My heart is so sad and my mind is just whirling around with so many different thoughts right now.
Today we went for a level 2 ultrasound with our birth mom that has been living with us. Greg even took off to get a glimpse of the little girl we hoped to bring home in September. I am so sad to tell you all that the little baby girl no longer had a heartbeat. I could see it on the monitor even though the tech wouldn't tell us anything... I knew. It was all too familiar for me. She sent us over to the Drs. office where he gave us all the news. The birth mom's mother and grandma were there too. I think they were all in shock. Mind you all of this took place right next to the hospital where I gave birth to Samuel last fall. The Dr. was so gracious, kind and compassionate. The birth mom was terrified to be around when we told the kids what had happened. She even apologized to Greg and I saying, "I'm sorry, now this has happened to you twice." The Dr. left and we all surrounded our birth mom and prayed for her and the whole situation. We have come to really love them over the last 9 weeks.
My heart is so sad, for our loss of this new daughter we had hoped to bring home, but my heart grieves for this birth mom. I know exactly what she will go through in the next few days, and the next months. Only her mom and grandma knew of the pregnancy, so I pray that she will be able to grieve this loss in a healthy way. Not even her siblings knew she was pregnant. I just keep thinking, can a 15 year old even process this all? I went through it at 37 and woooh, it can still be too much at times. This is such a HUGE life experience to have to deal with at 15. And my heart is so sad that she will NEVER experience a blissful, carefree pregnancy... at 15 her baby died inside of her. Please, please pray for this precious girl.
She and her grandma and mother are at the hospital. They will induce her tonight and hopefully the baby will come with in the next 2 days. They are going to call and keep me updated as things progress. Greg and I will head up to the hospital to see the baby after she is born. I am thankful that I can be home for her labor. I was struggling... but I think it would have been too much for me to be there and watch her experience it all. She will deliver at the same hospital Samuel was born at. My heart breaks knowing that on her hospital door there will be the little leaf with a teardrop on it, to forewarn all who enter the room of the loss of that baby. So so sad, so so fresh in my mind.
Honestly, I don't even know what to think of all of this. Really, I don't "get it" at all. I don't understand God's purpose in all of this. Babies don't die inside of their moms all of the time. How could this have happened to us twice now? Of course in my heart I know that obviously this is not the baby that God had planned for us to raise to be an adult, in our home. Yet I do feel like this was our baby. Even though I just mentioned on the blog a couple of weeks ago that she had chosen us, it has been almost 2 months that we have known. The birth mom chose us, she wanted us to have this baby. She wasn't growing attached to the baby, we were, more and more with each passing day. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I was slipping as far as that goes. Just one hour before the ultrasound I bought all sorts of baby girl things on sale at Gymboree. This baby deserves the love of a family, people who were anticipating her arrival with such joy. This baby deserves a name. This baby girl deserves a place in a family. All of it, she deserves that. We want to give her that. She was to be our daughter... handpicked for us. This baby was created by our Almighty God. He knew the number of her days.
It is easy to just say that God has a plan in all of this... I know all of the appropriate Christian answers. But really, I don't want to hear those right now. I sat on the couch just telling Greg how much it STINKS! (I had a much less classy word used there but I figured I would spare you the loss of my self control) But that is really how I feel about death and this whole situation... it stinks. I had just asked Greg on the way to the ultrasound, about the verse where is says, "Oh death where is is thy sting?" I asked him what the meaning of that verse is. I realize that knowing what Christ did on the cross for us, we can have eternal life, so as far as eternity goes, the sting is gone. There is more than just this life. But in the here and now, death hurts, death has a REAL sting. How crazy is it that Greg and I were talking about that on the way to the ultrasound.
Last night at my Beth Moore Esther study we were talking about the destiny God has for you. Esther was chosen "for such a time as this" It makes me wonder, why would God place this young girl in our home... He knew this was going to happen to the baby. Why did she pick us to parent this little baby girl, she could have picked anyone... God knows what we just experienced 8 months ago. Does the Lord need me here to minister to this girl and her family in such a time as this. By all means I am not AT ALL comparing myself to Esther. Please pray that the Lord will give me the strength to handle all that the next few days will hold. Please pray that Greg and I can be all that we need to be for this birth mom, her mom, and grandma. Please pray for the Lord's presence to be REAL for all of us. Please pray for us and our children... they are grieving again, and have some real questions.
As we are hit with tragedy again... we will continue to trust HIM for our future... once again it is not what we had hoped for. But we know that the Lord will sustain us as he always has.
Does my sweet Samuel in heaven, know this sweet precious little black baby girl that would have been his sister here on earth? Did he welcome her to her eternal home? That actually brings me comfort...
I will keep you posted...once again we are so thankful for your prayers and support.