PLAYING BY THE ARKANSAS RIVER WITH THE STINETTES
HANGING OUT WITH THE HAYTERS They left Monday and we had our upstairs neighbors, the Hayters, from the seminary come down for a few days. They left Friday morning and that afternoon the Stinettes, other friends from the Seminary came and stayed 2 nights on their way through Oklahoma. I have to say, that the Lord must have knew I was going to need friends in my home. I had just felt completely in a funk for a good week+, more like in the pit, unable to drag myself out. Honestly, I am learning a lot about the process of grief and myself through all of this. Having people here was the perfect kick in the shorts, or change of scenery to help me. I think I have figured out that if I get to feeling that BAD again for that long of a time I may just need to pack the kids up and head up north for a week or two. That is part of the beauty of homeschooling:)
Anyways, I was so blessed by getting to talk with my girlfriends, have them pray for me, listen to me talk about Samuel, and again cry with me. I know I have said it before but living in a new city and losing a child has had its share of challenges. Honestly, it completely stinks. I have wondered...ok Lord, why now, why here, what is your purpose in this?My friends and family get me and get that. It was such a treasure to just be able to be me, and know that as real friends they aren't afraid or uncomfortable with me or my grief. They love me and are with me in the grief, no matter what that looks like. And in those times I am cared for, ministered to, and I think I heal a little bit more. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyways, I miss them all already... but thankfully more visitors are on the way. Tomorrow one of Jojo's godmothers is coming to town. Yeah! Ryane, is Greg's cousin, but I claim her as a dear friend:) Then after Ryane leaves my parents may come down for a few days.
My sister asked if it was a good thing to have all of the company. I immediately said yes. It has broken up the monotony of my sadness. It has been a blessing to have friends and family who lighten the load just by being here. Last week prior to the visits I went to church to talk with the retired Pastor, he too has lost a child. I was talking to him about the despair I had been feeling over the loss of Samuel and he was saying that when you are at that low, low point, at the bottom of the valley that God's love is deeper still underlying that valley, basically still supporting you in that valley. He actually drew it out and it was a good visual for me. When the pain feels so deep, his presence is deeper still. When I feel alone and abandoned, his presence is deeper still. I keep praying that in those moments as I am begging for His help, comfort and peace that he will make Himself known to me. That I will feel his presence.
I have heard people say in the past that when you don't feel that God is close it isn't God who has moved, it is you. I have REALLY wondered about that in the last couple of weeks. When it is dark in the morning my mind has a tendency to wander and be consumed with not so great thoughts. I have had Greg pray over me, I myself pray, begging God to take away the thoughts and fill me with His peace. I have demanded that Satan leave me alone, and have no way with my thoughts. Honestly, there have been times there has been no relief. It is then that I wonder Ok Lord, I am not asking for my circumstances to be different, I am not asking for my sons life back, nothing like that, just peace and relief from the despair. I am just wanting to feel Him present with me in the despair. I don't know maybe someone can shed some light on that for me. I know He is there regardless of how I feel, but why not allow me to feel that closeness. I will keep calling out. I know He hears my cries.
So this week He sent dear friends and family to my home to comfort me and support me. I am so thankful for that tonight. I needed it:) Thank you God!
1 comment:
Sara what an interesting time of the church year to think about visitors. Just yesterday we celebrated the visit of the Magi to Jesus. They followed a star to find the treasure of the world. These visitors announced to the world that God had come in the flesh for Jew and Gentile alike.
God has allowed you many visitors during this season of life (grief, pain, and sorrow) so that you might know His love. Each friend and family member that makes you smile, that wipes away a tear, is a reminder of God's love. God's children are often His hands and His feet.
I still cannot imagine your grief but Bianca and I pray for you each time we pray for our baby. We wish somehow our joy could be your joy. I remember how excited you were in the days and months leading up to the due date. And now I almost feel guilty at times because I still have that joy and have no way of sharing it with you.
I must admit that there is still sorrow in my heart too (not anywhere compared to yours). I had always pictured Sammuel and Little Wilke growing up together in Broken Arrow and going to college together (playing baseball together) just like Greg and I did. God had different plans.
At certain times I will be struck by the reality of what has taken place. I was recently watching Marley and Me at the theater and a few of the events in the movie took me back to October 30. I can relive that moment where Greg came into the office and told me he had to leave, as if it were really happening. As much as I want to forget those moments and those events, I also want to remember them forever. The grief I have felt at the loss of baby Sammuel is also a reminder for me of the joy of salvation. And so I pray that I will never forget the time Bianca and I had with you and Greg in the hospital. I am thankful for the pictures and DVD of Sammuel to serve as a reminder of that season of life.
This probably makes little sense because I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Maybe I want to assure you that Sammuell will not be forgotten by those who love you and Greg. Maybe I'm trying to say that Sammuel has touched my life and many others in a way few people ever will. Maybe I'm just trying to say hang in there and know how much you are loved.
We probaby don't say it enough, share it enough or write it enough but the truth is Bianca and I love your family very much. I still remember when you picked me up at the airport that cold Wisconsin night (are there any others) after I had been in Houston with Gregory. After you dropped me off at Val's I remember thinking to myself that Greg had finally found a keeper. And I was right.
If the church or I have failed you in any way please accept my apology. Any oversight or lack of care was never intentional. Bianca will tell you that I am not always the best comforter. I am thankful that God picks up where man fails and He provides His Spirit, the Comforter, to us.
It is my prayer that your heavenly Father will continue to surround you with just the right people at just the right time. Never apologize for your sorrow or grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
It's Friday, but Sundays a comin'.
blessings, peace, and joy,
PW
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