Typical conversation... or not so typical... but similar ones happen quite often...
Yesterday I met a new family for the first time...
a friend of a mutual friend...
They were a larger homeschooling family much like us...
introductions were made...
They truly seem like a wonderful family... I know they meant no ill will what so ever...
And so the conversation goes...
Her: "So you have 6 kids..."
Me: "Um... yeah, 6 kids... well,... (hesitation) yeah, 6..."
Her: "Sooooo, We got you beat by one huh?"
Me: "ummmm.... well... uhhhh... (much hesitation) yeah, I guess you do..."
(I am sure she thought it was odd that I couldn't really get out or maybe she thought I couldn't remember how many kids I had...)
Really??? How do you explain to someone you just met, that actually you don't have us beat... (I know there is no competition going on here at all... truly!!) In my heart I almost told her right off the bat... "no, not really 6... actually 6 here with us and one waiting for us in Heaven..." (I know we actually have 3 waiting for us, Samuel, Joel, and the baby we miscarried... It seems more people recognize a full term still birth as one of ours ... but sadly I think many don't really consider a miscarriage a real baby... or the baby that would have been ours through adoption... ouch again....) but I hesitated and decided not to get into it with her... I didn't want to embarrass her or make someone I had just met feel bad... but I was left feeling really bad...
Then when she said she had us beat... well, of course in my heart I knew we had at least the same number of children... who knows maybe they had children waiting for them in heaven too??? It didn't really matter...
But here I was meeting a friend for the first time.... nothing like killing the mood with a response like, "actually we have some babies waiting in heaven for us..."
Now some might find it odd that I even write about it... but honestly, it has been on my heart ever since the conversation happened... It NEVER feels ok for me to not mention our Samuel... or the other babies... but there are those rare moments when for whatever reason, it feels like it would be weird to get into it...
But then in a situation like today, I walk away feeling like my heart just got pounced on... Like to most people, my sweet precious 9 lb. 2 oz. baby boy doesn't count... like his life doesn't matter.
I know that this person probably has absolutely no idea of what I might be feeling at all...and I don't hold it against her at all... Truly, hear my heart... I hold no ill will towards her at all...
And truly it serves to further impress upon my heart the power of words and how I need to be more sensitive and aware of my own words...especially when I may not have any idea what someone has gone through...
But this is just another example of the on going angst, strange situations, heart ache that happens when my heart has to live with this Samuel shaped hole in it...
Longing for that day when I can scoop him and my other 2 babies up and share eternity with them...
5 comments:
Your words are beautiful and your heart as I hear it radiating the love of God our Father! I can't imagine your hurt and I look at that picture and long for eternity with you. May you continue to blessed as you continue your walk with our Lord. Thank you so much for sharing!!
But for every time that happens there are 2 other opportunities where God uses our experience to help others. Every time someone says, "You have a boy and a girl, what a perfect family." I get choked up. My son, daughter, two sets of twins, my unborn children that I never got to meet or hold. That is the picture of my family. Not perfect, flawed broken, and missing.
Why does it have to be a contest? Sometimes I want to tell people, "You really don't want my life...really. I promise." We seem to take for granted that what we see on people's outside is not exactly what their insides are like. It's obvious this "new friend" isn't great at conversation. You probably did just fine by not bringing it up because you KNOW she would have been VERY uncomfortable! Sorry you had to go through this. I just keep thinking that one day, none of it will matter anymore. No more tears from us over our babies!
Yes I have felt that sting and it goes deep. I think we will be excellent forgivers by the time we get to heaven. Praying for you my friend!
Its been a little while since I was on here. Life has gotten so busy, but I was thinking of you recently. You and your Samuel.
Then, the worst thing happened. Well, first the best thing happened. I got pregnant. We were soooo happy. It wasnt until 10 weeks later that the worst happened. :-( We lost our baby. We found out the day after you posted this and ever since then I have been walking around in a haze. I hate everything. Im so sad and so angry too. I miss my baby. My baby was a real child. He or She really counted.
Your three lost babies count. I'm sorry somebody said that to you. We all need to be so careful with our words.
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