Thursday, January 15, 2009


My whole life changed forever.
My heart broke, yet swelled with love for my new son.
I said hello and goodbye to my baby all in one day.
I nuzzled his sweet skin next to my face.
I kissed the bridge of his perfectly formed nose.
I smelled in his scent trying to cement it into my memory knowing I wouldn't be able to ever smell it physically again.
I stroked that sweet little peach fuzz hair, that part in front of a babies ear on their face. (That is one of my favorite parts of my babies... so precious.)
I ran my fingers over his soft skin.
I kissed his sweet rosy red lips.
I Eskimo kissed his little Neumann nose.
I held his tiny hand in mine.
I gazed at his sweet little feet that would never take their first steps here on earth.
I admired how plump and full my son had grown inside of me.
I snuggled his whole body close to mine just wanting to feel him close to me while I had the chance.
I begged God, "Please Lord breathe life into my son."
I heard my husband say," Right now I wish I had the power to heal."
I saw my children's world change forever, they now had lost a brother.
I heard questions from my children that I will never have an answer for.
I saw my children's hearts shatter as they realized Samuel would never come home with us.
I inspected every inch of his perfectly formed body.
I thanked God for His power to create life.
I handed my son over to the nurse for the last time.
I saw her carefully wrap his body up and take him from the room.
I felt a piece of my heart go with him.
I rejoiced that my son was safe in Jesus arms.
I mourned that my son would never again, this side of Heaven, be in MY arms.
11 weeks ago today I wondered why would God allow this to happen to our family.
11 weeks ago today I said I still believe you are Christ, son of the Living God.
11 weeks ago I said I will still follow you God, good or bad, happy or sad, heartbroken or filled with joy, with or with out my son here with me.


Samantha said...

Hi Sara,
You have been an amazing testimony to me. Your strength, your words of praise to our Heavenly Father throughout this very difficult trial have been truly amazing and have blessed so many that read your blog pieces I am sure. Know that your family is surrounded in prayer daily by ours. He'll never let go of us Sara, never. Thank you for being so open and sharing your very intimate photos of your family and Samuel with all of your blog family. God's peace today friend. Samantha

Rachel said...

I find Mondays hard, you find Fridays difficult. We write about our babies hoping to remember everything more clearly since our memories are so few, yet so precious! I thank God you had this short time with Samuel to love him as only a mother can love!