FLORIDA BOUND!

This mom of hopefully 6 is just about to head to the sunny land of Florida...Yeah! Wow, though the amount of work to get us out the door is amazing and a bit exhausting... I am not at all complaining... I love it, but honestly I will be happy to hit the open highway.

I was a fickle pickle yesterday and wavered back and forth in my decision to go, but thought what am I thinking?? I can't pass up a nearly free vacation (well not exactly free, but much better than if I had to pay for housing) with Grandma and Grandpa... and the timing is perfect.

I am thrilled that it seems that we will be able to spend the night with my blog friend:) Tonya and family... Yeah, and I am hoping that my other blog friend Ebe will be able to join us. It will be such a blessing to actually hug these gals face to face. They have been such an encouragement to me in my loss. How nice it will be to share our hearts face to face...

The kids and I just need to finish packing and out the door we will go:) I am so thankful to be able to have the flexibility to be able to do this and that I have a husband that will let us go for it:)

Sun shiny Florida, here we come:) Here is to praying that HOPE does well on the 19 hour drive:)

TREASURES IN THE DARKNESS

I just started a book tonight that was given to me by a wonderful woman at church. She lost her son, about 5 mos after Samuel died. He was much older, but I have felt a closeness to her, just because of what we share in our grief. She teaches our oldest sons Louis' confirmation class at church. Can I tell you that I have NEVER seen or heard him more excited about the old testament. Every week, he always comes home with new stories or a fresh perspective on old stories. I absolutely love that He is getting excited, so excited about God's word... that touches this mama's heart.

So back to the book... It is called Treasures in the darkness and was written by a pastor's wife named Sharon Betters. She wrote if after the loss of their 16 year old son. Just that struck me, she is a pastor's wife... I wondered how it was for her. I will write a bit from the introduction...

When death grabbed my youngest child, Mark, and tried to destroy our family, I wondered how my heart kept beating.... because of my rich spiritual heritage and role as a pastor's wife and Bible study teacher, it is possible that people who knew me well imagined that my response to deep sorrow would be great faith. Instead, my long journey into the abyss of grief frightened our closest friends and extended family.... early in my journey, I often envied those who experienced similar loss but seemed to be in a cocoon of peace and strength. Though their grief was as deep as mine, they never seemed to question God's presence or love... Why didn't God grant me peace and strength? Why did I have to struggle to trust him once more?

Wooh, hello, I can relate to this woman... in so many ways. I read a couple of chapters tonight... I have a whole stack of "grief books" that have been given to me. Sometimes I am just too worn out to go there. I know that reading them all throws me right back into the days of late October 2008 and all of those deep feelings. ( Wow, that just struck me, it is 2010, my heart hurts that we are moving further from our days with Samuel... ugh!) I still have many of those same deep feelings as I did then, but I think the difference then is that you have all of the physical aspects alongside of the emotional. And at that point in time, it is ALL CONSUMING. At the same time, sometimes now I feel more ready to read some of those books even though it has been almost 15 mos. since Samuel died. What a long journey, a life long journey. I am really looking forward to reading all of the treasures that she gained in the darkness of her loss.


I had the crazy idea to maybe head to Florida this week with the kids. It will be a haul, but I think we are up for it, and could really use the distraction. I think I will have to decide one way or the other tomorrow. My parents are renting a house. We had planned on going down in Feb... but now Feb. is looking kind of iffy with things and dates we will need to be places with HOPE.

We had friends who watched the older 4 kids last night... wow, the house was quiet. I missed them all, but Greg and I were able to watch a movie together after the baby was down. And this morning I got lots done around here, which felt really good. Thanks Dinkleman's for making that possible:)

Heading to early church in the morning so we can make it home to watch our good friend Brett Favre... we will see how this one goes down...

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE:)

Last night, after the kids were in bed, this wonderful man and I watched a senseless movie snuggled up on the couch together. Really, the movie was a waste of time, the being together wasn't:) I am so thankful that we have survived the last year +, are closer than ever, and that he still walks along side of me every day.
These 4 pumpkins, of course there is one sweet little girl pumpkin missing, make me smile a HUGE smile. As much as there can be moments of frustration while parenting, these guys, plus little HOPE, are the joy of my life... My kids can be so amazingly helpful, hopeful, and sensitive... I am so thankful for who God is molding each of them into.

Now this will seem extremely trivial... but hot tea brings a total smile to my face. I love pretty much any kind of tea. I am not a trendy "tea snob":) But truly, a warm glass of tea in a pretty mug makes me feel warm, cozy and good inside.

Another trivial thing, but I love eating off pretty dishes or utensils. My in-laws just gave us Greg's grandmother's silver. Sorry Mom and Dad Hintz, (I know you really won't care:) but we are using it as our daily silverware... I love it. It is beautiful. I am done saving things for "just the perfect" occasion. That "perfect occasion" may never come, and I want my family to know that they alone are a perfect occasion:)

Ahhhh, a warm bath in my tub.... the absolute most relaxing thing for me... besides a massage:) I know I don't have the most beautiful feet, but taking a bath makes me smile... the hotter the water the better. I have read on one of my friends blogs that she tries to take a bath every night... is that still true Tracy? I think that is awesome.... I may have to steal that wonderful idea and make it part of my routine:)

So yesterday we had kind of a BIG meeting regarding HOPE'S future. In a couple of weeks we will do our thing in court... That will happen on a couple of different days.

Ultimately we REALLY and TRULY want what is best for HOPE... Selfishly given the situation, we can't help but think that is with us. I have many feelings swirling around inside of me. There are moments of sheer frustration and sorrow when I think of handing her over and possibly never seeing her again... (We have been through that before... oh my!) Then I think I have moments of denial, where I just don't even let my mind go there. And moments of perfect peace, where I have a calm, knowing it is in the Lord's hands to move the mountains that need moving. That is the best place for it to be, I truly believe that. I also balance that with the reality that God doesn't always move the mountains we are hoping he will move... have experienced that a lot in the last 15 months. Really, I just can't wait for something to go as we would hope or like. I am getting tired and weary... I so badly want to be on the other side of this... so badly want to see my hearts desires come to fruition... so badly want God's will to be done.

So I think I will get myself a nice big glass of tea, stir in some honey with my pretty silver spoon, finish homeschooling with the kids, head to coupon shop and church and end my day with another glass of tea, my bible and candles lit while I soak in the tub.... ahhhh... that will relieve some of the stress! Blessings friends.

UGH!!

Yep, you saw that correctly... UGH!

After getting the news that we were in the clear to share our good news about little HOPE joining our family, the sticky situation that was present when we first got her, is quite present again, more so.

I am sorry for being cryptic in what I can share here, but I have always been amazed myself at how small blog world can be. The reason for that is to protect her, our children, and us. All I can really say is that there is legal action being pursued by others, we are along for the ride... we should have a definite answer after all of the hearings occur... by the end of February. It has been stated that this whole situation is uncharted territory even for the judge and adoption agency.

So with that being said, I am a little shocked that our family got the "uncharted territory"adoption case:) Seriously, I start to worry and wonder if those near and dear to us will be able to hang with us through ANOTHER crazy circumstance. (Truly we are just trying to be open to the Lord's leading, and His work in our life. Drama has never been a part of our life... this is all so new to us... but really the last 15 months have been one crazy thing after another. ) I am praying that our friends and you all will be able to hang in there...we need the support and prayers.

We have been praying for 14 months that the Lord would bless us with another child... For over a year we have been praying for the baby the Lord would bring our way. We already love this sweet precious girl. We feel honored and privileged to have had her in our home for the last 4 weeks (as of today:) Ultimately we want what God wants...if this is the daughter He has for us... AWESOME! But if it isn't will we be willing to let her go? Yes. Do I want to see my children get their hearts hurt again... ABSOLUTELY NOT, honestly that is the hardest part here. I look at all the situations we have been through, and I know with God's help Greg and I can get through this all, but my kids... I want to protect them. We had a very frank conversation with them last night... guard your heart kids, guard your hearts... we are saying the same thing to ourselves. I did really well the first 2 weeks, then when we were given the go ahead... I let go. Hope made it very easy... She is such a sweet little thing.

So our prayer is that the very best thing for HOPE would be done. We want her to be where God wants her. Of course, we have our own desires, but we need to let God be God. Please pray for our children's hearts. Please pray we can be at peace for the next weeks while we wait. Pray that we can love her fully, because that is what she deserves yet, not fully let our hearts go. Pray for God's will to be done in her life.

So sending out the Christmas cards... is now back on hold...

Maybe by March we will be able to fill people in on what is going on with our family... UGH!

Trying to wait patiently in our Savior's loving, strong, hope filled arms.
Fully trusting in HIM<><

Sorry for not being able to post more... We so appreciate your prayers!

THIS TIME LAST YEAR...

OK, this time last year this is what it looked like... beautiful blue sky... my kids out in T-shirts and shorts...

Not this year...This frozen tundra girl is feeling like we moved back to my Wisconsin roots...

It is "stinkin" (as my dear dad would say) freezin here!

By the way, I have something to share about the dog my sweet daughter Anna is hugging, who the kids lovingly named Nigel. Last year my neighbor came over in the covering of the darkness of night asking to only speak with me. (Greg was still gone at work) He wanted to tell me that if we wanted to keep the stray, Nigel, he would help us with a kennel for the garage. But if we didn't he would be taking Nigel away... and he wouldn't be coming back. It kind of freaked me out, but apparantly he was going to take him to a friends house. That is what he did. But the crazy thing is the former dog despising girl... kind of regrets it... don't tell my kids that... but Nigel was such a sweet dog. He is huge though isn't he?

One more thing, I took the most precious pictures of 2 sweet sisters napping together today. Anna was feeding Hope a bottle on the chair. When I walked back in the family room they had both fallen asleep actually holding hands all snuggled up together. It was pretty adorable... I can't wait to be able to post some pictures of the kiddos with their new sister.

Enough said, I am off to snuggle with my hubby under the mound of blankets on our bed to stay warm... Have I ever mentioned that one little blessing since losing Samuel is that there isn't a night that goes by, (unless Greg is out of town) that I don't fall asleep snuggled in my hubby's arms. I love it. I never used to be a big snuggler in bed... I kind of liked my space... but that has all changed... I love "our space" now!

Blessings everyone... Stay warm!

CHANGE OF PLANS

SNUGGLIN' WHILE WATCHING A SUNDAY NIGHT MOVIE... FUN TIMES...YEAH, THE GIRLS HAD A LITTLE FUN WITH JOJO'S HAIR:)

It looks like we will be staying in chilly OK for the week. Greg's mom is really sick with Bronchitis. ( We are praying for you mom... we will come visit soon and you WILL be able to get your hands on your new grand daughter:)

So we are hunkered down tonight with a fire burning in the fireplace and a movie on the TV... I love nights like this... so cozy.

I just have to say that it is so cold here... I think this week Thursday we are supposed to have a high of 17 and a low of -1. I know for my northern friends this is nothing, but down here it is is unseasonably cool. So much for global warming:)

The other random thing I want to share is that I haven't run in over 2 weeks. Yikes. I have been trying to get out to walk, but am totally lacking in the motivation department... very unlike me as far as exercising goes. I am hoping to put on those running shoes after the cold spell has passed... am I a slacker or what... the treadmill we have in the garage should be screaming my name... Oh well, Maybe a little break will be good for me.

Praying all my blog friends are staying warm and getting ready to jump back into the swing of things after Christmas vacation.

MAY THE GOD OF HOPE FILL YOU WITH ALL JOY AND PEACE AS YOU TRUST IN HIM, SO THAT YOU WILL OVERFLOW WITH HOPE, BY THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. ROMANS 15:13

WELCOME 2010

JOJO, ANNA, AND COUSIN GRACIE

THERE WERE A LOT OF LAUGHS AND FUN TIMES HAD BY THESE KIDDOS THIS PAST WEEK! WHAT A TREAT TO HAVE THEM ALL HERE!
MY BROTHER JOHN, SISTER-IN-LOVE:) KATY AND MY SWEET HUBBY

I can hardly believe that 2010 is here. Just the other week I wrote October 2008 on a check... where did that come from?... this past week I numerous times called my sister in law Katy, Jane (one of my other sister in laws names) and referred to our town as Tomball. (The city Greg and I first lived in when we were married. We moved from there 10+years ago.) I am constantly telling people to not be offended if I forget something important or say something really off the wall. I think my brain is still recovering... Does anyone else have some of these same issues... or is it just me? Am I ready for 2010? I am not really sure:)

Do you know how hard it is to take pictures and not be able to post them here with sweet little HOPE in them. She has a cold... runny, runny nose... poor little girl. Even still, she is sleeping like a champ, she is amazing with that. We are just praying that she feels better quickly. We have seen her fussy side for the first time, now that she isn't feeling well. And she is starting to fuss for me... this may sound strange, but I am really thankful to see that. I think she must be bonding and attaching to me. I think she realizes I am her caregiver and momma. Does that make sense? For the first couple of days, she wanted nothing to do with me. (That was a little tough for me, the baby lover, to swallow) She loved Greg and was really soothed by him, which was great, but usually I have ALWAYS been the one to be able to settle our children. This was different, but thankfully has changed. She still loves Greg, and even grunts for him, when she sees him in front at church:) (I think that is kind of cute... she is grunting for her Papa:) But she loves being with me too. That makes my mommy heart leap for joy... this adoption road is new for all of us... it is quite an adventure... one we are so happy to be journeying through.

We had a lovely time with my brother John, Katy, and their girls Ella and Grace. The kids were thrilled to be able to spend time with their cousins. We checked out the local hot spots, like Atwoods, Bass Pro, and the Coweta Boutique. The older boys went down to a homeless shelter with them to serve a meal. (I love that they had that experience. They had so much to say about it when they came home.) We also hit the aquarium yesterday. We had kind of a quiet New Years Eve, enjoying Katy's delicious New Year's Eve Bread... so yummy. Katy was such a gem and really helped me organize my kitchen... she inspired me to really get organized in general. This past year I have really let things slide... it hasn't been good, so hopefully that can change in this coming year. I was blessed to spend some time talking with my precious niece Ella about all of the changes for her with entering High School this year. I love knowing how I can pray for her. She is growing into such a sweet young lady with a deep love of her Savior and others. What a caring heart she has.

They even went out and picked up something for their new niece, HOPE. With her gift came a sweet homemade card sharing in the goodness of the Lord in bringing her to us. They also acknowledged our sweet Samuel. It was so nice to see that they realize that having Hope, though it fills us with great joy and thankfulness, doesn't just magically take away the loss and pain we still feel over not having Samuel with us. (That has been one of my BIGGEST fears with having another child in our family, is that people will just assume that will make it all better for us. I know it sets their mind at ease to see us with a living baby in our arms... but it will never take away what we experienced and continue to experience with losing Samuel) I am sure that may sound odd to some, but it is reality for us. We are thrilled and joyful that she is with us, yet we still miss Samuel terribly. John and Katy seem to understand that... that in and of itself was a gift to us. It was so nice just being able to visit and spend time with them. What a precious treat for us. We were so sad to see them go today.

Tomorrow will be a busy day... I can't decide if we will take down the trees or leave them up for another week. Then there is lots of laundry to fold, and clothes to pack and on Sunday we will head to visit Greg's family for a bit... We are looking forward to the vacation and for them to meet Hope.

Looking forward to what 2010 brings our way...