
I feel bad... poor Greg... had not idea... and even in that, I feel some extra sadness... Greg, Samuel's dad had no idea, no recollection of the rags... Me, Samuel's mom... I will never forget them... 
 
There are times you feel so alone in the missing... It just once again goes to remind of how different the loss is for a mom and dad, how differently we bear that burden because we carried that baby, we grew that baby, we longed for that baby... (I am not at all judging Greg or meaning one ill thing about him... I love my husband, and how he cares for me... but honestly, it does hurt at times that even he can't truly relate to my loss...He feels it, but he feels it differently...)
 
 The mind is a strange thing and it is so interesting to me the things that trigger memories that you would never expect... But even in that I know that God sees the bigger picture and I am thankful for that...


 


These were taken just minutes after he was born... I distinctly remember just trying to sear in my memory every little detail about his face and the rest of him....  
Man, I miss that little guy sooooo much!

  So thankful that He is happy and whole in Heaven, but this mama's heart hurts...

38 comments:

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...
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Heather said...

Oh, Sara. I remember so clearly, standing in worship that Sunday, sobbing as they played "You Never Let Go" in Contemporary. Thinking of you and your beautiful Samuel Mark...knowing, but wondering how the Lord would walk you through the tragedy. Thinking, loving and praying for you, as always. It is truly amazing how differently men and women grieve. God created men and women so unique, I love to look at it as us complementing one another:). Have a great day, friend.

Anonymous said...

praying for you this minute. Would you call me when you have a chance. I just want to hear your voice and cry with you...over loss...and loneliness...and broken hearts in which the Lord knows every crack. I am feeling that loss"y" feeling too. chris and mary

Anonymous said...

Sara, I couldn't help but tear up, my heart seeming to break along with yours as I read your blog and watch you go through the memories of everything you have been through. I will not say I understand, because I don't. Only know that I am a mama who is praying for you and your family and the heartbreak you have experienced.

Tonya said...

Sara, I love these pictures. So raw and real and full of love and sorrow. Is it weird that I love them? I wish I had pictures like this of Grady. Samuel was so perfect and beautiful. You grew him so well. My heart still aches for Grady as I know yours does for Samuel, especially at this time of year. Thinking of you, praying for you and sending you big (((HUGS))) and lots of LOVE! Love you!!!

Blessed said...

I read this yesterday, and keep thinking about your story. I am so sorry that your pain was thrown back at you like that with the rags. I am also very mad at your hospital that they would even have used rags to hold your baby. It's not even a matter of your baby's skin being damaged by the rough texture--what message were they sending you?! They should have used whatever regular baby blankets they always use. : (

Ebe said...

Sara. I love you. I'm so sorry.

I had one of these moments today. Thinking about what Owen was buried in. *sigh* big hugs to you, friend.
love you.

Tesha said...

Hi Sara I have somehow missed your post:( I can imaging seeing those ragas would take you right back. Sometimes I am taken right back to that room also and stunned by the pain and sadness. My husband is much the same he grieves but differently and he dose not notice details. I love these pictures of sweet Samuel! This is the first good look I have gotten of his face. He is soooo beautiful! I am so very thankful you blog your feelings and experiences it helps me more than your will ever know, thank you!

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