Tuesday, October 30, 2012

4 years since I held you...



I honestly can not fathom that 4 full years have passed since that one day I got to hold Samuel outside of my womb and in my arms.

I would go back to that day in a second.  I would experience the crass nurse who just peeked her head in the door and said curtly, "the ultra sound showed no cardiac activity in the baby... your doctor is on his way...", the unrecognizable groanings of my grieving heart, the labor pains, the point of knowing it was time to push him out but stopping and saying, "No, I just can't do it!"  (I was soooooo afraid to actually see his lifeless body before me)  

But I would do it all again in an instant to get to hold my sweet Samuel again.  The second he was out... All the nurses were crying, the midwife, and the doctor... you could hear the sniffles all over the room... But they weren't coming from me at all.  In that moment, I was purely overcome with the preciousness of the creation before me.  It was almost unfathomable that he could be so perfectly created, but not be alive... I was totally enamored with every little or big 9 lb. 2 oz :) bit of him.  He was downright beautiful. All I wanted to do was scoop him right up into my arms... put his skin right next to mind and breath him in... every single bit of him...  My son... the baby I carried for 40 weeks and 1 day... I finally was meeting him face to face... Even though I knew his soul was already with the Lord there was something about holding that little one and finally being able to drink in every little detail that I had wondered about for 40 weeks. 


What I wouldn't do to be able to have the time with him again... but truly, it would ALL  be for my sake... I would NEVER wish him back to earth for his sake...  How could I?  

Today, 4 years later... I am grateful... SO VERY GRATEFUL...  

That the Lord chose me to be his mommy... What a precious gift he was and still is to us...
That  I got the chance to see him and hold him...
That I have pictures to help me remember the tiniest of details...
For the incredible ways that God has used Samuel to touch others hearts...
For all the people that the Lord has brought into my life that I probably would never have known had Samuel not been a part of my life...
For all the Lord has taught me through losing a child...
For the richness that is a part of my life because of him...
For the incredible ways the Lord has changed me...
For the incredible faithfulness of the Father to carry us through the unthinkable... and for the perspective that it gives us for the future...
For the appreciation and wonder it gives me for all of my kids and family...
For how he has used and continues to use my deep pain and loneliness to touch my heart for others that are hurting...
For how clear he makes it everyday that this is not my home...

I will say one of the things that I am most grateful for has been how deeply and differently I think about my Heavenly home... 

I can't really fully describe the longing I have for Heaven...
There are moments that I totally ache for it...
While I am so very happy to be here fully living and experiencing life with my precious earthly family... I can not wait for Heaven... I can't not wait to meet my Savior face to face... and I can not wait for the joyful reunion it will be when I set my eyes on my son again... No more goodbyes...EVER!!!  

While we never know the number of days we have left here on earth... it could be a few days, a few months, a few years, or many... 

but I rejoice today that I am a full 4 years closer to Heaven... 4 years closer to seeing my Samuel again... scooping him up in my arms... and 4 years closer to my eternal home...

I recently found this song... it is beautiful and expresses what my heart is feeling 4 years after having to let go of my son and all of the earthly dreams I had for my precious Samuel Mark...





4 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh Sara....how precious are the memories of your Samuel and what hope and confidence you have that you will see him again. I am touched by your story. Thank you so much for sharing. I had not heard this song until today....how appropriate too, since it has been exactly 6 months since I lost my little boy. So glad we know one another through our children who have gone before us.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. Oh his perfect little feet. Just amazing. Love you
Beth

Tesha said...

The way you express your grief is so very beautiful It is raw and real but so seasoned with hope. It is a deep hope and faith in the Lord. I can hear it in your writing. Sara you are very gifted at writing about Samuel, your experience and grief. I sometimes feel there is such an element of HOPE and HEALING missing from the Baby loss community. Here I read and feel the pain and the truth but also such beautiful hope. I pray someday the Lord uses you in even greater capacity, than this blog to minister to hurting mommies. I really believe you have a gift to inspire hope and healing. Praying for you my friend during this season. I also have such an anticipation for heaven:)

K and K and kids said...

Sara, I want to thank you for what you wrote about your Samuel. I was given the link to your blog by my cousin and just two weeks and three days ago had to say goodbye to our Hunter who was born at 39 weeks and three days. This is fresh and so real to me but I share that same hope with you and rejoicing in my heart that he is with God and experiencing heaven to the fullest! Yes I so long to hold him and would have loved to share in this life on earth with him and have him open those eyes but God has big plans for him in heaven! thank YOU I am now going to listen to the song :)