4 years since I held you...

I honestly can not fathom that 4 full years have passed since that one day I got to hold Samuel outside of my womb and in my arms.

I would go back to that day in a second.  I would experience the crass nurse who just peeked her head in the door and said curtly, "the ultra sound showed no cardiac activity in the baby... your doctor is on his way...", the unrecognizable groanings of my grieving heart, the labor pains, the point of knowing it was time to push him out but stopping and saying, "No, I just can't do it!"  (I was soooooo afraid to actually see his lifeless body before me)  

But I would do it all again in an instant to get to hold my sweet Samuel again.  The second he was out... All the nurses were crying, the midwife, and the doctor... you could hear the sniffles all over the room... But they weren't coming from me at all.  In that moment, I was purely overcome with the preciousness of the creation before me.  It was almost unfathomable that he could be so perfectly created, but not be alive... I was totally enamored with every little or big 9 lb. 2 oz :) bit of him.  He was downright beautiful. All I wanted to do was scoop him right up into my arms... put his skin right next to mind and breath him in... every single bit of him...  My son... the baby I carried for 40 weeks and 1 day... I finally was meeting him face to face... Even though I knew his soul was already with the Lord there was something about holding that little one and finally being able to drink in every little detail that I had wondered about for 40 weeks. 

What I wouldn't do to be able to have the time with him again... but truly, it would ALL  be for my sake... I would NEVER wish him back to earth for his sake...  How could I?  

Today, 4 years later... I am grateful... SO VERY GRATEFUL...  

That the Lord chose me to be his mommy... What a precious gift he was and still is to us...

That  I got the chance to see him and hold him...

That I have pictures to help me remember the tiniest of details...

For the incredible ways that God has used Samuel to touch others hearts...

For all the people that the Lord has brought into my life that I probably would never have known had Samuel not been a part of my life...

For all the Lord has taught me through losing a child...

For the richness that is a part of my life because of him...

For the incredible ways the Lord has changed me...

For the incredible faithfulness of the Father to carry us through the unthinkable... and for the perspective that it gives us for the future...

For the appreciation and wonder it gives me for all of my kids and family...

For how he has used and continues to use my deep pain and loneliness to touch my heart for others that are hurting...

For how clear he makes it everyday that this is not my home...

I will say one of the things that I am most grateful for has been how deeply and differently I think about my Heavenly home... 

I can't really fully describe the longing I have for Heaven...

There are moments that I totally ache for it...

While I am so very happy to be here fully living and experiencing life with my precious earthly family... I can not wait for Heaven... I can't not wait to meet my Savior face to face... and I can not wait for the joyful reunion it will be when I set my eyes on my son again... No more goodbyes...EVER!!!  

While we never know the number of days we have left here on earth... it could be a few days, a few months, a few years, or many... 

but I rejoice today that I am a full 4 years closer to Heaven... 4 years closer to seeing my Samuel again... scooping him up in my arms... and 4 years closer to my eternal home...

I recently found this song... it is beautiful and expresses what my heart is feeling 4 years after having to let go of my son and all of the earthly dreams I had for my precious Samuel Mark...

Missing you...

I often wonder about the exact moment he met his Savior face to face... I think about the Lord softly calling his name as he was ushered from this life in my womb right into the gates of Heaven...

Was he feeling any pain?
If it truly was a cord accident... Did he sort of just fall asleep... and open up his eyes to meet his Savior?

It bothers me that I was sound asleep and no idea what was going on...
mmmm... It is hard not to think about the details of that day October 29th 2008 early in the day when I first realized something was wrong and later that day when my worst fears were confirmed...

So Here I am 4 years since the day he went to Heaven...

I love him more and more with each passing day...
I miss him just as much as I did back then...
My heart swells with thankfulness for the gift of his precious life...
I am so thankful for the healing the Father has done in my heart...
In the same breath I am thankful for those that understand that even though he has been gone for 4 years and my heart is still healing or maybe learning how to better cope.. I still have bad days... I still ache for him... I still think about him sooooo often... and that is completely normal...

I love you so much Samuel, my life is forever changed because of the time that I had with you.  You are one of the greatest gifts of my life.  Even though you never breathed a breath of air on this earth you mattered.  Every single minute of your life had value.  God created you for a purpose!  God knit you together perfectly and your life brings Him glory!  I rejoice in that.   When I think of the thing that I desire most for my kids it would obviously be that I could spend eternity with them.  I am so thankful that you are in the presence of our Heavenly Father and that you are safe.... much safer than you would be here with us:)  And I am so thankful for the Hope that I can have to see you again...

Missing you so deeply today... Longing and aching for our whole family to be together again... So thankful that even though life seems long and hard at times... in the scope of eternity, life here on earth is just a little blip:) Can not wait for you to show me around when I arrive in God's perfect timing...

PONDERING...

Levi pondering... this great change in the weather:)

Love this cool crisp weather we are having... refreshing...

FINALLY:)

mmmm.... pure yumminess!

Every time I look into the eyes of these 2 little sweeties I see the faithfulness of our God on display in my life...  They are such a gift to me...

(By the way, this is totally a typical Hope shot... always spicing things up a bit:) Speaking of spicing things up... that little girl ate a whole jalapeno pepper with dinner tonight... CRAZY!  She loves Tabasco with Mexican food... She cracks me up!

  Today Anna and Jo went on a field trip with our coop... The boys were doing their online class and I had some sweet time to just enjoy hanging out with the 2 little ones.  SO.MUCH.FUN!!!
The turd Levi shared in the bath tub... NOT.SO.MUCH.FUN!!!  :)  Gotta love it!

The kids were having some fun with Levi's hair... Can you tell?

I tell you, he has to have some of the softest, squishiest skin ever... it is so yummy!  

Yesterday at our home school coop, I had a new gal walk up and tell me how much he looks like me...SMILE!  It gave me another chance to share the beautiful, precious story of how his life came to be!  

Levi, our precious snowflake baby! 

Our beans and rice challenge...:)

I am convicted...

How many times have I let veggies in my frig go bad before we use them up?
How many times have I walked into my overflowing pantry and thought, there is nothing good to eat in here?
How many times have  I thought I really don't want to eat those same left overs AGAIN...
How many times have I heard these words uttered from my own children's lips, "I don't like the taste of that."

Far too many... and my heart can't take our self absorption and ungratefulness for the OVER ABUNDANCE that we have...

Really, where in the world can you literally eat for days, maybe even weeks or months just off of the food in your pantry??  It is actually sickening to me...

In all honestly, my kids are great eaters and rarely picky... they eat what is put in front of them... I am not a special order cook... but even with being great eaters there can be such ungratefulness for all that the Lord has put before us...We are blessed with variety of food like you wouldn't believe... yet we are still ungrateful or discontent with what we have to eat... So so sad!!

So we as a family decided to come up with the beans and rice Challenge.... Thanks to Linny at www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com we were made aware of World Hunger Day last week... We totally stole their family idea to eat beans and rice with or hands for lunch that day.

We had some amazing discussion about how different other people have to live.  We talked about how many people only get 2 meals a day to eat, sometimes not even that... We also talked about how those 2 meals are likely a variation of the other in many cases... i.e.  corn meal mush in the morning... corn meal cakes for dinner.  We discussed how there are kids in Honduras that are literally picking through the garbage at the dump and are finding food that had been thrown away to eat... i.e. half eaten banana (days old) piece of chicken (days old) 1/2 rotten veggies (days old) all possibly thrown right in the trash next to a dirty diaper.... and that might be all they have to eat that day.

We in America have such a warped sense of reality at times...

So we decided we will eat beans and rice for lunch till almost Thanksgiving.

We are praying it:

Simplifies life...
Gets our focus more where it ought to be...
 Makes us so much more grateful for all we have to eat...
Makes us so much more grateful for all the blessings we have...
 Takes our eyes off of ourselves and puts them on others...
Makes our hearts more sensitive and tender for the great needs of others...

and in the MEAN TIME raises some extra money (the money we saved on what we would have spent eating different stuff for lunch, and whatever else we each individually in our family, feel led to give at the end of our challenge) to take and deliver to orphans we meet and care for in Uganda in January!

Really, I know this is nothing... no big deal... eating beans and rice alone for lunch for a month or so... Nothing...

But we are praying that God uses this little thing and teaches us BIG THINGS in the process...
Want to join us?? :):)

Ahhh.... Fall

 Caleb, right near the top of the tree with the bed he had made to rest in... OH MY!!!:)  Boys!

See that little dark spot about 4 feet from the top of the tree, that sort of looks like a nest?  That would be where Caleb build his bed:)

Fall... oh... Bitter sweet fall...

I am so glad fall has arrived in full swing... We had gorgeous weather today and will tomorrow for the tailgating party at church:)

The kids have had a ball climbing the trees this week.  We normally don't take a fall break like everyone else... but they did work so hard during the rest of the week that we did take Friday off... 

It was NICE!  

Greg and the boys started the say by taking our 75 year old widowed neighbor out golfing... Literally the course costs $10.  I guess it is quite the course... something crazy always happens:)  But they had a blast with our sweet neighbor.  She is such a gift.  She could be grumpy and annoyed with all the noise that comes from our direction... but she isn't.  She loves the kids and we are so blessed by that:)

I have so much to share... But right now Days 4 and 5 of my Sunday School class homework is calling my name:) 

Company as quick as a flash:)

We just had precious friends, the Bogg's family, come and stay for a quick overnight just this past Thursday...

They were on their way to attend an adoption seminar at our agency just a couple of hours from us... just talking with my sweet friend Becky tonight about how great our agency is got me so excited to share with you again more details about why and and what brought us to this point again to add another precious one to our family...  I realized I never really gave all of those details to you all.  That will be my next post:)

Hope and her God parents:)  Greg and I had talked about adopting for years... but it wasn't until we met the Boggs that we really starting to do some research... They have 7 kiddos here on earth with them.  And when I met their first children that were adopted while we at the seminary together...the wheels in our brains for adoption really started to turn... Thank you Jesus for using friends in our lives to help reveal part of your plan for our family!

Levi and Micah.  Levi was totally enamored with another little one around like him.

Our crew and part of their crew... they left 4 home with Grandma and Grandpa:)

My sweet sweet friend Becky... honestly, God knew that needed her in my life.  I am so thankful that the Lord allowed us to meet and spend those precious seminary years together.

What a special bond... I am so so thankful for her.  God knew the exact timing of their visit and he knew her visit would be like healing balm to my soul after a hard week!  His timing is perfect.

Moments that knock the wind right out of you....

I am sure to most people four years seems like 4 years... feels like 1460 days... 

For me in regards to certain things in life it does feel like that...

In regards to other things, like remembering my time with Samuel after he was born it doesn't...

Memories like that are etched in my heart and mind like it was yesterday...

And sometimes things happen that unexpectedly send you right back to that moment...

While what happened the other night was not at all meant to hurt me... or may seem like a total downer to most... I share it just to let others know the on going struggle and pain of loss that can happen even when you least expect it...

What most people expect you to get over in a certain amount of time... Just plainly doesn't happen... 

You may heal, you may have more good days than bad days, you may find much more happiness and joy in your days... 

But really that HUGE loss, the memories, the trauma, that deep pain is sort of just below the surface or right in your subconscious... sort of waiting for the perfect storm or set of circumstances to unleash it.... so to speak... 

2 nights ago I unexpectedly experienced that set of circumstances... and honestly... I am still recovering... I miss Samuel so so much... I would give anything just to be able to go back to that day... Even with all of the sadness, just to hold him again, just to snuggle his sweet precious body up to my face and breath in his perfect little scent... just to be able to see him in Greg's arms... my kids arms... just to touch his soft velvety skin... All of it, I would do it over again in an instant...

It sort of leaves me thinking... Really God??? How did all of this come together like this????  What??? Why tonight?  Why with Greg, soooo unassuming and with not a bad intent or bone in his body???  The crazy thing is, even in this I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW... that the Lord will use this fresh hurt for something... I will understand better another grieving mama or hurting heart... that is my cry Lord... use even this... Please, use it for your glory somehow at some point in time...

 

So 2 nights ago Greg  got home from his elder meeting around 9:30... I was busy cleaning up the little kids room... In he walks... My eyes immediately drop to what he is holding in his hands... my heart sank... I immediately recognized what he was holding but was literally frozen... 

He of course has no clue and starts to say... "Yeah, so and so brought these rags up to church... they are from the hospital (I immediately start shaking my head NO... NO... and saying No... NO...) he goes on to say they are the rags they use up there at the hospital... they are all cleaned but we can use them..." Once he looked me in the face and noticed what I was doing and saying he said, "What???  What is going on?? "

 

 

Those were the exact blue cloths that  they used during my delivery with Samuel... That is what they wrapped him in when he was first put on my chest... They aren't soft and never should have been used knowing that the skin on babies that are already dead is already loosening up... They tore him up big time on his stomach and neck especially... (I am still am a bit mad at that... so thankful that his face was fine... But they should have known that... ugh)

 

Oh my word... I was a wreck... talk about immediately feeling like you were right back in that moment looking over every bit of his body and taking all that he was into my mind...   I  haven't thought of those stupid blue rags in months... Of course haven't seen them in almost 4 years...but immediately, I knew in an instant what they were... I will never forget them.... 

 

I feel bad... poor Greg... had not idea... and even in that, I feel some extra sadness... Greg, Samuel's dad had no idea, no recollection of the rags... Me, Samuel's mom... I will never forget them... 

 

There are times you feel so alone in the missing... It just once again goes to remind of how different the loss is for a mom and dad, how differently we bear that burden because we carried that baby, we grew that baby, we longed for that baby... (I am not at all judging Greg or meaning one ill thing about him... I love my husband, and how he cares for me... but honestly, it does hurt at times that even he can't truly relate to my loss...He feels it, but he feels it differently...)

 

 The mind is a strange thing and it is so interesting to me the things that trigger memories that you would never expect... But even in that I know that God sees the bigger picture and I am thankful for that...

 

These were taken just minutes after he was born... I distinctly remember just trying to sear in my memory every little detail about his face and the rest of him....  

Man, I miss that little guy sooooo much!

  So thankful that He is happy and whole in Heaven, but this mama's heart hurts...

To say or not to say... that is the question??

Day 7... What not to say...

Let me start off by saying that I am so thankful to God for bringing me to a place where I can handle so much more of what people might say to me... It may get under my skin a bit...  but earlier in my grief journey certain comments added more pain to the pain I was already feeling and truthfully sometimes sent me into feeling really badly for longer than I would like to admit...

I really don't want to focus on what not to say... but at the same time I think that it might be helpful to others to know some of things in general that aren't good to say to grieving mommies..  I know that even some of these things may not have been said with the intent to hurt a grieving mom... and most people have good intentions... but the end result is the same that these comments can hurt...

1.  If you haven't lost a baby, don't say that you understand... I literally have had people tell me that they understood what I was feeling because they from time to time glanced at Samuel's picture and shed some tears... This can only lead to invalidating what a grieving mom feels... To feel that pain 24/7 is much different then thinking about it on occassion...

2.  Don't say, "You can have another child, you are still young."  You never know, that person may not be able to have more children... that was a VERY REAL possibility for us... We tried to get pregnant for years with Samuel... and then it took adopting embryos to be able to have another... one just never knows...

3.  Don't tell someone to be thankful for the children that they do have...  I have used this analogy many times... Pretend I have 2 good legs and 2 good arms... All of a sudden I lose one of those good legs in a horrific accident... I would still need to learn how to function without my missing leg ... I would need to relearn many things... I would miss my leg even though I still had one other leg and 2 good arms... Even though one may have other children, and be INCREDIBLY thankful for them... they will still be missing their child that isn't with them any more... 2 more kids, 10 more kids... it doesn't matter... none of them could take the place of the child that has died.

4.  Please don't tell some one that the child must have had some health issue... When you lose a child you just love them deeply no matter what... you would have loved them with or with out a disease... It just doesn't bring comfort.

5.  Please don't compare losses... for ex. by saying, "Wouldn't it have been harder if that child would have been born alive but lived to 2 or 5 years of age?"  You know, it really doesn't matter how long you had that child with you... 5 weeks, 40 weeks in the womb, or beyond... that child was loved and deeply valued... saying something like that only seems to feel like someone is trying to minimize your loss...

6.  Please don't tell people that you don't want to make them sad by bringing up their child... the truth is... they are already sad... and truthfully they are probably already thinking about it...

7.  Don't tell them you wish they were the person they used to be... most likely there is a HUGE part of them that misses the old person they were as well.  They are probably still trying to figure out how to live as this new person...

8.  Don't make remarks like... "It has been _____ long, aren't you over that by now, or you are still thinking about that? There is no time table for grief... many different factors contribute to how the grieving process goes for someone... You really don't get over it... you learn to cope with it better and your sort of get through it, not over it and  only by the grace of God...

9. In the early days of grief, don't use Christian Cliches... for example... God works all things for the good... While that is TOTALLY true...  It usually takes a bit for someone to get to that point... and it sort of just makes them feel unrelateable...

There are soooo many more things I could mention but those are some of the big ones off the top of my head...

Day 8:  Here are some things to do or say...

1.  Mention their child by name... they don't hear that name very often and it will be like music to their ears.

2.  Rather than give that person your number and say call me if you need to ... Actually pick up the phone and call them... I had various people write their number in a card (thank you if you actually did that:)  and would mention for me to call if need be... but honestly, I just DID NOT have the energy to pick up the phone and call, yet when someone called me after the first month or so I really did want to talk.

3.  If you call in the early days and don't hear back from that person... keep calling every once in a while... even if you just say... " I was thinking of you... I was praying for you... I thought of _____ today"   A lot of times in those early days that person may just not be up for conversation.

4.  Even if you are uncomfortable... Try to get over that hump and put yourself out there... most people feel like some one else MUST be talking to that grieving mama... but chances are more likely that someone isn't talking to them.  No matter how uncomfortable you are... chances are they are far more uncomfortable grieving alone...

5.  Sometimes you don't even have to say anything... just give them a hug and tell them you love them.

6.  Cry with them... Share that burden with them... that is what the body of Christ was designed to do...

7.  Ask specific questions... not just how are you??  But maybe... What has been the hardest part about losing _____ as of late?  What was your favorite memory of ______?  What is one thing that I can do for you to help you this week.

8.  Do make and deliver food...

9.  Do pay attention to the answers you receive from the grieving person... For example... if you ask, How are you doing?  And the person replies with a tentative... "hanging in there."  or "ok."  chances are that is an open door for further talking...  They are probably just hanging on by a thread...

10.  Give the person time to share about the specific experience of loss... Let them tell their story... This kind of intense painful experience needs many tellings...  And chances are if they don't feel like it they will tell you...

11.  Do encourage them greatly and walk along side of them... Celebrate the small healing victories with them...

12.  Do reassure them that the life of their baby mattered, was valued, and will not be forgotten by you...

13.  Do remember that day in future years... you do not know what a gift that will be to them.

14.  Do love them exactly where they are at in their journey... try not to judge them in any way... that just adds to their pain.

Wow... I think I could go on and on here too... But that will give you somethings to chew on:):) 

 Day 9  Jewelry
I had this necklace made shortly after Samuel died... I love it!  I love having something that represents him close to my heart... I have a few different necklaces that either I purchased or were given to me... I rarely am with out one on me...
Sorry for being long winded:)

Capturing your grief...

Carly Marie who wrote Samuel's name in the sand for me on the beach in Australia is doing a series this month called Capture your grief... I know that I won't participate every day... but I may just do some summary posts every few days or so...

Day 2... Before the loss...

I remember taking this picture like it was yesterday... Sitting in the back of our minivan watching the kids play in the driveway just a few days before my due date... Just days... I thought maybe even just hours before our little one would be in my arms...

Day 3... After the loss

mmmm... I loved touching his soft skin and putting his head right up against my face and cheek... my big beautiful 9 lb. 2 oz Samuel.  

The pictures that our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer took are some of my most treasured possessions.  And really they are pretty much the only pictures taken of me after the loss for at least 6 months... I couldn't find any others... It is amazing to me how I was a completely different person than I was in the other picture posted above... In a matter of days... complete life change... 

I am so thankful that even though I have changed... my relationships have changed... my thoughts and feelings have changed... my heart has changed... 

That the Lord NEVER changes... He is the same yesterday, today and forever!  

He was the same before Samuel died and after... 

Although to be completely honest... it took me a long time to wrestle out what my relationship with Him was gonna entail after that... I wasn't sure I could trust in His plans for me...

Oh the Lord has brought great healing to a lot of areas of life...

Day 5 Memorial... 

Just one of the things I did in memory of Samuel was to get his footprint tattooed on my foot.   I love it!  I love that it is like I have a part of him with me all the time...It also has given me so many opportunities to talk about him when I other wise wouldn't have had the chance.  Oh, how I treasure the chance to talk about him with someone who really wants to hear...still...

Another thing that we keep close are Samuel's ashes... I am so thankful that those are his earthly remains, but that his soul is safely in Heaven...

I remember the day Greg went to pick up Samuel's ashes from the funeral home... It was the same day that his death certificate came in the mail... Not a good day at all... He had a meeting that night that he wasn't allowed to miss... so in he walked with our son in a box and out he walked shortly there after.  It wasn't a good night to be alone... I know it wasn't at all his fault... Greg would have done anything for me, I know that...

 

This might be too much for some people... but it is a reality of life for me... I remember distinctly him being home later that night... I don't know what it was... but I just had to look at his ashes... It was all I had left of him in the physical sense...  Well let me just say... I was hysterical...   I was screaming for Greg from across the house ... Honestly, it is a wonder to me that I survived moments like that at all... It is only by the grace of God... It wasn't at all what I expected... in fact we almost took them back to the funeral home because it just didn't seem right for them to be how they were... I think they should have explained it all a little better in the beginning...

As much as there are times that I wish I had somewhere to visit... I love that I can walk out to our Samuel garden and feel close to him... and I am so thankful that his ashes are here with us.  I wouldn't want them anywhere else.  We were not sure we were going to be staying here when Samuel died and I could not bear the thought of leaving him here... So cremating him was by far the best option for us...  

 

This journey of grief and loss is never what I really have expected.  

Even now as we get ready to celebrate Samuel's 4th birthday in Heaven there is much processing to do.  

I mourn for some of the changes in relationships around me that I KNOW would be so different if Samuel had lived... it is hard...

Sometimes I still feel like people don't forgive me for the person that I am now and the changes that have taken place in me... I know there are many that can and do embrace me for who I am now...(And I am soooooo thankful to God for them!!)  But there are others that I think honestly don't really want much to do with me... that is hard...  You can't go back... you can't change what happened... Trust me if there was anything I could have done to keep him here... I would have...But you are left to continue on as best as you know how with a part of your heart in Heaven... not an easy task...  And I guess it is not an easy task for some to just love you for who you are and where you are at... and embrace you hurt, tears, joys, progress, healing, pain and all...

That is still something that I have to work through... 

 

I am so thankful for a Savior who knows exactly what I need... Who fills those voids when others can't... He is so good and faithful and I am so thankful for the friends and family that He has given me who have walked along side of me... 

 

 

 

Homemade Larabars:)

I love Larabars... but they are not cheap...

We are not a gluten free family... but we do try to eat healthy when we can... 

(never mind the gallon of ice cream we begged Greg to pick up on his way home last night:)

Louis and I decided we would try to make out own...

First try... 

Homemade Chocolate Cherry Coconut Almond Larabars

 Dump about 2 1/2 cups of dates into the food processor:)

(I know, strange... but to me they sort of look like cockroaches....ewwwww... I do not like dates... but I actually don't mind them in something:)

 Blend them like crazy!  Dump in a bowl...

 Chop up  1 1/2 cups Almonds, 1 1/2 cups dried cherries and 1 cup chocolate chips (separately) ... this might have been better done on a good old fashioned cutting board... We like big chunks... not bits blended into smithereens:)

 Pour all of it into the bowl... add some flaked coconut (about 3/4 cup) and mix with your hands... We tried mixing in the food processor but it was a NO GO!  So much easier with your hands... but of course, far messier!:)  We like it that way:)

 Smoosh into the bottom of a 11X7 inch pan.

Cut into 1 1/2 by 4 inch bars... We stored them in individual servings wrapped in some saran.   

I know they look terrible:( (But really so do the real deal Larabars:)

But they were really Yummy!

Louis, Levi, and I love the store bought Larabars... the others kids not so much.

All the kids were begging for these...

So I think next time we will try making them with either dried Mango, Apricots, or apples... 

We can always up the protein by adding more nuts and lowering the fruit... But for a first try they were really good:)  Now, I think we are off to have a bowl of ice cream:)  

Everything in moderation right??

 

Memorial box Monday... family building...

Take me back to the year 1992...
My boyfriend of 2 months at the time, (now husband Greg), had just been diagnosed with cancer...  He had gone home from college for Christmas vacation and wouldn't be returning...

I remember as plain as day the phone call I received from him in January 1992 about a week after his diagnosis... "Sara, they are wanting me to make some decisions to protect my ability to have children someday... what do you think I should do???"

Honestly, I almost fell over... In my head I was thinking... ok, kind of nice of him to consider asking my opinion... BUT... we had only been dating 2 months... we weren't engaged... I really didn't feel like it was  my decision to make... I remember replying that he should do whatever he felt was right...

His words regarding his decision was that if the Lord wanted him to have kids someday, the Lord would work it all out!!  (Man, the faith of my husband is shown to be sooooo strong over and over again!!!)  From there he started  4 months of chemo and 2 months of radiation...

Fast forward 3 + years... we are married... trying to conceive and getting NO WHERE!!!  Hmmmm..... we wondered what the problem was... we decided to seek some answers to why it wasn't happening for us... but we pretty much felt like we knew the answer to that question...duh!!! 

But boy, doesn't God have a sense of humor???   I still sort of find it amusing that I was the one with the problem... never would have thought that... especially since the Lord CLEARLY MADE ME A BABY LOVER!!!  I just never foresaw myself having trouble getting pregnant... but it was a problem on my end...
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If you have never had fertility issues... count yourself soooooooo fortunate.... It is so hard... Such an emotional roller coaster each month as dreams are dashed.  As much as I knew that the Lord was in control and had great plans for me... Not getting pregnant was not part of my plan AT all!  It was heartbreaking... I so longed to carry a baby... and even today after carrying 6 babies, my heart pains when I hear of women who are having fertility problems... people can be so insensitive and have a hard time understanding that struggle if they havent' walked it themselves...  (Today I was watching a movie that had a character who was infertile... tears were streaming down my face... I remember that pain so well!)

Well fast forward almost 18 years... After many years of trying, and really much much trying for all but one of our kids, I never in a million years could have imagined how the Lord would work out His plans for our family... there has been a lot of heartache... (Oh my, the tears!!!)  a lot of healing... plans I could never have predicted... plans I still struggle to understand sometimes...

I never anticipated sub fertility (nice term huh?... that is what one doctor labeled me:) miscarriage, stillbirth, or a failed adoption due to another stillbirth to be a part of our family building story,  but it is...

And so is...

Great healing...physically and emotionally...
Adoption...
Embryo adoption...
Circumstances that have me longing for Heaven in a way I didn't know was possible...
A new family life purpose and mission...

The other day, as I am many days... I was literally over come with TOTAL gratefulness to our Lord!  I was staring at Levi, totally and utterly dumbfounded that God would give us such a gift... And as I tucked Hope in to bed and she gives me that sassy little snicker of hers... I am reminded a fresh of His gifts that we just never know could be right around the corner...

 I know that EVERY SINGLE one of my kids are a TOTAL blessing... I treasure deeply every single one!  But I think those that come after such trial tend to throw the grace and love of the Lord RIGHT IN OUR FACE!  Which I love... it helps me never take them, any one of them for granted!!!

He is soooo faithful!  He knew exactly how He would build our family... While, I would love to have every one of my kids here with me... I trust in His plan... His best plan for our lives and long for the day when we can all be together in eternity!

We are looking forward with joy to see who the next little Hintz is that the Lord has planned for our family!  What an adventure!  

 He has done immeasurably more than I could have asked or imagined... FAITHFUL GOD!!!

To read other encouraging Memorial box Monday stories go to Linny's blog at
www.aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com