I am lonely.... my wonderful hubby is away with the youth kids from church. They actually are up in St. Louis. He called last night from a Walmart, on my most dearest friend's phone. Here in all of St. Louis they bump into each other at the same Walmart... now this woman has 6 little kids, and doesn't even get to Walmart often with out them all. When he told me who was standing next to him, I yelled in the phone, "I am so jealous:)" It was such a treat to talk to her for a few minutes. I miss you Becky:)
Have I told you lately what an amazing man I am married to?
These are the beautiful flowers he brought home the other night... just because.
Just because... he is such a gem to hang in here with me over the last 8+ mos.
Really I do know how incredibly blessed I am to have him. I don't at all take it for granted, that I have him in my life. When you face CANCER early on in relationship, it kind of changes your perspective on things, and the people you share your life with. I will write a post all about that soon... when I post about our latest family Ebenezer.
Anyone who has ever spent any time getting to know me knows the following things about me... I love kids. I love pregnancy and childbirth(yeah, I know a lot of women dread that part of it... I am one of the strange ones who actually looks so forward to it, and enjoys the whole experience of it... I know it is kind of crazy... and yes, I did have 2 of my babies with out any medication... and yes, I would tell you it was a wonderful experience:) I love all things babies. Heck, I even made my part time job being a natural childbirth teacher and doula. Babies and children are and always have been my passion.
When our dear friends from the seminary came down for Samuel's memorial service. One of them had come all the way from Ohio. When I saw her, one of the first things she said when I thanked her for coming was, "Sara, that is one of the first things I learned about you the first time we met, was that you would have loved to have another child." I thought that was amazing that she would remember that about me.
What I have learned since being in a new town... is that very few people here ever got to know me well enough before Samuel died to know that major part of me. I think for most who maybe just have a couple of kids... they see our 4 and think... Wooh, that is a large family... they may think... Why would they want more? Everyone is different, and trust me I know the way I feel about things isn't always the norm:) But it is me, it is the way God created me.
I remember when I was in High School my parents started to care for foster babies. They were most times fresh out of the hospital. When my mom wasn't feeling well, I loved to get up in the middle of the night to feed them. I would much rather have stayed home and babysit those little ones instead of going out with friends on a Friday night. Really I think caring for those precious little babies was when my heart for adoption began to grow.
The reason I share all of this is to give you a closer look into my heart, who I am, who I believe God created me to be, who Greg and I are as a couple, what makes us tick, and why we have done some of the things we have done in the last year. I think many don't have a real clear picture of why we are pursuing adoption... and yes we will pursue it again.
We know many may think we are crazy for opening the door to adoption again. But we have seen the Lord sustain us... We know he placed that sweet 15 year old girl into our home for a reason. We know He will bring us through whatever He has for us in the future.
I think many people think that we are pursuing adoption because we are desperate to have another baby. That really couldn't be further from the truth. Sure we have
had desperate, despairing moments in the last 8 months, but not because we are desperate for a baby... we just long for and miss Samuel... and now what might have been with baby Joel. Would we love to have a baby in our home?... absolutely. But we are not desperate for a baby.
We have talked about adoption for years. We really seriously started talking about it the last 4 years. When we were at the Seminary, we did lots of research into international adoption. It is funny because when we pictured our family including adopted children, we never pictured them looking like us. We looked seriously into China, Ethiopia, and Liberia. Seeing as how neither one of us had a full time job while we were there, it didn't look like it would be possible. I did even look into what we could do to get someone to back us up on the financial side of things, we had $ from the sale of our house, but no real income coming in. I tell you all this, so that you understand, adoption has been on our hearts for years.
I remember talking our last year at the Seminary about adopting, and we pretty much agreed that we would try to start the process when we got to our placement at a church. Then we conceived our Samuel last February. We put the adoption thoughts on hold. I remember shortly after we moved here, Greg and I going out on a date. While we were eating we were talking about adopting. We decided to have the baby I was carrying and then revisit it. Adoption was something we would have pursued if Samuel had lived. Maybe not this soon... but we would have pursued it at some point.
This may sound odd to some, but we really feel God has laid adoption on our hearts. We have been blessed to walk the adoption road closely with our sweet friends the Boggs our last year at Seminary. We learned so much just from watching them go through their adoption of Asher, our sweet little godson. We have always felt like we have lots of love to give to a child who needs a home. We don't just see it as a way of growing our family, but more as giving a child who needs one a loving home.
So when Samuel died, we really felt God leading us to take the next step towards adoption. That was when we discovered CPO, Crisis Pregnancy Outreach. They really see adoption as a ministry. It is a ministry to the moms in a crisis pregnancy, the babies, and even the families. We felt that we needed to do our part to be obedient to what we felt the Lord was calling us to do. We figured we would open the door and see what God does. We are trusting that He will close or open any door He sees fit. We will follow until we feel Him leading us in a different way.
We don't at all claim to know what His plan for our family is, but we do know when the Lord leads you to do something... you should do it:) We also know the desires He has placed in our hearts.
I am reminded of the following scripture...
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
I am trusting that His ways and plans are much better than my ways or plans:)
Sorry for getting long winded... but I kind of felt like I had some things that might need a little explaining :)
Blessings on your Wednesday!