I just started a book tonight that was given to me by a wonderful woman at church. She lost her son, about 5 mos after Samuel died. He was much older, but I have felt a closeness to her, just because of what we share in our grief. She teaches our oldest sons Louis' confirmation class at church. Can I tell you that I have NEVER seen or heard him more excited about the old testament. Every week, he always comes home with new stories or a fresh perspective on old stories. I absolutely love that He is getting excited, so excited about God's word... that touches this mama's heart.
So back to the book... It is called Treasures in the darkness and was written by a pastor's wife named Sharon Betters. She wrote if after the loss of their 16 year old son. Just that struck me, she is a pastor's wife... I wondered how it was for her. I will write a bit from the introduction...
When death grabbed my youngest child, Mark, and tried to destroy our family, I wondered how my heart kept beating.... because of my rich spiritual heritage and role as a pastor's wife and Bible study teacher, it is possible that people who knew me well imagined that my response to deep sorrow would be great faith. Instead, my long journey into the abyss of grief frightened our closest friends and extended family.... early in my journey, I often envied those who experienced similar loss but seemed to be in a cocoon of peace and strength. Though their grief was as deep as mine, they never seemed to question God's presence or love... Why didn't God grant me peace and strength? Why did I have to struggle to trust him once more?
Wooh, hello, I can relate to this woman... in so many ways. I read a couple of chapters tonight... I have a whole stack of "grief books" that have been given to me. Sometimes I am just too worn out to go there. I know that reading them all throws me right back into the days of late October 2008 and all of those deep feelings. ( Wow, that just struck me, it is 2010, my heart hurts that we are moving further from our days with Samuel... ugh!) I still have many of those same deep feelings as I did then, but I think the difference then is that you have all of the physical aspects alongside of the emotional. And at that point in time, it is ALL CONSUMING. At the same time, sometimes now I feel more ready to read some of those books even though it has been almost 15 mos. since Samuel died. What a long journey, a life long journey. I am really looking forward to reading all of the treasures that she gained in the darkness of her loss.
I had the crazy idea to maybe head to Florida this week with the kids. It will be a haul, but I think we are up for it, and could really use the distraction. I think I will have to decide one way or the other tomorrow. My parents are renting a house. We had planned on going down in Feb... but now Feb. is looking kind of iffy with things and dates we will need to be places with HOPE.
We had friends who watched the older 4 kids last night... wow, the house was quiet. I missed them all, but Greg and I were able to watch a movie together after the baby was down. And this morning I got lots done around here, which felt really good. Thanks Dinkleman's for making that possible:)
Heading to early church in the morning so we can make it home to watch our good friend Brett Favre... we will see how this one goes down...