October...

Today we had a pot luck at church...
Afterwards I was talking with a gal...
She told me she would be praying for me this month...
(Honestly, I sat there staring for a moment... what was she referring to???  I know what this month is... but did she???)
SHE DID... SHE REMEMBERED... She said she knew it would be a hard month... It will be... It always is...
Fall used to be my favorite season... now I still love fall... hate the feelings it brings with it...

Talked with a profs wife from seminary 2 days ago...
She wanted me to possibly contact a gal that just experienced a stillbirth a week ago...
I am more than willing...

I was trying to explain to her how it being almost 4 years since I held my Sweet Sweet Samuel seems next to IMPOSSIBLE...
It truly feels more like 1 year...
I think that because the feelings and experiences surrounding his death and birth were soooooo very intense and traumatic too, that you just don't feel those types of feelings often at all... so because of the depth of pain and the intensity of those feelings... they still seem fresh in many ways... hence the reason to everyone else 4  years seems like four years... but to me I remember it like it was yesterday... but it really feels like it COULD NOT POSSIBLY  be more than a year ago...

More than any of that ... I am sitting with tears streaming down my face because she remembered and cared enough to mention it to me... She remembered his life... As a mom who thinking of her son daily, still cries tears for him often and longs deeply for the day when there will be  NO MORE goodbyes... Her remembering his precious life meant the world to me...

So as we enter October, here's to being 4 years closer to Heaven!!  Come Lord Jesus Come!

I just stumbled across this blog project... I think I will try to participate in some of it...

 http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/09/capture-your-grief-this-october-2012-for-pregnancy-infant-loss-awareness-month.html  (you may need to cut and paste it to get to the site:)

Could he be any more beautiful??  

Just because... a few words...

I couldn't help posting these pics of these precious ones from almost 2 years ago...

My how they have changed... pang in my heart....

I feel like I am in over drive...

every.single.night... something BIG that HAS to be done that can't wait till tomorrow...

Thankfully God is being so gracious and holding me tight while we ride these waves of busy times...

Passports applications have been sent in for Uganda...

 Only 110 days till we leave...

Sounds like a lot, but I know it will fly by...

Going to try to make our own Larabars...

(I love those things and less and less stores are carrying them around here...) 

We will see how they turn out...

While we were out to lunch today, we tried to get our bill... 

much to our surprise, someone had already paid it....

Unreal!!!  What a surprise...

No small feat, treating our family of 8:)  What a blessing!

Then we picked up an elderly lady who was trying to hitch a ride to town...

Greg laughed that I thought maybe she could be dangerous...:)

Levi had a stomach bug yesterday.... poor poor guy...

All better today... and no one seems to have gotten it.... yet...

Praise God for big improvements for Hope yesterday at school...

this has been an adjustment...

Louis is offering to take pics of people/families to try to earn some money towards his trip to Uganda...

I am really proud of him for wanting to contribute!

Tomorrow, off to 3 soccer games and a big sleep ever here in the evening...

 and a house showing...

Fall has arrived:)

Fall has arrived...

And even though it is supposed to be over 90 here tomorrow...

We are munching up the last of the watermelons around here...

 And Levi seems to be enjoying every last bite of his favorite food:)

We have been CUH... RAZY here the past week.. But God has been so faithful to allow us to get it all done and not loose our minds while doing it:)  It just really seems like every single day there is an urgent big thing that has to get done...  I can't wait till things slow down a bit... 

I am not an on the go kind of gal... I much more prefer to hang out at home and have a leisurely day... That just hasn't been possible lately... 

After literally spending a couple of years just trying to survive... 

I know am so thankful to feel alive again...

God has been so good to bring me to this place of healing...

Don't get me wrong bringing me that healing is a process... I still have a long way to go...

I don't think I will ever be fully healed till I meet my Savior face to face...

But I am so thankful to be in the place where I feel like we can thrive again... not just survive!!

It was a lonnnnnggggg time coming....

But in feeling like we can thrive again, I feel like maybe I have bit off more than I can chew... possibly too many commitments???  I need to really pray that the Lord leads me and makes His way clear as I move forward... Does anything in the schedule need to go Lord?  I love all I am doing so much... I am so thankful to have the energy now to do it:)  But I don't want my family to suffer or to receive what is left of me at the end of the day... We will see what the Lord reveals to my heart!  

So we had 3 soccer games yesterday and all the Hintz kids scored... We celebrated with Mint oreo sundaes at home... YUMMO!!

We had the youth kids over tonight... Wow, they were really well behaved, a total pleasure to have around:)  That brought a smile to my heart!

My dinner divas class is tomorrow to the prepping starts early tomorrow in the morning...

Life is full and so busy!  But it is good...

Heading to OKC with my honey to attend the annual fundraiser for our adoption agency...

Wow, 4 hours of uninterrupted drive time with my hubby... should be nice:) That doesn't happen often...

We are so excited to be able to hear Tim Tebow's mom talk on each child being a possibility... I have heard her testimony on how doctor's encouraged her to terminate her pregnancy with Tim... but I know it is going to be a blessing to hear her in person... :)

UGANDA IN OUR FUTURE...

I can not wait to see get to see these precious faces in the flesh before my own...

That is right... Louis, Caleb and myself are planning on heading to Uganda in January 2013...

We are thrilled to be able to be heading over there with some familiar faces... some family, friends and great friends Lou and Greg went with before...

I know January seems a long ways off, but in the same breath I know that the next 3 months will fly by and we will be jumping on a plane to fly over there.

In one moment, I am not sure how my heart will survive being away from my own (those of you that know me, know that this is not a common occurance for this mama to head across the ocean:)

Yet, I can tell you there is not a doubt in my mind that I am supposed to Go!  I have been at home many a mission trip while watching my hubby travel the world or states to go serve.  I have absolutely loved watching him get the chance to minister to many, but there is a part of me that totally wants to be able to come along side of him in that area of passion and be more unified in it... together!! I share the passion but I want to embrace if full force myself.  

Would you pray for us as the boys and I prepare to minister to the people there in Uganda.  We will probably be working at the same orphanages and street ministries that they worked with last February.  We are already praying that the Lord would break our hearts for the things that break his... I can not wait to scoop up those little ones and just love on them.  We are praying that he will prepare us fully in the next 3 months for all we will encounter there and that He will use us for whatever He choses while we are there:)  There are lots of things to do to prepare, passports to get, funds to uncover:), vaccinations, but most of all we are praying for our heart preparations...

If you think of it, also pray for my mom who is heading over to Uganda next week to work at an orphanage... We so appreciate you walking this journey with us... 
With Much love in our risen Savior Jesus...  Sara

 The older kids heading off to explore...

 Jojo and lily... these 2 really think they are going to marry each other:)  Both sets of parents approve!!:)

  Even Levi was getting in on the fun!

Some of the kids swimming in the river:)

Our sweet friends are finally back in town after 7 weeks in Germany visiting family... Real friends will come over for popcorn and apples for dinner and catching up.  

We took a walk down to the Arkansas river which is just about 1/2 of a mile away.... probably even less... 

The water is so low right now... which is actually really nice for letting the kids play in it.  There isn't a current at all and they can literally walk all the way across it!  

They had a ball... we made them hose or shower off when they got home:) 

I have something super exciting to announce in a couple of days... after I nail down just a few more details... 

Nope, no adoption news yet... it is something else... (that reminds me, I still need to post more of the details of this go around of the adoption journey, while we wait for the Lord to match us with the perfect child for our family!)  Will do that soon!  :)

ouch...that hurts...

Typical conversation... or not so typical... but similar ones happen quite often...

Yesterday I met a new family for the first time... 

a friend of a mutual friend...

They were a larger homeschooling family much like us...

introductions were made...

They truly seem like a wonderful family... I know they meant no ill will what so ever...

And so the conversation goes...

Her:  "So you have 6 kids..."

Me:  "Um... yeah, 6 kids... well,... (hesitation) yeah, 6..."

Her:  "Sooooo, We got you beat by one huh?"

Me:  "ummmm.... well... uhhhh... (much hesitation)  yeah, I guess you do..."

(I am sure she thought it was odd that I couldn't really get out  or maybe she thought I couldn't remember how many kids I had...)

Really???  How do you explain to someone you just met, that actually you don't have us beat... (I know there is no competition going on here at all... truly!!)  In my heart I almost told her right off the bat... "no, not really 6... actually 6 here with us and one waiting for us in Heaven..." (I know we actually have 3 waiting for us, Samuel, Joel, and the baby we miscarried... It seems more people recognize a full term still birth as one of ours ... but sadly I think many don't really consider a miscarriage a real baby... or the baby that would have been ours through adoption... ouch again....)  but I hesitated and decided not to get into it with her... I didn't want to embarrass her or make someone I had just met feel bad... but I was left feeling really bad...

Then when she said she had us beat... well, of course in my heart I knew we had at least the same number of children... who knows maybe they had children waiting for them in heaven too???  It didn't really matter...

But here I was meeting a friend for the first time.... nothing like killing the mood with a response like, "actually we have some babies waiting in heaven for us..." 

Now some might find it odd that I even write about it... but honestly, it has been on my heart ever since the conversation happened... It NEVER feels ok for me to not mention our Samuel... or the other babies... but there are those rare moments when for whatever reason, it feels like it would be weird to get into it... 

But then in a situation like today, I walk away feeling like my heart just got pounced on... Like to most people,  my sweet precious 9 lb. 2 oz. baby boy doesn't count... like his life doesn't matter.

I know that this person probably has absolutely no idea of what I might be feeling at all...and I don't hold it against her at all... Truly, hear my heart... I hold no ill will towards her at all...

And truly it serves to further impress upon my heart the power of words and how I need to be more sensitive and aware of my own words...especially when I may not have any idea what someone has gone through...

But this is just another example of the on going angst, strange situations, heart ache that happens when my heart has to live with this Samuel shaped hole in it...

Longing for that day when I can scoop him and my other 2 babies up and share eternity with them...

MEMORIAL BOX MONDAY...

HE KNEW WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR...

I can't really explain it...  Sometimes I don't know how to explain it, and at other times I know that it just isn't the right time to explain it... 

For the last year or so, there have been things that have been so heavy on my heart...

Things that have me in prayer and seeking the Lord's will and guidance in a deep and longing way.

Sometimes these things have left me feeling hurt and ultimately pretty lonely...

I would say that in the past few weeks those feelings have intensified...

There is confusion, lack of patience, sometimes  a loss of ambition and perseverance, and then at other times almost an ambivalent feeling...(And no, I am not depressed... just have a lot swirling around in my mind:)

I never in a million years would have thought that I would be married to a pastor.  It just wasn't on my radar and really not even on Greg's when we were first married... 

But now, after 19 years of marriage and 4 of those with him as a pastor, I can say we are experiencing life differently than ever before...The opportunities for ministry are wonderful.  They are such a gift...  There are different joys and blessings, but there are certainly different challenges as well...

But for me there is a loneliness I didn't really anticipate... I know that God has called our family here to this place at this point in time... This place of ministry...

I think part of it stems from our time at the seminary... 

There, you are with a whole community of people who are walking life with you... even though we were all different people, we were experiencing this unique experience together... Living on campus, you literally had a handful of friends right outside your door...

Then we moved back to the real world...  new home, new jobs, new life,  and a new baby on the way.  Then 3 months after the move, the new baby that was on the way due any day now dies and goes straight to heaven and you find yourself in a place you never thought you would be...  I had been so lonely before Samuel died... missing my seminary sisters so badly... then Samuel died and grieving took a front seat... 

There are certain things that I know the Lord has called Greg and I to...

and I think those are the things that I am SOOOOO PASSIONATE about, but end up resulting in me feeling a little bit "out there" lonely...

I was really struggling with some of these feelings last week... 

Then I got a facebook message from a gal that Greg and Louis went to Africa with last Feb.  

Mind you, I have never met this great gal, but have talked with her daughter (who also went to Uganda last Feb.) via Skype when Louis and her talk...I have been hearing for months how hilarious these girls are .... Louis and Greg were always telling us of funny experiences with them when they had been on the trip together.

This sweet lady was asking for our address...

Hmmm... she had me thinking... but of course all I could come up with were funny things that she and Greg and Louis had laughed about in Uganda... 

A few days later a package arrived... specifically addressed to me...

Inside was this...

The MOST beautiful prayer shawl... She wrote a very sweet note along with it... 

She mentioned that when she makes her prayer shawls she is always asking the Lord who it is for... She said it was clear that the Lord wanted her to give it to me... She reminded me clearly how much the Lord loves me... Loves each one of us...

To know that she was praying for me as she made it was such a gift to me...

It was like this sweet hug from Heaven... I so badly needed that reminder.  I was an automatic reminder to me that the Lord is the ONLY one who can truly fill those empty spaces in our hearts... He is the only one who has perfect timing right when we need it!  He is the only one who won't disappoint us... He is the only who has the power to heal the wounds we have or who can carry the burdens that we are lugging around.  We are His workmanship... He created us beautifully for His purposes that are probably far bigger than what we can imagine... 

So Thank you Alicia, for listening to the Lord's leading.  You blessed me beyond what you could know... He knew that was exactly what I needed to receive and your words were exactly what I needed to hear... Such encouragement from our savior straight through the beautiful hands of His child right to mine!:)

 So another homeschooling year is under way at the Hintz house...

 This is what 9 previous years of homeschooling will do to you....:)

 Levi is perfectly content when he is with mom, dad, or his siblings... but put him with someone else and look out!!!   He doesn't give us easily... so probably the biggest thing Levi will be working on is spending some time in the nursery this year!:) 

 Hope had a great first day this past week... I am sure she will wear those teachers out, but love them to pieces too:)

 One of the most easy going kids I know is entering Second grade... I am so proud of this little man!

Hello????  Where did my little girl go???  

Anna had a great start to the week and already says that literature and her writing class are her favorite!

 Caleb was pretty persistent that I tell everyone that he is really in 9th grade... I just can't do it, even though he is taking all 9th grade level classes!!!  Somehow, we are going to have to get an extra year of work in for him... I will not be ready for him to leave home in 4 years!  He is the most driven, self motivated guy I know...

Today when I saw Louis out on the soccer field, I was shaking my head.... Hello man child!!!  He is so grown up!  So it looks like driver's ed will be in our near future... I need to start looking into it...

So we survived our first week back to the books.  Actually it went surprisingly smoothly... 

Only by the grace of God... 

We have been swamped with soccer games starting...

2 new weekly studies for both Greg and I that we are teaching up at church...

all at the same time as getting back to school...

But like I said God was gracious.  For some reason, it wasn't overwhelming at all! 

We are looking forward to a great year with much loving and learning around here!:)

Big Changes for Hope:)

This past week brought big changes for our Hopie girl...

After a lot of prayer, thinking, and talking we decided it was best for Hope to spend a couple of days a week heading with papa to work to go to preschool.

She is going to the preschool at our church and did great on her first day!

She loved it! 

She had a few tears but her teacher said that as soon as she realized those tears weren't getting her anywhere, she stopped.

We are so thrilled that it worked out for her to go 2 days a week!  She is soooooo busy and I think all in all it will be the perfect thing for her... She has grown up soooooo much in the last 6 months. 

This is a bit of a stretch for me to have her go, but honestly I think it will be great for everyone.  She was all geared up about taking her own back pack and getting to eat her own lunch at school.   Her favorite part of her first day was getting to play outside on the playground.  

We are thrilled at how the Lord is growing and changing our little Hopie girl!

FAMILY CAMP 2012

The Lutheran Camp we go to for family camp is just over an hour away.  We were blessed again to stay in their air conditioned retreat cabins, and  have them cook and clean up for us all weekend.  I actually felt guilty just stripping the beds and heading out the door at the end of the weekend.  It was such a treat for this mama to not have to do any of the homemaking things I usually do.  I love doing it at home, but it was such a gift to have a few days off...

 Anna during our Sunday morning worship. 

 Greg was blessed with the opportunity to preach.  Our church had around 1/2 of the attendees for the weekend at camp.  It made it really fun for us and all the kids:)  All weekend the volunteers plan loads of activities... bible studies, worship, talent shows, games around camp, campfires, a movie for the kids, team building activities... all sorts of things:) 

 Louis and Jojo practicing their archery skills:)

 This was one of the highlights for Lou and I.  While the 2 of us were canoeing, we got within about 25 yards of these 2 fawns with their mama.  They were drinking from the river.  The mama spotted us and sprinted off... the babies weren't too far behind:)  BEAUTIFUL NATURE!

 A bunch of the kids from church:)

 Some more of the beautiful creation we saw while canoeing... not to mention HUGE fish swimming along side of us... Shocking!!!! this fish's head was about a foot wide... It was crazy big!

Family Camp Gourd, as we like to call him now:)  

We are so thankful for a fun and wonderful time with friends last weekend... and for the Lord's protection through it all!