Friday, July 12, 2013

Losing my baby... subfertility... and being a part of a prolific family... part 2

So last weekend... I did something I hadn't been able to do in a long time...

I ventured up north to my parents cabin, with the kids...

I think we have been up there a few times since Samuel died... But never with the whole family, meaning extended family...

You see, our family tradition has always been for everyone to go up to the lake house the week of the fourth of July and the week after Christmas... I think prior to Samuel dying we had only missed one or 2 Christmas's and maybe missed one 4th of July.   I wasn't sure if that would ever be possible for me again...

When I look back over the last 4 1/2 years since Samuel died... there are many prevailing thoughts...

First and foremost... I am ASTOUNDED by the miraculous work the Lord has accomplished in my heart and life... only He could do the healing He has and only He could bring beauty from the ashes...

Of course that is my heart now... but for a long time... there was just so much turmoil... so much pain that I knew I had to avoid certain situations... for the sake of myself, my health, and the emotional health of my family.  Certain circumstances or situations would put me on a downward spiral and I had a very hard time rebounding from that... feeling that way for a long while... If I could avoid that, for the sake of my immediate family, it was so worth it...

As much as I truly was happy for my siblings and friends when they would have another child... and another... or another child:)  I knew amidst my struggles to conceive that spending a week with them and those little babies was more than my heart could take.  I am sure that may sound selfish to others... and I guess I would ask that if you haven't walked in my shoes... please do not judge... It was just too hard to see what I was missing and so heartbroken over right there before my eyes... for an extended amount of time. 

So the precious gift for me this past week was to spend a few days with my newest niece and nephews... It was nice... I feel like I actually got to really know them for the first time... I have met them all... but with every other visit there was trepidation in my heart... a holding back... This time I felt way more free to love on them and truly enjoy them...

This time was different for me and so so sweet!  Was it hard?  At times, yes... My heart and mind couldn't help but go to the place of wondering what my Samuel would be like with the mix of 4 boy cousins, which would have been 5 had he lived...He would have most likely been the dark haired one amidst the blondies. I am sure he could have been the ring leader... or maybe the obedient play quietly by myself type... We will never know... These kinds of thoughts just make me long for heaven... I pray He comes back soon...

But for now, I am so thankful that the Lord has brought me to a place where some of those parts of me, that were oh so natural before are being revived again... Honestly, it might sound like nothing to some of you... but to me it once again shows me the mountain miracle moving God we believe in... He can bring what was dead in our hearts back to life.  It amazes me!  He is so faithful and so good... through the beautiful precious moments when your heart has renewed joy and new life and through the heartbreaking times when maybe life is taken from you too...  always good... 

2 comments:

Ebe said...

Love you Sara! I definitely understand. Thankful for how the Lord has worked in both of us.

lisa croker said...

I cannot imagine how it is for you. Thank you for sharing the sneak peaks that you do - though I cannot feel what you're feeling, I can be moved and heartbroken for you as I read and I am so so sorry for your loss. and for the pains in conception!

We are 7years married - trying since the start - infertile. Always planned to adopt anyway so it will happen...soon I hope! but we still have a belief in a miracle baby that we won't quit on ;)

I was like you - always the one in with the kids... cousins, friends of family and now nephews and friends children. They always gravitate to me and I am old reliable for caring, nursing, babysitting and so on... I LOVE it!

But, there also came a time for me when I shut down from it and held back.

The Lord has healed the pain not by giving me a baby, but just by touching that very hurt with His Love and Purpose and His Comfort... sometimes I wonder, sometimes I hurt(a lot) and always I long... but I am restored in the sense of being able to have no barrier between myself and the children I love in my life and the desire to love babies in the future as my own I will not birth!

Your post just reminded me of how thankful I am for Gods awesome miraculous work... He literally revived me I was as good as dead! amazing!

Thank you for your honesty x