Saturday, January 16, 2010


I just started a book tonight that was given to me by a wonderful woman at church. She lost her son, about 5 mos after Samuel died. He was much older, but I have felt a closeness to her, just because of what we share in our grief. She teaches our oldest sons Louis' confirmation class at church. Can I tell you that I have NEVER seen or heard him more excited about the old testament. Every week, he always comes home with new stories or a fresh perspective on old stories. I absolutely love that He is getting excited, so excited about God's word... that touches this mama's heart.

So back to the book... It is called Treasures in the darkness and was written by a pastor's wife named Sharon Betters. She wrote if after the loss of their 16 year old son. Just that struck me, she is a pastor's wife... I wondered how it was for her. I will write a bit from the introduction...

When death grabbed my youngest child, Mark, and tried to destroy our family, I wondered how my heart kept beating.... because of my rich spiritual heritage and role as a pastor's wife and Bible study teacher, it is possible that people who knew me well imagined that my response to deep sorrow would be great faith. Instead, my long journey into the abyss of grief frightened our closest friends and extended family.... early in my journey, I often envied those who experienced similar loss but seemed to be in a cocoon of peace and strength. Though their grief was as deep as mine, they never seemed to question God's presence or love... Why didn't God grant me peace and strength? Why did I have to struggle to trust him once more?

Wooh, hello, I can relate to this woman... in so many ways. I read a couple of chapters tonight... I have a whole stack of "grief books" that have been given to me. Sometimes I am just too worn out to go there. I know that reading them all throws me right back into the days of late October 2008 and all of those deep feelings. ( Wow, that just struck me, it is 2010, my heart hurts that we are moving further from our days with Samuel... ugh!) I still have many of those same deep feelings as I did then, but I think the difference then is that you have all of the physical aspects alongside of the emotional. And at that point in time, it is ALL CONSUMING. At the same time, sometimes now I feel more ready to read some of those books even though it has been almost 15 mos. since Samuel died. What a long journey, a life long journey. I am really looking forward to reading all of the treasures that she gained in the darkness of her loss.

I had the crazy idea to maybe head to Florida this week with the kids. It will be a haul, but I think we are up for it, and could really use the distraction. I think I will have to decide one way or the other tomorrow. My parents are renting a house. We had planned on going down in Feb... but now Feb. is looking kind of iffy with things and dates we will need to be places with HOPE.

We had friends who watched the older 4 kids last night... wow, the house was quiet. I missed them all, but Greg and I were able to watch a movie together after the baby was down. And this morning I got lots done around here, which felt really good. Thanks Dinkleman's for making that possible:)

Heading to early church in the morning so we can make it home to watch our good friend Brett Favre... we will see how this one goes down...


lprecour said...

Hi Sara,

Go to Florida. Have the memory with the your kids (Hope) and your parents. Your house and school etc will be in OK when you get home.

Bret Farve. Really? I want the Cowboys to win just because I am a Green Bay Packer Fan not a Favre fan. Minnesota go home!!!!

Ellen said...

I came across your blog from a friend. I was reading through a few posts (really to try and figure out the HOPE thing, as in what it stood for, finally understanding that Hope is a baby girl you are trying to adopt). I ran across some text that really struck me recently and I posted it a few days ago on my blog, but will copy and paste it here for you to read. May these words bless you like they did me :) Blessings!

"Hope frees us from the need to be secure. Consequently, hope frees us from the driving need to protect our self-interests and releases us to take risks for God.

Hope allows us to live for God, regardless of how perilous it may be, and enjoy God's gift of peace while doing so."

Taken from The Messenger, volume 48, number 1, January 6, 2010. Article, "A Hope That Lives On" by Arden Thiessen, D.Min.

mom2many said...

In some ways, the more time between me and Jacob's death is better. In other ways, I don't want to move another day away from it. I am anxious for the day that I no longer have to search for answers for my feelings. The day we are reunited with our boys.

I may be in the Tulsa area for a mtg Feb 11...are you far from there? If you are able, maybe we could meet? Email me.

Elisabeth- Truly Blessed said...

Congratulations on your sweet angel, Hope! Know that I'm praying for your family, your continued healing and safe trip to FL. Go- I believe my kids learn so much more from "life" than sitting at our kitchen tables reading textbooks. Have a wonderful time!!
In Him,

Ebe said...

oooohhhh....FL or no??