Wednesday, July 10, 2013

losing a baby... being subfertile... in a prolific family...

I know crazy title for a blog post...  but it is truly one of the most challenging things for me in the last 5 years...

I bet if you would have asked anyone of my siblings or parents, " Who is the biggest baby lover/kid lover out of the family (or maybe even out of anyone they knew) ????" Hands down, the answer would have been a resounding...SARA!!

I remember as a teenager choosing to stay home and babysit the foster baby when I could have gone out on a Friday night.

That love only grew stronger after I got married and had babies myself.... Becoming a natural childbirth teacher and a birth doula is what I spent my free time doing... It was a passion of mine...

So isn't it quite ironic (more like a part of God's plan) that me, being the baby lover of the group, would be the ONLY one out of the the 5 siblings that would have a hard time conceiving... Of the 18 other grand kids (besides our 8) I think most were conceived in the first couple of months of trying and quite a few with out any trying at all... hmmm...

Enter me... sub fertile... (as the fertility specialist officially labeled me after Samuel died... ugh...)  Obviously, not infertile since we have conceived 6 babies... All but our little Caleb took A LOT of effort... (i think it is funny that it is Caleb, who just surprisingly happened... because if you know Caleb, you know that he one determined young man who must have been determined to get here!! )

So after MANY MANY months of trying... like years of trying for some of the kids... some of them coming with the help of basic fertility medications, it is interesting to hear all the things people say to you when they know that you are having trouble conceiving... just relax and it will happen... Ummmm yeah

Kind of like the things people say when your baby dies... You will have more children...  Really?  Because I think it took me adopting 7 embryos to conceive again??? 

 I know most people have the best of intentions and don't mean to hurt you by the things they say... (and I am not bitter and have forgiven anyone who maybe unbeknownst to themselves hurt me)... Let me just say... validation is best... don't try to make it better... just listen... having trouble having a baby is hard... For me it didn't matter if I didn't have any kids or had 3 or 4 other kids... when I was desiring another gift from God and it wasn't happening, it was hard... An emotional roller coaster EVERY.SINGLE.MONTH... A constant surrender to the will of God and His plans, not my own...


I know that I have no idea of how it must feel to be infertile... I can only  imagine just a bit... because there were days I wondered if that was going to be my path... How thankful I am that the Lord saw fit to bless us with all the children we have... I don't claim to know what it must feel like to be barren... so so hard...

So what does that all look like after you try for 2+ years and finally conceive that little miracle, only to have to give that sweet baby boy back to the Lord long before you would have liked or planned on??

Well for me... many moments it didn't look pretty... more like down right ugly... some moments it looked lime a hopeful scene.  More to come on that tomorrow...

Right now... I  am going to cuddle my sweetie Isaiah before bed... he has a case of thrush and could use an extra cuddle...

Till tomorrow...




1 comment:

Tesha Papik said...

I can understand only a taste of the pain that goes so deep for so many. Like you I am a baby lover and have always been passionate at about a big family. As much as I love being pregnant my body has such a hard time with it...protesting in so many ways. It is so sad to think this could be my last baby but then again you never know what the Lord will do?!:) We are blessed mommies that have know great love, great blessing, great loss and great pain. All for God's glory! You are a beautiful testimony and example. Samuel's life is a blessing to many!