MISSING MY BOY FOR 10 MONTHS

How can it possibly be 10 months since I said hello and goodbye to you all in the same day.

How can it be so long since I was able to snuggle your precious face next to mine and smell that beautiful newborn baby smell. I miss it so much... I miss your chubby cheeks. I miss gazing at each little piece of you. I miss touching your soft silky skin. I miss the kids being able to kiss you square on your rosy red lips like they did when they met you. I miss you Samuel, every bit of you more than I could possibly express in words.

How can it be that you have been gone longer than we had you with us... I remember the pure joy of your sister when she screamed across the seminary campus to people just to let them know that she was going to be a big sister again. It was such an answer to prayer, your brothers and sister had been praying for you for a good year+ before we ever knew you had come to be. Your daddy and I had been praying for even longer. All of the kids looked so forward to having you to hold, snuggle, love on. They still talk about you daily sweet boy.

You have changed our lives forever Samuel. This mommy and this family will never be the same again. There is a special Samuel shaped hole in our hearts. No one could ever replace you. We would never want that. Though we long for another child, that doesn't ever change the fact that we still long for you. The last 10 months have been filled with more heartache than I ever knew could possibly exist. The pain still cuts deep, my chest still literally hurts when I think of how much time we have missed being with you.

But even with all of the pain of the last 10 months, it was so worth it. I would never change a thing about the 9 months I carried you inside of me... the 9 months that you grew under my heart and in it. They were beautiful months... I was so happy to have you be a part of me. Wow, what an amazing gift to be able to call you my son. Now the day after those 9 months when I didn't feel you moving anymore... that day I would change... I wish I could. Samuel, there are still many days that I feel my body betrayed me. I wish I could have protected you somehow. I guess I feel bad that you died inside of me, that I couldn't do anything to help you. I hope you didn't feel anything, but that thought does haunt me still sometimes. But now that you are with our Savior I am not sad for you. You were spared from so much, you are in a perfect place, perfectly healthy. I am just sad for us.

But there is one special gift I have received from walking this journey of life without you with us... I don't at all fear death. We long for the day when we will all be reunited with you. I think of you with all the other little ones of my new friends that I have met this past year that have lost children. I think of you with your great grandparents... I think of you with Joel. I think of all of you in the presence of our Lord.

For now sweet boy, know that you were so loved here on earth and are still loved with a fierce love that only your family could have for you. We will never forget our time with you. We think of you every single day. We still thank God for the time He gave us with you Samuel. My heart aches, my arms ache to hold you again, the tears are falling from my eyes precious boy...

I love you Samuel,

You are so missed.

I still know that with God's help we will be alright... today is just a harder day... memories are fresh.

(I know Greg always says that he doesn't really think that those in Heaven are looking down on us from Heaven... because that might cause them sadness, and in Heaven there is no sadness, no tears. So I don't really think that Samuel can see this note... but for some reason it makes me feel good to talk to him and share my heart with him. I don't know if that is normal... I just know that it feels right.)

IT'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT

CALEB UP IN THE TREE PICKING APPLES AND TOSSING THEM DOWN FOR THE OTHER KIDS TO CATCH IN A TOWEL... THEY HAD QUITE A SYSTEM GOING...

JOJO TRYING REALLY HARD TO GET THROUGH THE SKIN:)

A BUMPER CROP

We have a house for sale next door. It just so happens to have an apple tree on the property... and no one lives there. The kids couldn't help themselves, we know the builder doesn't pick them... so the kids picked every last one of them. They had such a ball. Greg wants an apple pie... and it looks like we will be canning applesauce with the extras. It is a lot of work, but I am one of those crazy people who actually enjoys canning:)

This is going to be a long one.... Hang with me...

Now on to the reason for the title of this post... ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I heard this song by Sara Groves a couple of months back. Music always speaks to me, and this was no different. There is a line where she talks about gaining strength from what is tearing you apart. In a sense I have never felt weaker and more torn apart than I have in the last 10 months. Yet there are moments when I amazed that I have survived this, that we are still standing... there are actually moments where I feel strong. I know that is only by the grace of God that I can say that. And his word does say that when we are weak he is strong.

I loved the song from the moment I heard it. I knew I would want to put it on my playlist... yet quite honestly I couldn't put it on there, because I didn't believe it. In my heart I still didn't think that we would be alright. I wasn't sure that we would come out the other side of this tremendous loss and rough year, in one piece. But praise God, I can now say that I do believe that I will be alright. Sure doubt tends to creep back in. I have actually waited a little while to post about this, because I have had times in the last 10 months where I could actually say that I felt good, but it would only last a couple of days and then WHAM, the grief would be sooooo strong again, unbearable. But I have actually had the first "good week" that I have had in 10 months. I feel funny admitting it, but it is the truth. And you know what...IT FEELS GOOD TO FEEL GOOD!

I have never been one to be prone to depression, but let me tell you, I have such a more understanding heart toward those that suffer with depression on an ongoing basis. Wow, I certainly can say that I have been depressed over these past months. Of course I was depressed, the son that I planned on spending years raising didn't make it out of my womb alive. That is depressing, and for me it was really hard to see what is the depression of normal grief and what is depression that you need to get help for. I had lots of talks with my counselor about it, and the MEND leader who is also a counselor. I had the prescription for an antidepressant filled and in my drawer in the bathroom. I just didn't want to take it unless I really felt like I had to.

I don't think there is anything wrong with taking them. Sometimes I am really not sure if your brain can catch up chemically. I just knew that I wasn't quite at that point yet. But wooh, my heart goes out to those that are prone to depression. It is such a tough place to be... so dark, so lonely, so isolating. I know I have had many other issues and factors that have added to the depression in the last months. I have had people try to get me to be more positive, or give me a sort of pep-talk. But unless you have been there, I don't think that most can understand that you can't positive think your way into feeling better about your child dying. I think that has to come with time and acceptance. I don't know if I will ever feel better about it, but I think I will be able to accept the reality of it all more. Does that make any sense?

So even though I am feeling better in general, that doesn't mean that I am over my loss.... never will be. I think it will be a constant journey through loss until I am an old lady:) It doesn't mean that I won't still be sad and cry... In fact I had a really good cry tonight just thinking that it has almost been 10 months since I held that precious Samuel in my arms. It is hard, really hard. It doesn't mean that I won't be conciously or subconciously thinking about Samuel and our loss. Right now, 10 months later I can honestly say that the whole situation is ALWAYS on my mind to some level.

I really think that the supplements that the natural lady put me on have helped. From the sounds of it, I had quite a few things that weren't quite working right, my thyroid, just to name one. So I think that working to get all of me working the way that it should will help all of the way around. Honestly, I have had a few moments this week where I remembered things that I was surprised I remembered. I know that sounds so small, but for me with how absent minded I have felt, it was a blessing. We are praying that it will help with all of the fertility stuff too.

Do you want to hear the funny thing about this natural Doctor? I had to chuckle. The place is called ANEW skin and wellness. Well, when I got there, it was hysterical, out of one of the rooms walks a lady maybe 60 years old. She clearly had just gotten botox or something injected into her lips. Now that just doesn't sound very natural does it? It seemed so twilight zone like to me. I walked in the office and she had all of these credentials of being a doctor of natural healing. It was funny. I think she shares office space with some others. Anyways, I am thankful that what she has given me seems to be helping.

Basically, with all of that said, I can say that I do believe that IT IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT. I have had so many times over the last months that God has seemed so far from me. I know some say, "When God seems far away, it is you who moved" Sometimes that might be the case, but truthfully I think that at other times that can be a bunch of bunk!...Sorry, When there are times that you are begging God to show up, be near, allow you to feel His presence, give you peace, and it doesn't happen, it is hard. I don't think it is you who moved, rather that God is up to something, just something we can't see or feel or understand. It can be such a spiritual attack.

I am praising God that I can feel His presence lately, I can feel his sustaining power. I can feel Him walking along side of me. And it feels good. IT IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!

Enjoy the song:)

A TRIP TO THE VINEYARD

THIS IS THE CELLAR WHERE THEY KEEP THE GRAPES UNTIL

THEY GO TO MARKET... DOESN'T IT JUST LOOK LIKE LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE DAYS... I THINK I WAS BORN IN THE WRONG ERA... I LOVE THIS KIND OF STUFF.

JOJO WAS MORE ENAMORED WITH THIS BEETLE:)


THE NEXT FEW PICTURES ARE OF THE BOYS WITH SOME OF THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF GRAPES THEY HAVE ON THE VINEYARD. I THINK THEY HAD 16 DIFFERENT KINDS... ALL DELICIOUS... ALL SO SWEET.

Today we were invited by a sweet girl named Jamie from our church to go to her mom's vineyard. Her mom is the sweet lady who dropped the fruit and veggies by our house the other day. She used to be Jojo's Sunday school teacher and the kids all call her "the egg lady" because she often gives us farm fresh eggs. Now the kids know her real name, but I think they might like to call her "the grape lady" now.

The vineyard was amazing. I have never been to a vineyard. It was beautiful and they are such nice people. I always go to farms and think I would love that kind of lifestyle. Yet I wonder if I could really handle it. They work so hard. But wow, seeing all those different kinds and colors of grapes, and getting a chance to taste them all was so fun. I am serious, I think those grapes taste like candy, they are so sweet. I love seeing God's handiwork and creativity in nature. It was such a treat. We had a delightful time visiting with Jamie and her 2 kids at our house and then such a fun learning

experience at the vineyard.

We are going to count that as a field trip:)

We are going to head to Texas on Sunday to go camping with some friends... after that the kids are going to be hit with the brutal reality of the REAL school year schedule. It will be fun while it last though.

A SMALL MIRACLE...

Yeah, this is one of the small silly miracles God has blessed us with, but I have yet to post about a different small miracle that God has brought our way... Really are any of God's miracles small?

Last Friday I had my small group bible study with 3 ladies from our church and one new friend that I invited. These ladies have really embraced me where I am at these last few months. That has been a HUGE blessing. I can tell that they are ok with my tears and my quirky ways. I have enjoyed our time together so much.

Well that night I took a run in the dark. I must say, it was a bit freaky. I am a complete chicken so I have to explain our neighborhood... very small, basically just one big horseshoe with a cul du sac on the each end. It is literally less than a 1/2 a mile to the other side. I love it because I can either take the kids with or leave them and if they had a problem they could yell off the back porch and I could cut through the yards and be home in less than a minute. The boring part is I just do the lap over and over again... I really don't mind though. So when I say I went for a run in the dark... now you get it, I am not going real far.

It was a gorgeous night. Living in the country we get to see some beautiful night skies, gorgeous stars... I love it. It felt wonderful. Afterwards I went to lie on the bench in Samuel's garden and stare up at the stars. I was just amazed by the vastness above me. I can't help but wonder where exactly my Samuel is. I know where he is, in the presence of our God, but where exactly is that? I feel close to him when I am sitting in the garden we planted in memory of him. When I take care of it, weeding it and watering the plants, in a strange way I feel like it is the only thing this side of heaven that I can do to take care of him. I love sitting out there. Then it dawned on me... God bringing this new friend into town that I could invite to the ladies study was like a small miracle. I just laid there crying... it felt like God had done something that finally felt good to me. I will explain more about this new friend in a bit.

Now I know that God is doing good things for me everyday. But honestly when you are living with a part of your heart missing, not everything feels good. We have had such a rough year, by far the hardest of our lives. It has felt like one tough thing after another for us and many close to us. Another example of enduring this hardship is our friends the Petersons from the seminary. We just visited with them at baby Nate's parent's house after Nate's memorial service about a month ago. We just found out that Matthew has stage 3 Multiple Myeloma. The prognosis isn't very good, but I personally am believing God for a miracle for this man. If you think of it, would you pray for Matt, his wife Janet and their 2 girls. His faith is amazing, but I know they will need to feel the warmth and strength of God's embrace and the warmth of His people over the next months.

I know I shouldn't be surprised by all of the hurt, disease, and war in this world. The Lord states all of these things will exist for believers and unbelievers alike. It still doesn't make it any easier to see those you love struggling.

Back to my small miracle... I can really go off on a tangent I know.... my mind is so not focused these days...

Well, I think it was probably this past May someone grabbed me after Bible study one morning saying there was someone who wanted to meet me. That Sunday I met a delightful couple, Tim and Nicole. Actually they were planning on moving here this summer from Sweden... from Sweden, yes all the way across that big ocean. The crazy thing is before living in Sweden, they had lived in Wisconsin and gone to the church where I grew up. They were dear friends with one of my college roommates. When they lived there they had become friends with all of my dear friends growing up. Really the conversation felt so good, like home. When I asked, "Do you know so and so." They replied with crazy things like, "Yeah, if anything ever happens to us, they will get custody of our kids." "They would say Tim was in a Bible study with so and so" I responded with, "That guy and his wife bought my parents house, the one I grew up in." It was like that over and over again. It was almost comical.

They came back for a visit one Sunday, just 2 days after our birth mom delivered Joel. This young lady was just fine with my tears, and gave me a big hug. I don't know what it is exactly... if it is all the friends that we have in common. Or could it be that there is just a familiarity about someone who comes from the same place you do, the frozen tundra:) They invited us over after church last Sunday, and we had such a nice time getting to know them better. What are the chances that they would move from Sweden to Tulsa and come to our church? It seems crazy to me, yet at the same time it doesn't surprise me that God would work all of that out. To me that feels like a small miracle... and I like the way that feels!

FIRST DAY CONTINUED!

More of our first day back to homeschooling.

1:45 Come home from the neighbors pool to find watermelon, cantaloupe, and fresh farm cucumbers and tomatoes on the front porch. I am thinking they were a gift from someone at church. Yummy! Anna and Jojo set to work mixing up trail mix to have for snacks this week.

2:00 Lunch is finally served... veggies, hummus and crackers.

One satisfied customer:), chewing away on a carrot.

Enjoying fresh flowers from Samuel's garden. I love zinneas and cosmos! They are so bright, colorful, cheery and make great cut flowers:)

2:45 Now the real learning begins... We do Science together, the boys do History and we tie up all of the loose ends of school around 5:00. It was a busy but productive afternoon.

This is so not what our days normally look like, given my teacher background... I can be kind of rigid with our schedule. It is nice to be able to be flexible when I have to. Maybe starting off slow will be a good transition into the normal school routine.

All in all, it was a good day, no real tears (besides at the dentist), eating icecream, swimming and school.

Thanking God that we survived the first day back:)

FIRST DAY BACK TO HOMESCHOOLING

7:30 AM Wake up the kiddos...They all like to sleep together, I think they miss being in the same room like they were at the seminary... It looks like Jojo must have kicked Lou out of his bed during the night. How is that for a good nights sleep before the first day of school.

7:45 Have a quick breakfast of baked oatmeal and fruit.

8:00 The older 3 work hard to get some work done before we head off to 3 different dental appts.

10:00 Head to the dentist for Anna's first cavity filling. She was crying before she even left the waiting room... Yikes, at the end of it all, she said she didn't even feel the shot.

11:30 We stop by dad's office with icecream treats. Is it wrong to reward a cavity with a little ice cream party with the church staff:)? Life is too short to not celebrate the small things even if it is a cavity.

12:45 Arrive home and head over to the neighbors pool to cool off, are we actually getting any school work done?

getting a little natural vitamin D...
ahhh... the beauty of homeschooling.

The first day back to homeschooling to be continued:)

I'M ALIVE!!!

Doesn't my Anna have an elf - like sort of smile...

I mean that in a good way:)... She is just so precious to me.

This morning I went for a run in the pouring rain. It was beautiful. When Louis and I did the first lap, it was just a sprinkle. When Anna and I started out on the third lap, (don't be too impressed they are short laps:) she cruising on her little blue bike, me running along side of her, it was just drizzling. When we got to the other side of the neighborhood it got heavier and heavier until it was just pouring on us. At first Anna was questioning me, "Mommy it's starting to rain should we head back?" I told her it kind of felt good lets keep going. Then she started giggling, and said, "This is kind of fun." Then a full out yell from her, " I like this!!!!" as she sped off from me. It was just precious.

I can't tell you how good it felt to have the rain pelting me in the face. I felt more alive than I have felt in almost 10 months. I just threw my head back enjoying the cool rain, I felt like I could sob, laugh, and scream all at the same time. It was just the fact that I was out with my little girl... actually enjoying life. It felt good to be alive. No it actually felt GREAT! Did I just say that?... that it feels great to alive.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song off his latest CD called MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT. I wanted to put it on my playlist, but couldn't find it... There are a few lines in the song... many lines in the song that resonate with, really the whole song does. He talks about having a time machine, and if we did, would we really want to go back and change everything. He wrote this song before his 5 year old died after being hit by a car driven by his 17 year old. Wooh, I admire this guy, but I have to wonder if NOW he would go back and change it all. For his son, to have to live with that?? Intense and almost too much I would thik.I know if I could I would still go back and change the end of last October... Is that wrong? I know that I can't... and I trust that God has His best in mind for me. It is just His best is so different than what my best would have been.

It was interesting when Steven Curtis lost his little girl on May 21st 2008 I was checking his manager's blog often to see how they were coping. Greg would tell me, he thought I was addicted to it, and spent too much time checking it. Now fast forward just 5 months later to our loss of Samuel. I was so thankful that I had been checking it, it gave me a REAL example of Christian grief... not just Sunday morning grief... where we put on that mask that it is all OK. This was gut level brutal honesty about a brutal loss. It comforted me to hear their heart and see them walk this journey. I still read Mary Beth Chapman's blog and it still ministers to my heart.

Anyways back to the song. There is also a part where it says.... And if it brings you tears, taste them as they fall, let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, throw your head back and let it go, you gotta let it go! I feel like I have been fully tasting them for the last almost 10 months... I still need to work on the softening of my heart. There are still times of real anger and bitterness about things. But there are times of great joy for all that God has done and times of throwing my head back with laughter. It is so interesting to me that all of those intensely strong emotions can exist at the same time.

I have been phone consulting with a natural Doctor in Wisconsin, who did some saliva testing, blood work to see where I am at hormonally and maybe to help with fertility and mood. As most of you know... even though we have had 5 children... only 1 came easy, with the rest it was a long road with years of trying and getting help. It was kind of comical, once she got my results she told me that my serotonin level was quite low. That is the chemical that regulates the feeel good part of the brain. I could have told her that months ago. She found lots of interesting things. I have been taking some supplements for the last month. And I have to say, Praise God, I really feel like it is helping. This last week, I feel mentally a bit more like the me of before Samuel.

Now I say that knowing full well, that I am feeling good now, and hopefully that will continue more often, but knowing that there will still be many times of deep sorrow and grief. But I am hoping it will be more manageable from here on out.

So as usual, we are treasuring the miracle of each day and all the crazy, funny things that each day holds for us. We treasure that precious plump 9 lb 2 oz miracle of Samuel that God blessed us with last October. And we treasure the time that we had with Faith, the birth mom that lived with us this summer. We are thankful that we had the opportunity to look forward to adding a sweet little baby this fall. That brought much joy to this home as we started preparing again. Even though it didn't end at all how we had hoped, we treasure that God created that tiny little baby Joel even for the 28 weeks that he lived here inside of Faith. Wow, God is a miracle worker.

Thanking God for the MIRACLE OF THE MOMENTS of this life... even beautiful runs in the POURING RAIN!

THE ADVENTURE OF DRIVING BACK TO OK

THE NIGHT CAP INN... HOME OF ONE OF THE BEST FISH FRYS IN WISCONSIN:)

THE FAMILY WITH OUR HOSTESS JEANNIE...
I SO BADLY WANTED A PICTURE OF HELMUTT... YES HELMUTT, THE OLD GERMAN MAN WHO COOKS THE FOOD, HE'S PROBABLY 80 WITH THESE VERY LARGE BLACK SQUARE GLASSES... SUCH A CUTE LITTLE OLD FELLA, SO FITTING FOR THE NIGHT CAP INN.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A YUMMY LOOKING PLATE OF FOOD?
THE FISH AND POTATO PANCAKES ARE TO DIE FOR.

AN UNEXPECTED NIGHT AT THE HAMPTON INN:)

We had to get that fish fry in one way or another:) So we decided to hit the Nite Cap Inn in Palmyra, on our way out of town. That way we could drive through the night, easy for the kids, not so easy for the parents, but we could save the money of having to eat a couple of meals on the road. Even though we got to the fish fry place at 4:30 we still had to wait 45 minutes. Truthfully we have waited hours before... it is that good. It is always worth it and Dad even paid for the crew... Thanks Pops. (Heres a little funny about my dad, after dinner he asked both our waitresses if either of them had any friends that were pregnant and didn't want to keep their babies, that we would adopt it. One actually works for the county health dept. and said there are lots of her clients that frankly have children, but probably shouldn't have. She said she would keep her eyes out. My dad gave her his card. Then on the way out the door, he said to Greg and I, "I think I will start combing the college campuses to get us a baby." Knowing my dad, you never know he just might:) My dad will talk to anyone, anytime, about pretty much anything. He is a good communicator... but sometimes it is a little funny. I remember my friend Rebecca telling me that my dad told her, actually warned her more about dating than her parents ever did:) You have to love my dad.

So we hit the road around 7:00, that would put us home around 7:00am. Greg was driving, I was sleeping. I woke up around 12:45am, we were just outside of St. Louis. We talked for a bit and I specifically remember him saying that we were making such good time:) Famous last words. Around 1:00 am we blew a tire. He tried for an hour to get the spare off so we could at least get off the road... where semi's were blowing by at 70mph. (I don't get why they don't move over at last, it was pretty scary, I made the kids get out of the car and sit on the feeder road.) The spare just wouldn't come off. So we grabbed just a few things, and headed walking down the very dark feeder road at 2:00am. We only had to walk 1 1/2 miles... to find a hotel. Thank the Lord, it could have been so much worse. We could have been in the middle of no where. The kids were amazing troopers.

The next morning Greg and Louis got up early and walked back down there, 2 police officers stopped to help. Even them and the tow truck fella couldn't get it off. So $110 for the tow truck and $140 later for tires, $90 for a hotel... we were on the road. So much for saving money on the way home:) The guy at Walmart had to literally break some plastic thing to get the spare off. So the boys road the rest of the way home with the tire between them... just in case.

I know in the big scheme of things it is incredibly minor. We were just so thankful to be back in Ok. safe and sound. Sunday we had the ordination service for our friends the Tiews from the Seminary.... beautiful service and wonderful dinner afterwards. Congratulations Tiews crew... we are so happy you are serving so close to us. What an answer to prayer!

MORE WISCONSIN HANGING TIME

AT NATURE'S VILLA TAKING THE GOLF CART BACK FROM THE LAKE

JOJO ENJOYING THE BUBBLER...YEP, THAT IS WHAT WE CALL THESE
THINGS IN WISCONSIN.


AT THE PARK FOR A PICNIC WITH FRIENDS THEN HEADING TO THE POOL:)

What a busy, but great week. Wednesday I headed to Whitefish Bay to see Amy, a sweet, sweet, friend of mine from High School. We don't stay in touch nearly as often as I would like to. We have moved so many times, it is so hard to stay in touch with everyone, I wish I was better at that. Amy is one friend who as soon as she heard the news about Samuel was on the phone to me. She left me a couple messages on my cell, I could hear the distress and concern in her voice. We finally connected a couple of weeks later, I was able to tell her the whole story. She right away offered to come down. I knew that even though I hadn't seen her in a couple of years... she would have been there in a heartbeat. She is a tried and true friend.

We had such a wonderful lunch together. We left all the kids at home, and were free from distractions. It was beautiful. I have missed her so much, it was just such a delight to talk, and share my heart. She is one who has a natural gift of empathy, and for validating how one is feeling. We had some wonderful discussions about all sorts of stuff. I dropped her off back at home and just drove home with a peace in my heart... it was so nice

The next morning I went for a run with my brother, after the run, we were able to talk about my healing. He prayed with me... Then later in the day he called just to tell me, "Take all the time you need." Do you know what it is like to actually hear those works from someones mouth? I have had tears come to my eyes a few times since just knowing that he is ok, with where I am at, and is ok with the journey I am on, no matter how short or long it may take me. I had a great talk with my parents right after that. There are so many things that just need communicating. I was able to tell them what I really need from them. It is so hard being so far away and not being able to communicate in person very often. My mom told me, she often doesn't bring up Samuel or the situation with Joel, for fear that she will make me sad... I had to tell her, she wouldn't make me sad, I already am. This is really the first time our family has gone through something like this... it is new territory. I was so thankful that they were willing to listen to me and hear what I need, not what they might think that I need.

Thursday we met up with my friend Rebecca, (I think I have known her for as long as I can remember) and Samantha, my college roommate. We met at the park for a picnic and then off to the waterpark. The kids had a ball, and the moms were able to plunk down and just relax and visit. Such a treat. The whole week was filled with visiting with old friends. I can not tell you how good that was for me. There is just something about being with people who know your heart and have known it for a long time. Because they know me, there is just a peace about sharing your heart and knowing you won't be looked at funny, or be expected to be anything other than who you are.

During the week, we also had a pretty lake pot luck at my mom and dad's house with all of our old neighbors and friends. We also headed out to another friends lake to swim and catch lunch. We hit downtown Oconomowoc for a movie on main street. They literally shut down main street and about 4-5,000 people plunked their chairs down and we watched the Wizard of Oz on a HUGE blow up screen. Oconomowoc has such small town charm.

What a NICE week. It was just what we all needed. We are so thankful that God blessed us with safety and a chance for a nice get away from normal life.

VACATION

JOJO AND PAPA PLAYING IN THE LAKE,

ISN'T THAT JUST BEAUTIFUL?

THE DADS PLAYING IN THE WATER WITH THE KIDS


BUILDING SAND CASTLES WITH THE NELSONS

FUN COUSIN TIMES!

We have been having such a nice week. A great dinner with my brother John and his family. It was so nice to have them to our selves and to have lots of time to visit.

A great dinner with our friends the Nelsons. He was the principal at St. Paul's our old church before going to the seminary. They are literally moving in 4 days to Green Bay yet they took the time to have us over and spend the whole night with us. It was such a nice time of visiting, catching up, and sharing our hearts about Samuel. It meant so much to us for them to have us over. We headed to the beach with them after dinner... it was a beautiful evening... as you can see from above, a gorgeous sunset.

Today we headed up to our old church to visit with some people. Right when we walked in we saw Heather, the sweet gal who made the photo book for me a couple of months back and had the Mother's Day card made and sent to me. She gave me a big hug and right away the first words out of her mouth were, "Your son is beautiful." Of course I lost it. It just felt so good to have someone talk about him first. She has been such an encourager to me and such a support to me since losing Samuel. It was so nice to finally get a chance to see her.

There is just something about being where you grew up. The cooler weather, the gorgeous lakes, and even the smell of the air. I just love it. I am kind of a nostalgic woman, but it has just felt so great. It has been such a treat to get away for a bit, I didn't realize how much we needed it until we were here a few days. I have seen Greg loosen up more in the last few days than I have in almost a year. It has been kind of humorous, but really good to see him acting more like himself.

We have some busy days ahead with family and friends. It does my soul good!

Mr. Poo Poo

THE KIDS AND THEIR COUSINS HAVE BEEN BUSY TESTING OUT

THEIR ARTISTIC TALENTS... A LITTLE SCARY HUH?

I GUESS THEY NAMED HIM MR. POO POO... I HAVE NO IDEA WHY???


AND HERE IS MR. POO POO AT WORK LATER IN THE EVENING:)
WHAT A FUNNY KID! HE IS OUR COMIC RELIEF!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREG

So today was Greg's birthday. Do you want to know the sad, pathetic thing about that? Well, before I explain that, I need to preface it with me mentioning again how I feel like I have lost 1/2 my brain since Samuel died. Well, let me rephrase that... now I think I have lost like 2/3 of it. Now for the pathetic... I completely forgot it was his birthday. My out of town sister had to remind my mom, who reminded Louis, who reminded me. Is that bad or what? That is so unlike me, NEVER has that happened before.

Greg was so gracious as usual. I said I was so sorry and asked that he forgive me. He just said really it is no big deal. What a guy. We had my brother John, his wife Katy and their girls over for dinner and then it kind of became the joke. The matches wouldn't light, then the candles on the cake wouldn't burn. It was like one bad joke after another. He was a great sport as usual.

He has put up with so much craziness and things that are not normal from me over the past almost 10 months. Much more than many men would put up with. I know I am blessed to have him. We have been through so much in the last 16 years... cancer, job loss, loss of a child... there have been many difficult times. But amidst it all there have been many many wonderful times. I am so thankful that He has been walking this journey with me. Happy Birthday Greg. I am praying that God gives you many more healthy years ahead!

As you can tell from the picture the Louis and Caleb are back safely... Thank God!

AHHHHHH WISCONSIN!

So it is 7 am and I just got back from a long run around Pretty Lake, the lake where we lived before moving to the seminary. And let me tell you when the sun in rising over the lake it is beautiful. Anyone who knows me, knows that for me to be on the computer by 7 and already have a run in, is not at all normal. I got up early so I could run with my brother. Running is always so much better with someone to talk to, at least that is my philosophy. We did the first lap together and then I did 2 more on my own. It was so nice out, I didn't want to stop. The weather is perfect. I love running when I can't literally feel the heat radiating off the pavement, it was nice.

We are having such a nice vacation. Praise God. We got up here really late Thursday night, like 4 in the morning late. Greg drove the whole way. What a great man. Friday we were so blessed to go to a going away party for the principal and his wife from St. Pauls, our old church before going to sem. It was so nice to be with our old church family. This was the first time any of them had seen us since losing Samuel. All I can say is that it just felt great to be with all of them. It is weird that there is just a sense of peace about being amongst people who knew me before Samuel. They weren't afraid to ask about him, and how we are doing regarding all of that. It was a great night. I left feeling so at peace in my heart, just being able to be me, and not having people be uncomfortable with it, the new me who I am now. I don't want to sound mean at all, and I don't always know how to describe that feeling, but you just know and can sense clearly when people are uncomfortable or comfortable with you and where you are at. They can't fake it. I have ALWAYS been a very approachable person, so to sometimes feel unapproachable just because of my loss feels so not normal to me. Anyways, it was really nice to be amongst old friends.

My high school reunion was Saturday night. My husband was such a trooper. He hung out with some friends spouses while I visited quite a bit. I know it wasn't the most fun for him, but honestly I never would have wanted to be there with out him. It was actually really fun. I had kind of mixed feelings about going before I went. You know these are people, many of which I hadn't spoken to in 10 years or more. Greg and I decided ahead of time that our answer to the "How many children to you have?" question would be... 4 living with us and explain to them that we lost our little baby boy last fall. I kind of wondered how people would respond, but amazingly, they were so gracious, sympathetic, and were truly sorry for our loss. It was a really nice surprise.

One thing I have decided was that if I have been given this situation in life, (trust me I never would have asked for it), I don't want it wasted... I want God to use it in some way... So I kind of felt like I was going to lay it out there and maybe let God use it. And I was able to express to people my trust that God does have a plan for our family. Then there were lots of close friends that I got to reconnect with, which was so nice. To get warm hugs from people who know what we have gone through and care was so nice. I really did have some great friends. All in all, it was a great night.

Yesterday we were able to go to our old church. We were able to see some people that we didn't see Friday night, so that was really nice. We are going to have to stop at the church office though, because we didn't really get a chance to talk with the pastor, he also lost a child this year. And Heather, where were you?... we WILL stop in this time:) Greg is marrying one of his former youth kids up here in September so he needs to meet with the pastor to iron out the details. They came over yesterday for some marriage counseling... They are such a precious couple. Jojo was running around and we were all laughing because they were our first baby sitters for the kids after we had Jojo. Lots has changed in the last 4 years.

Well, I am off to start my day. The big boys get back tonight. Praise God for his protection of them so far. I can't wait to see them. My mommy heart is never at ease unless are my kids are here an accounted for... I think that is why there is always a hole in my heart. How can you be completely at ease when someone is missing. My kids aren't all here. Sure Samuel, and baby Joel are in a safer, much better place than here, but it still doesn't feel quite right.

FUN WITH THE STOCKTON CREW

ALL HAPPY... EXCEPT FOR SWEET LITTLE ANNA:(

FUTURE MR. AND MRS. HINTZ... UH OH, LILY YOU MAY HAVE COMPETITION:)

We were so blessed the week before Greg's ordination to spend 3 different visits with our dear Texas friends the Stocktons. When Greg and I were first married and living in Texas, the Stocktons were our very dearest friends. We spent most weekends together, went on a cruise for our 5th anniversary and had some serious competition on the tennis court:)

Now, 9 kids later we still REALLY treasure our time together. We adults always laugh hysterically together and are so like minded in many BIG areas of life, so it makes our time together a real joy for us, not to mention that the kids have a blast and get along so well.

Mary stayed with us on her way up to St. Louis. She was here when we found out about our friends, the Hays, baby. Her parents are actually members of the Hays' church. We stayed with her and her parents when we went up for the funeral. Then she, Chris and the kids were able to come down for the ordination and stay with the Tiews . (Remember the Tiews are the family from the seminary that happened to be placed here in OK also. Lula was with us the day we had Samuel and such a godsend. They and the Stocktons were a part of our original small group bible study in Texas ) In a way it felt just like old times getting to see each other so often. What a treat.

Mary, thanks for the great laughs, wonderful talks, for listening and loving me through the journey we are on. It means SO much to me.

GRANDPA AND JOJO... 2 PEAS IN A POD

JOJO AND GRANDPA DURING OUR BINGO GAME...


IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG... AND THIS WAS JOJO AND GRANDPA:)


THIS IS TOTALLY MY DAD... HE IS SUCH A HOOT... THERE WAS NEVER A DULL MOMENT AS HIS CHILD GROWING UP.

SOME OF MY FUNNIEST MEMORIES OF HIM WERE ON OUR FAMILY TRIP TO ALASKA WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE. YES, WE DROVE FROM WISCONSIN TO ALASKA. YES, WE PICKED UP A HITCHHIKER WHO STAYED WITH THE 6 OF US FOR A FEW DAYS... AND YES, AFTER CAMPING FOR ABOUT 17 DAYS IN THE RAIN, MY DAD DID DRIVE TO THE GMC DEALERSHIP TO SEE IF HE COULD GET ENOUGH MONEY FOR OUR VAN TO FLY US ALL HOME. YES, THANKFULLY THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT AND WE ENJOYED SOME OF THE BEST OF THAT TRIP AFTER THAT... GORGEOUS ALASKA. GOOD MEMORIES, GREAT DAD.

HE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD FOR A MAN GETTING OVER LYMES DISEASE HUH?

WE LEAVE TODAY FOR A LITTLE VACATION. SPENDING SOME FAMILY TIME, GOING TO MY 20TH HIGH SCHOOL REUNION (MAN AM I GETTING OLD:), SEEING OLD FRIENDS, ENJOYING COOLER WEATHER, AND REFRESHING LAKE WATER, EATING CUSTARD, AND MAYBE EVEN HITTING A GOOD OLD FISH FRY.

YEAH, I WILL PROBABLY COME BACK 5 LBS HEAVIER...
BUT REFRESHED AND READY TO START A NEW SCHOOL YEAR
WITH THE KIDDOS.

GREG'S ORDINATION...AND MY PORTION

That's a whole lot of pastors:)

Greg and his very proud parents



Greg and his sister Lisa and daughter Maddie.

All of us with the birth mother's family... she is on the left of Greg.

Well, the day is finally here and over. I know for those of you who have never been to an ordination... it looks like a big deal. I am not sure I had ever been to one and given that I grew up in a Lutheran church that wasn't super traditional, this too was new for me. And when one of our friends kids asked me about Mr. Greg's bat man cape... I had to snicker a little. I couldn't tell you the name of it myself:)

But it does feel good to have it done. It was a lot of hard work on Greg's part and a lot of sacrifice on a lot of other people's part. We have had so many people that have supported us financially and with prayers and encouragement while we were at the seminary. We are so thankful for them. And we are thankful to be at this point. Now we will see how the Lord uses Greg in his ministry... he has such a creative, compassionate heart and has so many ideas of things that he wants to do at our church... I pray the Lord gives him stamina and perseverance for the road ahead.

We were so blessed to have our parents here, and Greg's sister. We had some dear friends, the Northends, from the seminary here too. Our pastor from our home church prior to going to seminary flew down for it as well. And our sweet friends the Tiews and Stocktons were here as well. It is so nice to be surrounded by family and friends that we call family. I love the distraction of company and hustle and bustle of it all. It is so nice to have a bit of a break from the daily grind of the reality of living without my son. I don't know how to explain it, I still thought about Samuel and even Joel everyday... many times a day. ( I will post about the differences of the two for me sometime) It is ALWAYS on my mind to a certain degree. I am sure if you haven't had a loss, that might not make sense to you. But I guess the intensity is lessened a little when we have company around. It was nice.

So the big boys are with my parents traveling to Colorado. Please pray for their safety if you think of it. I used to be very laid back, not a real worrier at all... but that has changed a quite a bit. When you lose a child, then lose a child that you were hoping to add to your family through adoption... and lose them in such similar circumstances... When you see the heartache of your friends when they lose 2 children in a matter of 18 months....YOU KNOW there is no guarantee that you won't lose another or all of them for that matter. So there you have it, the fear that is present in my heart and mind many days. I know the Lord is in control... but that also means I don't know what His plan is... and it also means that you live with the reality of... if God allowed you to lose a child before... he may allow it again. I am not trying to be a pessimist... just a realist. We all hope and pray that our children will grow old... but really we have no idea the number of their days.... With Samuel it was 9 months and one day this side of heaven, with Joel roughly 196 days. I guess the truth of the matter is I trust that God is sovereign... but it doesn't always mean I like the ways things play out. I will trust that His ways are best... even when it doesn't feel like it or makes NO sense to me.

I just read this today in my Beth Moore bible study:

The favor God has on His children causes that "lot" to tumble out on the table in such a way that, instead of destruction, the child will discover that her portion turned into destiny one trusting step at a time. When all is said and done, she will see that the portion God assigned her was good. Right. Rich. Full of purpose.

Here you are beloved, Satan tried to destroy you along your life's path, but clearly, he didn't get his way. You're still standing, aren't you? Instead of falling apart, your lines are starting to fall together. Piece by piece.

Once you wrap you mind around the favor God has had on you and the richness of the portion He assigned to you even through disaster, you can't help but share your portion with others.

I totally can not say yet that what has happened in the last year in our family is good, or even right. I trust that because allowed it, that it is best. But my heart feels so much the contrary, this isn't as it should be. I pray that with time I will fully feel in my heart that this was good and right. But I have said it before that I feel that when I emerge from the fire of the deep grief I still feel that I will feel a richness for what the Lord has taught me and what he will have done in me. I do want to see this whole experience as full of purpose... but I just don't really see what that is yet.

To my fellow mommies out there who have lost children... I want to encourage you today. I love you all more than you know. I love the support I have received from you and the encouragement that you give to me. I love that I don't feel as alone in this journey because of the bond that we share. I love that there are people out there who GET me, and really GET all the aspects of what I have gone through. Ladies, let's continue to trust one step at a time that this lot we have been cast will reveal part of our destiny as women of God. I can't wait to down the road see the amazing ways he will use our struggles, grief and tragedies to further the work of His kingdom here on earth. Let's continue to spur one another on and give God the glory for each victory and proclaim His glory through each defeat we may have.