Answered prayers!!

I love that absolutely crystal clear drool from a baby... so sweet!



 

Isaiah James Hintz 7 months old:)

 

This precious little man has brought us so much joy over the last 7 months and we are sooooo very privileged to be his parents and family!

Last week this little guy had his first visit with his new pediatrician here at our new home... I was a little hesitant knowing that our previous pediatrician was recommending some intervention for Isaiah.

At his 2 month appt.  he was seeming to be slightly behind on development.  It didn't at all surprise me given that he was between 4 and 8 weeks premature or given his rough start in the womb...

At his 4 month appt... she was even more concerned but was willing to let us get resettled at our new home and then look into the what kind of therapies he might need...

Well, low and behold... I took him last week and he seems to be almost right on track... PRAISE GOD!!!

He is all caught up growth wise... you should see the thighs on this little man:):)  And he is doing really well with other physical milestones like sitting up, grasping, rolling etc...

We will see what the future holds for him, but right now we are rejoicing in the great news on this sweet precious little man. 

He has had a case of thrush, but besides some crankiness with that...he is one of the most easy going babies we have had... He goes to almost anyone... is a cuddler... eats great... smiles so easily...

He is downright precious and such a gift from our gracious God...
I love that even though he is biracial... I have to remind myself that he didn't come from me... I love that the longer we have our last 3 kids, the more I am in awe of the gift of adoption in our lives and even more so the gift of our faithful God adopting us into His kingdom! What a precious gift... and looking into the faces of Hope, Levi, and Isaiah there are constant reminders of that blessing! 

Losing my baby... subfertility... and being a part of a prolific family... part 2

So last weekend... I did something I hadn't been able to do in a long time...

I ventured up north to my parents cabin, with the kids...

I think we have been up there a few times since Samuel died... But never with the whole family, meaning extended family...

You see, our family tradition has always been for everyone to go up to the lake house the week of the fourth of July and the week after Christmas... I think prior to Samuel dying we had only missed one or 2 Christmas's and maybe missed one 4th of July.   I wasn't sure if that would ever be possible for me again...

When I look back over the last 4 1/2 years since Samuel died... there are many prevailing thoughts...

First and foremost... I am ASTOUNDED by the miraculous work the Lord has accomplished in my heart and life... only He could do the healing He has and only He could bring beauty from the ashes...

Of course that is my heart now... but for a long time... there was just so much turmoil... so much pain that I knew I had to avoid certain situations... for the sake of myself, my health, and the emotional health of my family.  Certain circumstances or situations would put me on a downward spiral and I had a very hard time rebounding from that... feeling that way for a long while... If I could avoid that, for the sake of my immediate family, it was so worth it...

As much as I truly was happy for my siblings and friends when they would have another child... and another... or another child:)  I knew amidst my struggles to conceive that spending a week with them and those little babies was more than my heart could take.  I am sure that may sound selfish to others... and I guess I would ask that if you haven't walked in my shoes... please do not judge... It was just too hard to see what I was missing and so heartbroken over right there before my eyes... for an extended amount of time. 

So the precious gift for me this past week was to spend a few days with my newest niece and nephews... It was nice... I feel like I actually got to really know them for the first time... I have met them all... but with every other visit there was trepidation in my heart... a holding back... This time I felt way more free to love on them and truly enjoy them...

This time was different for me and so so sweet!  Was it hard?  At times, yes... My heart and mind couldn't help but go to the place of wondering what my Samuel would be like with the mix of 4 boy cousins, which would have been 5 had he lived...He would have most likely been the dark haired one amidst the blondies. I am sure he could have been the ring leader... or maybe the obedient play quietly by myself type... We will never know... These kinds of thoughts just make me long for heaven... I pray He comes back soon...

But for now, I am so thankful that the Lord has brought me to a place where some of those parts of me, that were oh so natural before are being revived again... Honestly, it might sound like nothing to some of you... but to me it once again shows me the mountain miracle moving God we believe in... He can bring what was dead in our hearts back to life.  It amazes me!  He is so faithful and so good... through the beautiful precious moments when your heart has renewed joy and new life and through the heartbreaking times when maybe life is taken from you too...  always good... 

losing a baby... being subfertile... in a prolific family...

I know crazy title for a blog post...  but it is truly one of the most challenging things for me in the last 5 years...

I bet if you would have asked anyone of my siblings or parents, " Who is the biggest baby lover/kid lover out of the family (or maybe even out of anyone they knew) ????" Hands down, the answer would have been a resounding...SARA!!

I remember as a teenager choosing to stay home and babysit the foster baby when I could have gone out on a Friday night.

That love only grew stronger after I got married and had babies myself.... Becoming a natural childbirth teacher and a birth doula is what I spent my free time doing... It was a passion of mine...

So isn't it quite ironic (more like a part of God's plan) that me, being the baby lover of the group, would be the ONLY one out of the the 5 siblings that would have a hard time conceiving... Of the 18 other grand kids (besides our 8) I think most were conceived in the first couple of months of trying and quite a few with out any trying at all... hmmm...

Enter me... sub fertile... (as the fertility specialist officially labeled me after Samuel died... ugh...)  Obviously, not infertile since we have conceived 6 babies... All but our little Caleb took A LOT of effort... (i think it is funny that it is Caleb, who just surprisingly happened... because if you know Caleb, you know that he one determined young man who must have been determined to get here!! )

So after MANY MANY months of trying... like years of trying for some of the kids... some of them coming with the help of basic fertility medications, it is interesting to hear all the things people say to you when they know that you are having trouble conceiving... just relax and it will happen... Ummmm yeah! 

Kind of like the things people say when your baby dies... You will have more children...  Really?  Because I think it took me adopting 7 embryos to conceive again??? 

 I know most people have the best of intentions and don't mean to hurt you by the things they say... (and I am not bitter and have forgiven anyone who maybe unbeknownst to themselves hurt me)... Let me just say... validation is best... don't try to make it better... just listen... having trouble having a baby is hard... For me it didn't matter if I didn't have any kids or had 3 or 4 other kids... when I was desiring another gift from God and it wasn't happening, it was hard... An emotional roller coaster EVERY.SINGLE.MONTH... A constant surrender to the will of God and His plans, not my own...


I know that I have no idea of how it must feel to be infertile... I can only  imagine just a bit... because there were days I wondered if that was going to be my path... How thankful I am that the Lord saw fit to bless us with all the children we have... I don't claim to know what it must feel like to be barren... so so hard...

So what does that all look like after you try for 2+ years and finally conceive that little miracle, only to have to give that sweet baby boy back to the Lord long before you would have liked or planned on??

Well for me... many moments it didn't look pretty... more like down right ugly... some moments it looked lime a hopeful scene.  More to come on that tomorrow...

Right now... I  am going to cuddle my sweetie Isaiah before bed... he has a case of thrush and could use an extra cuddle...

Till tomorrow...

home again

 The cousins at the cabin... only missing 7 more cousins who couldn't make it up this year:)

Gotta love the crazy photo bombers in this pic of levi, Luther, and Chambers...

Lou and caleb with callie and will!  

 We are finally back at home...

It feels so good to sleep in my own bed again:)   That was a lot of driving to ok and back.

 And then the trip up north to the lake house.  Eventually it sort of wears on me to drive without greg!  I think it is the solo parenting that truly wears me out:)

I am determined to get the majority of my unpacking done this week.  I am really wanting to have a little summer before we have to get back to school... summer is flying!!:)

I am so thankful for the Lords protection on us over all of those miles!

happy 16th lou!!

Louis and his friend Hannah who made them both mugs... they were adorable and such a thoughtful gift!

Louis' cake with our coop friends:)  It

  .                                              looks like the cake is on fire!

We had a great and busy day celebrating, seeing old friends, swimming... and planning last minute sleepovers with dear friends...

Louis... my first born...

Great christian young man...

Loves disaster relief... specifically tornado relief...

Loves working and caring for orphans...

Huge helper with his little siblings...

Funny guy.... loves to make people laugh...

My social kid...

My tenderhearted one...

One amazing gift from God!

I am so glad and proud to call him my son... I cant wait to see what the Lord has in store for his life!!

For me, Africa means...

Last wednesday it hit me for the first time...

For me... Africa means Samuel...

When it first  hit me in the hurriedness of the day... I cried...

I was kind of in shock... the thought came out of no where...

Here I was rushing around getting all the last minute things organized for my road trip with the 5 littles.

The kids were already loaded and buckled in the car...

We were already about an hour behind schedule...

I ran upstairs to put my hair up, grab a necklace and headband and head out the door...

Since Samuel died I almost never am without one of my Samuel necklaces...

Let me explain... I have 2 vintage pearl necklaces that include all of my kids names, including Samuel.  I also have a piece of photo jewelry that I had made shortly after Samuel died.  It has his sweet picture on one side and one of the 2 of us on the other side. I also have a necklace that someone had made for me with his name, birthday, the bible verses we had at his memorial services, all engraved on it. It is beautiful and meant the world to me when I received it as a gift my first mother's day as a mommy with one of my children in heaven.  Someone remembered him that day and it blessed me greatly!

I almost am never found without one of them on... I know it might sound silly... it is one small way he is remembered daily and wearing the necklaces with his picture or name bouncing on my chest makes him feel close to my heart...

So the other day as I hustled about I grabbed a headband , necklace, and bracelet that I had purchased from the women working so hard to get of prostitution in Uganda.

I started to head out my bedroom door and stopped dead in my tracks... I didn't have any of my Samuel necklaces... and the weird thing was I was ok with it. I immediately started to cry... I WAS OK WITH IT!

Then it struck me in the strangest way... to me Africa means Samuel.

What do I mean by that??

Without having that precious little 9lb baby boy in my life I would be so different... I wouldn't want to be who I was before his life and death..  I know his life and the experience of having to let go of one of my children here on this earth... knowing I would not see him again this side of heaven singlehandedly changed me more than any other earthly experience thus far.

I have stated before that I am a nervous flyer... the truth... I HATE flying... terrified... before Uganda I hadn't flown in over  12 years... BUT I KNOW God used Samuel and the fact  that I had actually survived losing him (trust me there were plenty of days I did not think I would survive it!!) To get my rear on a plane for over 24 hours of traveling... God is so good!

I KNOW my heart would not be as moved for the orphans if it hadn't been for Samuel!  He taught me Every single life is worth celebrating and fighting for!

I know the thought of embryo adoption probably would not have ever occurred to us without Samuel.  He taught us that every single life matters... 1 day in the womb... 9 mos in the womb... 9 years... 90 years... or even frozen for 5 years... precious life each and every one of them!

I could go on and on about all he has taught me...

But for now Africa means Samuel...
the face of orphans mean Samuel...
frozen embryos mean Samuel to me...
and I love it!

I love that God Used Samuel to change me...
I love that I see these things that to most would seem unrelated to Samuel... but to me... remind me of his precious deep deep mark on my heart and life... I love that... so so sweet of the lord to allow that...

To most Samuel has been dead and gone for almost five years... but to me it is almost like I am making new Samuel memories because the Lord continues to use his life and that experience, to bring all new things, passions, ways to serve into my life... all because of one beautiful sweet baby boy who never drew a single breath on this earth...

To me... Africa means Samuel...and that brings a big smile to this mama's face...

summer cuts

It was time for  this sweetie to get rid of some of his locks...

Jojo loves to have his hair buzzed for the summer...

Levi has these precious puppy dog eyes ... funny expressions... (and a deafening screech these days... we are working on that One:)

Enjoying the park on the new church property...

Random and exciting news...

I head back down south to spend some time with friends and pick up the boys... I have never done this long of a drive with just the 5 littles:)

No offers on the house till boom, 2 offers last Sunday...

We have an accepted offer as of last sunday night... PRAISE GOD!!!   We are so thankful!!! 

I filled my car up with gas for the first time today since moving here just shy of a month ago... I Love that about living in the church parsonage...

Upon our return we are contemplating a trip up north the following day... we have not done cabin time (a tradition for all my siblings the week after christmas and the fourth of july)  with my siblings and parents in probably at least 5 years... since before samuel died... 

We are hoping it works out... not to mention it gives Greg some down time to build bunk beds and get some of his things organized.  

Off to do last minute packing and hit the hay:)