MY FIRST AND FIFTH

MY FIRST AND FIFTH

LOUIS AND SAMUEL

I am so not myself these days. My parents were here visiting for the last 4 days and I failed to take any pictures again. I am usually a photograph fanatic and just always have the camera handy. Bummer! We had a really nice visit. The morning after they got here they declared that they wanted it to be a vacation for all of us... the mom of the house included, so they'd be taking us out to eat. It was a treat since we don't eat out often. The kids especially loved the morning trips to the donut shop. I loved having family here with me ( it was such a blessing, Wisconsin is just too far away:(. I loved showing them all of the pictures we had taken of Samuel and our family. I loved just having the freedom to talk about him and not have anyone be uncomfortable with that. They enjoy hearing about their 18th grandchild. I miss them already. I think we may need to plan a road trip in the somewhat near future.

Greg and I went to the MEND support Group tonight. MEND is a national group that supports moms and dads who have lost children through miscarraige, stillbirth, or a child under 1 year. The meetings are held in a beautiful, cozy log home here outside of Tulsa. It was interesting because Greg asked why I thought people who had suffered a loss maybe 2-3 years ago were still coming to the group? (It is so interesting to me how differently men and women who have suffered the same loss of a child can grieve.) I am not saying anything bad about my wonderful husband, it is just different. Shoot, I wouldn't be standing today if it weren't for his support:) He has been amazing, 100% supportive of me during this time. But, I only had to think about it for about ahhhh... 1 second. For me there is a comfort in being with others who have also suffered the loss of a child, some of them more than one child. I know that they completely understand what I am going through. It is the one place where I can be like everyone there. I actually feel like a normal person with the other people there. As crazy as that may sound, when you go through something like losing a child, you are never the same person again. I am forever changed and that isn't all bad. But to fit back into life as you knew it or everyone else knows it just doesn't feel right. You don't fit in. When you can sense and feel others uncomfortableness around you, you know it is different. I am not faulting people, I understand the discomfort, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. So to go into a room of people and to know that they are completely at ease with your loss and grief is actually like a gift to me. I can be me, who I am right now, wherever that may be in the grief process.

This Thursday is Sanctity of Life Day. Tonight we were talking about how our other kids are dealing with their loss. Praise God that kids are resilient. I am so thankful that my children enjoyed having Samuel as a part of our life. He was a constant topic of conversation all through my pregnancy. He was always making himself known to them by his kicks. To look now at the pictures of them with their little brother, their love for him is so evident. They valued their time with him alive in the womb. They were so careful with him as they held him, even after he had passed away. They know every life is to be celebrated. They know every life that God creates is precious whether is is 9 days, just 9 months in the womb, or 90 years.